


Just Us

by grac32



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-17 17:47:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 101,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29970033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grac32/pseuds/grac32
Summary: When Captain Levi chose to finally listen to Hange’s recommendation and visit Eva’s café, their lives instantly collided. After losing two of his best friends, the girl who admired and defended the Scouts might have restored Levi’s will to fight and live another day… and for another visit.
Relationships: Levi Ackerman/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 19
Kudos: 37





	1. His Eyes

_Sometime before The Fall of Wall Maria_

The hum of customers seemed louder that day. Normally four or five regulars were sitting in the corner, drinking coffee and sharing baguettes, but today, it seemed most of the tables were filled. Newspapers were being passed back and forth between people and if I cared much about the news, I might have taken myself away from kneading bread to glance at the pages. Just by hearing the customers, I filled myself in on the town gossip without having to be confronted by the old ladies trying to make me marry their sons. 

“I can’t get married right now, Miss. Schmidt. There’s too much to do with the shop that I have no time to give my attention to anyone else.” Those excuses and a smile seemed to hold them off for a few days. 

“Eva! Can we get a refill of coffee here?” I looked up to the three Garrison soldiers who were hiding away from their morning watch duties. At least they weren’t drinking whiskey. Nodding, I put the dough in the oven to prove and wiped my hands. Now, I would have to talk to some people. If it made them want to come to the café more, I guess I would sacrifice a little of my sanity. 

“Here you go,” I held up my hand as they tried to slide a few more coins my way, “You already have had three, this one is on the house.” The Captain looked up and smiled at me before putting them back in his pocket. The, too, had a newspaper laid out in the center of the table. 

“Have you heard about the Survey Corps recently, Eva?” I shook my head and he held up the paper. 

“Apparently they’ve gained some recruits worth our tax dollars! They didn’t lose half of their people on the last expedition. It’s front-page news for some reason.” One of the subordinates pointed at the portrait on the front page of what I assumed to be the new commander of the Scouts. Last week’s news was the retirement of Keith Shadis and the promotion of various Corps peoples. Perhaps with the promotion also came the recent success. 

“I think anyone who goes out to fight titans on our behalf is worth _my_ tax dollars. If I recall, soldiers only pay a fraction of our taxes. In fact, _I’m_ paying for _you_ to sit here in my café and drink away my coffee supply. It’s hard on me to travel to the capital markets every month.” I raised an eyebrow at them and it seems the pleasant conversation they wanted to have had ended, especially with the other customers listening in. They made it a point to stand up, leave the coins on the table, and walk out of the café. 

“Finally doing their job.” I picked up the untouched pitcher of coffee and wiped down the table. They didn’t even have the decency to put their cups in the dish bin. I rolled my eyes and cleaned up after them, going back to kneading more bread dough and warming up their coffee for the next customer. 

Maybe the success of the Scouts will make the Garrison and MPs care about the people inside the walls. You can only be self-serving for a little bit before it comes to bite you in the ass.

“Delivery!” Again, I’m distracted from my bread making. This is why I should have prepped last night. I wiped off my hands, noticing how dry they’d become, and turned to get what I assumed to be my portion of flour. 

“Hi Jonas, just put it on the table here.” 

“Eva, did you hear the news?” I poured him a cup of juice and handed it to him, nodding. 

“The Survey Corps?” He nodded hard and drank it all in one big gulp. 

“You should’ve seen it when the scouts came through the city a few days ago. I don’t think I’ve ever seen people cheer for them, but this time they did. Did you watch them come by?” I took his cup and put it in the sink before turning back to him. 

“No, I was stuck in here. I did see the tops of some of their heads though, but the crowd around the window was pretty thick.” I decided to lean against the front counter and take a break from baking to talk to Jonas, one of the only people my age who seemed to come around here and stay. If you were young in Trost, you were always working. They would come in and right out of the café, never staying to talk or look out the windows. I only know a few of their names, but all of their drink orders by heart. The only ones who seemed to talk a bit when they came in were, in fact, Scouts who got a few days off. No conversation ever really amounted to anything and I didn’t take time to memorize their orders as they would always stop coming a few weeks after they first arrived. 

“How is Reeve’s doing on orders? I heard that there might be a shortage of meat soon.” He shrugged at me and I signed his papers. 

“I don’t have a clue about that. I just go where they tell me to. I mean, I haven’t been delivering a lot of meat lately. You don’t need it though, do you?” 

“No, I just need flour, coffee, and sometimes tea. I go to the capital for the last two. If anything, I’d just stop being a bakery.” Jonas pouted and pointed to the croissants in the glass case. 

“I’d fight to get those if there was a shortage. You have the best bread in Trost!” I smiled and waved my hand. 

“No, I don’t, Jonas. I kn-” 

“Tea, please.” Jonas jumped and turned around to see the man behind him. His grey eyes bore holes into Jonas who was in his way. I’d seen him before, but it was his first time into the café. 

“C-Captain Levi!” Jonas even bowed to him, slightly shaking. I tilted my head, looking at the man, no taller than me. Why was this shorty making Jonas shake in his shoes? And Captain? He didn’t seem like the type to be in the Garrison. 

When I was done looking at his form, I looked back up to his eyes which seemed annoyed that he was having to wait for his tea. They were a pretty grey but were almost overshadowed by the dark circles under his eyes. I’d seen those type of eyes…tired from death, not from lack of sleep. He was definitely a Scout.

I stood up and wiped my hands again, slightly wincing at their dryness. 

“What type of tea, Cap’n?” He didn’t seem to be amused at my abbreviation of his title and I lost my customer-friendly smile. Guess I didn’t have to play pretend around his negative attitude. 

“Black.” I raised an eyebrow and looked at his form again. Tired, strained, busted, sad even… He needed something less… anxiety-inducing than straight black tea. He needed something soothing. 

“May I make a suggestion?” He looked up again having already put the money for plain black tea on the counter. I didn’t fail to notice how when he looked up, so did everyone else in the café. Was he radiating some form of intimidating energy to everyone in this place? He didn’t look scary, just tired and stressed. I guess the darkness of his features didn’t help his cause. 

“What?” Every answer was short and low. He did have an impressive voice for being short, but it also sounded like he had a scratchy throat. A mental note to add honey. 

“Mint?” He looked at me for a few seconds, probably deciding whether or not I could ruin his tea routine, “No extra cost. You just seem like you don’t need any more caffeine at the moment. Perhaps a few more hours of sleep.” The last sentence was mumbled, but I’m sure he had to hear it. Hopefully, he heard it and took me up on it. 

“Sure.” He waved his hand and walked over to the corner table where the Garrison was sitting, staring out the window. It seemed that he was far away enough for everyone to start gossiping about him. I stared at him for a few more seconds before taking out one of the few teacups I owned. No one wants to drink tea anymore… such old taste. 

“E-Eva? How did you talk to him like that?!” I glanced over at Jonas who was crouched over the counter and whispering to me. 

“What do you mean? Why is everyone so afraid of him? He’s no taller than me, Jonas.” 

“He’s Captain Levi! Humanity’s strongest soldier. It’s said that he’s killed over 100 titans by himself! And, and, and he just joined the Corps this past year. He used to be a…” He leaned in even more and put a hand in front of his mouth like that was going to help block out this secret, “ _a famous gangster in the underground_.” I looked back at him again and met his eyes. He quickly looked away, but I did notice he was still staring at me from his peripheral. It was the way he was sitting that made it possible to spy on me unsuspectingly. 

“He does look a bit mean, but I don’t see danger…I think he just intimidates you and you don’t like it because he’s shorter than you.” Jonas was exasperated at my comment and looked back and forth between the Captain and me. 

“But he’s from the underground! You know how dangerous those people are! Kenny the Ripper and The Sniper… he’s one of them!” I rolled my eyes again and watched the tea as it brewed. 

“You forget I was born in the underground too, Jonas.” It was a low whisper to keep gossip down to a minimum and he shook his head fast, tapping on the counter. 

“But you’re different, Eva. You didn’t live there for very long either and you were adopted by Mister Flynn. I know he’s murdered like _so_ many people.” I held the honey jar up, debating how much I should put in. He didn’t seem like the type of person who would like something overly sweet, but his throat sounded like it needed a bit more honey. 

“So, if I wasn’t adopted and you met me on the streets, would you be treating me like you’re treating him?” He groaned again and tried to grab my hand to get me to understand his point better. I moved my arm so he fell a bit farther on the counter. 

“I’m happy that someone who knows how to kill is now killing titans. You read the newspapers. What if he’s the reason the Scouts are doing better now?” I put the teacup on the tray along with a small bowl of honey. I couldn’t decide. 

Everyone in the café watched as I walked over to his table and put the tea down. 

“Peppermint tea. I don’t know how you like your tea so there’s some honey. You should put it in.” I pointed to the tiny bowl and he looked down at it too, grunting. I guess that was his way of saying thank you. 

Something made it so I didn’t move from standing in front of him. Maybe I was just curious why everyone was afraid to meet his eye or why they thought he was so intimidating. I mean, Jonas was shitting his pants talking about him and here I stood, not feeling anything like that. I was grateful, if anything, for his service in the Corps and just how many titans he’s rumored to have killed.

“Do you have a question?” It was harsh and it woke me out of the trance while looking at him. I had to recover quickly, or it’d be a bit embarrassing to just admit I was staring at him. He really… wasn’t so bad looking either. Just short. 

“I’m waiting for you to put the honey in your tea.” A good recovery with a hard tone behind it. Hopefully, he didn’t see through it. He groaned again, taking one spoonful and making a grand gesture about putting it into the tea and stirring. I smiled when he followed my fake orders, but it was funny. The titan serial killing maniac gangster had done something that I told him. I nodded once before walking away from his table, noticing, again, everyone’s eyes. It was easier to face his grey ones than it was to look at all of theirs. Annoying. 

“Jonas, get off my counter! You’re making it dirty!” 

Orders and people kept flowing in as the hour passed by, but as it reached lunchtime, everything slowed down. No one would want pastries until later in the day for an after-work snack and coffee and tea had lost their use as everyone was now knees deep in work. The only people left in my café were three older women gossiping, two men playing chess, and the Captain himself. 

He was still in the same position, staring out the window, and he slowly sipped his tea as if he was savoring it. I noted that as a victory for my tea-making skills and also noticed that he had used up all the honey I had given him. Interesting. He did like his tea sweet. Maybe he is scary and I’m just not good at judging someone’s character. 

All there was left to do was keep the bread and pastries rotating in and out of the oven and tend to the customers who came every fifteen minutes or so. When I was on downtime, I would debate on whether to go talk to him again or just let him be. Maybe me talking to him would make him more tired and a waste of the peppermint tea I gave him. Just a bag of that tea costs a fortune in the capital, but I was now glad for my decision to buy it. 

Maybe he’s sitting there, try to get me to notice him and go talk to him. I can feel it when he looks at me while my back is turned. Is that a call to come over? Has my wit and good looks made him interested in me? Or, my last hypothesis, he can’t read me like I can’t read him. He is a Scout, so maybe he’s surveying me as they do. I was definitely trying to study him behind the pastry glass.

Around one, almost four hours after he stepped foot into my café, he stood up and walked the teacup and plate to the counter next to me. The dish tray wasn’t empty, so he either hadn’t seen it, or my second hypothesis was right and he had finally gotten annoyed that I didn’t approach him. 

“I don’t know where this goes.” His voice was still as stiff as ever, but perhaps it sounded a bit less scratchy. Up close again, I got to study his features. He was handsome, but not your average Trost brown-hair-brown-eyes boy. His eyes told stories the longer you looked at them. Stories of titans and death and the underground. I wish I could stare at them for longer, but he lowered his head again, pushing the cup forward. I got to see his side profile from the other side and it was the same. He was perfect and symmetrical. Sharp jaw and nose hide under strands of raven hair. Everything about him was so… not dark, but I guess the right word would be intimidating or… hard. He just seemed to be hard. Nothing would break his shell, not even small talk, but damn, did I want to try. 

“I can take that for you, Captain.” He nodded and stood there as I put the dish in the sink. He was studying me like I had when I delivered the tea. I decided to use this against him. 

“Did you have a question?” He opened his mouth to say something, probably a quick remark, but it didn’t come out. I turned, smiling, looking at his stance. He still had a blank expression, hiding any emotion, but I knew deep down that my question affected him. 

“How much is that?” He pointed to the baguette in the glass display which conveniently _already_ had the price marked. Humanity’s strongest wasn’t very perceptive if he missed two things. First, the dish tray, now the price tag. Jonas couldn’t have been right about him… it was just a mirage for people inside the walls. For someone to kill that many titans, they had to be some sort of killing machine. They needed him to fit the narrative and his past and facial expression helped him to mold into it seamlessly. The narrative I broke out of as a child. 

“For Humanity’s Strongest? Free. Thank you for fighting the titans, Captain.” Without a word, I put the bread in a paper wrap and handed it to him. I had hoped he would say something back so I could talk to him more, but like every Scout, he just turned to walk out of the doors and probably back to the outside of Trost. 

“How long till you don’t come back, Captain?” 


	2. Expedition

_A Month Later_

The newspaper was open on the counter as I handed a customer a croissant and their overly-sweetened coffee. I was flipping through the pages, trying to find anything about the Scout’s latest expedition outside of the walls and if they had posted a casualties list. 

“Eva? Miss. Eva? Eva?!” I looked up again and noticed the kids trying to pull themselves taller than the counter to get my attention. How long were they asking for me? 

“Elias! June! What can I get for you today?” They put their spare change on the counter and counted it out. Not enough to buy a single cup of coffee combined. 

“What can we get for this much, Miss. Eva?” I smiled down at them again and pointed to the muffins I had cooling on the table. Blueberry was their favorite.

“If you both clean off the tables for me, by the time you’re done the muffins will be cool enough.” They nodded furiously and I handed them two rags. They both went off and divided the work. June was taller so she would try and wipe down the tables because she could reach the center, and Elias would reach the empty cups and plates and put them into the dish bin. Some of the old people looked at their running and saw it as annoying, but I just stared at them with a smile, reminding me of when I was a kid in this café. Having no concept of money, I would do chores and Mr. Flynn would just give me enough money to get a single piece of candy from the shop down the street. My labor definitely outweighed the money I received for it, but I was just happy getting candy. 

I turned my back on the kids, taking the newspaper with me, leaning on the glass case. It was a Saturday morning, so everyone had the luxury of sleeping in and not going to work but me. The bakery has to be open almost 24/7 so I can break even. Scanning the pages, I finally found what I was looking for. On the last page was only one paragraph describing the maneuver that the Scouts had done this past month taken from an interview from Commander Erwin. Something about implementing long-distance formations. Erwin’s speaking and various prints on the newspaper had shown him on opposite end of the coin of his captain. He seemed bright, personality and looks wise, and almost like a knight from fairytales. If Erwin was bright, then Levi was dark; maybe only in the form of rumors that I had yet to prove true.

Glancing over at the kids’ process, I found myself looking at the spot he sat. It was empty, and even if a group had sat there, it seemed empty. Their presence wasn’t as big as his. I laughed, big presence, little body. Maybe he’s compensating. 

It’s been a little over a month since he had been back to the café. That usually marked that the Scout had died, but I had a weird string of faith for him. If he’s Humanity’s Strongest, there’s no way an expedition would end him. Also, the thought of it being a freak visit made me a bit sad, but if I only met him once, it would be better than meeting him many times and then never again. 

“Miss. Eva, we’re done!” I handed the two muffins and their smiles were big enough to take me out of my thoughts completely.

“Here you go Miss. Eva.” June handed me the coins and I shook my head. 

“You paid for the muffins by cleaning. Go buy some candy down the street. If you tell him that Eva sent you, he might give you a free piece.” Elias’s, the younger, eye’s widened at the chance of free candy, but June seemed a bit reserved. She looked down at the floor and had one foot moving around on tiptoe. She wanted to ask me something. Was she too embarrassed to ask it in front of her little brother? 

“Eli, can you go buy me a lollipop? I want to sit here and eat my muffin.” He didn’t care about anything other than the candy he was going to get, so he nodded and took off. I watched as he ran through the small crowd on the street. 

“Now, what do you want to ask me June?” Her face went red and she was still staring at the floor. 

“How…How do you know you like a boy?” I almost choked on air and made sure I heard her right. She had a mother, but she comes and asks the baker that gives her free food. I should take it as a complement and I should tell her not to worry about boys until she was older. These kids are getting more and more mature than I was at eleven. 

“Why are you asking me that?” She put the muffin on the counter. 

“W-Well I know a lot of boys like you! So, you have to know how!” She got confident with her last sentence, but it was the first one that shocked me. Where were these men? She might just be exaggerating to get her point across.

“I didn’t know that a lot of boys liked me, June. I just stay in this building almost all day. What boys?” 

“Um… I was told not to tell you.” I narrowed my eyes at her and thought of a way to get it out of her.

“If I tell you how to know you like a boy, you have to tell me what boys like me. Your mother is one of the people telling me I should get married soon. You could help me with that.” She nodded furiously and easily betrayed whoever the man was. 

“When you like a boy… hm. I’ve only ever liked a few boys, June. I guess it starts with you wanting to talk to them a lot. You hope that whenever you’re in the same room as them, they come and talk to you. When you’re at school do you want this boy to come over to your desk?”

“Yes, but he only goes to his other friend’s desks.” She huffed and rested her chin on the counter. Cute. I reached over and ruffled her hair.

“Sometimes you get this feeling in your stomach, like butterflies. You get really nervous and can’t talk that well to him. You might just stare a lot because you’re too afraid to say anything that might sound stupid.” She sat up again, a more determined look on her face. 

“So then how do I know he likes me?” I wiped the spot where her chin was on the table. My hands were definitely in need of some lotion or balm. It wasn’t even winter yet and they were still cracking over the amount I used them. 

“It’s hard to tell with boys. Sometimes they’ll be mean to you and it still means they like you. Sometimes they won’t talk to you at all, but they’ll just stare at you too. Some boys will also just talk and talk to you about anything. Boys your age are pretty dumb. Boys are dumb in general, actually. It doesn’t get better with age.” She nodded in agreement and I ruffled her hair a little bit more, seeing that Elias was already running back with a small bag. 

“So that’s how I know Jonas likes you. Because he doesn’t stop talking to you.” My eyes widened a little bit as something I was suspicious of being confirmed. 

“Jonas said that?” She nodded. 

“He says he thinks you’re the prettiest girl in Trost and probably of all the districts.” She covered her mouth like it was going to help she spilled her confidant’s secret. 

“Well isn’t that sweet of him.” Elias almost fell opening the door to come back in. Once he stopped he was breathing hard and put the bag of candy on the counter. 

“Guess who I saw coming this way, Eva!” His words barely came out through his hard breathing and coughing. I turned around to get him a glass of water.

“I don’t know, Elias. With you’re yelling it’s gotta be someone cool.” 

“You have to guess, Eva!” 

“Oh, I don’t know! A tit-” My words stopped when I turned back around to give Elias water. It was a sudden return and I didn’t know how to react to it. However, it made sense. I saw the people gather a few days ago to welcome them back.

“Captain.” He was wearing his uniform still, the hood of his cape making him even darker, but I was glad he took it off when meeting my eyes. June and Elias moved aside, leaving their things on the counter. 

“One cup of _black_ tea, please.” I smiled a bit and nodded as he took the coins from his pocket. Today, I wouldn’t make a suggestion. It seemed like he was running on two hours of sleep and needed something. I would have suggested coffee, but I didn’t think he’d accept it. 

He went to sit in the same spot and something inside of me lit up. It wasn’t empty anymore. Now that he had come a second time, he would have to start coming back. It wasn’t a fluke.

“Bye, Miss. Eva!” June pulled Elias out of the café, no doubt to go and spy on Captain Levi from a different angle. I looked up at the clock on the wall to see if he had returned at the same time. It was closer to one o’clock, meaning if he stayed the same length of time, he’d be here at closing. Something about that made me excited. 

The café filled with a total of 4 people felt so alive now that he was in it. Maybe it was because he had broken the perpetual boredom inside of me. It could also be because his actions proved that it wasn’t a freak accident leading him here. The Captain had to be intelligent and calculating, so the fact that he chose here was ever more intriguing. 

I poured the tiny bowl of honey again and walked over to his table. With the small number of people here, I might also have a better chance of having a conversation.

“One _black_ tea for the Captain.” 

“Thank you.” It was short, but not a grunt this time. Progress was being made. I didn’t stand and stare this time but went back to fake reading the newspaper. The news that I wanted showed up at my doorstep, so I just looked at the riddles section. 

I wonder how the last expedition went for him. Did he kill more titans? I mean that probably is a given for him. What is it like looking at a titan up close? I had never seen a titan in person, only in drawings, but I was still curious. I put the newspaper down, pretending to go do something, and locked eyes with him right away. He was staring at me. Should I play with him to get him to talk? No. I just smiled and turned to go do some fake task. Apparently, wiping the counter that June and Elias cleaned seemed to be that task. 

The tables! I grabbed the bucket on the floor and a rag that Elias used. They may have done it already, but if it gave me some reason to talk to Captain, then I guess the tables have to deal with being extra clean… and my hands would have to deal with being extra dry.

“Oi.” It was soft and I looked up from the 5th table. I pointed to myself and he nodded, “This table needs to be wiped again. Whoever did it before did a bad job.” I narrowed my eyes and thought of Elias as he ran around cleaning. He just insulted my kid. 

“It looks clean to me,” I retorted sounding a bit childish. I had a kid’s legacy to protect. He wiped a finger on the wood and held it up to me. His finger had nothing on it. Never knew someone who could kill titans would also be a clean freak. Isn’t that an oxymoron? 

“It’s dirty. I might even report you to the police for keeping food in this environment.” I huffed and put the bucket on the floor, noticing that a few drops had hit his boots. I’m sure he didn’t leave that unnoticed either, tsk, the clean freak. He might make me buy him new ones. 

I leaned over and cleaned the table while he lifted his cup and saucer up. It was then I realized how close he was to me and how much he was staring. This time he wouldn’t glance away every time I looked back, almost like he was inspecting my cleaning. 

“There you go, Captain.” 

“It’s Levi. Just Levi. You’re not my subordinate.” Huh, was this him trying to be nice and sociable? I’ll take it. 

“And it’s Evlynn Flynn. I know unfortunate naming, but I didn’t pick it. Everyone calls me Eva. Just Eva.” I mimicked him and he seemed to not care about the joke I just made. Guess he wouldn’t like the riddle section of the paper. 

“What were you reading about?” I put the rag back into the bucket like I was going to move onto the next table. Who was I kidding? 

“Huh?” 

“The newspaper. What were you reading?” Oh. Now, if I told him that would be embarrassing. Isn’t this the second time that this has happened? 

“Just everything. I read about your last expedition. The papers seem to not deem it important. They gave your commander just one paragraph.” He set his cup down. He was only half way done… this soon?

“Well, at least they published something this time. Usually, we just get nasty looks.” I laughed a bit, and his expression told me that that wasn’t a joke. 

“I think it’s the last few expeditions you’ve had. You’ve come back with less and less dead. It seems so… calm outside the walls. Not many titans to fight. Maybe they’re getting ready to hibernate for the winter.” He nodded and seemed like he wasn’t going to continue the conversation. A man of few words. One rumor: true. 

Assuming he was done talking to me, I turned to fake wash the other tables.

“Why are you interested in the Scouts? Not a lot of people are.” 

“Oh, well, I have to have something to give me hope, right?” I looked at the chair behind me that was very much open. No, I wouldn’t sit today. Give him something to hope for too.

“Hope? From the Scouts?” 

“Yeah. If anyone is going to save us from the titans, it has to be the ones actively killing them, right? The Garrison, they’re the ones who give me no hope. They come in on duty and drink my coffee supplies down the drain. I have to go to the capital to get those.” He finished his cup of tea and I looked up to the clock. It had only been an hour. 

“Do you also get your tea from the capital?” I nodded and went to clean the table closest to him. It made him turn to me and that’s when I realized he did want to talk. Like actually talk. 

“Sometimes it’s the marketplace by the gates. Other times it’s the one by Mitras. The two you drank were specialty from some dealer in the underground who deals in Mitras. I think he scammed me for them, but if you’re enjoying them, then I guess it’s worth it.” His face had a look of recognition. 

“That’s why I remember this taste. I’ve had these teas before.” Rumor number two confirmed. Levi was from the underground. 

“You were born in the underground.” It wasn’t a question and he nodded, “Me too.” I don’t know what made me spill such a big part of my life to him, maybe the fact that we were the same, but I didn’t feel any regret like I did when I told Jonas the first time. He understood what it meant to be from there.

After that, it was a comfortable silence as I went on fake cleaning. We had reached a point of similarity and that was enough. I tended to customers and gave him a second cup of tea when he asked. For the amount of time he stayed, it was probably their few days off after an expedition. I wonder when he’d have to go back to the HQ from Trost. Do they have houses inside Trost? I know some of the older Scouts relocate their families here to be closer, but the chance of Levi having family was low. Those would be questions for another visit. 

“Have a good dinner, Mrs. Markas!” She waved from the door as she took her bag of bread. I looked at the clock again. It would be time to get ready to close soon. Levi was still in his chair, looking out at the dinnertime rush. I sadden a bit at our future parting when I kicked him out. I might just let him sit until I have to go upstairs to sleep. 

The last few customers came through and I looked at the small amount of bread left. No one was going to come in anymore. Time to close. 

I grabbed my broom and went to open the door so I could sweep dirt outside. 

“Captain?” I leaned over so I could see if he reacted to me calling him. What I saw made my eyes widen in surprise. His eyes were closed, his head tilted a little back, and he was breathing heavily. Was he… sleeping? I thought he stopped talking to me because he didn’t have anything to say. How long was he sleeping? 

I stopped sweeping to give him a good look in the setting sun. The dark circles were still there, but his face had completely softened. His hair was swept back revealing all of his face. Even with his sharp features, when he was sleeping, something had changed. He looked peaceful. I decided not to ruin precious sleep for him, remembering the state he walked in with, and I cleaned around him. Even when I took his cup, he didn’t flinch or wake up. Good, he needed sleep. I was also a little happy he decided to do it in my café. 

I closed the windows and turned the lamps up a bit so I could still see what I was doing. Should I wake him up now? It’s getting late and he’d have to ride back to the HQ in the dark. He might even get in trouble for being out so late. Groaning, I walked over to shake him. Putting a hand on his shoulder, I shook him softly. 

“Levi? Levi? Captain Levi?” With the last one, his eyes shot open and his hand slammed on the table. I jumped away from him. Good thing I had moved the teacup a few minutes ago. Within seconds of him waking up, the hardness was back again and it was like he never took a nap. 

“What time is it?” He looked up at me and probably was confused that I held my heart in my hand. He had scared me waking up so violently. 

“It’s almost five at night. I thought you might need to head back to HQ.” He stood up almost knocking the chair over. Huh, he was actually a few centimeters taller than me. 

“Um, yes, I… I need to head back. I have paperwork to fill out.” I nodded and settled myself back to normal, taking a step to give him a free path to the door. 

“Have a good night, Levi. I hope your next expedition goes well.” He nodded and grunted once. 

“Goodnight…Eva.” 


	3. Normal

_“A false sense of calm. Of hope. That’s all that it was.”_

Everything had been published in the papers rooting for the Scouts and people in the streets were also in high spirits when they heard they were coming back from a monthly expedition. People had lined up in front of the café and this time I decided to join them and not wait for the newspapers. I could see if Levi made it out alive by just stepping outside of my door. 

Jonas had given me the box he was standing on, yet I still had to go on my tiptoes to just get a look over everyone else’s heads. I had asked Jonas how people knew the Scouts would come back and he said they would just take the whole day to stand and wait. It was almost beautiful to see the number of people here to support them and it made me feel warm inside. I never forgot the look Levi gave me when I told them the Scouts gave me hope, but I hoped that this display from the people of Trost could convince him.

“They’re here!” There were soft cheers as the horses neared in everyone’s vision. This was the first time I got to see Erwin in person and the portraits of him gave his eyebrows no justice. Even from far away you could see his herculean presence. People cheered more and more and I searched around for him on as they came closer and closer. 

Then the cheering stopped. The first of the line to see what was behind Erwin shut completely up and I was straining so hard to see why. Erwin’s expression was unreadable.

“Elias, get on my shoulders.” I grabbed the little boy from Jonas and hoisted him up as a lookout, “Can you see why they stopped cheering?” 

The smile on the boy’s face dropped.

“Elias?” Before he could say anything, the crowd started for him. 

“I thought for once we had a chance! Now, look!”

“My tax dollars down the drain again.”

“Ugh, useless.” I felt Elias’s grip on my hand tighten as he heard the remarks. He was little and probably couldn’t understand the criticism of the people he wanted to be when he grew up. Even I couldn’t understand until I finally saw what everyone was muttering about. Scout after Scout limped by.

They had halved easily. They were filled with people who were bandaged, crippled, walking with no horse, or lying unconscious in a cart. This made me instantly seize up with worry. Where was Levi?

“Miss. Eva… Where did they all go?” His tiny voice was filled with so much sadness. I hadn’t been there to see them off like the rest, but I knew from the somber faces that it was bad. My eyes darted back and forth from the people in the carts to those on horseback. Shouldn’t Levi be near Erwin if they were both officers? That means he had to be walking somewhere. 

I handed Elias back to Jonas and pushed my way to the front. It was rather easy now that people were starting to turn around and go back home after the big disappointment of the Scouts. I didn’t care about the numbers now, I just wanted to see one soldier for who I had just bought more peppermint tea. 

When I reached the front, the sight was even more heartbreaking. I could see their eyes. I could see the sadness and fear. It was something I had only seen in the humans of the underground. Then remember why I had stopped coming to bid the Scouts a ‘Welcome home!’ It was too much for current and past me to see humans deal with. 

A hand went on my shoulder and I turned to see Jonas. His face was harsh and solemn. I knew what his judgment of the Scouts was. They all walked by and slowly a sense of dread filled me. There was no way… Humanity’s Strongest couldn’t have… 

“Where is he?” The line wasn’t long and there were little to no people left. The chance of him showing up in the next few seconds was slim, but I put my hands together squeezing. Hoping.

“Levi.” 

It was a mere, breathy whisper, but his head snapped over from on top of his horse. Once he met my eyes, he looked forward like he had before. Not sparing me another glance. He was at the very back of the line, probably to protect the weak from lingering titans. It was a sick joke of a formation, but my stress level instantly went down. He didn’t look hurt, there were no bandages on him, but his expression was darker than I had ever seen it. It was probably selfish for me to only care about him right now, but as they walked by and out of the gates of Trost, I just wanted him to turn around and come in for a cup of tea. I wanted to hear him explain to me what happened. I wanted him to not hear the townspeople who were hurling insults left and right, not caring if the Scouts heard them. 

_Usually, we just get nasty looks._

No, Levi, my look wasn’t nasty. It was concerned, anxious, filled with stress; I wanted to give you some tea. 

“Come on. I’m sure people will want a pick me up after seeing that.” I looked at the ground, at the leftover wagon wheel tracks. I hope he didn’t think I was looking at him that way. 

“Miss. Flynn, I hope you have some coffee ready. Those of us who don’t drink will need it.” I looked over to see June and Elias’s father, a grim expression on his face too. Everyone’s emotions were putting me down too.

“Yes, sir. Right away.” 

He didn’t come in the rest of the day and the few days after that. I inquired with some people and learned that Scouts get a week off before they have to go back and the officers only a few days. Seeing some Scouts meet their parents again or come into the café made me doubtful of Levi’s return. Everyone was so dark and grim, and without Levi to come and break that, I started to sink into that emotion as well. So much so that a few people had commented on it. 

“A breakup with a boyfriend?” 

“Did you have a friend in the Scouts that died?” 

“You seem unlike yourself today, Eva.” 

It was those people who made my attitude worse. If only he would come in and let me talk to him, maybe I would feel better. The fact that he could be willingly not coming in was probably what made my thoughts worse. I even kept a kettle of hot water ready for when he came, but he never showed. 

“I know how much you revere the Scouts, Eva, but you can’t let that do this to you. A false sense of calm. Of hope. That’s all that it was.” I shook my head at Jonas as he wrapped my fingers with the balm treated bandages. I guess the atmosphere was making me physically deteriorate too. I was grinding coffee when the first part of my skin split. My right ring finger. I didn’t think anything of it, but as I worked and worked to suppress feelings, my hands started to suffer more and more. 

“It wasn’t false, Jonas. I still have hope in the Scouts. It was one expedition. It’s just the way everyone is acting is just putting me down too.” 

“We were all stupid to think that the titans had backed down, even for a little bit. I know it hurts, but it might be better to put your faith in other things… other people.” I pulled my hand away from him and stood up. What did he mean by that?

“My thinking is fine, Jonas. Don’t you have something to deliver.” That was his cue to stop talking and leave. It was nicer than I wanted to say to him, but I couldn’t be that rude to someone who comes back everyday. However, there were sometimes that I could yell at him or be short, but I didn’t care. Everyone deserved some hate for what they gave to the Scouts. That was my philosophy. 

I went about cleaning, making sure that every table was spotless, and taking extra care of his table. He was already stressed about death, if he came in, I didn’t want him to be stressed by dirt either. 

_If_ he came in. 

The hours ticked by and I found myself still sitting in the dark café after closing. Today was the last day of the regular cadet’s break. Maybe they were nice to officers and gave them the same. That’s what I was telling myself. 

Finally, when the sun went down, I told myself it was time to go. I reluctantly grabbed the leftovers to put in a bag and put my coat on. Even if it was a short walk up some steps to get to my home, it was getting colder as the end of fall was approaching. The city’s atmosphere somehow made the cold more depressing. 

Turning to lock the front door, I heard some footsteps walking up to the café. 

“Sorry, I know it’s looked like we were open, but we’re closed for the day. You can come back tomorrow at six in the morn-”

“I didn’t come because I don’t want you to be burdened by me.” My eyes widened and I dropped the keys on the ground. Quickly, I composed myself and the beating of my heart.

“Burdened?” I picked the keys up and saw his figure standing on the side of the alleyway. He was in regular clothes, but it still didn’t hide his stature of a captain. Anyone walking by would know it was him.

“You said the Scouts gave you hope. Then, we come back and I see your expression. I couldn’t even look at you because I ruined that. I didn’t want to come here, just for you to look at me and feel hopeless and lost and all these negative emotions and-” 

“You talk a lot for someone who’s wrong.” That stopped his rant and admittedly that is the most he’s ever talked to me, but I needed it to end. He was digging himself into a bigger hole. 

“What?” It wasn’t harsh this time as all of his one-word phrases were. 

“Whatever look I had on my face, when you were all marching through Trost, it wasn’t me losing hope. It was me, worried about their wellbeing. It was me, hearing what people were around them saying, hoping that you didn’t hear them. I think the look on my face was from a place of concern or even pity.” He moved to lean against the brick, arms folded. 

“I didn’t want to come here because then I’d involve you in all… in all of the emotions and all the death. A civilian shouldn’t have to deal with a soldier. They should be kept ignorant so they can live happily.” 

“So what was it then? You didn’t want to ruin my hope or you didn’t want to ruin my innocence?” He took a deep breath in and I noticed some people looking our way. This was a great way to have rumors spread like wildfire. If I go back to the café, there were windows that couldn’t be closed. I’m sure Captain here wouldn’t want civilians to witness his “soldier emotions”.

“I don’t…” He glanced to the side as well, seeing the people who stopped walking.

“Follow me or at least try to get yourself onto the second-floor apartment if you’re worried about them.” I turned away from him and went up the stairs on the side of the building, opening my front door. To my surprise, he did just follow behind me. Another order I’ve gotten him to follow.

“Do you want tea, Captain? I only have green tea up here.” He just stood by the closed door and stared at me. It’s like he was scared about coming into my house. Was this the first time he’s ever come home with a woman? There’s some humor in this situation I guess. 

“No… I’m fine.” I put the bag of bread on the kitchen counter and pulled out the tea leaves. I’d make him one anyway. 

It was quiet again, but quiet like the first time we met. It was full of awkwardness and questions we wanted to ask. The air was too thick to swallow. To think, this is only the third time I’ve met him and he’s in my house. Maybe it’s just entertaining for him to see how civilians live. That’s why he followed.

“So, I’ll ask again. You didn’t come because you didn’t want to-” 

“I didn’t come because I was scared to face you.” I stopped stirring the honey into my tea. I even let go of the spoon to look up at him, still standing by the door. So he was scared of me. Captain Levi was scared of me? No, that couldn’t be. He just didn’t know how to define what he was feeling. 

“Scared?” He nodded and leaned against the door frame, pinching the bridge of his nose. It was like he was mad at himself for saying all of this. Maybe he was. Revealing those solider emotions again.

“When I came in on my horse, I saw your face and I saw the face of the boy next to you. I didn’t care about him, but yours… I thought that my failure on this expedition had broken the hope you had for the Scouts. If I came to your café, you would just treat me like everyone else does? Just like everyone treats the Scouts. I had found someone who understands the underground and who seems to understand the Scouts, and then that look on your face… it was like it was over.” 

“My look was concern. I told you that.”

“But in a town full of people looking up at you with anger and hatred in their eyes, how do you tell the difference?” I’d give him that. I was surrounded by people swearing and glaring up at him. I was just a bit hurt that he misread my emotions after I told him what I thought. He wasn’t scared, but he was bad at precepting people’s feelings. That could add to the rumor of him being emotionless. He wasn’t emotionless, he just didn’t have to ability to deal with the mass amount of emotions he gets.

You’ve only talked to him one and a half times, Eva. How are you talking like you know him?

“What made you come here then? You came when you knew I had closed. Was it to avoid everyone?”

“I was here earlier, I just didn’t have the courage to face you and everyone in that café. Especially that one boy you always have next to you.” That made me laugh out loud. Humanity’s Strongest was annoyed at Jonas and scared of me. What kind of power do I have over him? The tea he likes? Why was he so worried about Jonas? 

“That boy’s name is Jonas and he’s a delivery boy for Reeve’s Company. He’s around me a lot because he’s the delivery boy for that area of Trost and he likes to talk a lot. He also lives around here too.” 

“Your hand?” He reached out a slim finger to point at my bandages and I held my hand up. He had probably seen Jonas bandage it again today. 

“My skin splits from being so dry. I get it from work. I haven’t found a good balm to heal it though.” He closed his eyes.

“I come back from an expedition and you’re the one who’s hurt.” That hit something in my core. I looked up at him from the tea and his eyes were staring again. No look to the side and not from the peripheral. It was like when I was cleaning the tables. This feeling… with a Captain of the Scouts. That was dangerous for my sanity. I wondered if he felt the same.

I walked over and sat down on the couch that was facing him and set the tea down, one cup across from the other. 

“Again, to make sure you understand in that over-calculating brain of yours, Captain. My hope isn’t broken. There will be bad expeditions and there will be good ones, but to me, having bad ones will always be better than not having any. My look was concern for you. You were at the very back, but I thought you would be near Commander Erwin. I couldn’t find you anywhere, so I was the one who was scared. When I saw you, the way that you looked, I was concerned for how you felt, physically and mentally.” That made him lower his gaze to the ground again. I wished I swept last night. 

“Who are you to feel concern for me?” If I didn’t know where he came from, I would have been offended by his question. Truthfully, I was a little hurt that he said it that way, but I knew what he meant. In the underground, those who cared about you were those who used you or were in the same boat as you. I wasn’t a Scout and he knew I couldn’t possibly use him in this situation. He was confused why I had given him any thought, as his normal life would have nothing to do with me. Why didn’t I shy away from him and revere him as an scary, emotionless Scout?

“I’m someone who cares. Someone who’s still confused about you, personally. Why did he come into my café? Why does he keep coming? Someone who knows only a fraction of what it’s like to live in this world and someone who knows nothing about what you have to go through everyday. I’m not a Scout, I’m not a soldier, hell, I don’t think I could punch anyone hard enough to hurt them, but I do know what it feels to lose people and what it feels like to be judged by them too. So, I guess I’m someone who’s game for understanding you, too. You’re concerned about me too. My hands.” He didn’t answer, he just kept looking at his shoes on the floor. What’s so interesting about them? 

“I am concerned, yes. I don’t know why I feel so concerned about the opinions and condition of someone I’ve only talked to on two separate occasions. I’m not a civilian, nor do I live a normal life, but I guess I’m someone who is also game for creating normal. Starting with your tea. I went to your café on a recommendation from a friend and I came back because you gave me some thread of normalcy to hold onto. Sitting here and in that café, I don’t feel like Captain Levi. I just feel like Levi, whoever that is. No titans, no paperwork; just tea.” I smiled up at him and maybe my cheeks were a little warm too. It was just the tea being too hot, that’s what it was. 

“Well, Mr. Levi. Come drink some tea and sink into normalcy. We can talk about anything you want.” He stood up from the wall, contemplating if he was to join me on the couch. If he did, he knew he’d just signed himself up for a lifetime deal. He’d have to come to the café every month at least and he couldn’t die. That would ruin his normal and my understanding. I wasn’t all that surprised when he sat down, but still my heart felt like it was going to burst. Maybe for the first time in his life, he picked to sit instead of to stand. 

“Tea. I don’t know much about it, but I drink it from habit. What teas are good for what? You recommended me mint tea that first time.” I moved my legs up so I could sit crisscross and comfortable. 

“You’ve just asked a very, _very_ loaded question, Levi.” 

We talked late into the night about tea and owning a café. Many cups of tea had kept us up and I had completely gotten lost in conversation that I forgot he would’ve had to leave. He didn’t leave that night, but I don’t remember who slept first or when. He just sat there, leaning with one arm of the back of his chair and one leg crossed, listening and commenting on the various teas I recommended and on what I should do to change the cafe’s layout for a better person-per-square-meter ratio. 

At one point, we had just stopped talking, each taking sips of our respective cups. There weren’t thoughts of titans, of the Scouts, or of failed exhibitions. I also got a lesson in math, so it let me understand that even without a proper education, Levi was a genius at certain things. We sat there soaking in the present. That’s probably why he forgot he had to go back to HQ or why I forgot to prep the starter dough for the morning. We didn’t care much for the future consequences. 

When I woke up, he was gone. The blanket I had given him, saying I’d go sleep in my own bed, was over me and the tea cups were clean and hung up on their rack. It was satisfying to wake up like this. Everything was light and peaceful again as opposed to waking up with Trost’s grim atmosphere. It was seven in the morning, and I was late to open the café, but I didn’t care or feel any rush. As I walked out of the door to a, probably, annoyed crowd, I felt a note in the breast pocket of my coat.

_Left at 5AM to get back to HQ. See you after the next expedition._

_-L_


	4. Pretend

Levi had accustomed himself to come at one on the Saturday he had off. He would walk in and order black tea, knowing I would give him the complete opposite. When the rush of people was over, he would take the cloth from my hands, commenting on how soap adds to dryness, and clean the table tops to his liking. I never understood why it took him one pass, but when I did it, he would complain over and over again. Secretly, he must want to clean. Maybe it’s his idea of normalcy. Being able to clean up inside the walls when it was hard to do the same on the outside. It gave him a sense of being in control that he didn’t have over there, so I let him clean while I swept. 

Then, we would close the windows, lock up shop, and he would take the entrance in the back of the café up to the apartment so no one would suspect anything. It felt weird having to sneak around doing no wrong, but Levi was the master of it and insisted. We would sit across from each other, tea in hand, and just talk about anything. The topics included the best water source in the walls, the gossip that plagued Trost, and how many kicks it takes to knock out all of someone’s teeth. While certain topics about the Scouts or the current expedition would come up, they were short and never really taken care of. He never asked for my time in the underground or the details about me gaining ownership of the café. It was a good game of pretend for the time being, but it got me thinking about what we were pretending to be. As we sat there, in my home, sipping tea, what was this “normal” that Levi was playing out? If he wasn’t Captain and I wasn’t civilian, then what characters were we? And at what point will this game morph into reality… if it for me hasn’t already. 

We’ve met three times more after we started the game. Twice after expeditions and once on a random day in the middle of a blizzard. The Scouts were preparing to go out for an expedition, but it was suspended for the day until the weather had cleared up. 

I never went to see Levi off. I’d listen to their shouts from the comfort of my café, but never went to see them leave the town square. I think that’s when the game we were playing would break. Seeing Levi and Captain Levi leaving and me as the civilian, hoping he’d return. I would only go meet them on their way back and we could pretend again once I saw his face and knew he was alive. It was dangerous, like I had said before. Deep down Levi had to know that too.

Now, we were in the last month of the year, and the Scouts were off on a shortened expedition so they could spend the end of the year festival with their families. I didn’t have any idea what Levi would do then. We never had the opportunity to meet for more than one night a month. Would that change?

“What the hell are you thinking about so hard? A new recipe?” I turned to Jonas who was sitting next to me. We were going over what extra I was going to order for the holidays. People desperately wanted fresh bread and pastries, and I had to include fruit in them as tradition states. I would be busy the week before the festival time, so I would have to close up for a few days and hope that my profit for the holidays would outweigh that of which I lost. It usually did and I had most of my savings because of the year-end. Last year, I had enough saved to even go out and enjoy the festivities they put on in Trost. 

“I’m doing math in my head, hold on. If it takes four berries per pastry and twelve a batch and I plan to make twelve batches that’s…I wrote it down, that’s like, round up, six-hundred. And you said you can guarantee there to be twenty plus in each box, so I’ll have to buy… thirty boxes! That’s so much money!” I whined on the table and Jonas wrote down the number on the form. At least I would get a friends and family discount. 

“I think people will want more than you have anyways. I mean, this is the time of year you usually have a line outside of the café.” He put a hand on my back and I sat up again. 

“It’s just I hate spending money every year on a business gamble. Especially when I have to get gifts for people too. With the increased prices, I’ll have to dig into reserves and I have yet to buy just regular working items in the capital. That’s another five or six days off.” I put my head in my hands again. Too much to think about. 

“I could go to the capital with you this time. It would be easier since I know a lot of the merchants there.” I shook my head no.

“I don’t just get supplies at the capital. Sometimes I go to get my hair cut, other times I shop for a whole day for gifts. It’s really boring, and besides you have to deliver things. I know the volume of orders is also a lot during this time.” He nodded and looked dejected that I rejected his offer, which made me smirk. Don’t think I’ve forgotten what June said to me… and I’ve noticed it too. The hand bandages, bringing in extra stuff from Reeve’s, showing up right when Levi does and talking for an hour. He may not be that smart, but the common sense he has is astounding. 

“Well, if you don’t let me go to the capital with you, then you have to go to the year-end-” 

“The Scouts are back! Only two casualties!” I cut off Jonas from whatever he was going on about and walked out the café door with the other customers. The two casualties remark got them on their feet, excited, but any talk of casualties got my stomach turning. It would never be Levi, but there was always an off chance. 

This time, lots of people gathered around the streets, probably even some visitors to see their child return from the Scouts. It was always something that happened during this time of year. A long vacation meant that the families could finally be together and rejoice about another year alive. It made me think about the families that had those hopes devastated. This year-end would be different for them. 

The Scouts turned the corner with less than before, but not because of death. People had gotten off the convoy when they had seen their family. Some people would not get off and ride to either lodgings in Trost or the HQ. Levi was one of those people. If I had known about the way the Scouts do year-end, I would have invited him to come and stay in my apartment and not have to ride back and forth from outside Trost. Even if I did that, for threat of rumors, he probably wouldn’t have gotten off at the café. 

I saw him by Erwin, all near the end this time so that the others could leave the line undisturbed. We locked eyes and he nodded once before staring ahead again. I smiled and turned back around, entering the warmth of the café. Jonas followed looking back and forth between me and the Captain on his horse. If anyone had suspicions about Levi, it was him and the older women who seemed to always show up at one on Saturday. This time, I had no idea when he would show up to the café, as he was much more freer than usual. 

“Is Captain Levi going to buy some pastries for his Scout comrades?” It was probably jealousy that made him act so hostile. I wish he would just act normal in these situations.

“I hope so. That’s a lot of pastries to buy. I might even force him to for how many cups of my tea he drinks.” That wasn’t a lie. I would need to buy peppermint tea in the capital by how much we’ve both drank in the past 2 months. Who knew three nights could ruin my supply of tea? And I was worried about the Garrison.

“He pays for all of them, right?” I nodded and signed the order form. Jonas was just trying to find one crack in Levi’s personality. Something to make it easy to hate him more.

“Every third cup is free though. Maybe I’ll eliminate that policy just for him.” I wanted to get Jonas to laugh, but I guess when talking about Levi that was impossible. 

“Since this is such a large order, you have to put fifteen percent down. Company policy.” I reached into the bag that held some of my money and sadly dished it out. Why must this world run on a monetary system? 

“Well, I’m off. The bar down the road has a lot of wine to order. I’ll see you in a few days, yeah? You’re planning to go to the festival, right?” I nodded and stood up, walking him out. 

“Of course! I have to give you your gift, too. Don’t tell anyone, but I think you’re going to like what I planned.” He smiled and raised one hand in the air to wave goodbye as he walked through the crowd. In all honesty, I had no idea what I was going to buy him or anyone. I just went to the capital and hoped the items at the marketplace spoke to me. 

“Do you have something for me planned too?” I jumped and almost slammed the door on him. Levi was leaning against the outside wall, one leg up, like he always did. I just wasn’t expecting him to come today or this quickly. My heart started beating fast again. 

“I thought you’d be going to HQ.” I looked him up and down. He was in black slacks and white shirt, his regular, everyday outfit. That was a quick change. I tried to tell him that he still stuck out because we don’t dress like that, but he refused. Even his clothes had to have crisp, clean folds and edges that made them stand out.

“Erwin thought it would be nice to have the Scouts without families to board together in town for the festival. So we wouldn’t have to go back and forth.” Convenient. 

“That’s cute. Is it also because Mitras doesn’t want to send in any MPs, so they put you all in charge for the district you’re closest to?” He smirked for a second then dropped it. 

“How did you guess that?” I smiled and moved out of the way so he could walk into the café. 

“It happened last year too. I forgot you weren’t there yet. The old ladies aren’t here to oogle at you, so you’re going to have to deal with no female attention.” He followed me behind the counter where he leans against to watch me bake or make coffee when he’s too bored of the window. With the news of the Scouts and families reuniting, the café was now empty. Levi would allow himself to play the normal game again. 

“I think I’ll be fine.” He stood there, watching me make puff pastry for what felt like forever. Even if it was comfortable to have his eyes on me, sometimes when I knew he wanted to say something, it was annoying. 

“If you’re so interested in how to fold puff pastry, I can show you tonight.” 

“O-Oh… Um, I can’t stay tonight. We have an officer’s meeting to plan all of the expeditions for next year.” Oh. That’s a first. Why did it make me so sad that he said he couldn’t stay? I’m not used to it. We’ve only done it four times.

“I’ll be going to the capital tomorrow. I guess we’ll both have to wait a few days to finish our conversation on what color to repaint the walls of the Scout HQ.” He switched sides of the counter so he was leaning on the one I was working on. When he did this, it meant he wanted to know I understood something. Very Captain of him.

“Capital? By _yourself_? At this time of year?” I nodded and pushed aside a finished puff pastry sheet. 

“I always do. I have to get a lot of things for the festival. I also buy gifts, so if you want to have an amazing gift like Jonas, I have to go.” That made him blink and I’d never seen that look before. He seemed dumbfounded with the idea I was going to travel there myself. 

“You’re actually buying me a gift?” Oh, so it wasn’t the trip. It was the fact someone was going to get him a gift. I’m sure he’s had someone give him gifts before; his fellow officers or friends or someone.

“Of course I am. I’d consider you important enough to get a gift for.” The reddening of his face didn’t go unnoticed. Another win for me. I’ve made it my mission to get him to show emotion on a daily basis so I wouldn’t have to guess what he was thinking. So far I’ve gotten one smile, three instances of blush, and one small laugh.

This is what I meant by pretending to be normal. If he wasn’t a Captain right now, and Captain Levi would never blush, then who was he? What person was he playing that would stand right next to me and blush? Who am I playing to have the right to elicit this type of reaction from him? Right now, I wasn’t playing. When I talk about paint and not about how curious I am about Levi’s time in the underground, that’s pretending. How far does Levi take it?

“I guess I’ll have to buy you a gift at the capital too.” I stopped folding dough. My heart picked up speed again. 

“Huh?” 

“Well, you can’t go on your own to the capital. Someone who’s capable of defending you from the Underground pickpocketers has to go with. I know how they work too. Plus, I have to get gifts for people. It’s just convenient that you happen to be going tomorrow.” I raised an eyebrow and remembered how easily I had denied Jonas. Was it real me or pretend me that didn’t want to deny Levi of escorting me to the capital? It all seemed like a fairytale; being escorted by a handsome, capable male. Short, but capable. Who was I to deny myself of that?

“I’ll think about it. I might leave you if you show up though. You don’t even know what time I’m going,” He pointed to the door, one hand still in the pocket of his damn slacks.

“Assuming that the sign you put on the door is correct, you’re closing tomorrow at noon. If I come at noon, I’ll catch you just in time for you to deny me.” He seemed to be in a good mood today if he was making jokes like that. Levi’s conversation depended on how that last expedition went it seems. Once he came back and barely talked to me. At that point I prepped dough while he sat on my couch staring hard at the wall. The other time he came back, he was his normal self. Not talking much in the morning, but then talking about all the ways he’d remodel the Scout HQ if they had the money at night. No matter what mood, he wouldn’t talk to me about the expeditions. The line he wouldn’t cross, I’m assuming. 

The next day the café was extra busy as everyone wanted to get their orders in before I closed early. There were bulk orders for parties, the buying of heavy amounts of bread, and regular coffee sales. When noon came around, I was proud to say I was legitimately out of bread and only had a few pastries. I decided to take those along on the ferry ride. 

I went upstairs using the back way, going to grab my bag and the amounts of money I put aside. Last night, I made sure I calculated four or five times, allotting only a few extra amounts of change if I went over budget. During year-end, I had to be very strict with my spending if I didn’t want to go in the negative like Mr. Flynn had taught me. 

“Eva.” I stopped walking up the stairs and saw the person sitting on my steps. Was it bad that I felt disappointed that it wasn’t Levi? He said he was going to come at noon.

“Jonas. What can I do for you? I gotta run soon to buy a ticket to the ferry.” He smiled and held up two pieces of paper. Oh gods. 

“I bought them already. Like it or not, I’m coming with you.” That unsettled me, because I had subconsciously accepted Levi’s offer. Jonas might be a bit heartbroken if I say that. 

“Uh, Jonas, you should go return those tickets so you don’t waste your money. If you do it an hour before the ferry, they give you a full refund.” I tried to push past him to get to get into my house, but he held his hands up. This was getting frustrating. He wouldn’t even let me get into my own house. 

“You shouldn’t be going alone at this time, Eva. You remember what happened last year, you got robbed!” I rolled my eyes and tried to push past him again, but it didn’t work because I wasn’t a six foot tall man who lifts heavy boxes everyday. 

“They tried to take my money, but it was an empty bag, Jonas. I’m not stupid enough to be carrying things around like that. If anyone knows how pickpockets work, Jonas, I’m one of them. Please, can I get into my house.” He stepped up one more step and held his arms out wide like he was doing something heroic. I couldn’t tell him that I wasn’t going alone, so he’d just have to trust me on this one. 

“Do _I_ have to kick you off these stairs?” Jonas froze and his eyes almost bugged out of his head. I had to lean over so I could see where the harsh voice came from. Curiously enough, he was standing there in my opened door. How the hell did he get into my apartment? Did I not lock it this morning? His voice was the harshest I’ve ever heard it.

“What are _you_ doing here?” Jonas snapped his head back and almost hit mine. This was the first time Jonas had probably said a full sentence to Levi that wasn’t full of stutters. 

Levi’s eyes were scary too. Meeting them, I could see his unfaltering glare towards Jonas. Chills. It didn’t help that he was looking down at us the whole time. 

“I’m here to escort Miss. Flynn to the capital so she can fill out a personal order for the Scouts.” It was a good lie that even I wouldn’t have been able to think of. He even used my last name which made it sound more legitimate. The only thing that might have been against us were those damn black slacks. 

“Is that true?” Jonas whipped his head back around and again almost hit me. I gave him an annoyed look before scratching the back of my head. 

“Yes, it’s true. Now, if you’ll let me by, I need to get my bag.” He looked defeated when I walked by him and I honestly didn’t think it was this serious. Maybe he had something planned but now Levi had come by and ruined it. Money was wasted on those tickets.

Without a word, I walked into the door past Levi and he slammed it behind me. I didn’t think he’d do that and thought it a bit rude to Jonas, but we didn’t have time for apologies. I’d give him a free cookie when I got back. The ferry was going to leave in about an hour and it takes twenty minutes to walk, not even mentioning the lines. 

“Do you have money to buy a ticket to the ferry? I didn’t budget two people.” He put on a tan winter coat before shaking his head no. It was a nice coat with the wings of freedom on the back and a fur lining in the hood. It mimicked that of their capes, but these were definitely for winter. It looked nice and warm. 

“We’re taking horses.” I dropped my bag and turned quickly to him. 

“Huh?! I don’t even know how to ride a horse!” He let out a huff in laughter and slung his bag over his shoulder. I hated horses. 

“It’s not hard. Besides, your horse is tied to mine. All you have to do is sit.” Oh, yeah, sit on an animal running at top speed. Of course the soldier is making it sound so easy. I’m even in a skirt, how is that going to work?

“I’d rather buy you the extra ticket.” 

“Don’t tell me you’re afraid of a horse.” He sounded… annoyed? Tough. I wasn’t going to tell him he was right though. 

“I’m just more comfortable going on the ferry. It’s what I always do.” I put on my coat and he opened the door slightly, probably checking to see if Jonas was still there. 

“Your boy seemed extra confident today. He even glared at me from less than 5 feet away. Usually he stands by your counter and does it. You should tell him I’m proud.” I rolled my eyes and headed out the door. _My_ boy. What kind of… 

“Are we still trying to get on the ferry or have you snapped out of your delusion that it’s better than horseback?” I shook my head and put my hands in my pockets. I couldn’t risk them getting any dryer in this weather. Hopefully, he had some spare gloves.

“You can take the horse. I’ll meet you in a few days.” He groaned but kept walking next to me. 

“If we take the horses we’ll get there early in the morning tomorrow. It would reduce it down to a three day trip instead of a six day one. You’d lose less money that way.” 

“I have enough money. Even more now that the Scouts want to order some pastries from me.” It was supposed to be a jab at him, but he didn’t falter at all. 

“Erwin said he wants something sweet. I’m assuming something with fruit too. I don’t know what these people like, so I’ll just order the most common thing I can.” I stopped walking and he went a few steps ahead of me before turning around. 

“You were… Y-you were serious about the order?” He nodded.

“At the meeting yesterday, I volunteered to get desserts for the officer’s year-end party they always have. You’re the best in Trost, aren’t you?”

Somehow that got me on his damn horse.


	5. Capital

“I know that horse hates me. It wouldn’t let me sleep and it almost bit my hair!” Levi rolled his eyes as he tied both horses to the hitch near the marketplace. We had gotten to the capital in the early morning and I made Levi stand watch while I got some sleep on the grass by the gates before we went in. When I slept, the horse I was riding tried to kill me and he didn’t even try to help. 

Once I was awake all Levi had to do was show his face and they knew exactly who he was. I didn’t even have to show my Trost Citizen District card as they just let us through. I guess his fame carries all the way to the capital and I was not complaining. Also I wouldn’t tell him, but it was definitely worth it taking horseback and not the ferry even if we didn’t talk much. He yelled at me that if I talked on a horse, I would bite my tongue off and I didn’t want to take the risk. 

“She knows you’re scared of her. She took advantage of the situation,” he pet the horse on the nose and I glared at him before looking down at the list. Coffee beans, tea, sugar cubes, honey, apples, and on and on it went. Another reason I was grateful we took horses is that I wouldn’t have to lug all of this stuff through a security check and then on and off the boat. Still can’t tell Levi that. 

“What do you need to get?” He almost ripped the list when he took it out of my hands and I took notice of how he was acting. As soon as we stepped into the gates, he ran to the horse hitch. He wanted to get in and out of Mitras as fast as he could. I wondered why he was so on edge here, but if I had to guess it might be how close we were to either the Underground or the Royal Government. Which one would Levi hate the most?

“Everything on that list plus gifts for the people on the back.” He flipped it over and inspected the names. We started walking, him standing a step behind me. Probably some tactical move.

“I’m still on here?”

“Of course you are.” That seemed to shut him up for a long time. I would just go from one stall to the next picking up the best deals on the small stock of honey and apples in the winter season. I had also played around with the man selling sugar cubes and got three packs for the price of one, easily. This all happened while Levi just stood behind me. I could sometimes feel the warmth on my back as he, too, leaned into the stalls to see what I was buying. It was comforting to have him behind me, but again, I wouldn’t say anything to him

Going deeper and deeper into the Mitras market, things were getting more expensive and the bags and baskets we were carrying were getting heavier. All I needed to get was the tea from the shady Underground dealer, the toy I was going to get Elias, and whatever I was thinking about getting Levi. Somehow I was going to have to ask him to stop following me so I could buy it. 

“I have to go talk to that Underground dealer to get tea. Maybe you shouldn’t come? It hasn’t been a while since you left so…” He looked down at the list again and noticed there was nothing more to get either. I would have to go get the tea either way and I could tell he didn’t want to tag along. I concluded it was the Underground he hated more.

“I’ll go over there and look for Erwin’s gift.” He pointed to some random stalls on the opposite side of the street. From there, he probably could still see me, but be far enough away from the Underground area as he wouldn’t have to see anyone there. I also noticed that was probably the first sentence he had said to me since we started walking through the market. I’d comment on that later. 

I waved him off and turned to go down the street to Marcus. He was an older man and definitely also a con artist who enjoyed selling tea on his off days. While Marcus was nice, I had to study up on the actual prices and places of tea before he tried to scam me of my money. The first peppermint tea I had bought, the small quantity Levi had gone through, he had charged me double of what it should be. What should I expect though? He’s a conman. I just had a soft spot for people from the Underground, hoping they would turn out for the better. The only person I’ve seen who’s ever done that would be Levi.

“Miss Evylnn! I didn’t see you last month! What can I get my best customer?” I rolled my eyes at him and looked at the tea leaves he had set out. I needed specialty teas. One powdered tea for baking and the special peppermint tea for my single customer. 

“I need this Earl Grey and this peppermint tea. The powder for the first one. How much?” He rubbed his chin, thinking of how to con me out of my money. 

“Well, since Earl Grey is popular this time of year, I’ll have to charge you more for that one. I’m on low supply, high demand. The peppermint will be the regular price.” I looked around him and saw the various other people buying things in the stalls to his left and right. 

“I don’t see the high demand, Marcus. Isn’t this the busiest time of day for the market?” He scratched the back of his head, looking for another out. 

“You just haven’t come at the right time for this part of the street.”

“Oh, that must be it.” I looked around his stall again and saw something in the back that caught my attention. It was _perfect_. 

“Marcus, how much is that?” I pointed to the open box and he seemed to smirk at my interest. He was going to charge me an arm and a leg for it I could just tell. 

“If you buy the tea at full price, I’ll throw it in for free.” Taking a few seconds I calculated it in my head and I was probably winning this deal. I held out my hand to him. 

“Deal. Can you wrap the box up for me?”

When I met back up with Levi, he seemed to have procured a small box himself and when I leaned over to inspect it, it he pulled it behind his back. 

“What’s that?” He turned his nose up to the sky, looking down at me. 

“None of your business.” I scrunched up my nose and stood up straight again. 

“We have to get Elias a gift and then we can get something to eat somewhere. What food do you like?” We started walking again in the same formation; Levi behind me on my right. 

“Don’t care.” He was back to it again: mumbling short phrases while glaring at everyone who walked by. I told him this is why people talk about him, but he didn’t respond to that either. Walking around to a few more stalls, I came across the toy dealer I knew would have what I wanted.

“Good afternoon, Miss… C-Captain Levi!” The toy maker bowed, “I-It’s nice to see you in the capital again!” Levi just grunted at the man who laughed his dismissal off. There were many wooden toys to choose from and a lot that were out of my price range. Hm, if I were an eight-year-old boy, what would I want?

“When you were eight, what did you play with?” It was a question I threw up in the air and I didn’t expect him to actually answer it. When he did, something caught in my throat and I coughed. 

“A knife.” I think even the toy maker took a second to make sure he heard him right. Again, no helping the rumors _at all_. 

I shook my head and reworded my question, “When you were eight, what did you want to play with?” I was switching between a figure of a soldier or a small train. I don’t remember anything that Elias specifically liked and he, as poor as they were, didn’t even have a lot of toys. If I got him anything, he’d be grateful. 

“The horse.” He pointed from behind me at the horse figurine that was on top of the shelf. It had joints so that it could move and it wasn’t completely stiff like the other wood ones I was looking at. Sadly, it was a bit steep in price. It would run me out of all the extra money I had allotted for dinner. 

“Hm, too bad it’s a bit expensive.” The toy maker seemed to jump on me as soon as I said that, holding the horse out for me to touch. For it’s price, it probably was sitting there for a long time. 

“I can give you a discount! Twenty percent off of the original price! Just in time for the year-end festival. All of the joints in this horse can move and even can support any matching soldier figure. The one you were previously looking at would fit perfectly!” I waved my hand at him and went back to looking at the soldiers. 

“No thank you, it’s still out of my price ra-” 

“I can buy it. How much is it? Do you want the soldier too?” I quickly turned back to look at Levi who had his wallet out and ready. I knew he was getting paid a bit more for his rank, but the Scouts were getting paid the least out of all the military. He didn’t even know Elias, so he shouldn’t have to buy something to pick up my burden. 

“No, no. It’s fine, I’ll just buy the soldier. It’s too much.” He raised his eyebrow at me and made sure I saw him hand over the money notes to the toy maker. It was him asserting dominance, making sure I knew he didn’t care. My mouth was wide when the toy maker handed him the box that the horse came in and he put in with everything else. 

“Miss, do you still want to buy the soldier?” I made sure to step right in front of Levi so he couldn’t dish out any more money than he’d already had. 

“Yes, please. I can just put it in the box with the horse.” The toy maker seemed to be very happy at the amount of money he just made and his shit-eating grin didn’t go away when we did. I don’t know what I was feeling, but I was a bit angry that he just went out and bought the gift. Not angry because _I_ wanted to get it for Elias, but angry because I know Levi doesn’t earn a lot of money in the first place. 

“I’m paying for lunch,” He shrugged and just went back into formation, “I’m going to pick where we go too. So deal with it.” No answer. Not even a grunt. It was annoying that this was the third or forth thing I’ve let him just do. Cleaning the café, coming to the capital, and then this. I didn’t think he’d be such a giving person like this even if he tried to cover it up. 

The tavern I chose was a bit crowded, but we chose to sit in the back away from everyone else. I sighed when I got to put the heavy bags down and stretch out my shoulders. Levi did the same, but more quietly than I did. When the waitress came over, I even ordered for us because he didn’t speak up at all. It was back to quiet, silent Levi. 

I sat there, tapping my finger on the wooden table, just staring at him in wait. He knew I was looking at him, but apparently the water they had brought over was much more entertaining. Just sipping away at it until he needed a refill. We were going to play this game all day because I wasn’t about to break. 

At this point, I was bored, so I reached into my bag to replace some of the peeling bandages on my fingers. He just watched me do that for what seemed like forever. It was agonizing waiting for him to say something and I knew that I’d probably be run into insanity by his silence before he would lose. He knew we were playing a game. Even while we ate, in complete silence, I couldn’t stop myself from glaring at him. His expression, or lack-of, stayed the same throughout. I think the waitress saw this and barely came back to our table. 

Soon, it came time to actually discuss important things like “When are we going back?” or “Do you need to sleep before we ride back to Trost?”, but I still was too stubborn to say anything. We could sit in this tavern the whole night for all I cared, I wasn’t losing. 

Then the check came. 

As soon as she put the piece of paper down, she ran away from the war zone. Both of our hands shot out to try and take it away from the other. Our hands landed on each other and mine was victoriously on the bottom, touching the check. I broke my glare for the first time to smirk up at him and rub it in. 

“ _Tch,_ ” He took his hand off and leaned back on the chair in his favorite position. With the smirk still on my face, I took out the money needed to pay for our silent lunch. That win definitely got me feeling better. 

“Why do you buy those two kids gifts?” He took another sip of water. Him breaking silence was acknowledging my win.

“Their father is part of that wall cult, so they don’t celebrate any holidays, and the mom drinks herself to near death every night. They’re good kids, too, so they deserve something nice. Sometimes they come and clean for me to get some free muffins.” He nodded and switched the leg that was crossed.

“What did you get the girl?”

“A dress and a book. She doesn’t have a lot of clothes and most of them are hand-me-downs from me. Their family was a friend of Mr. Flynn.”

“Your caretaker?” I realized that this was the first time we were actually talking about my past. Never during late night tea did we talk about things like this because it would ruin our game. I wondered what changed this time for him to feel comfortable talking about things like this. I was always ready to get to know and understand him, but it was the wall he built around us that didn’t allow me. The wall that kept everything he wanted out. 

“Yes, he took me in when I was twelve,” I looked out the window at the market again, “It was around here, too. Crazy to think it was so long ago.” 

“You got out earlier than I did.” I looked back at him and nodded, resting my head on my hand. It hasn’t been a long time for him at all. I’ve wanted to ask Levi for a long time about his time in the Underground, specifically to see if it aligns to anything I did or saw. Something I thought that it would be nice to see if we’ve met before, but I doubt that was the case. Most of the time I was locked up in a small room.

“There’s a place in the Royal Military Barracks for Scouts to stay when they visit Mitras. I have an office and a room there, so we can stay for the night. I’ll just have to sneak you in.” I nodded again. This would be fun, I’ve never been in a government building before. 

“Do you have an extra cape or something? I can wear that. We’re the same size.” He scoffed and almost slammed his cup on the table.

“We are not the same size. I am taller and much more muscular.” I raised an eyebrow and made the decision to tease him. He seemed to be really adamant about this issue of size.

“You’re only taller by a few centimeters. The first time I saw you that was what I thought. Short.” He glared at me, grey eyes cutting through my brown ones. 

“I can beat everyone’s ass in this tavern including yours.” I held my hands up and shrugged. This was going to be fun and perhaps it would win me another point.

“I think your attitude just compensates. You don’t want to hit me.” It was his turn to raise an eyebrow like I was wrong. 

“ _Compensates?_ ” I rested my head on my hand again, leaning in a bit closer. He did the same to try and assert his dominance, making sure he was looking down at me. 

“You act so tough because you’re so short. So you’re compensating.” His eyes were on fire now. It was like he was struggling to keep his composure and think about something witty enough to say back. Maybe I should add flustered to the list, I’d definitely win a lot of points.

“I can assure you, I don’t need to _compensate,_ ” he hissed out. It was time to go in for the kill shot. Lowering my voice, I leaned in further. 

“Oh, so not for your height or for your . .?” He stood up almost knocking the chair over behind him. The light coming in from the window told me that, even with his head lowered, I’d won another point. Blush. 

“I’m going to get the horses.” 

Shivering, I put on the extra cape that he had and handed him my warm, winter coat. He had insisted that we would be caught if I wore my cape over my coat because “that’s not what Scouts do”. It was payback for earlier and probably for making him walk around the capital for a few more hours with me while I relentlessly teased him. I couldn’t help it, it was just so easy to do it with him. You say one suggestive thing and he stutters or blushes. I guess he didn’t have time in the Underground for those types of things seeing how uncomfortable it made him. Captain Levi became a stuttering mess when talking about suggestive things. I scored one more blush point and I decided to add flustered to the game because that’s where I was making big money. 

“Can we please go inside?” My teeth started chattering and he was enjoying the pain I was going through. Touché, Captain.

“Sorry, this one box just won’t close. I don’t know how to get the soldier in.” I took one, calming breath and closed my eyes before taking it out of his hands and putting it in myself. He had just stood there for five minutes doing nothing. 

“There, now can we go?” He shrugged and started walking towards the side door of the building ever so slowly. I beat him to the door and reached to open in, but it was locked. As he evilly laughed, I groaned out loud. That laugh didn’t count for a point. 

“Why are you in such a rush? The snow looks beautiful in the moonlight.” I clenched my jaw and stuffed my hands in my armpits, waiting for him to get to the damn door. My groaning was only going to make him walk slower. 

He finally reached the door and pulled out a ring of keys. Thankfully, he didn’t try to play with me and try every single key he knew was wrong. He opened the door and I almost ran in before he grabbed me to hold me back. I protested out loud again, but he put me down and pulled the hood of the cape up, patting my head once. Looking up, I glared at him again, making sure he knew how annoyed I was at him. 

“Wearing my cape, you look like you’d make a good Scout.” If I wasn’t annoyed, it would have been a touching gesture. When we got all the way inside and I forced him to use the empty fireplace in his office, then I got to thinking about it again. Was that his twisted way of saying I looked good in his cape? If he was trying to play the same game I was this morning, he was going to have to get better at it. 

“Wearing my cape, you look like a good Scout.” I mimicked his deep voice as I put my hands up to the fire. 

“What was that, cadet?” Looking over my shoulder, I glared at him and he smirked. He had insisted that he had piles of paperwork to do and I knew he had dug in the back of his drawers to try and make it seem true. An office that you rarely come to and you have _piles of work_? He knew it was a bad lie. And cadet? He wouldn’t stop calling me that since I put on this cape. If I wasn’t so cold without it, I’d have taken it off by now.

“Nothing, _Captain._ ” I stuck my tongue out at him and turned back around to the fire. Whatever scary hold he had over his actual cadets wouldn’t work on me. He probably couldn’t punish me for defiance like he does to them. I’m under no military order to comply with him. 

“Do you want some tea? I only have regular black here though.”

“Uh, sure. I can make it.” I turned to stand up and he held up his hand.

“No, just get warm. I can’t have you complaining this whole time.” What a sick way of showing you care for people. I decided to disobey his order because I wasn’t a cadet and went to sit in the big chair facing his desk. It wasn’t that comfortable. 

“I don’t think anyone has come in and sat in that chair so nonchalantly as you.” His back was to me as he worked on making tea in the little built-in to the right of his desk. I could barely see him because his office was only illuminated by firelight. The moon was on the opposite side of the giant windows behind his desk, so it was just completely dark. There was also nothing on his desk or the walls to even give a tiny strip of light. The dark lord liked working in the dark. I wonder what his eyesight is like. 

“I’m pretty sure I’m one of the only civilians who’s ever come into this office. Does Commander Erwin come in here?” He nodded and turned around with two teacups. 

“You’re right, you are the first. Commander Erwin, Hange, Mike, disobedient cadets; those are usually who come in here.” I nodded like I knew who any of those other people were. 

“Is your office by Trost as big as this one?” It seemed like the piles of paperwork he needed to do magically disappeared as he leaned back in his big chair with his cup. 

“No, it’s probably half this size. The fireplace is also very small, just enough for heating the room. Then the bedroom is connected in that corner, the bathroom next to it. In here, the bedroom is across the hall. That’s where you will be sleeping.” 

“Where are you sleeping?” He pointed to the couch behind me that was touching the wall. It looked to be the same uncomfortable material as the chair I was sitting in. That wouldn’t be comfortable to sleep in. I turned back and frowned at him. 

“That’s got to be uncomfortable. You didn’t sleep yesterday, and now you’re not going to get any sleep on that.” I threw my legs over the arm of my chair and leaned back so my head was hanging off the other side. 

“You’re telling me that pose you’re doing isn’t either? And if I don’t sleep there, where else? The floor?” I didn’t know how he was going to react to my suggestion. We sleep five feet away from each other sometimes, so what’s the difference about, say, two feet in a bed? 

“With me.” He stopped drinking, but was definitely trying not to show any reaction to what I said. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with the suggestion, and it wasn’t like _that_ , but maybe my teasing this morning made his mind go to that. That was my fault. The look he was giving me right now had to be because of that. I’d have to tell him it wasn’t like that at all. 

“N-Not like that,” I gave a fake laugh and put my hands up, “I was just thinking that if you slept in an actual bed it would be better for you to get sleep. This chair is really uncomfortable so I can’t imagine what it’s like sleeping on that couch.” He cleared his throat and put down the cup. It looked like he composed himself. 

“I rarely sleep more than a few hours anyways. I’ve slept on that couch before, it’s fine, Eva.” I shook my head fast, trying to win on this. I felt bad I was taking it from him. 

“I’ll even face the other way the whole time if you’re uncomfortable. I didn’t think you’d be one of those people who feels un-” He looked annoyed.

“I saw you sleep on the grass before we came to Mitras. If anything, I’d get more sleep on that couch versus you thrashing around in bed.” My mouth dropped. Did he have to insult me all the time like this? 

“I don’t trash! It was the grass, I just wasn’t comfortable!” He smiled this time. No smirk. That was worth ten points. I smiled back at him and he instantly dropped it. Ugh. He looks so handsome when he smiles, why can’t he do it more. 

“I bet people wouldn’t say the stuff they do about you if you smiled like that more.” He went back to doing the fake paperwork. 

“What do they say about me?” I sat up straight again as the blood was rushing to my head. 

“Mean. Scary. Intimidating. You can finish the list. I don’t think it’s all true because I’m not scared of you and I’m, like, the nicest person I know.” I pointed to my chest and he rolled his eyes signing something. His signature was really intricate. I tried to mimic it in my palm. My signature wasn’t that pretty, it was annoying he was this perfect. 

“Well, I obviously am not acting myself around you then.” I switched my finger to point at him and he looked up to me again. 

“No, I think you _are_ acting like yourself around me.” He scoffed lightly and didn’t say anything in return. I made a noise to make fun of him and just rested my head in my hands staring at him so work. He was probably going to do that the whole night if I stayed here. 

“What time is it?” He quickly glanced at the clock on his desk, not stopping his writing. 

“Near eleven. You wanting to talk about your new recipe for croissants made dinner extend for more than a few hours.” I stuck my tongue out at him again, making sure his insult didn’t land. At least he was listening. 

“Why did you buy Elias the horse? Scouts dot earn a lot of money.” He tched me again. 

“I have more than enough money.” 

“Yeah, but why?” He was silent for a bit, finishing something he was writing. 

“You asked what I would’ve wanted at eight. I just wanted to give an eight year old what I didn’t have back then.” My heart swelled and all my anger about him buying it melted away. That’s so nice. He’s nice and he doesn’t even know it.

I stayed there for what felt like another hour, just saying a few sentences here and there. Some he answered, others he grunted, but to the most of them he didn’t say anything. He was really concentrating on the fake paperwork, it made me think it was actually real for a second. My staring finally ended when I yawned too long for my liking. Yeah, it was bedtime.

“Wake me up when you want to leave. I’m quick to get ready.” I stood and held my hand to say goodbye as I walked to the door. 

“Make sure there’s no one in the hallway when you go in. If I’m really as intimidating as you say, people are probably jumping to get dirt on me.” 

“I’ll make sure to have a conversation with the MPs on my way over.” I don’t know if that made him laugh because I walked out and right into his room. It was as bare as his office. Just one full sized bed, a window, a desk, and a tall set of drawers. It was cold too, with no fireplace or heater for warmth. Guess I freeze. 

I walked over to the dresser and looked for a shirt to wear that wasn’t thin like my own. He wouldn’t miss one of the same white long sleeves he has. I pulled one out and put it on. He had never worn these. They just smelled like laundry and that’s not what he smells like. 

“ _Ew_. How do I know what he smells like?” I shook my head and looked around again. His room was really empty. I wonder what the one outside of Trost looks like. He lives in that one regularly so it can’t be like this. I hoped it wasn’t like this or I might just have to do a remodel to make him mad. 

Laying down in bed, I finally had the moonlight on my face. This bed also hadn’t been slept in for a long time. Nothing looked lived in or smelled like him. Ugh. I got to stop saying that. I looked up at the wall trying to will myself to sleep knowing he was going to wake me up at an ungodly hour. 

Mint, lemon, and… what was the third one? I couldn’t figure it out since he only left traces, but there was a third one. Mint from tea, lemon from cleaning soap, and… what the hell what the third one? 

I turned over, pulling the covers under my arm. Wearing his shirt and thinking about what he smells like. Great, good one, Eva. I even offered him this bed, too. It’s a good thing I didn’t because we would be back to back right now… which wasn’t a bad thing now that I’m thinking about it. 

I tensed up and looked down at my stomach. Oh no, Eva. What did you get yourself into? Or, rather, how long did I know I was going to get myself in this situation and didn’t care?

_How… How do you know you like a boy?_


	6. Knight

“Elias, you need to put your hat over your ears or they’re going to freeze.” I pulled the little boy’s hat down more trying to convince him to keep it there.

“But I want to wear it like Jo Jo is,” he whined and pointed to the older boy standing next to him. Jonas was wearing a hat in a way that he said made his hair look good. He’d be better off just not wearing a hat if he didn’t care about his ears freezing. 

“ _Tch_.” 

“Did you just _tch_ me?” I stood up and tried to pull his hat down, too, but that was impossible because of our height difference. He stepped backwards and had to catch my wrist so I wouldn’t hit his face. 

“Elias, don’t be like Jonas. Everything he does is because he wants girls to stare at him.” June laughed, knowing the secret she had spilled to me months ago and so did Elias. Jonas just glared at me for a bit and straightened out his coat. Elias grabbed my hand and pulled me to the town square. The festival was in full swing and I made the two children wait for me to close the store before we could go. He didn’t even want to open his presents before we left. 

“Rules before we get there because I lied to your parents and told them you two were helping me and if I lose one of you it will be on my head. We use the buddy system. If you want to run off and do something, Elias, then you have to go with one of us.” He let go of my hand and grabbed Jonas’s. 

“I pick Jo Jo.” Jonas groaned at his nickname and knew that he wasn’t going to pick up any girls with a kid attached to his hip. I didn’t care since he’d be out at the bars tonight when we take the kids home. He said it was his goal to have a girl in bed every year-end so he could start the year off right. Disgusting. 

“You can stay with me then June.” She smiled up at me and we locked elbows, happy with how the straws were drawn. I knew she wouldn’t drag me along to every stall, but she could go to what she wanted since we liked the same things. That also means I wouldn’t have to spend my money on all the treats Elias wanted either. It was a great arrangement. 

Once we got to the town square, Elias dragged Jonas to a toy shop and June and I kept walking. We both wanted to get a warm drink before our hands fell off. This year-end was definitely one of the coldest I’ve experienced. 

“Eva, the Scouts are here too. Look, it’s the commander guy.” She pointed out Erwin who was talking to the head of the Trost Garrison in the center square. They were extra security for the influx of people coming in from Wall Maria. I really wanted to look around for Levi, but I knew he was going to be somewhere on the roof tops monitoring with his ODM gear.

“Isn’t that the boy you like, June?” I leaned down and pointed out a specific blonde haired boy who was with a few of his friends. They were at a game booth wasting their money to get a prize. She blushed when I pointed him out.

“Come on,” I pulled her over to the booth and had to work hard because she didn’t not want to go over at all. If anything, I wanted to help her, and I hope she knew that as I pulled out a few bills to play the game right next to them. She had a chance to talk to him that seemed organic. I was a perfect wingwoman. 

“If you get three balls in, you can get one of these small prizes.” He handed them to me and I knew instantly that I was going to lose. I had bad aim and I knew the bucket didn’t have circular openings. Still, my determination to get June to talk to that boy was at an all time high. I’d take my time with this game to make it look like I was actually concentrating on it. 

“June, hi!” I looked behind me and she had both hands behind her back, one toe drawing pictures in the dirt. 

“Hi, Finn.” He smiled which made me feel like I had succeeded. Maybe it’d eat a few more notes so that she can talk longer. 

I tossed the balls and completely missed two but hit the bucket on the last one. It didn’t go in, but at least there was a little hope. Damn, this game seems so simple, too. That may have added to the reasons I handed the man another bill. This time I’d have to throw it with more arc. 

“Oh! Better luck next time! Do you want to play again?” He held out his hand and I couldn’t resist the urge to pull another bill out of my pocket and did it over again. This time when I made one ball in I shouted and made the other boys with Finn turn. 

“Whoa! You actually got one in Miss!” I smirked down at them, accomplished. Getting pre-teen boys to compliment you was a feat and I was going to take it. 

“Do you want to play ag-” He came from the back of the booth and we locked eyes. He wasn’t wearing a coat like the Scouts on the ground and this was the first time I had seen him in his full gear. How does he look _so_ good with a hunk of metal attached to his sides?

Over the past week and a half, I had come to terms with my feelings for Levi like an adult should. Hours of pounding dough gets the annoyance of falling for someone like him out in no time. At first I was annoyed at myself because I knew that to get him to talk or even acknowledge any emotion was never going to happen. If he can’t tell me when he’s sad, how is he going to say he has feelings for me _if_ he even has them. For the time being, I was okay with being quiet about how I felt because I didn’t want to ruin his almost daily visits to the café. Even yesterday, while my heart was literally beating out of my chest, he helped me make sourdough loaves for hours. Watching him kneed dough with his sleeves up, a concentrated look on his face, and hair tied back just did something to a girl. 

So, even if I was being a big girl and dealing with my feelings, I was also nervous as hell to even let him know about it. A single slip and I have completely lost this game of pretend we had. If he knew, we couldn’t pretend anymore and I think that’s the whole reason he hangs around me in the first place. 

“I couldn’t stand watching you lose over and over again, so I came to win.” I raised an eyebrow and was secretly satisfied he was watching me from above.

“It may look simple, but it’s hard. I usually have a good aim.” A lie. He rolled his sleeves up again and the shirt that he was wearing was a copy of one I had stolen from his bedroom dresser. He had so many because it was his uniform, that made sense. What didn’t make sense was that fact that in these freezing temperatures he was only wearing a cape.

“Give me one try.” He held his hand out to me and I just stared at it.

“Wow, Captain Levi! Are you going to play?!” The kids, including June, had crowded around us which definitely fueled Levi’s desire to win. 

“Why are you holding your hand out? You have to pay to play.” I pointed to the vendor who was just staring at our interaction. 

“Do you think I carry money on me while I’m doing a mission? I’ll repay you by winning.” I rolled my eyes and found his determination in front of the kids cute, so I obliged and paid to get him three more balls. 

“Watch and learn, brats.” 

With the kids staring, and no doubt some Scouts above, he stood behind the line and ever so easily threw the balls in one right after the other. It made me annoyed that he did it so flawlessly, but we were talking about Levi. The kids cheered around him, which definitely made his ego inflate even more, and when he was handed the stuffed rabbit, he took one glance at it before giving it to me with one arm. 

“Repayment.” When the kids started asking him questions, he just walked away wordlessly and before he pressed whatever button it was to launch him back up on the buildings, I called out to him:

“When are you picking up the desserts?” He just turned his head around, not stopping his actions, and answered as he propelled off the ground.

“Nine.” He went flying through the air criss-crossing around buildings. He did look really cool doing that like it was nothing. I could see the blank look on his face as he advanced forward and finally found a roof to land on. I smiled at him, as if he could see me, and stuffed the rabbit under my arm. 

“Miss Eva, you know Captain Levi?!” It was Finn who was asking and I couldn’t disappoint my girl. 

“We’re friends. He comes to my café sometimes, so you might see him again. June knows when he comes, you can come with her.” They looked at June and she blushed at their stares. I looked up at Levi, but his back was turned to look at another half of the festival. Standing on that roof, he did give off Humanity’s Strongest vibes. 

“We’ll see you boys later. June and I want to get something to drink.” She put her arm in mine again, probably glad that her anxiety ridden interaction was over with Finn, and we walked off. 

“That was cool of Mister Captain Levi. He even won you the rabbit.” She pointed to it and I nodded. And I was keeping the damn thing if he ever asked for it back to be petty. 

“I’ll name it Levi, how ‘bout it?” She nodded in agreement and we met up with Jonas and a candy-filled, bouncing Elias. 

The festival went on like that, us as a group and then using the buddy system. We played a few more games and Jonas won Elias a spinning top. June had gotten a mug with her warm cider and gushed to Jonas all about how Mister Captain Levi had come down from the skies to win the game for me. She even pointed out Levi, the rabbit, which got Jonas fuming. He claimed that if he was there, he’d win the game easily too. Elias had to remind him it took seven tries to get the spinning top and that sent the boy running back to the café, a lollipop in his mouth. At least he’d be tired out for his parents.

“Now, you three, here are your gifts. June, Elias, and Jonas. Open up.” I made sure mine was last to open. Elias and June came together and made Jonas and I both homemade snow globes with our initials in them. Jonas had gotten me a new recipe book and the kids both books, to which Elias had to really work to fake his happiness about it. It was a good laugh for Jonas and I as we asked him question after question about him liking the book. However, I was happy with myself knowing I took first place over Jonas, because last year I had lost to a red ball. 

“Oh, thank you Miss Eva! It’s so pretty!” She held up the dress to her body and spun around. Jonas was the next to react when he saw the hair gel I had gotten him to pull off those ridiculous hairstyles he liked so much. Lastly, I looked over to Elias who was staring down with large eyes at his toy. He was the reaction I was anticipating the most. I had to tell Levi if he made the eight-year-old’s dream come true. 

“June, look!” He held up the horse, his eyes still wide. While she had no interest in toys, she still admired it. 

“That’s really cool, Elias.” He held up the soldier next, his arm stretched as high as it went. 

“And there’s a matching Scout, too!” Jonas and I both looked at each other confused, knowing there was nothing on that soldier to indicate it was a Scout or even in the Royal Military. It had to be because the only soldiers he constantly sees on horses are the Scouts. To me, it wasn’t that bad that his new favorite toy was turning into a Scout. Maybe I should tell him a Scout bought it for him, too. 

“Miss Eva, I like it so so so so so sooooooooooooooooooooo much!” He put the box on the floor and ran over to hug my leg that was dangling off the counter. My heart filled and I patted his head, leaning down with one arm to hug him. Levi would like his reaction, especially the Scout part. I think Jonas was a bit annoyed at Elias’s playing, so he looked at the clock and announced it was time for the kids to go home. I had to stay here to hand out late orders, so I ushered them out. 

“I’ll see you all tomorrow! Don’t stay up all night reading, Elias!” He stuck his tongue out at me and I did it back. Both kids walked ahead of Jonas who stayed back at the door. 

“Thank you for your gift, Ev.” I smiled back. 

“You, too, Jonas. You’ll be the first one to try out something I make from the recipe book.” 

“Can I suggest the cinnamon rolls?” I nodded and insured him I’d make them for him on Monday. He still stood there watching the kids walk their way down the street. He wasn’t going to..? 

“Is there anything going on with you and Levi?” I almost choked on the air. Gods, I _wish_. 

“No, Jonas. He just comes in for tea after an expedition.” That didn’t satisfy him. 

“And takes you to the capital, and helps you make bread, and wins a game for you at the festival.” He sounded like a child having a temper tantrum. 

“There’s nothing going on between us, Jonas. We’re just budding friends and I make things for the Scouts from time to time.” He narrowed his eyes and pointed to the box on my counter. This astounding common sense was getting annoying. 

“Then who’s that gift for?” I had to come up with some lie quickly. If I told him it was for Levi, he’d never leave. 

“The candy shop owner. He gives out so much free candy to those two on my request, I felt I needed to get him something.” He lowered his gaze and kicked a rock. 

“I’d never think you’d lie to me like that, Ev.” My heart caught in my throat. That made me feel like shit. Especially since Levi was probably going to propel down from one of these buildings in a few minutes. 

“The kids are going to get home before you can get to them. You should go.” He looked up at me and gave me one of the most heart wrenching looks. Ouch. 

“I still like you… from that one time I told you when we were drunk. That wasn’t a lie. I’ll believe you for now… but I don’t think you’re telling the truth.” I was telling him the truth though. I left some things out, but there wasn’t anything between Levi and I. Did it frustrate me that there wasn’t anything? Yes. But I still wasn’t lying to Jonas. And now this unwarranted confession was making things worse. If Levi wasn’t here, Jonas wouldn’t have said anything and it wouldn’t be awkward between us now. I could live with knowing it from June, but now that he told me, it changed everything. I didn’t want that. 

“I hope nothing changes, Jonas. I like babysitting the kids with you and talking to you when you come in to deliver things. Even if we do stay friends in the long run, I-” He shoved his hands in his pockets and looked up at the kids who had stopped walking when they noticed he never started. 

“Friends friends or _Levi_ friends?” This time I glared at him a bit, but he wasn’t looking at me. I knew if he stayed any longer, we’d get in a fight, and he’d get more disappointed if Levi decided to drop in in the middle of it. It was better to send him off now and fix it later. 

“Goodnight Jonas. Happy year-end.” He just nodded once and took off after the kids. No goodnight, no year-end joke. I hoped I didn’t have to wake up to someone dragging him to my café drunk like last year. 

Oh. 

When he was drunk last year. That’s when he told me. He was making a tradition of it. He had just thrown up on the sidewalk when the people carrying couldn’t put him through the door and I was wiping the sweat off his forehead. 

I closed the door, making sure it wasn’t locked, and went to sit back on the front countertop. Swinging my legs, I replayed the conversation in my head. 

_“Ev, you’re so good to me,” he slurred._

_“Well, Jonas, you’re drunk on my doorstep. I can’t just leave you here.” He smiled and looked like he was going to throw up again. I backed up, but kept the wet rag on his forehead._

_“When you’re done throwing up, you can come upstairs and I’ll give you some water.” He burped and I grimaced. Wasn’t he supposed to be having sex at his house with some random bar girl? Why was he so drunk and here?_

_“I’ll like that. Your couch is comfy.” I laughed a bit._

_“Why are you so drunk? I thought you had a tradition of taking someone home.” He shook his head really fast, which was a horrible decision, and held it in both of his hands to try and stop the dizziness._

_“I don’t want to bring anyone home but you,” He pointed to me and I gave him a confused look. He smelled so much of alcohol._

_“I come to your house sometimes to pick up orders, Jonas.”_

_“No, no, no, no, no. Like. I want you to come so I can kiss you.” He turned over his left shoulder and threw up again. I patted his back and just nodded. Very, very drunk._

“Can I get my pastries or do I need to wait for you to stop daydreaming?” I jumped and looked at the uniform clad man in front of me. He didn’t even knock. 

“Oh, sorry. They’re cooling right now. I baked them in the last hour.” I also timed it just right so that he’d have to stay a few minutes and open his present, but he didn’t need to know that. I just sat there and drank in his uniformed look. It was _much_ better than his usual black slacks. 

“Is that the cape I wore?” He grabbed a chair and sat down right in front of me, back of the chair leaning on the table. He assumed his lounging position. 

“Yes, you also left it crumpled on the floor. Don’t think I didn’t notice you stole one of my shirts, too. I woke you up, didn’t I?” He rather rudely ripped the covers off of me and kicked the bedpost three times, yes I do recall. It really ruined the ruse of the dream I had of him that night.

“Do you want it back? I’m sure the other fifteen are missing it.” He squinted his eyes.

“I’ll have you know if anyone finds out a civilian has my issued military gear with them, I’d get in trouble.” Oh, so we weren’t pretending right now. 

“The military counts your clothes?” He sighed and switched his lounging leg. I looked to the side at the medium sized box wrapped in red fabric. I guess it was now or never. 

“I have your gift,” I picked up the box and hopped off the counter. He stared at it for a few seconds before taking it and just sitting it on his lap. Was he not… ?Does he not know… ?

“Open it,” I waved my hand at the gift and he hesitated. 

“I want to give you my gift first.” That really set the butterflies off in my stomach. The stoic, mean, scary Captain Levi actually got me a gift like he said and it wasn’t a lie to go to the capital with me? I was buzzing with warmth. I closed my eyes and held my hands out. 

“What are you doing?” I could tell he didn’t move. Does he really not know how gifting works? 

“My gift, Captain.” I wriggled my fingers.

“Oh, yeah.” This time he moved and I felt him place a circle in my hands. It felt similar to the shape of Jonas’s hair gel. He didn’t get me hair gel, did he? I felt it with my eyes closed again, taking a good guess. 

“Is it… candies?” He groaned like this was taking too long.

“Just open your eyes, I don’t have all night.” I opened them and looked down at the jar in my hands. It was quite thoughtful of him and a very practical gift. It made my heart sing and I couldn’t hide my smile. 

“S-some… Scout, he, um, he recommended it after I asked how to get rid of dry skin. They said this was the only thing that worked for them. A-And I know you’ve been looking for something… So…” I opened it right away and put it on my hands. Wow, this felt really smooth and it smelled like roses, “D-Do… you like it?” That statement made his voice raise up a bit. He didn’t want me to know that he definitely wanted to feel good about his gift. 

“I love it, thank you, Levi. If it really does get rid of the cracks in my skin, you’ll have to thank that Scout too. Now open yours!” I waved my hands again, rushing him as I stood in front of him. He slowly undid the tie that held the fabric on the wooden box and it was almost like he was looking at a bomb when he went to open it. Slow and controlled. Did he think I would buy him something that popped out at him? 

When he opened it all the way, he just stared. This made my smile drop. Great. Who was I to expect a big reaction out of this man? He could be screaming in his head right now and I would never know. 

He picked it up out of the box and ran his hand along the simple blue design. When he looked up at me, there was just a little shred of emotion in his eyes, I’m sure I saw it. Something that wasn’t indifference. It just wasn’t there long enough for me to get a real good look at it. I just wanted him to say something so I didn’t have to prompt him into a lie. He took out the cup next and did the same thing, inspecting the design and the porcelain. 

“How much did you pay for this?” Well, that was an annoying first reaction. No “thanks, Eva” or anything. 

“It doesn’t matter. I saw it and thought about you. You probably have a lot of tea kettles and cups at HQ, but I guess if you ever get peppermint tea you can use-” 

“I… I like it. I like it a lot actually. I only have one set at the HQ and it’s from the Underground. This one is… much better.” That was good enough for me. It brought my smile back and I clasped my hands together. I think I was more excited than he was about the gift. 

I clapped my hands and he looked up at me again. There it was that same shred of some type of Levi emotion that I couldn’t put my finger on. 

“Well, I think the desserts are cool if you want to take them.” I turned around to go and put the Scout’s treats in a nice paper box but he grabbed my wrist. I swear I made a noise out loud which was me reacting to Levi touching me for one of the first times. Damn, _how_ did I hide this a few months ago? And if he came up to my apartment later, how was I going to handle that? In all of his visits the past week, he always had to get back to HQ, but I knew that after his security detail wasn’t needed, he would come to the café and stay one night. What was I going to do then?

“Can you make me tea?” I slowly looked up from his grasp on my wrist and smiled at him. 

“What about your party?” It’s not that I _wanted_ him to leave, it’s just if he kept looking at me with those eyes I was in trouble. 

“They can wait. Dessert isn’t till they’ve all drank themselves to death.” He’s a hard bargainer, I guess he has to stay for at least a cup. 

“Okay,” I took the tea set from him and set it up on the stove. I pulled out a cup for myself too as the set only had one. He didn’t say anything as I made the peppermint tea, he just watched me from his chair. The stare this time was almost overwhelming. I had just given him a gift, he liked it, and he asked me to make tea with it. There also had to be something said for him not caring enough about the officer party to stay here. I most definitely kept my back to him so he couldn’t see the harsh red that painted my face. It didn’t help that I could feel his stare from behind me. 

“Do you not drink much?” I broke to silence because I was going to go crazy or have a heart attack. He shifted behind me. 

“I drink, just not with people I don’t like. The Garrison Officers are also attending.” I nodded and noted the one Captain who comes to my café on his morning shifts. I wouldn’t want to drink with them too.

“I don’t blame you. They come in here sometimes. Loud.” He hummed in agreement and I just watched the tea brew. It felt like these minutes were taking hours. 

“Why do you ask? You want to drink with me?” I finally turned around and put my hands up; the same way I did when we had the bed misunderstanding. 

“I didn’t mean it like that. I was just asking that’s all. I-I mean I’m not against it, if you’re asking just in general. I drink too. Not a lot because I’m working, but I can if I want to, yeah.” I turned back around and cursed at myself. Great at hiding that. Now Levi was gaining points in my game. 

“Sure, I’ll drink with you sometime. I can probably drink you under the table.” Man, everything had to be a contest. Such a competitive boy. I finally gained composure to turn around and join him and the table with the tea. Thank gods I closed the front windows. 

“I don’t know. I can outdrink Jonas on a good day.” He rolled his eyes and took his first sip out of the new cup. It looked like it fit his weird grip well. 

“I’m sure anyone can outdrink that idiot.”

“You don’t even know him and you’re calling him an idiot. In fact, he has great common sense.” He smirked and took another sip, probably to stifle some insult he had lined up. 

“Usually when they say you have common sense, they mean you’re an idiot.” Nope, it was not stifled. It was just simmering. I couldn’t disagree with that statement. 

“Did you enjoy the festival?” He shrugged and switched legs again. 

“I was having an okay time watching from above when I saw this one girl losing terribly. I had to go save her from that fate.” Levi, the bunny, was still sitting on the counter too. 

“What a damsel in distress! I’m sure she’s glad you saved her from the judgement of prepubescent boys. You even got them wanting to come to the café.” He tched again. 

“Why were you with them anyways? The girl looked uncomfortable.” I set my cup down on the table and rested my elbow on the table. 

“That girl’s name is June and she likes one of the boys in that group. I was just teasing her. You helped her cause too because I told the boys to ask her when you came to my café. You might have them at your ankles the next time you come.” He groaned and put his cup down too. It was still half full, which meant he wasn’t leaving yet.

“So you get a stuffed animal and I get a bunch of brats at my neck. That’s how the damsel in distress thanks her knight.” Maybe he didn’t mean it, but when he said _her_ knight, as in possessive, I read into it a bit too much. I’m sure he meant nothing by it. 

“Well I gave you the tea set so it evens out.” He shook his head, tapping the table. 

“No, you got the tea set _before_ you even knew about this game. You can’t opt out.”

“Hey, hey, hey who paid for you to even play that game to begin with? Me.” He shook his head again, adamant about his equal exchange. 

“Exactly. You paid, I gave the rodent. You gave those brats my location, I’ve gotten nothing in return.” It was my turn to tch him as I leaned more forward, head resting in my hands. He did the same, but just one elbow and he wasn’t sitting crisscrossed. 

“They aren’t brats, they’re kids.” 

“Same thing.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Arguing with him was so fun to do. It was a weird thing to like, but it was fun. It wasn’t arguing, but bickering. Maybe it would seem annoying to the people around us, but trying to prove Levi wrong, the person who thinks he’s always right, was a feat I was happy to take on.

“Are you falling asleep on me?” I shook my head, eyes still closed. 

“Just thinking.”

“About what?” You.

I took another deep breath trying to silence my heart. My eyes snapped open.

“Cedar.” That was the third one. Mint tea, lemon soap, and cedar. I had gotten close enough to him to figure it out. It had to be the countless ODM trainings in the trees.

“You’re thinking about trees?” It was the way his breath hit my face that I knew he was close. I didn’t want to look over and lock eyes with him because I knew if I did the heart that I worked so hard to silence would start up again. No, Levi, I’m thinking about you, but I just can’t come out and tell you that.

“Yeah.” He huffed, air again hitting my face, and I just stayed looking at the tea set. This time, I was even nervous to look at him. Not a lot of things flew past Levi, so if he saw how I reacted to our closeness he would think something was up. I wasn’t ready to give this up yet… or was I? 

I mean I said that I sorted out my feelings. And if I was going to not act like a schoolgirl, like I had promised myself, then I could look at him and not get starstruck or anything. What was any different from a few months ago to now? He’s been in my house multiple times and I’ve slept a few feet away. What was the point of being meek about it? Yeah, I was going to do it.

When I looked at him, he had his eyes closed. Damn, there goes that pep talk. It was like he was sleeping. Peaceful. No harsh lines. Everything was calm and serene for him. He looked so handsome just sitting here like that. The moonlight casting down on his face from the side window didn’t help my feelings. Nor did the fact that he was staying here with me and not with the officers. Or the fact that he had swoop down and been my knight at the festival… This man was trying to kill me. 

I leaned in. Apparently, we had lost all self control in those few moments looking at him, but, come on, how was I supposed to control myself when he was looking like that? I didn’t know what I was even doing kissing him like that because I knew he wouldn’t react any other way than he did. I set myself up for failure.

His lips were soft and tasted like tea and I only got to kiss them for maybe two or three seconds before he realized what was going on. He didn’t kiss back and I think he just opened his eyes, studied the situation, and sat back when he realized. I didn’t look up at him after. I just closed my eyes and positioned my head to the ground. Him pulling away like that was telling enough. I’d lost and ruined the game we were playing. There was no way to pretend now and Levi only wanted to pretend. Nevermind my racing heart. 

“D-Do, um, do you have the, um, what are they called? The pastries? For the party?” His voice was low and I swore at myself that I didn’t just give them to him before and let him go. He was the one who asked for tea. 

“Yeah.” It was breathy and I didn’t look at him when I stood up and went to put the turnovers in the paper box. I even labeled it _To the Officers of the Scouts._ Now I felt so stupid in doing that. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. 

I shouldn’t have kissed him. 

I handed it to him and he didn’t say anything. The door closed, signaling that he was gone. I let out a long groan and sank down behind the counter hoping I could hide from everything. The chairs and the tables saw it. They were laughing at me. I really thought I could kiss Captain Levi and get away with it. The man who doesn’t even know what emotions were was going to sort them out in time to kiss me back? No.

I guess it was six months. That’s how long it took till the Captain didn’t come back.


	7. Calculating

_845_

“So… um, it’s the Spring Equinox and all. We usually do something. You know, you, me, some friends; like we always do. Are you… are you going to come this year?” I turned to Jonas who was leaning on a box of flour. How could he so easily forget moments like that? He confessed to me and then the next day seemed to completely forget. Months later when it seemed he had an in, he didn’t even go for it. Talk about being uncompetitive. 

“Will there be as much drinking as there was last year?” It was monotone and I glanced over to the corner spot. Garrison. Last year, the girl Jonas was interested in and I had to drag back him and his three friends from outside Wall Sina and they slept on the floor of the bakery while I offered her my couch. During the process of wrestling them inside, Jonas had somehow stripped naked and his friends were trying to follow suit. I try to keep that memory suppressed.

“Probably yeah. You know the spring wine is the best… but you’re still kinda sic-” I nodded and help up my hand to stop his excuses.

“You’ll probably have to drag _me_ home this year. I’m in.” He smiled, but it was bittersweet, knowing I wasn’t going to hang out with everyone and socialize. I’d probably just sit under a tree and drink my sorrows away.

“Eva, you-” The sounds of horses outside broke him from his sentence. Some people went out and others just turned back to their food. The Scouts were slowly dwindling in number as they were waiting for the new recruits to come in from training. No one was enthused that they were coming in and out and those who would go and watch them come back were sadists. I turned my back and went to busy myself with some invisible work at the back table.

“You know, if he did something to you to-” I grasped the table. He says this almost every time they march outside of my café. 

“If _who_ did something, Jonas?” He felt the venom in my tone and decided not to push forward. I coughed for what felt like the hundredth time and it broke the tension.

“So, uh, next week. I’ll come to get you when we leave. Should be after five. We’ll all get dinner and take it out.” He took the money off the counter and went out of the store, probably to go glare at the Scouts who were walking by. 

If he didn’t come this Saturday that marks three months. It also marks the point where I get the message and I’ll forget about him all together. I had forgiven him the first month. He didn’t know how to deal with emotions so he needed some time and maybe needed to kill some titans. The second month came, and an extended break for weather conditions, but yet he didn’t come anywhere near Trost. I even went through one cold and caught another one just waiting for his ass. I wanted him to reject me already so I wasn’t getting let down on the daily.

Here comes my surprise when Saturday one rolls around, I’m still coughing and sneezing, and he’s nowhere to be seen. Even the old ladies stopped coming. I guess they were more wiser on when to give up. 

Damn. That was something I never thought I’d hear myself say. Giving up hope. Even he said that he’s afraid I’d give up hope because of him. Well, here we seem to be. 

I shouldn’t let a shorty who doesn’t know how to process emotion take away my hope.

The bells rang above the door and two nightshift Garrison members walked in. My least favorite people, always coming 30 minutes before closing asking me to serve them fresh coffee to keep them awake. They never failed to make my mood worse and this oncoming headache wasn’t going to go away with their shouts. Last month, I had to kick out a few of them because they were talking so nastily about the Scouts. I couldn’t bear it and neither could my head. I still had hope in the Scouts as a whole, especially hearing they were getting new recruits, and one person wasn’t going to ruin that. Hopefully, the fresh meat would propel them like it did last year. Hm, maybe fresh meat was not a good way to describe the cadets.

The bell above the door rang again and I looked up to be face to face with the Wings of Freedom. At least one Scout was using their day off, a tall one at that. A contrast to shorty. She had rectangular glasses strapped to her face and auburn hair in a ponytail. She came in smiling crazily too. A _big_ contrast. 

“Are you Eva with the peppermint tea?” I had to do a double take and even blinked a few times before answering her. I sneezed again before answering.

“Um, yes. I think that would be me. Who’s asking?” She sharply reached out her hand and I shook it. Ouch, she had a hard grip.

“I’m Hange Zoë, a squad leader for the Scouts Regiment. I’m here to escort you to the Scout HQ. Do you have the peppermint tea?” I blinked again, not moving. She wanted to take me where? The last place I wanted to go, that’s where. 

“Am… Am I in trouble?” She laughed out loud, not caring if anyone looked at her. Yeah, she really wasn’t at all like the Scouts I meet on a daily basis. 

“No, no. Not at all. In fact, I almost have no idea why I’m taking you there. Well, a little bit more of an idea than you have. Personally,” she leaned in and whispered behind her hand, “I’ve been wanting to talk to you since I saw you at the festival, but shorty wouldn’t crack.” It wasn’t a whisper and I’m sure if anyone was at the first few tables, they would have heard it. 

“A-and if I don’t come with you?” She shrugged and crossed her arms.

“I’ll drug you and drag you myself.” I stepped back from the counter and she roared with laughter, “I’m kidding! I’m kidding! Do I look like someone who would do that? Well, maybe… but If you don’t come, I’ll have to deal with an even more upset Captain and I don’t want to do that!” Captain? He ordered her here? 

“Did the Captain send you to get me?” She pushed her glasses up and leaned one arm on the counter. 

“I guess I should’ve led with that. Levi said, ‘Eva with the peppermint tea,’” she imitated his voice and facial expression, “I had to go to three coffee shops in Trost to find an Eva. Two streets down is a Freud and about a half mile behind you in a cute old couple. I didn’t think the Captain would want them that badly. So when I walked in and remembered seeing Captain talk to you at the festival, I knew I hit the jackpot.” She snapped at the end making a point to her adventure to find me. The Garrison members were now staring at her, too. They probably knew about her better than I did.

“Why does he want me to come to HQ?” She shrugged again, but this time without a death threat after. 

“I don’t know, but shorty is very adamant about it. I told him I was busy for a whole month, thinking it was a fever dream, but that made him even madder. Anyways, I was hoping you’d come and bring the tea and a…” she looked down at ink on her hand, “ a tea set. Captain Levi broke his on the first day of the year. How unlucky is that?” He was adamant that I come? That’s stupid. How adamant can he be when he’s had three months to do it. He probably just wanted to make it easy for someone to drag me away from him when he rejected me. Either way, I was intrigued. 

The Garrison members groaned when I shoved them out the door to lock up a few minutes early. 

I shouldn’t have gone really, but I had no excuse. Maybe I just wanted him to reject me like I said and then have a sad ride back to the café. However, Hange coming in and saying all those things made me much more concerned about his mental wellbeing than what he was going to say to crush me. And if he was making me come all the way there, was he going to give me bad news? I don’t think he’d be that mean, but I have never faced the real Captain Levi before.

Hange had given me another cape, and some tissues for my nose, saying that it would be easy to have me come in unnoticed because the new cadets had just showed up. She just hoped I didn’t get caught sneaking around by Erwin and thrown into combat training. This woman was saying stuff that was making me scared the whole ride there. I was on a horse too, so that made my anxiety worse. 

The Scout HQ was a huge ass castle and I didn’t think it would look at all like this. The barracks in the capital were just a big square building with some pillars. This place was gigantic. Hange made it a point to name every section of the castle so I somehow knew right away where I was going. I was going to the Officer’s Wings.

“It’s a shame though. We’re leaving this place soon for a new one the government issued. It’s not as nice, but it’s smaller because they don’t think we need such a big place… Well, it’s true, but… they didn’t have to say it like _that_ , you know! I’ll have to move my whole lab!”

The hallways were also tall on the inside. It was an actual abandoned castle. I wondered who had lived in here before the government got ahold of it. She even stopped by to show me the throne room that they had converted into the mess hall. It’s like I was on a field trip, but at the end of it was the school leader’s office. Why was I being summoned by him? Was he not good enough to come to the _civilian’s_ café anymore? Annoying prick. 

“Here is Captain Levi’s quarters. We just transferred him back today, but he’s still a bit sore from not moving around much. I hope that once he gets his peppermint tea that he’s moaning about, he won’t be so rude to everyone anymore.” I balanced the tea set and bag of tea in my hands as she opened the door for me. 

“Transferred?” She waved her hand like it was nothing as shut the door on me. It was like she threw me into the wolves. _She_ didn’t even want to be. I didn’t know she was just going to leave me like that because my nerves just skyrocketed. 

His office was like he described. Half the size of the capital, but still with big windows in the back. This time, they were turned to the way of the sun. There was a single, full bookshelf against the wall on the left with another chair in front. This time the chair didn’t seem as uncomfortable as the ones in the capital. He wasn’t sitting at his desk where I thought he’d be. As soon as I saw the crack in the door and dim light peaking through, I knew he was in his bedroom. Why? 

We just transferred him back today. Well where had he been? 

I decided to sneak up to the little cut out in the wall which held a singular hot plate. If I could make tea, I could prolong the time I didn’t have to talk to him. Why did I even come here in the first place? It’s not like I like this guy anymore or would bend over at his will. Just a rejection, yeah, that’s what I came for. 

Taking a single, short step, I tested the floors, hoping they didn’t squeak. Once I was in the clear, I slowly started to tiptoe towards the opening. If I went fast near his door, he wouldn’t even see it. 

_Achoo!_

I held the tea set, but it rattled mercilessly in the box. Oh fu-

“Hange?!” Oh, yeah, he was definitely in the bedroom. Now, I’d just stand here with my eyes closed and hope I didn’t look too bad when he opened the door.

Who am I kidding, I literally hopped on a horse to get here on a whim. I’m bending so far over for this man it’s ridiculous. 

“Hange, I told you it was the sixth café down off of the turn we make on the main drag. It’s hard to,” there was a wheeze, “h-hard to miss.” I stood there for a while, but he didn’t come out or open the door. In fact, there was no movement coming from his room at all. 

“Hello?!” It was harsh and was followed by another sharp intake of air. It dawned on me then. Transferred. Was he injured?! 

“Um, hello?” I finally answered and looked again to see if he would open the door now. Still no movement and now no answer. Maybe Hange messed up and he didn’t want me he-

“Did you bring the tea?” I was not expecting that. His voice was instantly softer than before and after months of not hearing it, it made me melt.

“Oh, um, uh, yes, yes I did. And the set, and the set.” I coughed into my arm, masking my cold. If he knew I was sick, he might send me back just because of germs. 

“C-come in. M-My room. I already have hot water…” Come in? To his room? His bedroom? Where he’s laying? He hasn’t even come into my bedroom before.

“Um, are you sure you want me in there?” There was a loud groan, probably so I could hear his annoyance too.

“Just get in here, brat.” There was something about him calling me that that made me annoyed and walk slowly into his room. Was it the urge to bicker again?

I opened the door and peaked in, instantly locking eyes with him. I screamed at my heart because just like the first day, it started beating fast again. Shut up. He’s going to reject you then you’re going to go back home and put the tarts in the oven to prebake. 

He looked pitiful. There were bandages wrapped all the way around his torso and he was shirtless, but it didn’t look like it. His head had one bandage around it too, but that one seemed pretty useless. More of a headband if anything. It had also been a while since he’s bathed, marked by the incomplete stubble scattered around his mouth and chin. He just laid there, blanket up to his waistband, staring at me. What had happened and for how long was he like this? 

My anger and inhibition to come inside subsided and I set the tea set down on the floor. There was no chair for me to sit on, so I just stood. We stared at each other for what seemed like eternity, my heart still beating out of my chest. He was the first one to break the silence.

“C-Can you make me tea?” It almost came out like a whine coupled with his lack of breath. I crouched down and took the tea set out, looking at the makeshift water kettle he had on his nightside table. This bedroom was so small; there was no room for a desk. His bed was up against the wall only leaving a few feet towards the door and enough room for a dresser and walking space at his feet. No windows. 

“You can,” he caught his breath and was silence for a few moments before continuing, “You can sit here, Eva.” He tapped the space next to him on his bed. I was hesitant at first, but the way he said Eva made me almost forget all his wrong doings. How badly did I want to see him again that I was acting like _this?_ So weak for a single man. I sat down on the bed, back to him, trying to ignore his heated stare.

It was the same feeling the night I kissed him. I made him tea, he stared at me from behind, but I couldn’t get close to him this time. That was going to be the difference. I wouldn’t let myself have such a weak will like last time. Go in, make the tea, get out. 

“What did you do?” _Goddamnit_ Eva. You weren’t supposed to make conversation like this. 

“A newer cadet ran into me while I was trying to finish off an abnormal titan. The titan got a hold of me and squeezed pretty hard before I cut it’s fingers off. The cadet gave me the concussion, and the titan fractured most of my ribs. This was the beginning of February.” Of course he gave me a date. If I went back to that time, I said I was going to let it slide, too. I had given him January off and if he got hurt in February that means even if he wanted to come to the café, maybe he couldn’t… No, Eva, if he wanted to he’d send Hange earlier. 

_I told him I was busy for a whole month, thinking it was a fever dream._

“Oh,” I went back to work, taking out the set he left when he stormed out of the café and the new peppermint tea he has yet to drink. No one but him comes in to drink mint tea. Usually it’s just green or black, so the stock I buy is just for him. Imagine me staring at the tea leaves sitting under the counter for hours next to the tea set box willing him to walk into the café. If he wasn’t going to come back, maybe I should just give it to him so he doesn’t force me here again. 

“I’m almost healed completely. There’s just one rib that’s bothering me enough to not be able to go back in the field.” It was interesting to hear him talk so much, even when injured. Our roles had reversed. Maybe he felt pressured to talk more than usual. I hope guilt was pushing him.

“That’s good.” I just sat there, watching the tea leaves swirl in the water, and hoping I’d had enough strength to turn back away from him when I gave him his cup. 

“What have you been d-doing?”

“The usual.” I picked at my skirt, noticing it was the one I’d worn the last time I’d seen him. When only owning about five, there were heavy odds that would happen. Sadly, this meant the odds were stacked against me. I only won a few bits of luck back when I was, in fact, able to turn back around when I gave him his tea. I didn’t even look in his eyes either.

“Can you help me into the bathroom?” He set the empty tea cup down next to me, making it so I didn’t have to turn around to put it on his nightstand. If I helped him, I’d have to look at him though. This was apart of some plan.

“I could get Hang-” He grabbed my wrist with a bit of force and used his strength to turn me. I also fell on top of him with how hard he whipped me around. This was the first time he had put his hands on me like that. 

“Why can’t you even look at me?!” I was breathing hard, but still looking at the blankets on the bed. His hand was bandaged too. We’d traded places in that aspect. I wasn’t going to tell him, but the balm he gave me helped. HE didn’t deserve that information when he was acting like this. 

I stood up, taking my knees off the bed, and pulled the blanket off of him. I made sure to fold this so he had nothing to yell at me about again. He got himself parallel to me and needed help to sit up. The was probably going to be the most painful part. You were helping someone who was in pain, there was nothing else to it. I was being a nurse to him since no one else was around to do so.

Reaching for his back, I carefully helped lift him up to a seated position. The amount of curse words that came out of his mouth made my heart squeeze at the pain I was putting him through. It was just pity; you were sad for the man who was hurt. That’s it. I shifted my position to sitting next to him and silently gasped when he put his arm around me and grabbed my opposite shoulder. Minus the time I had kissed him, this was the closest we’d ever been. My mind couldn’t help but take a delight in that. 

When we stood, there were a lot less curse words, but they were still there. My gaze was directed at the floor as we walked out and directly to the right into the small bathroom. They really paid no expense to give the Scouts nothing. This was an officer’s quarters too, which meant that he had one of the best lodgings. I bet it was bunk beds and communal showers outside of this wing. 

I let go of him and got behind him near the door. I had no idea what he was going to do here, but I knew I’d leave as soon as he started. Would I leave completely now that I’d given him tea? It seemed rude to someone who was in his state. What if he falls or hurts himself again? This wing was so far removed from the others. My weak will triumphs again. 

“Can you take off the bandages? There’s scissors on the sink.” How much was he going to torture me before I leave? He’s hurt, just do it, Eva.

I picked up the scissors and walked over to his back, trying to be gentle so I didn’t cut the skin off of him. I put one hand on his upper back and worked from the bottom-up, cutting away at the thick, white bandages holding his ribs in place. 

The speed of our breathing matched when I touched his bare skin. Was he breathing hard because of the decreased pressure? I raised one eyebrow, maybe taking that as a selfish clue, and took away the last bandage. They fell on the floor and allowed me to take in his shirtless back. There were bruises that were healing and a few minor cuts, but most importantly it seemed to be all lean, muscle. He wouldn’t care or notice if I was staring, so I took it as payback. Sweet, muscular, gorgeous pay back. If he turned he would have seen my blush. 

Yeah, good luck Eva, the feelings aren’t gone. 

“I’m going to shower. You can, um, there’s books? I think Hange left something to eat a few hours ago, too. Eat that…if you want.” That was his way of telling me he didn’t want me to leave. 

“Okay,” I finished shortly and turned back around, closing the bathroom door. When the water went on, I took a long breath and sunk down against the door. I put a hand to my face and lightly slapped it to wake me up. My face had to be at least five shades redder after that encounter. Was he going to make me put bandages back on him? Would I get to see his front on full display? I slapped my face again and frowned at myself. He wasn’t the only shirtless man you’ve seen, quit acting like this. 

I stood up and looked around at his office. There were papers scattered all over his desk, nothing seemed to be in it’s right place, and I could see a layer of dust collecting on the shelves to the right of his desk. It’s not because me cleaning would make him happy, but it’s because I had taken an interest in looking around his office. It would be a disservice to the place if I didn’t look at it in the way he intended. 

Starting with the desk, I just pushed papers together and stacked them in neat piles on his desk. It was easy to find a spot because there was absolutely _nothing_ on his desk besides a name plaque, a cup to hold pens, and a stamp that seemed to be his official marking for papers. His office was as bare as the one in the capital. I found a cloth by the burner and used that to wipe down the shelves that were equally as empty. A rusted knife, a small stack of Wings of Freedom cloth emblems, and a cracked, white teacup. I wonder what these things meant to him if he put them over here on display. 

I wiped off his desk too and opened the curtains that blocked the sunlight from the windows. His office viewed the training ground as I saw cadets practicing hand-to-hand combat in full uniform. When I finished dusting everything, I sat down in his chair, taking in the full view of his office. If I had a room like this, I’d fill it with something and not leave it so empty. I bet it even echoed. 

“Echo… echo,” I confirmed my suspicion. When we talked about remodeling the Scouts HQ, his office had never come into the conversation when it severely needed to. 

The water shut off and my gaze snapped to the door of the bathroom. He takes quick showers for someone who was slightly incapacitated. I wonder how long they took him when he was back to normal. Showers should be savored, not rushed; that was my opinion. 

The door opened and I just turned the random book of his desk open to pretend I was reading. It was something about the history of Scout maneuvers but I couldn’t understand a thing. He had to know I was lying to him. 

“You cleaned?” I glanced quickly up at him and looked back down at the book. Oh gods. He was smiling. Not a smirk or a smile after he insulted me; a heartwarming, genuine smile. Another one worth ten points at least. I wanted to look back up at him. If he smiled like that again, this whole emotionless façade of mine was going to break easily. 

He walked over to the small foot rest that was in front of his desk and sat down slowly to face me. I just kept staring at the pictures in the book finally discovering that the Os were Scouts and the Xs were titans. 

“Interesting book?” I turned the page and nodded, lying to him. This page didn’t have a picture so I’d have to pretend to be interested in the words. 

“Can you even understand what that’s saying?” I’d been caught. I acted like I had finished the page before closing the book and setting it aside. This time, I felt like I was at an appropriate distance to look at him. That was a mistake because he was still smiling at me and I felt my insides melt. He was doing it on purpose. The defensive strategy that I made while he was shower disappeared too. 

“No,” I answered truthfully and took in his form. He had put the bandages on himself, thank gods, and was sitting completely straight so as to not hurt his ribs. His face was smooth again, but his hair had grown almost past the tip of his nose. Even like this, he looked so handsome. I leaned back in the chair and started twiddling my thumbs, looking down at them. 

“You cut your hair?” He was observant. I coughed before answering.

“I do at the beginning of every year.”

“Are you sick?” His voice was filled with concern and not the tone of ‘If you say yes, I’ll kick you out’. 

“A cold.” 

“So you haven’t been taking care of yourself.” There was no tea to sip in place of answering his statement. Those words brought back a bit of anger though. The effects of his smile didn’t last long. 

“If you cared, why didn’t you come back then?” He sighed and rested one leg over the other like he always does. 

“I was sca-” 

“Don’t say you were scared. You’ve used that excuse before. Find something original.” It was a lot easier to yell at him when I wasn’t looking at him. 

“I didn’t know how to respond.” I clenched my fists. I knew that when I kissed him, but it still made me mad. He was a grown man.

“Usually when someone kisses you, you have two options. Respond back or tell them you don’t want that. You don’t run away from them.” He groaned which made my anger even worse. He didn’t know how to respond to anything I was saying and that made him frustrated too. 

“C-Can you come sit next to me?” I looked up at him for the first time, my eyes hardening with emotion.

“No, I won’t.” I didn’t dare get close to him again. 

“ _Eva_ ,” he pleaded and I shook my head again. 

“I’m not playing this game anymore, _Levi._ I’m not going to play pretend with you and ignore the reality of things.” He stood up again slowly. 

“Look at this. At me. This is reality. I almost died out on the field because I was thinking about _you_ and not the titans! I called you here to show you that because I don’t think you know how bad things can get.” I raised an eyebrow at him and crossed my arms.

“Are you saying I’m a distraction?” He pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration again. No, sir, I was the one who could be frustrated. 

“No, I’m not saying that. I’m saying that I almost died because of one small slip up. Who knows what could happen on the next expedition? You don’t know what it’s like to be outside of the walls or to see people die to the left and right of you! I’m _always_ next.” I glared at him. 

“Maybe if we didn’t spend so much time in our pretend little world, you could’ve told me so I understand. Maybe you’d know about my life in the Underground and how you’re completely wrong about me not knowing how bad things can get. You’re the one who did this to yourself!” I hit his desk with my fist and stood up to match him. I wasn’t going to back down. His face went blank again, back into the calculating Captain Levi, not the one who seemed to blurt out things when the emotion came too much for him to know how to deal with it. 

“I don’t… ” 

“You’re afraid of yourself. If you let yourself really do what you want, it’ll break the little pretend world you’ve made. The one where you’re emotionless and in control of every part of yourself and the people below you. You can’t push away reality and keep playing pretend with me.” He gripped his fist. 

“I’m not playing pretend.”

“Then who are you when you’re sitting on my couch?” 

“Levi.” 

“Levi or _Captain_ Levi?” He shook his head like it didn’t matter the difference. 

“What is that supposed to mean?” 

“They’re two different people. Right now, you’re being Captain Levi. You’re calculating down to your next syllable and not letting yourself say what you want. When you’re Levi, you talk freely and smile and laugh. That’s why we never talk about your life or the Scouts, because you feel you can never talk freely around me about those things. You don’t need to protect me.” He looked down at the floor again, calculating what to say next. It was so frustrating that he couldn’t just speak like he was previously. He always had to be in control. 

“Scouts die everyday. There’s no guarantee that I’ll come back. And when I’m back, there’s no guarantee that I can come and see you. I have paperwork and training and duties I have to humanity first. I will always be Captain Levi before I am Levi… since you see a difference in the two.” That changed the pace I was going at. I was going to continue to yell at him, but those last works… 

“I’m not going to hold myself back because I’m afraid of what _could_ happen. I recognize there are things I can and can’t control and I _live_ with it. No one can live like that. You would never be a Scout if you lived like that. You would never be a Captain if you hesitated on every move or order you made. Right now, you’re eating yourself up inside because you want to control everything and can’t admit it to yourself that you can’t!” I squeezed my eyes shut, not caring if my words hurt him in any way. It was the truth. 

“What will you do when I die?” My eyes shot open and locked with his. That emotion was there again. The sliver of something I could never put my finger on. The soft tone of his voice matched it. _When?_

“I believe in you enough to know that day will never come.” Apparently, that was the wrong answer and it made him lean forward, grasping the edge of the desk hard enough to make his fingers white. He was only a few inches away from me, but my anger clouded over the want to lean in and taste him again. Did he taste like tea?

“I’ll ask you one more time. What will you do when I die?” I shook my head at him, denying his death, and this time he hit the desk with his injured fist, “Why do you have so much blind _faith_ in people? _In me?_ ” 

“I was given a second chance at life because an old man had faith in a little Underground girl with burned hands. I believe everyone should be given the same. You haven’t done anything for me to lose faith in you. I don’t go out to see you off on expeditions because I know I’ll see you when you get back.” He seemed to almost collapse down in one big breath, his head between his straight arms, hands still gripping the edge of the desk. 

The air in his office was tense. No one had probably ever talked to him like I had just did and my words probably matched the internal dialogue he’s had with himself. He knows that I’m right and that he’ll break down on the inside if he keeps trying to strive for total control.

I stood there looking at the back of his head, waiting for him to speak up. His hands kept clenching and unclenching the edge of the desk like he was thinking everything over again. The fact that he couldn’t control the his emotions in this situation, no matter how hard he tried, was probably beating him to death on the inside. Was he sad because once he rejected me, he’d lose the pretend world where he can relax and there isn’t a need to strive for control? Was he angry at me for speaking to him like that? 

“I think I have feelings for you. I’m just apprehensive.” My eyes widened and I looked down at him, still crouched over at the other end of the desk. That wasn’t the emotion I thought he was experiencing. My heart was beating so hard he could probably hear it too. He just… I didn’t expect this to be the outcome of the night. 

“What will you do when I die? Just answer the question.” This was his apprehension. He’s had to move on constantly from people who’ve died, outside the wall or under it. He’s strong, but he didn’t know how strong I could be. I’ve watched people die too. I’ve had to say goodbye countless times. I had to make sure he knew I could deal with pain and hurt as well, and not just my own. 

“I’ll give you a nice funeral, wait a year, then move on to Commander Erwin.” The tension broke and he let out a huff of air in laughter before standing up. His eyes were back to normal, but this time a lot softer than when he was walking down the street. It wasn’t indifference, it was just from being relaxed.

“I can’t abandon my duty as a Captain. If I have work to do, that comes first.” 

“Understandable.” 

“It might be months on end where you won’t be able to see me.” 

“I guess I’ll just have to get a mistress.” He rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. The orange light from the sun setting behind us made it so I couldn’t stop staring at him now.

“I’m being serious here, Eva.” I sat back down in his chair, crisscrossed, still struck with his face.

“So am I, Levi.” 

“I require monogamy.” I think that was him trying to make a joke so I indulged. 

“I guess I can live with that. The bakery keeps me busy enough. If I have orders to fill out, that comes first.” I mimicked him and a small smirk crept up onto his face. That’s how I knew he was completely back. 

“Understandable, but slightly saddening you put baked goods above me.” There was a knock at the door. He rolled his eyes and went over to answer it. I made sure I was out of sight of the door. 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing disturbing my sleep, cadet? Can’t you see my state? I should make you clean the stables for waking me up.” I could hear the nervousness in the cadet’s voice when he answered.

“I-I-I’m so… sorry, Captain! I didn’t know you were sleeping! Squad leader Zoë told me to bring you this!” There seemed to be an exchange of plates and the cadet was still shaking as Levi turned back into the room/

“Dismissed. Don’t come knocking this late again.” He kicked the door closed in front of the cadet saluting him and walked to the desk with two plates of food. 

“I see now where the mean rumors come from. He was just delivering food.” He set the place down in front of me, ignoring my comment. 

“Not Erwin.” He pulled the ottoman over so he could eat at his desk too. I smiled spooning some curry.

“Why not? I’m trying to climb the ranks.” He shook his head again. 

“If you think _I’m_ too calculated, then you’d hate him. That book you were pretending to read, he’s probably gone through that six or seven times. He stays up till dawn thinking about where a single person should ride in our formation to maximize titan spotting. He’ll have no time for you.” I pulled a face and he lightly laughed. Actually laughed. 

“I guess I’m just stuck with you, Captain.”


	8. Bread

_TW: Themes of SA_

“Maybe they stopped somewhere? They’re usually on time, so something had to have happened,” I turned back to look at the café’s clock through the window. They were almost two hours late. Some people were making jokes about them all dying and not coming back, but I rolled my eyes at those. I would know if Levi died and I didn’t have a feeling like that. However, there was a feeling creeping up from my stomach. Something wasn’t right and it wasn’t because they had stopped along the way to take a rest. I had gotten this feeling before and realized sometime ago it lined up with Levi getting hurt on the expedition. 

Jonas shrugged, “I mean it’s always a gamble to see what time they come back. It’ll probably be late when they do. Let’s go back in. It’s not like they’re never late.” He tried to grab my arm to pull me down, but I evaded it. Something just didn’t seem right. I wasn’t settled to go back to the café yet. Not when this feeling was still slowly creeping up my back. What was going on? 

“No, Jonas, I’m going to stay here.”

Suddenly, there were screams from far down the street. Loud screams of terror. They weren’t welcoming back the Scouts, were they? Were they really in such a state to scream about? The feeling had finally taken hold of my brain and I started shaking. Something bad had happened. 

Levi, where are you?

“Wall Maria has fallen! Titans have taken Wall Maria! Shiganshina has been attacked by the titans!” I recognized the man on the horse as a new cadet and his eyes were filled with fear. As soon as he ran past the people waiting, chaos struck. My eyes opened as wide as they could and I observed the people from the crate I was standing on. Some were screaming in hysterics, others didn’t believe the news, too stunned to move, and most were already running back to their homes. 

If titans had taken Wall Maria, that means they were right outside Wall Rose. They were directly outside of Trost. Had the Scouts been stopped by an ambush of titans? How did the titans breech Wall Maria? Questions were running fast through my mind and even with Jonas’s pulling, I couldn’t leave the crate. Where were the Scouts? Where was Levi? I wanted answers, but I couldn’t get them like this. My eyes started watering.

“Eva, we need to go inside! If the titans broke through Shiganshina, then Trost is next!” The screams of the crowd had gotten loud enough to drown out anyone speaking in regular tones. People were coming to the same conclusions Jonas and I had. We weren’t protected by another wall, we _were_ the wall now. The titans were right outside our doorstep. If they climbed up Maria, they can climb up Rose.

“Where are they, Jonas?!” I asked in desperation. Somehow, even with all these questions, my mind was hyperfocused on the Scouts. He grabbed my legs and hauled me inside, not caring to answer my question. I was too stunned to move. 

Once he put me down, he locked the door and closed the windows to the café. 

“Is your apartment locked?” I nodded slowly and looked around. Everyone had vacated their places at the tables and I even saw some pastries and bread missing from the glass case. That’s when I realized why Jonas had come in and locked the door.

“I think we’re going to have to keep the café locked for a few days. People are going to be panicking and doing crazy things, and if there are any refugees from Shiganshina, they’re going to end up here.” I started shaking at the thoughts of people breaking in. Tears, fear, and now physically shaking. My mind couldn’t process my emotions, but my body was going into overdrive.

I had bread. That was the one thing they were going to want. Every meal is with bread. Refugees and citizens. We had just lost valuable land to the titans, meaning that soon there would be too many people to feed and not enough crops. There wasn’t enough land between Rose and Mitras to feed all of us. We were already dealing with a shortage, but now it was going to be ten fold and I had one of the things people wanted the most. Apparently, my mind still didn’t care about that.

“Jonas, how did the titans get in?” He was tying some spare rope around the door and a chair so no one could get it even if they somehow got the lock open. I didn’t know how he was thinking so logically at this point. I couldn’t think straight or even move. I was calm in most situations, but this is the one that broke me. I wasn’t afraid for myself I realized.

He looked up at me and his eyes softened. I was shaking, my eyes wide and filled with tears, and my thoughts were consuming me. Levi was _okay_ , I could feel it, but they had to be fighting titans right now or on their way to. It chilled me to my core thinking about them charging into a concentrated zone like Shinganshina, especially with the new recruits who had just gone on their first expedition. How many had survived this one, just to be eaten by titans breaching the Wall? I wasn’t scared for my wellbeing as much as I was for theirs.

His voice was calmer than before, “I don’t know, Eva, but you can ask Levi when he returns.” I didn’t know if that was to make me feel better, but a sudden confidence in Levi did help. They’ll return. He’ll come back again. 

“I’ll stay with you for awhile. You’re a well-known bakery so people or refugees might try something. You don’t know how to defend yourself from them.” As much as I wanted to reject his offer, I knew he was right. His house would be fine with his two roommates and I was too scared to even go upstairs right now. I nodded and sat down on a chair, trying to calm myself. I was thinking more logical now, but my body was slow to catch up with my mind. Wiping the tears off my face, I start to take deep breaths.

“I wonder what will happen next. If there are titans who can get above the walls, then humanity will have to think of some defense.” Jonas walked over and joined me at the table. We just sat there lost in our thoughts and trying to tune out the shouting going on outside. He decided to try and use humor to calm each of us down.

“A dome,” he suggested flippantly. Not a bad idea, I guess. Sacrificing the sky to survive titans wasn’t something humanity would want to do. Humans wanted to be able to see above and below them. That’s something they all take for granted on the surface. 

“I didn’t know titans were a thing until I was six or seven. The Underground was like a dome and everyone killed to try and see the sky. I don’t think that’d work,” I responded back. He just shrugged and we went back to sitting in silence again. We just didn’t know what to do now that our normal routine was broken. Jonas would be delivering something and I would be back in the café listening to the crowd complain about the Scouts per their return. I’d be waiting for Levi to come back and have our first late-night tea as… well, our first late night tea since we aired out everything. Now, that wasn’t going to happen. Humanity was on a complete standstill that day. 

Some people left Trost and others acted like nothing had happened days previous. The refugees were piling in one by one and being housed in the supply areas the Garrison had. When I took time to stare out the window, I could see them lining up outside to get their names down and escorted in. Their faces were just like the Scouts when they had returned from a brutal expedition and just like people in the Underground. I never thought I would see so many people with this expression above ground. Lifeless, shell shocked, consumed with helplessness; it was hard to stare at them long. I decided to keep the café closed while the refugees were getting settled and to preserve my stock. One of the Garrison members had mentioned that in a months time, the refugees would use up all the excess supplies and soon they would be on the ones for the people of Trost. It seemed the other Wall Rose cities were having the same problem. Coupled with the famine we were already dealing with, it seemed we were soon going to descend into some state of madness as a society. I didn’t want me or my café to be a point of interest to those who were food-crazed.

It seem the Garrison had other plans for the bakeries and delis of Trost.

“We’ll pay you a good amount. It may not be the same as if you would sell to the citizens of Trost, but it’s better than being frozen completely. The government will also give you some extra privileges, but that will be arranged later if you accept,” he smiled down at me as I leaned on the counter. I was trying to mold my face into the one Levi always had on. He was right, even if I was getting paid little per loaf, it would be much more than not selling anything. I could see Jonas in the corner of my eye who looked nothing but suspicious. He had stopped reading the newspaper to listen to the Garrison Captain and I’s conversation. 

“I would get paid in advance, correct? Per loaf? If not, then no deal.” He clenched his jaw, knowing that wasn’t his plan. I wasn’t going to let them exploit me like I knew they had the other bakers. The old couple down the street, the Saunders, had been contacted for the same service at the start of the influx of refugees. That was a week and a half ago. Once they had ran out of their flour and yeast, the Garrison told them to wait and get paid. Because of this, every bakery was hesitant to accept their offer. We, the owners, had been passing letters back and forth with bargaining tips. I was the first one to test them out and I’d write later on their success. 

“If we cannot pay you in money, we can give you more supplies and food in place. You know how it is, everyone is being drained. The Garrison soldiers are down to two meals a day.” Oh, _boohoo_. I could care _less_ about the Garrison. They’ve been hoarding food for themselves and have limited the refugees to a single loaf, a bowl of soup, and a jug of water per day. 

“And how many meals do you give the refugees per day?” I raised an eyebrow and his jaw clenched even tighter. I had to accept the offer to get by, but I was going to make him feel bad about it.

“Will you accept or not? There are countless other bakeries in Trost…” I smiled, knowing he was lying to me. Almost every sensible bakery declined their offer last week. He’d have to go back to them and beg if he lost me.

“Let me hand out the bread. It’s my bread and I want to make sure it goes to the right people. You have the power to let me do that, don’t you, Captain?” He widened his eyes, probably surprised I even accepted. He didn’t care about the formalities after that.

“Of course, Eva. Whatever you want,” he grabbed my hand, shaking it wildly, “Thank you for accepting! Come tomorrow at nine in the morning with the number I gave you!” He quickly ran out of the café, making sure I couldn’t add on any more rules. Jonas pulled a face as he set the newspaper on the table. 

“You shouldn’t have accept it, Eva. Business will be up again soon and you know they won’t pay you. You know what they did to Ida and George,” he shook his head in disapproval. Jonas had little faith in anyone it seemed.

“It’s to help the refugees, Jonas, not the Garrison. If I can bring at least a little joy to their faces, I’d be happy. It’s heartbreaking to watch them aimlessly walk around Trost with those looks on their faces.” It was the Underground all over again. I thought I had escaped it.

“If I witnessed a titan almost twice the size of the walls, I’d look like that too. They’re saying that it disappeared as fast as it came and it brought in another titan to break through the walls. It’s insane. I’ve seen one titan, and they didn’t look like they were capable of that.” I turned to grab a big bag of flour and start making the bread. Jonas saw my struggle and came over to grab it for me and pull it into the kitchen where the batch mixer was. 

The week he had been here, I had barely gotten sleep until the Scouts returned. My body would calm down for a few hours and then go right back to being seized up and shaking. My overthinking also didn’t help my mental or sleeping state. I had also drank at least four cups of a tea a night.

“I can help you make it, but I have to start delivering again tomorrow. You’ll be on your own dealing with the refugees,” he poured in the flour and I went to fill up the pitchers of water. Jonas still had a huge distrust of the refugees flocking into Trost. It didn’t help that the food shortage was making them desperate. News of infighting flooded out into the Trost street gossip and everyone was worried when the fighting would also flood out of the barracks. They didn’t see most of the refugee’s faces… most were too weak willed to do those things. Only some had a spark of life left. 

The next morning, I walked into the stock yard, trying to keep my emotions down. Seeing the people fight each other and the faces of those still in shock made me sick to my stomach. These people had lost their homes and families, yet the Garrison was treating them like cattle. Even the children had the same looks as the adults; pained, helpless, and tired. I couldn’t show them my emotions thought. The last thing they want from someone is pity. I knew that well.

“There you are, Eva. We’d like to thank you again for cooperating with us. How many loaves did you bring?” The Captain looked down at me and I know he was reluctant to hear my answer. 

“Three hundred, like you asked,” I gestured to the bags on the cart I was pulling. He winced at that number and pulled out the notes to pay me. I stuffed the money inside my jacket and pulled the cart over to the soup that was being poured out. He probably didn’t think I could make that many loaves in a short time.

“They got you to listen to them too, huh, Eva?” It was the deli owned three streets down. When I needed to add meat in any of my winter pastries, I would always go to him. No one had the money for meat at the moment, that’s probably why he was here. No one needed specialty bread or pastries, that’s why I was here.

“I’m here for the refugees. I know the Garrison is hoarding supplies and has enough to feed them. They offered to pay me two large bags of flour everyday I brought bread. There’s nothing I can do about them, but I can try and help those who are being cheated from it.” He smiled at me and nodded in agreement. 

“I grew up in Shiganshina. My brother was still there, but he’s missing,” he had a sad look in his eyes as he glanced over the people, “It’s selfish of me, but I hope one day while I’m serving them, he’ll walk up for a bowl.” That made me want to cry. The pain I was pushing down for these people slapped me in the face when he told me that. It made me even angrier that the people were fighting for their lives and I still hear the Garrison soldiers mocking them.

“Refugees! Line up in an orderly line! You will get one large bowl of soup and one loaf of bread! If we see anyone try to sneak more, you’re rations will be taken and redistributed!” As soon as the Captain stepped down from the crate, people came rushing to us. They pushed and shoved each other, desperate to get to the front of the line. I looked down at the ground, not wanting to see it any longer. The government was dehumanizing them and the effects were showing as early as a week. When I handed out the bread, some even growled as they finally got their hands on food. Fights had broken out on the other end of the line as people were trying not to be last and the Garrison just stood there watching. My pity had turned into raging anger. The Garrison were the ones who were useless. They don’t deserve the taxes I pay them. 

“Ma’am, I have two other children with me. I didn’t want them to get shoved around, can I please have two more loaves?” I looked at the old man who had a straw gardeners hat on the top of his head. Next to him stood a young child, eleven or twelve, with a mop of golden hair on his head. His blue eyes looked up and pleaded with me, urging me that the man, probably his grandfather, was telling me the truth. The Garrison solider next to me stopped him from continuing.

“If they’re not in line with you, they’ll have to get their own,” he glared down at the two and I glared up at him. They weren’t lying and I was going to give them the two extra bread loaves, whether the Garrison guard liked it or not. 

“They’re over there! Please, sir!” The younger boy pointed to the center and you really couldn’t make out who he was pointing to because of the amount of people, but if you squinted there were in fact two kids who seemed to be of similar age to the boy. One with a red scarf and the other a brown jacket.

“With all due respect sir, I see no reason not to give them the loaves. It’s my bread after all.” He switched his glare to me and huffed. He thinks he’s so high and mighty when he’s being absolutely useless. If they were there to help the refugees, they wouldn’t have shoved them in a place used for cattle stock.

“If you give them that bread, be prepared for everyone else to fake the existence of children. We have people to feed, Eva.” I didn’t falter and I handed the young boy three loaves, one for him and two for the others. He beamed up at me, surprised by my kindness. I bet the locals and soldiers weren’t very kind to them and I know they hear the insults daily. I knew the impact of insults well. 

“By denying this bread, you’re starving two children. We have to _feed_ people… Sir.” 

“Thank you so much miss!” The boy turned around and ran to join his friends. I smiled at the sight and handed his grandfather his loaf and soup bowl.

“Thank you so much for your kindness,” he smiled up at me as well, but the guard shoved him along before I could say anything back. 

“I’ll tell the Captain to deduct that from your next pay out. You’ll turn these people into freeloading, charity cases if you keep it up.” My gazed hardened and I passed bread onto the next person. 

“The only freeloaders I see are you and your fellow soldiers. You can give me two bags of flour a day, but not feed these people more than once?” He grit his teeth at me and rage filled his eyes.

“Why, you-”

“You haven’t even seen it happen!” He stopped, his fist in the air, and turned to the shouting that filled the square. The refugees in line turned too. It was the other boy, the one with the brown jacket, his eyes filled with rage as he yelled up at the Captain.

“How a titan eats a human!” My eyes widened and the anger rose to my throat again. Before the solider could hit the boy again, it was the blonde one who jumped in front to defend his friend on the ground. Whatever he said, and the pressure of the other refugees watching, made the Captain walk away. Everyone slowly turned their attention back to getting rations, but I couldn’t take my eyes off the trio who were standing up to go eat their bread. I couldn’t look away from the boy.

He was like Levi. The child no doubt had seen people eaten by titans as he escaped Shiganshina and was dealing with his hurt alone. Everyone around him was going through the same trauma, and the people of Trost didn’t care to listen. Is this how Levi feels? Surrounded by all these people, but forever alone in his experience with titans? I wanted to walk over to the kid and tell him that I’d listen to him. I’d let him tell me all the hurt he’s been through and try to make him feel better. 

“Do you know what those kids names are?” The guard seemed reluctant to hand me information after I just insulted him. 

“Who? Those three? I only know the one who was shouting. His name is Eren Jaeger and his father is a doctor. The blonde boy tries to solve all the fights he gets in and the oriental girl has to help Eren sometimes. She beat up another kid who Eren got in a fight over soup. That kid… he has so much rage he fights like hell is about to freeze over. If he was an adult, we’d have kicked him out already. I’m half minded to do it after he just kicked the Captain,” He crossed his arms and looked over the the trio again.

“Send them to me,” I blurted out, not knowing what my plan was. I just saw kids who needed help. A second chance at life. They were like me.

“If they are ever too much or, I don’t know, if they do anything, don’t kick them out, just send them to me. I need help making the bread anyways.” The guard rolled his eyes at me, probably thinking I wasn’t serious. Hopefully, if that day ever happens, he’ll remember what I said. I wanted to help heal those kids.

“Sure, yeah, whatever. Hand out the bread.” 

Walking back, cart empty, I was still thinking about that boy. The emotion in his eyes was indescribable. I’ve never seen someone his age with that type of trauma so evidently displayed in his eyes. Well, no kid above ground. 

“Eren Jaeger,” I repeated his name again. I wanted to help him and his friends, but the only way I could right now was to make them bread. I hope someday they do end up outside of my café. Maybe I can ask Levi about how I can get around the Garrison.

Levi. I smiled softly thinking about the man. The Scouts returned the sixth day after the news of Wall Maria in the middle of the night. It might have been a move so that no one could see them return, or it just happened to turn out that way when delivering the refugees that came on foot. Jonas had woken me up, as I was passed out over a cup of tea, and we looked out my apartment window at them. He was on his horse, hood up, and riding next to Erwin. I could tell by the way his shoulders were slumped over he was exhausted. It was enough for me to see him like that and I knew they would be ruthlessly busy in the next coming months. I couldn’t be greedy on wanting time with him. It had been about a half a week since they had returned and there were Scouts doing security work, but none had been Levi.

“ _I’ll try my best to be with you,”_ he had told me.

I had stayed at the Scouts HQ for one night and missed the Spring Equinox, but getting to be around Levi after so long was worth it. He had caught me up on what he was doing the past few months and how I needed to avoid Hange like the plague because she was crazy. I had developed a fondness for her, and she was the only other person I had talked to at the HQ, so I didn’t listen. She had taken me back, not without questioning the Captain and I’s relation, and I had to fend her off. Levi had stated that if we were to pursue some form of relationship, he would want it, like everything else in his life, to be private. It was more of a ‘people might try to gain leverage on me’ private than an embarrassed one, so I agreed. If it was unavoidable for people to know in a certain situation, then we would indulge them, but never in any other time.

_“So… what are you and Captain?” She put the saddle on the horse I was riding._

_“Friends. I make him tea he gives me company. Nothing more.” With her intelligence, she would see through that lie easily. No one demands a friend for over a month._

_“Friends?” She raised an eyebrow and tighten the strap around the horse’s belly._

_“He comes around once a month and I give him a specific tea he likes from the capital.” She held her chin, thinking about it for a bit until she just shrugged._

I turned the corner ran into someone who was stopped and looked up at them to apologize. I had gotten lost in my thoughts and let muscle memory take me back to the café. Before I could open my mouth, a knife was at my neck. I instantly panicked and looked at my surroundings.

“You’re the one that Captain gave the money to, aren’t you?” He smiled down at me and I backed up right into another person.

“Eva Flynn, wasn’t it? You gave us bread.” Two refugees. They had saw me put the money in my pocket and were now trying to rob me. My gaze hardened, trying to stay vigilant, but fear crept up in me when my arms were grabbed from the back. I was too weak to physically push away from these two. 

Looking up and down the alley way, there was no one around. It was time to be at work or sheltering in your house. If I screamed, there would be no one to help me and my throat would just be slit. I’d been in situations like this before and they never ended well. I couldn’t show them my fear, that was the worst thing that could happen.

“It’s already in the bank, sorry.” I was very aware of the money that I had stuffed in my jacket’s inner pockets. It was burning a hole in my chest. Losing this money would be like losing two days of wages. The other one’s grip tightened and my shoulder blades were burning at the force. 

“We followed you here. We know you’re lying to us,” The front one smirked and pushed the knife further into my neck. The stinging signified he had cut open my skin. The fear was growing more and more. I was so close to the café, but no one was there. Quickly, I was regretting closing. 

“Just take the money, you know I have it.” He smirked and put his hand on my cheek. He wanted to bite off more than he could chew. 

“Now where would the fun in that be?” I spit in his face and he quickly answered back with a slap. This made my neck move along the knife, cutting in deeper. It was deep enough that I was finally in pain. I could feel warm liquid spread to the collar of my button up.

“Don’t make this harder on yourself,” the one behind whispered in my ear. The hair on the back of my neck stood up. He was the first one to try anything, grabbing my hip and then untucking my shirt from my skirt. I made sure my lower body struggled while minding the knife on my neck. I wasn’t going to let them win easily.

“I’ll report you to the Garrison,” I choked out loud as he shoved his hand in, touching the skin on my stomach. I tensed up and he laughed when he felt it. 

“You won’t be able to report us if you go missing.” My eyes widened a little bit, still trying to hide my emotions from the one in front. He was just staring down at me as his partner’s hand run along my torso and slowly going up. What an awful way to die. I thought at least I’d get eaten by a titan and go out with a bang.

I kicked the back one in the groin and he made a noise in pain, but not before grabbing the life out of abdomen. I yelped in pain and the one in front responded by elbowing me in the side. Not being stabilized by the back one, I fell sideways and was swiftly kicked in the ribs when I hit the ground. He started kicking my side over and over again, making me cough with every attack. If my adrenaline wasn’t rushing, I would’ve felt two of my ribs breaking from his force. 

I closed my eyes trying to breathe through the pain. I’d been in similar situations before and it’s always over quick if you try to focus on something else. Soon, they got bored because you were crying out in pain and they’d take what they needed and leave. Maybe if I went limp, they would run away because they would think I was dead. They didn’t seem like the type who would kill for fun like in the Underground. 

“Bitch!” He raised his knife in the air and I braced for impact. If he stabbed anywhere between my ribs, I was definitely done for.

_“If you scream, little girl, no one will care enough to hear you.”_

“Fu-” the knife clattered on the ground next to me and I opened my eyes. With how cloudy my vision and mind was, I could only focus on the brick wall in front of me. There was the man who groped me, hand stuck to the wall with a knife. The look on his face was pure fear. It sounded like the front attacker was being pounded into next week out of frame.

“You think you can fucking touch anyone, _you vermin_? I’ll rip off _both_ of your arms so you’ll never be able to grope a woman _again_.” The venom in my savior’s voice scared even me. The guy pinned to the wall seemed to gain the will to live and, with a shout, pulled the knife out of his hand. He stepped over me and lunged at the assailant who easily stepped aside and I heard the man let out a harsh breath as he came in contact with the wall by my feet. I wished I could see them getting beaten up as retribution, but I would have to just deal with only hearing the sounds.

“I guess I should’ve just cut your hands off _completely._ Maybe I will,” The knife beside me was picked up, and thrown across the alleyway. You could hear it zoom in the air and rip into the other hand. A loud scream followed, cutting across the silence alleyway. I bet my attackers wished they picked a more crowded place so someone could save them. I laughed at the turn of events, but stopped when a pain went through my side.

“Do you have any last words before I carve out your organs _one by one_?” Footsteps echoed as my knight advanced forward. I’d have to stop him.

“Please, no! Mercy, I beg of you! We just need money!” I started silently laughing again at just how cowardly my attackers really where. I was right, if they killed me, they probably would have panicked and ran away. Once faced with the consequences of their actions, they were on their knees begging for forgiveness. And how crazy was I to want to give it to them? 

I sat up as best as I could, leaning mostly on my hands. I still couldn’t turn to see what was happening, but I knew he was thinking about the best way to get revenge. I’ll stop him here.

“Levi,” I coughed out. The footsteps stopped. 

“Hm?” It felt like I was interrupting him with the tone he gave back. 

“Let’s just go home, yeah? You’re not fit to murder humans anymore.” 

“What if I want to get back into shape?” It was a threat to the attacker still conscious and I heard him whimper as Levi probably glared holes into him. His voice was still dripping with venom. 

“He’s probably lost use of both of his hands, isn’t that punishment enough?” He grunted.

“Yeah, listen to _her!_ She doesn’t want to kill us!” There was a yelp after that sentence and I wondered what Levi did to him. I didn’t care about my attacker or their lives. I cared that Levi didn’t get anymore blood on his hands than there was already. He left that life.

“Shut your mouth!” 

“It’s your choice, but you know my opinion.” I’d give him control of the situation and hopefully that logical mind of his would see that I was right… or at least what my motives were. There was a pause as he thought it over and I dropped back onto the ground when my arms gave out. The pain was creeping back in as adrenaline slowly left my body.

“Tomorrow, you’ll be reported to the Garrison. I have your faces memorized, and you can’t hide your wounds. Enjoy your last night of freedom.” It was completely reluctant and the knife he was holding clattered to the ground. The attacker let out a cry like he was thanking some higher power that he wasn’t just brutally murdered by Humanity’s Strongest. I was swiftly picked up and I closed my eyes taking a big breath. After I was in the clear, the emotions and adrenaline hit me like a truck. 

“I’m going to throw up.”

“I’m going to hit you if you do.” I laughed shallowly again, but went to clutch my side as I did. That probably made him increasingly upset. He didn’t even look down at me, just stared ahead slipping in and out of alleyways to not be seen. 

With my blurry vision, I took the chance to stare at him unashamed. Even with blood splatters on his face, and no doubt his clothes too, he was handsome. Maybe it was the hardened stare and that fact that he saved me from sudden death that made it ten times better to be in his arms. I just soaked it all in knowing he was probably going to drop me on the floor of the café and yell at me for getting attacked. Empathy is something he needs to actively practice it seems. 

“S-stop staring at me so much,” His grip tightened a bit around my legs, but his voice was soft, “I’ll give you a drawing if you really want.” I smiled goofily up at him. Even when I was barely able to breath, I was going to tease him. This was second nature to me besides the bickering. 

“Why? Do I make you nervous?” He said nothing, just scoffed and turned his head away from me. I would blame my injuries for the sudden confidence I felt and I laid my head into his chest to check if he was lying. In fact, his heart was beating at the same speed mine was: fast. I _did_ make the Captain as nervous as he made me. He just didn’t know how to exploit me like I did him. I smirked before closing my eyes and settling myself into his chest, claiming it as my new home. There seemed to be no protest as we walked back to the café.

“No, Levi, you _can’t_ take my shirt off!” I glanced over at Jonas whose head was about to burst. Levi’s fist tightened around the bandages and looked at me with utter anger and annoyance in his eyes. I just lightly laughed, and winced only slightly at the pain. I also gave him a little smirk like I had just won our game of chess.

“Who’s idea was it to get her drunk?” Jonas asked Levi through his teeth. Levi rolled his eyes in response and turned back to dress the wound on my neck. He wasn’t going to make his move it seemed. He hadn’t made a move in at least an hour and I was getting bored of teasing him when it had no visible effect. It was probably because of our onlooker.

“My ide-ow!” I glared down at Levi who was diligently at work cleaning my wound with the alcohol I had been drinking. He did that on purpose. If I was sober, that would’ve hurt so much more, but I think what subsided some of the pain was how close Levi was to me… and the alcohol. His head was lowered, in line with my neck so he could see his work, but his breath sent a feeling down my spine. If only Jonas wasn’t here I might have had enough drunk confidence to try and kiss him again. The way he had taken off his jacket and rolled up his sleeves also did something to me, but it was his attitude that was making him more annoying than hot.

Right now, Levi was being Captain again: indifferent, annoyed, and barely talking. I cursed Jonas again for having shown up for delivery as I decided to drink the leftover alcohol I had. Was my intention to get drunk and gain the confidence to tease Levi in his serious state? No, but I wasn’t complaining that it was happening. I _was_ complaining that Jonas decided to stay and observe Levi bandaging me. I knew him saying, _‘I’m worried about you, you were just attacked!’_ wasn’t the only reason he was sitting there, arms crossed, glaring at Levi. 

“There’s other ways to numb your body besides drinking a whole bottle of liquor, Eva,” he grumbled and I just took another sip before showing him the bottle. I was barely over half drank.

“I don’t remember you complaining when I said I was going to get drunk at Spring Equinox,” I raised my eyebrow at him and out of the corner of my eye, I saw Levi do the same. I had told him about the get-together I had missed while staying at HQ, but I hadn’t told him it was meant for everyone to get drunk.

“That’s different. You were just attacked and beaten by two men. If anything, I should be worried about how much your drinking seeing how calm you are.” Levi stood up and started wrapping my neck with gauze. My face was near his chest again and I relished in that closeness, knowing he’d easily rip away from it to keep up this tough act in front of Jonas. I just settled with breathing in his scent. He’d spoken only three sentences since Jonas had walked in. 

“This isn’t my first time being mugged, Jonas. Was I scared? A little bit, but this knight came and saved me again.” I patted Levi’s shoulder, and I felt him tense up below my hand. Hm, guess he isn’t used to being touched in the presence of others. 

“How are you two so _calm!?”_ He gripped his head like he was the one who had blood on his clothes. Maybe the blood was making him go a bit insane. He didn’t like blood.

“Getting beat up in the Underground was like… a weekly occurrence. Right, Levi?”

“It’s time for your ribs,” Levi muttered and stepped back. He didn’t answer my question and I glared a bit.

The real reason I was downing this alcohol was because I had two ribs that needed to be reset and I hated feeling actual pain. The adrenaline had worn off sometime between us getting back and me drinking half of the bottle, so it was only the alcohol holding back the pain gates . I knew that once he started, it would definitely come back.

“Can’t I just let them heal weirdly?” He shook his head. Jonas stood up quickly as I was about to lift up my shirt. His face was pale and I remembered then how badly he couldn’t stand any type of blood or bones. Even if he hated that fact, he was going to have to leave or else he’d throw up in front of the man he hated the most. His manliness wasn’t going to let him do that. 

One of the first times I was sent out of the bakery to play with Jonas, his friend had fallen out of a tree and broken his wrist. Being part of the Underground, I knew how to set and patch up wounds. As soon as I set the boys wrist, Jonas threw up next to us. Sometimes, I don’t let him live it down and mentioned it in the present. He looked too distressed now to mess with him and I knew he was on his way out. Now, I could actually be around Levi. 

“I’ll come back after I’m off work. You,” he pointed to me, “stay inside, and you,” he boldly pointed at Levi who gave him his famous glare, “don’t try anything funny.” I laughed a bit and took another long sip. 

“I’ll beat him up if he does, Jonas.” He took one long look at Levi and I before grabbing his cart and walking out to deliver more things. Levi made sure he was far down the street before speaking.

“Thank _gods_ he left. I was about to throw that damn bottle at him. He looks like he wants to kill me for the simplest things.” I smiled as Levi finally said his first real sentence in an hour. 

“He was just worried about me. You saw his face when he walked in and saw the blood on my neck. He hates blood or anything like that, so I’m surprised he stayed for that long. He also wants to beat you up, deep down. If he ever finds out about us, he’ll probably explode.” I took another swig and before I could finish, Levi yanked the bottle out of my hands and finished it off in three gulps.

“Hey!” He ignored my shouts and dodged my hands as he finished the last third before slamming it back down on the table. He let out a small groan of regret before standing back up and wiping off his lips.

“You don’t need to drink anymore. I’m surprised you didn’t try to grope me like you did when I carried you back.” My mouth shot open at the insult and he smirked. Captain Levi was gone, but at my expense. He had moved his chess piece.

“I grabbed you because you were about to drop me,” a lie, but I wanted to save a little face. Maybe I did grab onto his shirt when we were walking back… perhaps a bicep too. 

“What’s the boy to you?” It took me a second to realize he was talking about Jonas and I smirked. Was he getting jealous possibly? He did have an annoyed look on his face. 

“My first above ground friend. His parents were friends with Mr. Flynn, so whenever I was getting annoying, I’d be sent out to play with Jonas. We went to school together too. He’s my best friend, starting from age twelve.” That didn’t seem to wipe the annoyed look off of his face. He waved his hand for me to scoot back on the table. I raised up my shirt and tucked the ends into my bra so he had full view on my stomach. The bruises were already starting to show. 

“But he doesn’t want to be your best friend? Friend friend versus Levi friend.” My eyes widened and I went to sit back up, but the pain stopped me. 

“You heard that?!” He nodded and my eyes widened. How embarrassing. 

“That was probably the first indication I had feelings for you. When he confessed, I wanted to jump down and…” He trailed off, but this showing of emotion made me feel warm inside again. The butterflies came back too. There was a short bit of silence as he got the bandages ready to wrap around my middle and I just watched. Now, he was just hot, not annoying.

“I’m happy that you’re doing this. You have a lot of experience with rib care.” He playfully glared down at me and went to put his hands on my middle. I gasped softly as he did. Not just because his hands were cold, but also because this was the closest he’s ever touched me. Is this what he felt when I undid the bandages on his back? I relished in his touch, knowing the pain was going to come next. His hands were softer than I thought they would be.

“I think the first time I knew I had feelings for you was in your office in the capital.” 

“O-oh?” He stuttered. He found the rib he had to reset and I winced. The alcohol was barely helping and I think my senses were heightened even more because he was touching me like this. 

“I need you to breathe in and when you breathe out, I’ll reset it. This is what Hange does. It’ll be quick, I promise.” I shook my head, not ready for the pain.

“Talk to me while you do it… What… What happened to Wall Maria?” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. This would be the first time he’s talked to me about an expedition in full detail. A step on the way to being comfortable with mixing me and his reality. 

“If you promise not to talk and breathe correctly.” This time, I just nodded once and he got ready to push my rib back into the right spot, “When you’re ready, take a big breath in to signal me.” 

“Okay.” He paused for a moment, just staring down at his hand, probably finding a place to start. I wondered if he felt the same way I did when I touched his skin. Could he feel my heart beat? I don’t really have to hide it anymore.

“The refugees said it was a titan taller than the wall who started it. He disappeared as soon as they could get a good glimpse at him. Into thin air apparently. Then, there was a titan that had plates on his body. Armor. He was the one who rammed through the walls. It wasn’t abnormals who learned how to climb like we thought. They were… intelligent.” I breathed in and out and he pushed down. I took a big gasp of air as pain went through my side and I clenched my jaw. 

“ _Fuck!_ ” The ache came after the pain and Levi moved his hand up to the next rib he had to put into place. If he had broken almost all of his ribs, it had to be torture for him to reset all of them. I’m about to scream from this pain and it’s just one rib. I looked up to him and he had that same indifferent expression when he was recalling Wall Maria.

“We haven’t seen titans like this before,” he continued, “and it’s changed our mindset on fighting them. When we went to find the refugees who fled on foot, we didn’t encounter any other titans like that. That’s another reason we think they’re intelligent. They know how and when to hide. Who knows where they went?” 

“Ow, ow, ow, ow!” That rib was a little higher up and a lot more painful. At least we were done. I sat there breathing hard through my teeth and some tears came to my eyes. Once I seemed settled, he helped me sit up and started tightly wrapping the bandages around my upper stomach like he had.

“For now, the Royal Government has suspended Scout Expeditions because they want to use us as their security. They’re too afraid to lower the MPs in Mitras even though they should. We have a meeting with them soon to plan our next steps for Wall Maria and the overpopulation of the outer cities.” 

“Did you see Shinganshina?” He shook his head no and finished wrapping the bandages. I pulled my shirt down and sat at the edge of the table we used as a work space. He turned and leaned on the edge next to me, his arms crossed. 

“We didn’t get close enough. Too many titans and too many people to protect. We were already low on people from the expedition and it took almost everything to get the people of Shiganshina into Trost.” I turned to look at his face and saw the emotion in his eyes. Tired. 

“Do you remember how people looked in the Underground? The ones who walked around all day and night, going from bar to bar, and had no drive to do anything but drink?” He nodded. 

“That’s what most of the refugees look like. They have no drive or any want to do anything. They look paralyzed by fear and dead on the inside. Only a few have something in them that makes them keep fighting.” 

“Rage.” It sounded like he was speaking from personal experience and it suddenly made me want to ask him about his time in the Underground, but I didn’t want to further exhaust him. That was one of the things I was most curious about. Did we over lap? Go to the same places? Do we know the same people?

“That sounds about right. There was this young boy there today who picked a fight with the Garrison Captain. The look in his eyes… I still can’t stop thinking about it, it gave me chills. Rage,” I nodded, “It was pure rage in his eyes. I offered the Garrison to send him to me, along with his two friends.” Levi huffed next to me, probably knowing my motivations behind the offer. I basically gave him the same offer when he walked into the café for the first time… it just wasn’t out loud. 

“What happens if they come and he gets into a fight with one of the customers?” I shrugged and looked out the side window he was staring at. Only a few people were walking the streets, probably for late lunch. It was much less than before Wall Maria fell. 

“I closed for the time being. If anything, they would help me make bread for the refugees. I’d give them a proper meal, too.” 

“You’d give them a second chance like you do everyone else?” There was a bit of sarcasm behind his voice and I knew he had found the time to reprimand me. I was sobering up because of the pain and Jonas wasn’t here; it was perfect. I guess I’d let him get it over with.

“They were desperate and just needed money. It wasn’t like they were going to kill me for fun. Besides, you’re turning them in tomorrow, so they’ll get what’s coming to them. The Garrison is hungry to put some of the refugees in jail.” He rolled his eyes and uncrossed his arms, resting his hands on the edge of the table. When he’s mad, he seems to like to grip something. Control.

“They were going to use you and then kill you. It doesn’t matter why they did it, it only matters that they’re still roaming the streets. You don’t think they’ll do it again? If I hadn’t caught them, think of what they’d do to you.” His voice was growing in anger and I looked down at my thumbs, focusing on my breath. I definitely felt like a child being reprimanded by their parents. 

“I didn’t tell you to leave them alone for their sake.” I mirrored his position, putting my hands down on the edge of the table. We still weren’t looking at each other. I wonder why.

“You don’t need to worry about who or what I kill, Eva. It was justified.” His voice got softer this time, probably understanding my reasonings. He didn’t agree, but at least he knew why I did it. 

“I know I don’t. Most of the time what you do doesn’t concern me, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be concerned _for_ you. I didn’t want you to kill anyone. You don’t have to kill to survive anymore… humans that is.” I became bold again and put my hand over his on the edge of the table. He didn’t move away from affection this time, but looked down at me hand. 

“I’m going to teach you how to fight. That’s how I’ve decided to conclude this situation. I won’t always be there to save you like I was today and that thought makes me even angrier. I can’t even protect you and that…” his jaw clenched and I felt his hand grip the table harder trying to compose himself, “I have a few days off, so I’ll stay here and teach you. The thought of leaving you here helpless when I go off places… I don’t like that thought.” I nodded and gripped his hand, telling him I understood. We sat there like that for a bit, probably both liking the closeness.

“Are you okay?” He looked up at me and the concern in his eyes made me feel something deep inside. My body felt so warm and I wanted to lean into him and have him hold me like he had before. I don’t know what stopped me. 

“I think I’ll be fine after being trained by Humanity’s Strongest.” I shifted incorrectly trying to hop off the table and almost crumbled to the floor. He caught me and helped me stand up like I did to him. He even gripped my shoulder like before, trying to balance me next to him. I made sure to take some liberties and lean on his side.

“I think we should wait a day since you can’t stand. I might be Humanity’s Strongest, but I can’t teach someone who incapacitated.” I laughed a bit and leaned in more.

“If you hold me like this, I might just stay incapacitated for a while longer.” He froze realizing he couldn’t escape my teasing, even if it was directly after a serious conversation. He must have thought that only drunk me was capable of being that bold. 

“I-I… What do you… I’ll… I’ll _drop_ you!” He looked away from me as I laughed up at him lightly. Another blush point. 

“I’m tired. Can you take me upstairs?” He nodded and we started walking to the back door through the kitchen. I was debating what to say next as we walked up the stairs slowly.

“It’s fun, you know,” He looked back at me and I made sure we were halfway up the stairs before I said what I wanted too, “To other people you’re so tough and emotionless, but I can say one sentence and make you stutter so easily.” He stopped walking and looked down at his feet. He couldn’t leave me now and was trapped in dealing with me. This was _power_. 

“I said I’d drop you,” he squealed out trying to make it sound low and intimidating. It just sounded like he was struggling to stay composed.

“You look tired too. My bed is big enough for both of us.” Sleeping together seemed to be a touchy subject for him. When I was at the HQ, he was going to get a cot for him to sleep on and would let me use his bed. I obviously declined as he was still injured and suggested we just sleep together. That probably was the reddest he ever turned in front of me. It may have been coupled with the fact that I had teased him about it before, but I ended up sleeping on the cot outside his bedroom door. I wonder if he’d ever shared a bed with someone in his life. 

“I’m not tired.” We started walking up the stairs again. 

“Yes you are. It’s not like I’m going to do anything, my ribs are broken. I do have to warn you though, I’ve been told I’m a sleep cuddler.” With that, he picked me up completely and kicked my door open. He walked over to my bedroom and launched me on the bed from my doorway. The pain was probably meant as payback for teasing him. He looked down at me from the doorway, his eyes glaring at me. I bet he hated being at the mercy of my jokes. No control. 

“S-Stop… talk, stop talking and go to sleep… _brat_ ,” He _tched_ before closing the door. I smirked up at the ceiling and moved under my blankets. The porcelain clanging signaled to me that he was in fact staying and probably making some tea.

“I’ll get you in here someday, Captain!” I yelled through the door and heard the dishes stop moving. I started laughing as I left him helpless again.

“ _Shut up_ and go to _sleep!_ ”


	9. Intimate

“You’ve improved since I left. Who did you practice with?” He sat on the couch as I showed him the techniques he had taught me a few weeks ago. I wasn’t going to tell him that I wanted it to be perfect for him so I practiced it whenever I could, but I just wanted to be approved by Humanity’s Strongest. He wasn’t the type to baby me and tell me I was good when it wasn’t. On the first few days, he would push me on the couch easily, making sure to mind my ribs. 

_“You just need to touch me with the knife. Is it_ that _hard?”_

I probably gained more bruises from the couch than I did from my attackers. If it was anyone normal, I’d probably be able to fend them off, but I guess that wasn’t enough for Levi as he wanted to make sure I could hold my own against someone actually trained to fight. I’d tell him that it wasn’t fair. He had years of experience on any soldier, but he didn’t take my complaint at all. He’d just use that to play with me. I discovered that his version of my teasing was getting me riled up with his insults. 

“I just did it in my kitchen when I took breaks and came back from giving the refugee’s bread. Why? How good am I?” I smiled at him and he smirked, head in the resting on his knee. I knew an insult was going to come in a few seconds. 

“You could probably knock a few first year cadets on the ground. Mostly teenagers half your age.” I glared down at him and put the knife down on my coffee table. 

“Well, I don’t think anyone who’s attacking me in the streets of Trost is going to have the skills of a cadet.” He shrugged and sat back on the couch, his face contracting back to normal. He looked up at the wall and I stood there waiting for him to say something back. I knew there was something wrong when he didn’t give any form of witty reply. It had to be about the meetings in the capital. 

I sat down on my chair, taking the fresh cup of tea I had made. Another reason I knew something was up with Levi is because he hadn’t drank his tea yet. It had been an hour, too. He was even the one to bring back the tea from the capital and I assumed he was excited to drink it, but there sat the cup, untouched. I decided to slide into the topic lightly. 

“How was the capital?” He looked back down at me and switched the leg he had crossed. 

“Boring. We were stuck in long meetings where they didn’t even ask our opinions on the matter. However, that’s usually how it goes.” I nodded and almost frowned at the lack of information he had given me. I’d have to pry it out of him if that was even possible.

“Does Erwin not speak up? He seems to be the type to advocate.” Levi huffed once in laughter and I knew I was wrong. 

“It’s Erwin’s strategy to play diligently to the Royal Government. One day when he needs something, it will be easy to pry it out of their hands if they only have a light grip on him. People generally like him because he is so agreeable.” I set my tea down and lifted my legs to sit criss-crossed in my chair. 

“I’ve never met Erwin, but from what you say about him, I think I know his personality well.” He shook his head and looked back up at the ceiling. 

“You’ll never know Erwin. He’s one of the best strategists I’ve met, but you have no idea what he’s thinking until he says it. It doesn’t help he speaks so cryptically either… _when_ he speaks up.” I rested my head in my hand and knew that this subtle look into Erwin’s personality was mostly from Levi’s frustration. Something happened in the capital that made Levi want to slightly criticize him. I decided I would stop beating around the bush because if I played this way, Levi could easily keep deflecting for hours. It was also no good to just have him sit here for hours and let his frustrations take root in his mind. 

“What happened in the capital?” His eyes snapped to me again, quick to deny anything.

“Nothing. Just meetings. I told you that.” He was lying and the shortness of his answers gave it away.

“I don’t believe that.” He let out a sigh and rested his head in both his hands.

“Stop looking at me like that,” he sighed in frustration. That was the true emotion he was hiding. We were finally getting somewhere.

“If you talk it out with a third party, you might feel better. I know nothing about how the military functions, but-” 

“I can’t tell you. It’s classified.” Oh. I never thought about that possibility until now. I might have made him more frustrated by trying to get him to talk about it when he strictly couldn’t. Levi wasn’t going to break the rules that easily.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I said softly. He didn’t look up, just rolled his head a bit more in his hands, back and forth. It was swallowing him up inside and I just made it worse. Now, I felt awful for doubling the emotion he had to deal with. 

“It’s okay. You didn’t know, Eva.” No, it wasn’t okay. I was scrambling, trying to think of something to make him feel better. If tea wasn’t going to work, then what was? 

I shot up from my chair, looking down at him. His head was still in his hands like he was thinking over and over about the thing I made him think about. He wasn’t supposed to be thinking this hard about work when he was with me. 

When I sat down next to him, he just glanced over to me for a few seconds trying to guess what I was doing. I honestly didn’t know what I was doing or if it would work on him, but I knew what I liked when I got frustrated like this. It was a gamble, but he’d probably go along with it.

“You don’t have to talk about specifically what’s making you frustrated, but I think it’s good to let it out before it eats you up inside. It’ll make you sick if you keep thinking about it.” He didn’t move. 

“It’ll make me sick regardless of if I talk or not.” I decided to put my plan in action and I grabbed his wrists, pulling them towards his right where I sat. He let me move them, but his whole body stayed put. 

“W-what are you d-doing?” I didn’t let go of his wrists. 

“Something I like people to do when I’m frustrated. Will you let me?” He took a deep breath thinking it over, probably having no idea what I was going to do, and took one sharp nod. I smiled and pulled him softly so his head was on my lap and he was looking up at me on his back. He seemed confused. 

“I thought you only did this in your sleep?” 

“I do it whenever I want to. Especially when I’m anxious or frustrated. Have you done this with anyone before?” He didn’t answer, but he did close his eyes probably trying to get comfortable. I laid back against the couch cushion more and admired his face. It was still stiff with frustration, but it made me happy he stayed laying there. I was going to take another risk since this one paid off so well. 

When I put my hand in his hair, his eyes shot open. That was something someone had definitely not done before. I tried to softly massage his scalp with each pass of my hand, getting him to relax further. We stayed like that for a while, just looking at each other, my hand running through his hair nonchalantly. I think he was still trying to decide if he liked it or not. Sometimes I would twist his hair between my fingers, looking for a reaction, but there was none. He just stared at me with those ever intense eyes. 

“You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. I’m just trying to comfort you and make you feel better.” He nodded and that might have been my indication that he was fine with what I was doing. He closed his eyes, letting his guard down, finally, and that’s when it was confirmed he was okay with this. My heart did a little flip and rejoiced in the fact that this mission was a success. He did, in fact, like other humans touch… maybe only mine, but I could easily deal with that. What could I do next? 

“Erwin accepted something that’s incredibly wrong. He stood there like the dutiful servant to the government he is and accepted something awful they pushed on the Scouts. I refused, but was overridden by him and the other sectors of the military. The fact that we’re going to do something like that and be held accountable… I hate it, but I can’t change it.” I couldn’t lie, I wanted to know what it was so I could give my opinion, and maybe make Levi feel better if someone agreed with him. However, I couldn’t be selfish like that in this situation.

“If you don’t do it, will the outcome be worse?” He shrugged.

“Can’t say. Probably. But, it’s not morally sound what we’re going to do.” I could tell he was holding back, probably wanting to lash out at his superiors. He had to hold it in this long, so what else was he holding inside that brain of his? 

“You know you can say what you want here. I’m not going to tell anyone and there’s no one else here. Just us.” I reached down and held his cheek in my hand. He kept his eyes closed, turning his head towards it, almost nuzzling into my touch. I was surprised at his reaction to my touch. 

“I don’t want to fucking do it, but I have to. I have to lead these people to their deaths.” The last sentence was quiet and he let out a long, painful breath after he ended. I wondered if they were going to make the Scouts take back Wall Maria. Whatever they were going to do, it was going to lay heavy on Levi’s conscious and add to the heavy load he was already carrying. 

He grabbed the hand that was on his cheek, just holding it there. He had opened his eyes too. 

“I can tell you what it is, but I don’t want you to be burdened with the truth. I can’t let you feel the way I feel right now. It’ll be too much for you to handle.” I just nodded in understanding and he turned his head back to look up at me. 

“I like this. Cuddling or whatever. It has it’s calming effects.” I beamed down at him, happy that my plan worked. I may not have actually helped him in the long run, but it made him feel better in the present. If only I could find out how to lighten the load more. 

“I’m glad you like it. There’s many more ways to do it if you’d like to try those.” He laughed a bit.

“I’m not _that_ dumb. I know how to do it, I’m just not inclined to seek out human touch.” He sat up and stared at me for a second, “I want to do something though.” He sat there waiting for me to answer. 

“O-oh, uh, okay, yes. You can. You don’t always have to ask.” He lifted his arm closest to me, holding it there. It seemed to take him a few more moments to gather the confidence before grabbing my head and almost shoving it into his chest. His other arm went behind me to support the position. I was basically just leaning on his body sideways. I don’t know why I blushed so hard because of it. I’ve been in this position with Jonas and a lot of other people too. Maybe it was because Levi initiated it and I could hear his heart running a million meters a minute. He put his other hand on my hair, petting it. 

“I-Is this o-okay?” He was stuttering again, looking down at me. I knew he was blushing again too. It was funny. Two grown adults were getting heart attacks from holding each other. For Levi, it was excusable. This was his first time holding someone like this. This was probably his first time acting on his feelings for someone too. For me, I’ve had a relationship before and am a naturally touchy person. There was no reason to be this… giddy when Levi held me than it being Levi. That could be why. He was never like this with anyone but me. That makes it more special. 

“In a few minutes, it might not be, but I’m fine now.” He nodded and was just looking down at me. In this position, I couldn’t look anywhere by to my left outside the window. I felt his eyes on me still.

“It’s your turn to have your brain picked,” he stated and I noted how his chest vibrated with his deep voice. I pressed my ear in closer.

“About?” He took his hand off my head and lifted my hand up to his face. I had ran out of the lotion he had given me, but he made sure to buy two as he just returned from Mitras. This hiatus had made them dry again. 

“The Underground girl with burned hands and the old man that had faith in her.” I laughed once and he place my hand back on my lap. 

“How long have you been wanting to ask me about that?” 

“Since you said it, but I assumed it would be off limits. Now that you told me I could say anything, I’d extend the same to you.” I smiled. Such restraint he had. 

“Only if you promise to tell me about your life in the Underground soon.” He didn’t even take time to think before nodding. He really wanted to know about me… that was nice and different. Most people wanted me to hide the fact I was from the Underground. It makes sense that he would want to know. I wonder if he wanted to compare our experiences about the same world we grew up in.

“I was born in the Underground to some woman I don’t know. My father, I’ve only seen once, but he gave me up to my Aunt. I have no idea what he does or where he is now, and I don’t really care about it either. My Aunt didn’t really like me either, I was an inconvenience, so she sent me to an orphanage a few years after she got me. That’s the closest I had to a family in the Underground. You know no one adopts orphans there, so we all knew we’d be there for the long run, and formed a little pack.” He shifted so he could look me in the eyes as I told my story. 

“What orphanage?” I shrugged my shoulders. My time in the Underground was still filled with holes or trauma that my child brain couldn’t understand. Slowly, I would gain back my memory through dreams or sensations, but there were still a lot of pieces missing.

“It was attached to a church, but I couldn’t tell you the name. If we ever went back, I could point it out to you.” He nodded and looked up like he was thinking of the vague place I told him. We would never be going back.

“I got into a group with the older girls and we would sneak out at night. Little did I know they were in an actual street gang, but I guess most everyone there was. One night these girls didn’t come back. I was sick, so I was in the infirmary when they left, but when I went back to the normal room, they weren’t there anymore. I stayed up night after night, hoping they would sneak back in, but they never did. I was probably ten at this point and I snuck out to go find them since that was my family. I knew where the gang was located so I stupidly went to ask them. That’s the first time I was beaten up. They were probably fourteen or fifteen. After that, I felt lost I guess. No one guides you in the orphanage, the people who were like family to me disappeared, my real family was gone, and so I would just keep going out at night alone, just trying to find some sensation.” He shook his head. 

“You kept getting beaten up at night and you never thought to learn how to protect yourself?” It wasn’t like he was judging me, but it was more of a slight insult. He knew how it was in the Underground and he knew how stupid I was. He was also probably surprised at my decision to the problem everyone in the Underground faces: Eat or be eaten. I chose the latter.

“Maybe I wanted to get beat up for something to do. To feel something. You know how they talk about Underground teens. Once they get older, they start to realize the actual trauma that happened in their lives. I was definitely abused by my Aunt and her kids, but I was so young it took me too long to realize it to be able to process it correctly. Then, about that time you also try to go up to the surface for the first time and get beat up by the MPs guarding the openings. You think, well if no one in the Underground wants me because I’m an orphan, and no one wants to let me up above, then what am I even doing here in this world? Why did I get dropped in this shitty place? I wasn’t gang material either, as you can clearly tell, so I just wandered like the rest with no goal. I was even called the orphanage’s problem child. They’d kick me out once I got of age if I didn’t change, that was their warning to me sneaking out and coming back with cuts and bruises.” He snorted at that, probably finding it hilarious that that’s how I used to be. Compared to my attitude now, no one would have believed that I’d lost hope in life at such a young age.

“One day, I wandered into the wrong place and some gangster thought it would be fun to dip my hands into an oil can fire. I probably laid in that alleyway for a good few days, just withering in pain and watching my skin fall off. With no sun or moon to indicate the time, the says just blurred together. I realized that this is probably what happened to the other girls at the orphanage and so I accepted that as my fate too. It’s not like I had anyone who would miss me. That’s when this old man came up to me and gave me some water. He wrapped my hands up in his jacket and without a word, he took me up to the surface. Of course I followed. He was the first person to show me any type of regard and he fed me and gave me a dress. I never had clothes of my own, just hand-me-downs. That person was Mr. Flynn and he seemed to have a reputation of saving kids from the Underground. I can’t tell you why he chose me or why he did what he did, but I never left his side after that. You find someone who finally cares about you and you want to stay next to them forever. You’re afraid of what will happen if they ever abandon you like the others did.” He nodded, probably knowing exactly what I was talking about. I wondered if he had any friends or people in the Underground he was attached to in that way.

“Where are the other children he saved?” I stood up and went over to the bookshelf where I kept all the portraits. I handed him the drawing of all five of us and pointed out the people while sitting back down. This was the last year-end we had together, and we knew that Mr. Flynn would soon pass away, so we decided to pay for a proper portrait for all of us to have. It was our gift to Mr. Flynn. 

“I was the last and the youngest. He was getting way too old to go up and down and take care of the café all at once. This is Mr. Flynn and I. This man here is the first person Mr. Flynn saved. It’s Jonas’s father, Benjamin. I never lived with him, but he’s the nicest and still treats me like his little sister. Jonas thinks it’s kind of weird,” I moved my finger over to the tall, blonde woman with thinner eyes, “This woman is Catrin and she left a year-and-a-half after I came. She was nice and the only other girl, so we bonded as much as we could. She lives in Stohess now with her husband. You can see, she’s pregnant in this picture. They have a daughter named Kati,” I pointed, lastly, to the person who was sitting next to me in the picture, “Next is Duran. He joined the MPs a while back, but I haven’t seen him since this picture. He’s only a year older than me, but the least liked by all of us. He’s kind of stuck up and was a tattletale… probably why he joined the MPs. He tried to follow me around and get me in trouble with Mr. Flynn.” Levi surveyed the drawing, laughing lightly, probably seeing if he recognized anyone in it. I’m sure he’d probably met Duran at least once in his time at the capital. If Levi went to cadet training, he would have been in the same class. 

“Did Mr. Flynn’s name start with an A?” I smiled and nodded. He was a nice old man, but a very, very plain one.

“He wasn’t a very creative man. When he gave us a new name, he’d only think about it for a few minutes. Catrin helped name me.” He quickly looked back up to me, a bit of mystery filling his eyes. 

“Then what’s your real name?” He smirked down at him in response. This could be a fun game to play.

“You’ll never know.” He let out a groan of protest. 

“You can’t just _hid-”_ I cut him off as I sat back down and put my head back on his chest. I placed the picture in his lap as I was still talking about everyone.

“ _Anyways_ , this was the last time we ever got together as a big group. We use to do it for year end to exchange gifts, but after Mr. Flynn died, I said I’d take over the café and none of them came back. It wasn’t there favorite thing growing up, forced to work at the café, but I loved it. This was about three years ago now. I’ve visited Catrin twice to see my niece and I see Ben a lot. I don’t care for Duran, especially with that stick shoved up his ass. Sinc us two came from the roughest situations, we used to fight and get kicked out of the bakery for a day because Mr. Flynn couldn’t handle us and our pent up trauma.” He put the drawing down and leaned back on the couch again, giving me more room to lean against him. 

“You seem to be to carry on Mr. Flynn’s legacy. Taking in little kids with desperate or bad situations. Elias, June, whoever that refugee boy is…” 

“That’s nice of you to say. I was the one who was attached to Mr. Flynn the most, so it makes sense for me to want to do things like that. Take on the bakery, help the kids… He taught me how nice the world can be, too, not just cruel and lonely. I just want to show that to others I guess.” He put his arm around me again, this time without hesitation. We were back to our original position. 

“Did you ever learn why he saved all of you?” I shook my head and closed my eyes. This scene was practically the perfect domestic dream. Here I was on my couch, cuddling up to Captain Levi, talking of random things about my family. It was actually better than I dreamed it up to be. If only I had a drawing of this moment. 

“It probably had to do with his wife dying before they could have kids. He found Ben wandering the streets alone a few months after Mrs. Flynn died. I guess maybe he just made a habit of it. Catlin was found in a brothel and Duran on the streets in the Underground like I was. I was the only one permanently injured apparently.” He took my hand in his, flipping it over to look at the front and back. I never thought he could be so… intimate like this. 

“How did he die?” 

“Old age. It was his time to go when he did. He was almost ninety-five. I was a wreck when he died. I think I cried for three days straight and had to stay with Ben because he’s the most like Mr. Flynn. No one but Ben could calm me down. It was nice though, the weeks after random people would just come into the café and share stories about him. He was a troublemaker when he was young. Perhaps that’s what drew him to Duran and I.” He squeezed my hand when he saw my sad look at the frame. I guess he was a fast learner on comforting people.

“To think you were a troublemaker… I guess it fits your personality.” I turned to look at him. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“You don’t think I heard the countless comments about my height you made to Jonas the first time I met you? That table isn’t far away from your counter. Insulting a military captain can get you in trouble.” I put a hand over my mouth and started to laugh. 

“Why didn’t you report me then? Too shocked someone would say things like that so close to you?”

“I guess I should’ve known then that you like to run your mouth. If you were one of my cadets, I’d have you running laps everyday for disrespecting your officers.” I pulled a disgusted face and shook my head. 

“Absolutely not. Even practicing this knife stuff has me winded. Don’t get me wrong, I’m kinda strong. I can lift those big bags of flour and…” I paused, thinking of what else I could do. 

“And?” He pressed. 

“There’s just too many things I can do. I can’t list all of them.” He rolled his eyes and shifted again, this time pulling my legs over his so our bodies were perpendicular. My back leaned on the arm of the couch, but his arm was also there to support me. 

“Starting tomorrow morning, I’m going to be gone for a while,” he looked down at me, suddenly more serious than before. I frowned, noting he had just gotten back from the capital this morning, but I knew I couldn’t be that selfish with our time. 

“How long?” He shrugged and lifted his hand to play with my hair just like I did to him. He was back to comfort mode once he had dropped this news to me. 

“I’m training the cadets for the maneuver we’re doing at the start of the year and there are more meetings here and in the capital. I also have some things I have to do for Erwin. It’s hard to say but three months minimum is my estimate.” My frown didn’t leave by face, but I sighed and nodded. No one had predicted that Wall Maria would fall, so there’s no way to control the volume of work the Scouts have. Especially Captain of the Scouts. 

“Can you at least wake me up when you leave tomorrow? I’ll say goodbye to you.” He nodded and I rested my head on his shoulder. 

“I’m sorry, I should have told you about it when I got here. Then I might have spared you the feelings you’re having right now.” My face went into a confused look and I didn’t look up at him. I was trying to think through what he meant by that. Was he referring to the sadness I was feeling about him being gone for so long? 

“Feeling what?”

“You know, whatever this is. Sitting here, holding each other; the feeling of being close. Now, you’ll have to wait months to feel it again because I’ll be gone.” I sensed that he was voicing his own feelings now, but I didn’t press him about it. 

“It’s called intimacy. The feeling of being close and wanting to be close to another person. And yes, I’ll miss it, but that doesn’t mean I can’t savor it now. It will make me want it more when you come back, too.” 

“I… I have that feeling as well.” I reached up and put a hand on his cheek, pulling him to look at me. 

“I’m glad you’re sharing your feelings with me now. I don’t have to guess anymore.” He glanced down at my lips once and on the inside I almost screamed. Was he going to do it? 

I had concluded that he had never been kissed in that manner before, if ever, and that’s why he was so confused and shocked the first time I did it. He didn’t know what to say or think and it short circuited his brain. Sleeping in the same bed together probably would end in the same result if I forced it on him. So, I silently vowed to myself that anything that intimate, I’d let him initiate it. That would let me know right away if he was comfortable or not, at least this early on. Once I knew what he was comfortable and uncomfortable with emotion and feeling wise, then it would be easier to read what he wants or needs in a situation. This cuddling was a huge gamble, but it seemed to pay off. 

He looked back up at me and closed his eyes. He didn’t move forward any and I just sat there in wait. 

“I want to do it, but I think if I did it now, it would be harder to leave. I can’t be thinking things like that when I’m training Scouts to fight titans.” Understandable, but, ugh, if I hadn’t taken that vow I would have leaned in by now. Longing for something you’ve already experienced is better than not having it at all. That was my conclusion. 

“I don’t agree, but I guess I understand you.” He pulled my head in and rested my chin on his shoulder. His arms slowly went around me and I realized he was hugging me, one arm on my waist, the other holding my head. I wrapped my hands around his torso a few seconds after, closing my eyes and taking in his scent so I wouldn’t forget it. 

“You should give me this shirt so I have something to remember you by. If you’re going to be gone for so long, I might just forget you.” He snorted and pulled me back so he could look at me in annoyance. 

“Why would I give you my shirt? I don’t have another one. And, you didn’t forget me the last three… where are you going?” I hopped up and went into my room, digging around the the only set of drawers I had. I recently washed it so it had to be folded in here somewhere.

“Ah, ha!” I yelled and walked out of my room with the shirt in my hands. I threw it at him and he caught it, unfolding it. His face looked even more annoyed once he realized what he was holding. 

“You can have that one back. Now give me,” I said holding out my hands to him. He sighed and stood up, turning his back to me, before unbuttoning and taking off his shirt. Well… he didn’t have to turn around. Annoying. 

“You can see that when I get back since you look so sad.” My eyes went wide and I didn’t know he was looking at me. Damnit, he got a blush point. When did he get so confident? I’d have to think of something to say back. I couldn’t let him win. Before I could, he tossed the button up over my head. I pulled it off, glaring at him playfully. 

“Hm, it’s not big enough to sleep in, so I guess I’ll just have to wear in to work. Hopefully, it doesn’t get dirty.” He clenched his jaw. 

“Where’s my gift? I’ve been so generous with you, giving you the clothes off my back… That portrait,” he pointed to a portrait that Mr. Flynn had drawn of me by a street vendor, “I want it.” The drawing was me, at the age of twelve, fresh out of the Underground. I looked annoyed and my hair was a mess, and I remember it was around the time Mr. Flynn was trying to teach me to like being above ground. Obviously, by the annoyed look on my face, I wasn’t enjoying standing there waiting for someone to draw me. It was an ugly drawing and he had no business wanting it. 

“Absolutely _not_. Pick something else.”

“No, I want that. It’s not a big request. I want you with me.” I rolled my eyes at him and I knew the only reason he wanted it now was to annoy me. I couldn’t let it happen. 

“You said you couldn’t even carry money with you. How are you supposed to fold that up and take it with?” He shrugged and advanced towards it. I put myself in between him and the drawing. 

“I’ll manage. Maybe, I’ll put it on my desk so I can look at it every day.” I glared at him again and even he couldn’t hide that evil laugh of his. I had to think of some way to redirect him. I looked around and saw his cape hanging by the door. Perfect. 

“Well, if you want me to be with you all the time, then here,” I walked over and grabbed his cape, and now it was his turn to be cautious of what I was doing. 

“What are you doing with my cape?” I walked to the kitchen and pulled out the thread from the junk drawer, going to work. The thread was black, so it wouldn’t be very noticeable on the dark green of the cape. It was a quick four stitches before he could walk over and try to grab it from me. I tied off the knot and handed it back to him. 

“It’s what we used to do to our clothes to make sure no one stole them. We claimed them as ours.” He picked up the bottom edge of the cape and looked at the letter. 

“This isn’t _your_ cape.” I leaned over the edge of the kitchen island and smirked up at him. 

“No, but _you’re_ mine. So I’m just marking that.” He scoffed, but kept looking at the tiny letter. It wasn’t noticeable at all unless you knew what you were looking for it, “Now you can’t get rid of that cape. You have to keep it forever.”

“M?” My smirk got wider and I had just given him a tiny in on my biggest secret. 

“The first letter of my real name.” 


	10. Request

“We only have a bag of flour to give you this time.” He handed me a bag smaller than any ones they had before. I knew this might be the last time they would give me anything for my bread, so I took it without any word, but not without a nasty look. The cloth tied around my mouth hid my frown from him as I looked down at the small bag that even had a hole in it. This wasn’t going to make more than twenty loaves and I knew I was quickly running out of my own supply. I had tried to use my extra money to stock up as harvest came, but the price of wheat flour was so ridiculous, only the government could afford it. They bought most of the stock themselves and were hiding it. This small bag of flour was probably scooped out of a big box as they laughed in tricking me. 

I walked out the doors of the stock yard, pausing as the soldiers carried out another covered body on the stretcher. I wondered if I could recognize the person if they showed me their face. I had started giving the people my own names and using the interactions I had with them to guess their positions in Shiganshina. Some refugees were nice and would have a conversation with me while I ate my allotted rations on the edge of the stage they set up. It was a precaution so the refugees couldn’t run and push over the food stand like they had done a few months previous. It happened on my day off, so I wasn’t there to see it happen, but the next day, a stage had already been built with stairs that forced them into single file lines. If they pushed each other, the Garrison now had an above view to punish and hit those who forced themselves in line. 

I had conversations with some children and taught them a hand game from my youth to pass the time. Some of their parents would talk to me too, if they were young, and ask about the situation outside of the stockyard. Since violence had increased outside the barracks, they easily found a scapegoat and restricted the refugees to only the stockyard. It had no effect on the violence, but it seems the citizens of Trost found comfort in having someone to blame for the slow downfall of humanity. 

The trio never talked to me. Their grandfather always greeted me with a smile in line and I would give him the four loaves of bread for the children. The boy, Eren Jaeger, would get into fights with the guards more and more, but he would always be pushed to the ground or saved by the girl. It reminded me so much of myself. Was he getting beat up because it was something to do? Maybe it was the only thing that would make him feel something throughout the day. I desperately wanted to approach them and talk to them, but I never was able too. As soon as I would spot them, they’d disappear to some place in the stockyard and the smaller children would crowd around me to play the “clapping game” as they called it. 

Everyday I walked home alone, knife gripped in my pocket, I thought of what I would say to Eren Jaeger if he ever was thrown on my doorstep. He probably wouldn’t care for the pity of an older woman who had no relation to him. He also probably wouldn’t care about my time in the Underground and how I thought he acted like I did. I had made a game plan and everyday would go over it and tweak some parts. I’d have the trio help me make bread, talking to them about anything. Slowly, I’d tell them I was an orphan and maybe find some relation with them. The only adult figure around them seemed to be the grandfather and that made me wary because of the situation they came from. Their parents were no doubt killed by titans. 

I took the cloth off of my mouth as I got far enough away from the stockyard and took a deep breath of the slowly freezing air. It was going to get cold again, but the farmers had predicted a nicer winter than last year. We’d be lucky to get any snow this time, but it was better because they could chance growing more late winter crops. I decided that for the end of the year, I might as well open my shop and keep the tradition of year-end and winter pastries, hoping people would buy even without the fresh fruit. Another motivation is that some of my supplies were going to go bad and I didn’t want to lose more money than I had already. People like something sweet when they’re going through a bad time, so I’d hope they’d want my sweets. 

“Eva! Eva! Eva!” I looked up and saw Elias running towards me, paper in hand. He had a growth spurt over the summer and fall months, and now he was almost to my chin. His hair was also much too long, but he wouldn’t let me cut it because apparently the other boys at school also had hair like his. During summer and current late fall, I had taken them in pretty much everyday, commissioning them to make bread with me and giving them a few slices. Since Wall Maria had fallen, their parents had gone a bit crazy and so had a lot of other people in Trost. The Order of the Walls had grown into a huge following and not just a tiny cult anymore. They were going to build a church soon in the city square and the kid’s father was too busy with that to care for the proper needs of his children. I mended their clothes, helped them with homework, and even let them sleep on my couch when they got a little too full after dinner. Their parents didn’t even notice their absence when I brought them back home. 

“Yes, Elias?” He pushed a piece of paper into my hands and I saw the hundred percent he had gotten on the spelling test we had worked on together. I was awful at spelling, but I knew enough to help him. We would use flour, spread out on the table, to practice spelling words. This past list was increasingly difficult and I had to even look at it again a few times. 

“I got a perfect score on the spelling test!” his smile beamed up at me and made me stop thinking about the year-end and the refugees for a few seconds. 

“I’m proud of you Elias. You practiced hard for this.” He started following me back to the café and I knew he probably would want to come in and do his homework on Levi’s table. It was funny that Elias had such an unconscious affinity for him. His favorite toy was still the horse, he would sit at his table and do homework, and he started drinking tea because I refused him coffee. When Elias sat at the table doing his homework, it helped to fill the void that was left. 

Levi hadn’t returned in four months, almost five this coming Monday. The only thing I had was the button down and two letters he had sent before his work consumed him. I was waiting on a reply from a letter I had sent maybe three months ago. I knew that he was still alive and right outside of Trost, but only cadets would come in and out for refugee security. Everyday, I would hear them open the gates a six and I would open the window of my apartment, hoping to see him on his horse. I’ve probably watched the Scout cadets come into Trost so much, they must know my face by now. 

I missed him. 

Elias grabbed my hand unconsciously as we walked and broke me out of my thoughts for a second time. It seemed that there were three reasons I woke up everyday. The refugees, the kids, and the Scouts. It’s good that I had things to live for now. 

“Can I do my schoolwork in your café, Eva? There’s a lot of people over at Daddy’s house today and June’s at the bookstore.” June had recently got an apprenticeship at the book binder’s shop as he had no sons to pass it down to. I had given him the recommendation and once he saw the knowledge June had about books, he accepted her in. She was mostly selling books to people, proving her worth to the book binder, before she got to learn the secrets. Sometimes she would bring back broken books he had given her and think of the ways she would fix it. I was surprised at how close she actually was in her guesses. However, her new job had left Elias to fend for himself and grow up now without his sister at his side. He would play with friends, but once they had to go home, he was by himself. I was happy to indulge him in anything he wanted to do since I was alone too. We’d be lonely together. 

“Of course, Elias. We can go pick up June when she’s finished too.” That was good enough for him and he ran ahead, turning right out of the alleyway to get to the door of the café. I wonder who would fill my days once Elias was old enough to gain an apprenticeship. Jonas would be off somewhere delivering, the kids would be gone, and Levi would be on some expedition. Maybe I’ll get a cat.

“E-Eva?” I turned the corner and stopped walking to survey the scene. My stomach instantly dropped and I felt like I wanted to throw up. Why were these two here? Elias looked up and the tall, blonde man, instantly recognizing him. Their faces didn’t seem distressed and they were just leaning against the wall of the café, horses tied to the wooden posts. He can’t be gone, I would have felt it.

“Miss Evylnn Flynn?” He was the first to speak up and Hange kicked herself off the wall, wagging her finger at me. 

“I knew you were lying to me! _Both_ of you!” They weren’t sad or upset. He had to be fine, but why were they here and not him? I can’t say I wasn’t disappointed to not see him behind Erwin’s shadow.

“Miss Flynn, we would like to have a word with you in private?” Erwin gestured to the door of the café and I swallowed hard. Was I in trouble? Why is the Commander here to talk to me in private? 

“Elias, you can go up to my apartment and do your school work on my desk. I’ll come up and get you when I’m done talking to the Commander.” Elias looked back at me, his eyes whimsical. He was pretty much meeting his hero and I was pushing him away from it. Erwin looked down at the boy and smiled. To pay him for listening, I’d ask Erwin to talk to Elias. If he had time to come and talk to me personally, he could spend five more minutes to entertain Elias.

“Can you do that for us, Elias? I promise it won’t take too long.” He nodded rapidly and Erwin reached down to fluff his hair. As soon as he was done, Elias ran up the stairs to my apartment, shutting the door with a slam. I’d have yelled at him if I wasn’t in this situation. My heart was speeding up and, if they could, my palms would be sweating. 

“Miss Flynn?” Erwin turned and gestured to the café door again. I nodded once and walked over, unlocking the door and leading them both in. What could they want? My mind was running through a hundred scenarios. Most of them ended with something happening to Levi. The other popular answer was that I was somehow in trouble. 

Once the door closed behind me, I got the nerve to turn around and smile at them. Hange’s presence made me slightly more comfortable, but this was the first time I had met Erwin. His energy was completely overwhelming and even if he looked nice, you could tell the amount of power he had. It was like the positive version of Levi. 

“Can I get you two anything to drink?” I whipped my hands on my jacket, looking to the floor. 

“Do you have any juice? I’m so thirsty, I barely had time for lunch!” I smiled a bit at Hange and walked over to the icebox I had. The only consumers of the juice were Elias and June, so it was nice to give it to someone else. 

“C-Commander?” I asked, silently cursing at my stutter. How was he more intimidating to me than Levi had ever been? He smiled at me and nodded before sitting down at the center table. I picked out another glass bottle and took one for myself. Hopefully they liked orange.

They both were just staring at me, waiting for me to come and join them. I handed them the juice and paused for a few seconds before sitting down. They both seemed so relaxed and I was exactly the opposite. My hands were fidgeting under the table and I dare not look at Erwin. Levi would probably yell at me for how shy and weak I seemed to them. Hange even downed her juice and let out a big ‘ah’ as she slammed it down on the table while we sat there. Only then, I realized the thin film of dust on the table. If Levi found out I sat his Commander on a dirty table, it would be over for me.

“Miss Flynn-”

“Eva. You can call me Eva. If we’re going to be seeing each other multiple times, it’s better to be one first name basis.” He smiled a bit, probably to calm me down, and continued. 

“Well, Eva… I don’t know how to begin this conversation, but I believe I can start by asking you what your relationship with Captain Levi is?” I blinked and looked at Hange. She was leaning forward, smiling at me, expectant at my answer. Had they found out? Was there a reason Levi might have told them about us? What if there’s only suspicion and I’m the one who outs us because I wasn’t careful? Was Erwin trying to intimidate me off of a hunch Hange had? 

“Why are you asking?” I wasn’t going to give them a straight answer. Erwin smiled a bit, a genuine one this time, and put one hand up.

“We have no ill will with the conversation. Both Hange and I are just curious about the situation our Captain may be in. The way you answer, however, might lead to some concerns.” Well, that makes me not want to answer your question, Commander. I took a sip of my juice before sitting up straight again. If we were to have this conversation, it would have to seem like I was being truthful. My hands were still shaking as I sat them on my lap.

“What has the Captain said?” Hange almost jumped out of her chair.

“Barely _anything_! I’m aching to know how Levi is when he’s with you! Is he a cuddler? Does he know nothing about relationships?” My eyes widened at her answer and it made me believe that he had to have said something to them. But, why? Did they back him into a corner?

“I’m sorry to disappoint, but the Captain and I are only friends. I haven’t seen him in over four months since I closed my café.” Hange leaned back in her chair and laughed crazily. I was starting to see what Levi meant. 

“I appreciate the loyalty you have to Levi’s and your private life, however, he has already informed us of you two’s relationship. We are only finding time now to come and visit, but we’ve known for a month.” I choked on my juice at Erwin’s words and wiped my mouth, swallowing hard. 

“He… did?” It was squeak and that got Hange laughing even more. So, how did they know if they were being truthful? Erwin nodded and handed me a handkerchief from his coat pocket. I thanked him and wiped the leftover juice off my hands.

“He believed it best that, as the Commander, that I know about your existence for various reasons. Hange also happened to be in the room because she is the only person who has officially met you and vogue for your personality. I had no idea about your visit to the Scout Headquarters until yesterday and that is a security risk.” I nodded and tried to calm down my racing heart. It was… interesting to finally have someone know about our relationship. Especially the Commander of the Scout’s. It was also concerning that the one who gossips the most in the Scouts also holds that information. Levi had told me how Hange revealed weekly who was having sex with who during boring meetings. 

“May I ask, what were his reasonings?” 

“As Commander of the Scout Regiment, I am the first line of defense for my soldiers. I pledge to protect them as best I can within our job description. This pledge of protection goes to their families and loved ones as well. I believe it to be Captain Levi’s intention that you are also under this hedge of protection concerning this period of political and societal unrest we are currently experiencing. He told us about a recent mishap you had with the refugees in Trost.” 

“Oh, yes, that makes sense.” He shifted in his chair and pulled out an envelope from his jacket. 

“Another reason is that I have personal services that deliver mail much faster than the average carrier and much more secretive as well. Currently, the Scout’s are being monitored for reasons I cannot reveal to you. He believes, and I concur, that if your existence is publicized to the government, you could be used as bait or a bargaining chip. Some in the government are not happy with Captain Levi’s placement and rank in the Scouts and the repercussions of his past come back to haunt him. If not now, sometime in the future.” I took the envelope off the table and recognized Levi’s wispy handwriting. A response to my letter. This made my heart sing with joy. He hadn’t forgotten to write back, but he was pushed in a difficult situation that didn’t allow him to. I shouldn’t have doubted him so much.

“Did the monitoring begin around three months ago?” He nodded and I noticed Hange was looking between be and the letter. She’s very curious about Levi’s private life, and I couldn’t blame her. I had been that interested in him as soon as he walked into my café. 

“There is information that the Scout’s have been given that can be perceived as a huge security threat if society gets wind of it. I also agree with the government’s judgement on that and am trying my best to limit security breaches in the Scouts.” That’s when the real reason they were here hit me. It wasn’t to deliver a letter and oogle at our relationship. I was a security threat to them. I was in trouble. My mind went back to the night Levi and I had before he left. Had he told them about that too? How much has he said?

“I see. That is why you came here today, I assume.” I looked him right in the eyes and he didn’t seem to have any anger in them. I remembered Levi and I’s conversation about Erwin. I wasn’t going to know at all what he was thinking until he specifically told me.

“I have known Levi enough to build trust with him. I trust him with information that is top secret and dangerous for society. If certain things get out, it could cause riots and more civil unrest as the expense of the Scouts. Levi has told me that you support the Scout’s endeavors the most out of any branch of the military. I hope that the support you have for us also translates into loyalty.” He didn’t blink, waiting for my response. 

“He hasn’t told me anything of that nature, Commander. The only thing he has told me is that he cannot morally support whatever the Scout’s are doing at the beginning of the coming year.” Hange seemed to let out a sigh of relief and I even saw Erwin sit back an inch. I understood why they might be on edge about that. They have no idea how Levi is when he is with someone like me and I am someone who frequents the refugee camps. 

“Yes, that seems to be a common theme among our officers. However, we do not have the power needed to fight back against orders directly from the government. I hope that once the plans reach the public ear, your support of the Scouts and Captain Levi doesn’t waiver. It would be a shame for the Captain to have a good thing leave him for something that he didn’t have a choice in.” I took another breath and noticed my heart was slowing down. I wasn’t going to be thrown in some dungeon and tortured for the information I don’t know. That made me feel better about this conversation. 

“Now, I must plainly state the requests we have for you. They shouldn’t be unreasonable, but I will say this is the first time we’ve had someone of Captain Levi’s rank be involved with a normal citizen. I think you can see why we have the need to be cautious and explain common Scout things to someone who isn’t in our place. You could be a security threat if you do not know proper protocol.” That was only slightly demeaning. 

“Yes, Commander. I do understand the need for me to know what I can and cannot do or say.” He smiled again and it amazed me the duality he had. He made you feel welcomed with his smile, and then completely intimidated with his status and demeanor. 

“As you are in a relationship with someone who is given classified information on a daily basis, it can be possible for it to easily slip out of Levi when he isn’t thinking. We ask you not to repeat anything you hear from Levi, even if you disagree with it. There may come a time when people you know are involved or put in danger by the operations of the Royal Government, therefore I’m asking you to bear some of the pain of a Scout officer in these situations.” 

“It seems you’re setting me up for the coming year, Commander… or at least you have a situation in mind _currently_.” Hange smirked and pointed at me. 

“You’re smart, Eva. I can see how you might last around Levi’s.” I wonder what they think Levi and I’s interactions are. They probably don’t think I’m the one who makes him suffer with my words more than he does me. Imagine if they knew how much I made their Captain blush. I smiled thinking about it. 

“The next request. As I extend my protection to you, I request you do the same to Levi and any Scout who is in need of assistance. Captain Levi was once a wanted man, and the government could easily turn their back on him if they deem it worthy of their agenda. There might come a time where you will have to shield or protect Levi or members of the Scout Regiment from the Royal Government. I’m best stating that, as someone in a relationship with the Captain, you may need to lie and commit treason for his or our safety. You are a part of the Scout Regiment now, and that is some of the responsibility that comes with it.” I sat there and thought that one over. It was a huge request, but not one that would easily deter me from Levi and the Scouts. I thought of the Garrison soldiers kicking down Eren Jaeger everyday, or Mitras not dispatching any MPs or food supplies to the districts struggling to stay alive. If I knew it was for the better, I could easily betray them. I owe nothing to the government.

“You don’t have to accept this right awa-” I shook my head and stopped him. 

“No, I can do that. The government has never done anything for me. I can easily betray them for a cause and people I believe in.” This made both of them smile instantly. 

“Levi was right, your loyalty and regard seems to be astounding, Eva. I believe he has found a fine woman to be with.” I looked down at my hands, trying to hide the blush with my hair. I don’t know why that compliment hit me the way it did, but people admiring our hidden relationship made me happy, I guess. Especially the Commander. It wouldn’t happen much more than this, so I should savor it.

“Am I able to make requests, Commander?” I looked up at him again when my blush subsided. 

“Erwin. You can call me Erwin, and I will try my best to accept them. If it is something I cannot do, I will have to refuse. Our positions of freedom are very different, Eva.” I nodded and took another sip of my juice. There has been something bothering me since Levi and I had talked about Erwin. 

“If you are asking me to put my life and reputation on the line for the Scouts and Levi, I must request that equally. I understand you cannot predict the outcome of expeditions, and I know we both know that Levi won’t die simply because of that. I’m specifically asking for you to protect him against the government.” He crossed his arms and I still couldn’t tell what he was thinking.

“I don’t think I know what you mean, Eva. You can’t be asking me to commit treason for one soldier? I am unable to do that.” I shook my head at him and formulated my next sentences. I also had a specific scenario in my mind. 

“If the government asks something of Levi that would lead to his certain death, no matter how it will help society, I want you to do everything you can to protect him from that fate. Refuse his service. Discharge him from the Scouts. Anything it takes. I know he’ll take it, no matter what they give him, but I want to be selfish for him. He’s too valuable to humanity to be lost in such a simple manner. ” 

“It seems you’re setting me up for something, Eva… or at least you have a situation in mind currently,” he mimicked my words and it made me smirk a bit. We could play the same game with each other. It felt nice to be able to be on the same level with him right now unlike the last few minutes. We were bartering back and forth. I was in my element. I could never match his strategy or intelligence, but I knew how to make a deal. 

“Secondly, give him more breaks. Every time I see him he’s tired and complaining about the amount of paperwork he has to do. I haven’t seen him in person in almost five months because of whatever you seem to be planning. At least a monthly break. You know how he gets when he’s overworked.” This made Hange laugh again and I noticed then how quiet she had been throughout Erwin’s requests. It made me think how intelligent she was as well. All the officers must be. She had her quirks, but she knew when to be serious.

“That… that is something I cannot promise you. I can try my hardest, but when we are as busy as we are now, I cannot let anyone slack off because their family requested it. You must see I have to be fair about it.” I frowned, not liking that answer, but I knew he wasn’t going to change that. I was being more selfish than I could be right now. I even had one more, morbid request to get through. This one was one that I had thought about over the last few months. What if. 

“Lastly, if Levi does die, I want you to tell me directly, Erwin,” I looked up, locking eyes with him to make sure he knew how important this request was, “I won’t believe any random cadet or Garrison soldier who comes to deliver the news and I won’t believe it if I don’t see him come back with the rest. I’ll make up excuses and scenarios. I want you to tell me personally that he’s finally gone and let me go get his things from the HQ. If it comes from you, I know it’s true. It doesn’t have to be in person, a letter would suffice, but I want it directly from you Erwin,” my eyes were pleading for him to accept, “Can you do that?” He looked back at me after thinking for a few moments. 

“Yes, I can do that, Eva. However, a letter can easily be copied and someone can steal my signature. If I do send you something… I’ll send it along with my bolo tie,” He pointed to the green orb on a cord around his neck, “I can’t assure how quickly the news will come, but you will be the first civilian to know. This request, however, I have no anticipation of needing to do any of this.” I nodded, accepting that answer. We both had equal confidence in Levi’s ability.

“Thank you… Erwin.” I sat up and looked to Hange, waiting for her to say something. She had been leaning more and more forward as I talked through my requests. She wanted to say something, but wouldn’t interrupt her Commander for it. 

“Oh, it is my turn! I only have one request for you and then a ton of questions to ask you! Is that okay? I know you have the kid to take care of. By the way, son? Brother? Who is he?” I held my hands up and shook them ‘no’ when she said son. 

“He’s just a boy I watch because his parents don’t. I take care of him and feed him. He has an older sister, too.” 

“Ah,” Erwin nodded, “Captain Levi also told me you take kids off the street and give them a second chance. Is he one of those children?” I raised an eyebrow. 

“No, he has a home and family. What else has Levi told you about me?” I didn’t know we were just giving out information about each other to people. Hange answered my question again. 

“You own a café where he gets tea. It’s your past caretakers café. You were given it after he died. Uh, what did he say about your character? He said you’re fiercely loyal, which is definitely true, and that you’re very charitable, hence taking care of the kids. He didn’t say it all nicely like that, but I think you can guess how he said it.” 

“He said something to the effect of ‘She has this awful part of her where she puts all her faith in anyone and takes in brats to give them a second chance’, which, I understand why Levi sees that as a bad thing, but I find it nice to be charitable.” It made me laugh for the first time, Erwin trying to mimic Levi’s tone of voice.

“My request!” Hange hit the table, like she just remembered that she had one to give. I wonder how crazy this one was going to be. 

“I’ll try my best, Hange.” 

“My request is that you make him happy,” My heart skipped a little when she said that and she continued after she heard no protest, “We don’t know much about him or the way he thinks, but we do know what he’s been through. The expedition before he met you, his two friends from the Underground were eaten by titans when he wasn’t there to save them. He was getting so temperamental and would blow his lid at anyone just like that when we came back. No one could blame him, he had just lost his friends to titans and he found out that he didn’t even need to. There are a lot of details, but I’ll leave that to Levi. Anyways, we needed to get him out of HQ, so I recommended this café because I think your strawberry turnovers are excellent! After he came here, he started to change. Mellow out as much as Levi could. All the officers started wondering why he’d changed so rapidly and we thought he was sneaking out to go drink himself to death. Then, I saw you at the year-end festival with him. I knew then it was you, and think of the amazing confirmation he gave me when he kept requesting me to go get you after his injury!” I felt tears well up in my eyes for some reason. I remembered how he looked when he walked in: tired from death. I didn’t know it was the death of his friends that made him that way, and here I was trying to tease him over some tea. I was such an idiot. 

“I think you’ve made Captain Levi feel something he’s never felt before. He still acts the same towards us because he has to keep up this façade, but with you, I’m sure he’s completely different. Actually, he has gotten more relaxed around the cadets and makes them run a bit less. Slowly, your impact is breaking into his everyday life. So, my request is that you keep doing that. He’s a broken kid, but he’s found someone to heal him. That’s what he told us you do, isn’t it?” The way Hange was looking at me, I just wanted to cry then. I don’t think anyone’s ever said something like that to me. She’s putting me at such high regard for something that I so desperately want to do for others. It was a confirming moment telling me that I was doing something right. 

“I-I promise, Hange.” Her smile grew bigger and Erwin slowly stood up, signaling her it was time to go. I stood up too, but held my hand up to him.

“Yes?” 

“I have a last, small request for you, Erwin. That little boy, basically as Commander of the Scouts, you’re his hero. He’s starting to have this obsession with them ever since I got him this toy. If you could just talk to him for a bit and tell him about the Scouts? You know, minus the bad things?” He huffed once in laughter and agreed to do it. When I yelled to call Elias down stairs, he almost fell on his face when he tripped on the kitchen door. He looked up at Erwin expectantly. 

“Elias,” I put my hands on his shoulders, pushing him forward, “This is my friend Commander Erwin. He knows how much you like the Scouts and can tell you about it if you want…” I trailed off at the end, but Elias had already ran up to Erwin, looking up at the man three times his size. 

“How big is a titan?!” I smiled as the two blonde haired boys sat.

Hange came over to the counter where I was sitting and hopped up there with me. I didn’t mind and made room for her, staring at the interaction that was happening in front of us. Elias was even showing him the toy I had bought. 

“So… What does Levi think about the kids?” She so badly wanted to prod Levi’s brain and find out how he ticks, but she’d have to do it through me. Now that they knew everything, I’d guess I’d tell her a little bit. 

“Levi bought him that horse. Elias doesn’t know it, but Levi said he wanted an eight year old boy to have what he wanted at that age. He’s only talked to June once I think, but he helped her win over some boys in her class. I don’t think he could tolerate Elias’s questions as much as Erwin is doing right now though.” She nodded.

“When you two have kids of your own, I think he’ll like them a bit better than he does other people’s kids.” I choked on the air and coughed loud enough that both Erwin and Elias stopped their conversation and looked over at us. Hange just waved them off and patted my back. Kids? He hasn’t even kissed me yet. 

“Hange, we’ve only been together for a few months, and for most of them I haven’t even seen him.” She shrugged and gave me her crazy smile again. 

“I don’t know, you two seem pretty compatible. Now, I haven’t seen you interact, but from what I can tell, you like each other enough. I’ve never seen someone hang around Levi as long as you have. Mark my words, you’ll have cute kids. I want to help name one!” I gave her a crazy look, willing her to stop talking about the topic. Imagine if she mentioned it to Levi, how irate he would be with her. I can’t even talk about sleeping in the same bed with him. 

“Hange, we’re not-” Erwin stood up and patted Elias’s head again. Thank gods they were done. I don’t know if I could deal with any more of Hange’s future visions and questions. Is this how Levi feels with me?

“Hange, it’s time for us to get back. We have another meeting soon and Levi’s waiting to reprimand us for coming here when he said not to.” She puffed out air like she wanted to continue our conversation further, but hopped off the counter and walked to the door with Erwin. 

“It was good meeting you, Eva. I’m sure we will have many more of these in the future.” 

“Bye, Eva! Bye, Elias! Don’t worry, Eva, he’ll be home soon! Hold on a bit more!” Hange screamed as she walked out the door behind Erwin. I could still hear her gossiping as they got on their horses and rode off back to HQ. 

“Eva, why did they want to talk to you?” Elias broke the silence as I stared at the door. Home. He’ll be home. Was I home? 

“Elias, can you keep a secret? A super, super top secret that no one else can know?” His eyes widened and he nodded over and over again. 

“Yes, I can. I promise!” I smiled down at him and ruffled his hair a bit more. 

“Even Erwin doesn’t want you to tell this secret to anyone.” That got the boy more excited to know, and I knew it would keep his mouth shut. 

“I promise! Tell me, tell me, tell me!” If Levi had already told two people, I guess I could too. What’s the harm in telling an eight year old boy? 

“Captain Levi and I are together.” He pulled a weird face, sitting down at the table and pulling out his school work. His excitement immediately dropped away.

“That’s it? I thought it was going to be a fun secret, Eva.” This little boy is incredible. The first person I tell, and he could care less.

“You’re the only person in Trost who knows, Elias. It is a fun secret!” I tried to defend my relationship in front of the eight-year-old. I guess he was picky on which Scouts he liked. 

“Eva, can I have some juice please?” I gave him an annoyed look as he completely skipped over the subject. I should’ve told June first and not a little boy who still thinks girls have cooties. 

“No, you can have it after you finish your homework.” He groaned at my payback and shifted back and forth in his chair. I didn’t waiver and decided to ignore his pleas in favor of reading the letter I had been anticipating for months. 

His handwriting was so nice and I wondered even who taught him how to write so well in the first place. My handwriting was awful because the orphanage had a limited budget for pencils and teachers. I could barely read cursive and only used it to sign my name. When I told Levi this is a response to his first letter, he had laughed at me in his reply, but wrote it all in print for me. Even his print was perfect. It made me annoyed, but they were pretty to look at in addition to their contents. They weren’t love letters by any means, but they were nice to receive and imagine what he was doing. 

_Dear Mara (This one doesn’t seem to fit your face, but it’s the only one I could think of),_

_As you requested in your last letter, for some reason, my daily routine:_

_4 AM - I am either up or wake up from an hour or two of sleep to take a shower. The water pressure is the best at this time as no one is taking one._

_5 AM - I make myself tea, now, it’s the peppermint you sent me. I thank you for that, but now my tongue can’t stand any other flavor that’s not on par with it. I’ll light a candle and do some light paperwork and plan the morning workout for the cadets, waiting for the sun._

_6 AM - The cadets have 30 minutes to get ready in full gear and come to eat breakfast until seven. I eat early, limiting the interactions I have with Hange as she’s loud in the morning._

_7:30 AM - Training starts with a morning run and workout. They might do hand-to-hand after or work on ODM. Whatever I feel like sitting and watching that day, I make them do. On the days when they’re getting really annoying, I’ll make them practice ground maneuvers since it’s hard to kill titans with no trees. Recently, we’ve been starting to go over formations for the mission I can’t tell you about._

_12 PM - We eat lunch, and recently it’s been bad. The food shortage has hurt our stock and I know the Garrison probably laughs at us as they get to eat meat. We ran out of meat last week._

_From then on, the cadets have classroom work to do to memorize our signals and formations. I usually do more paperwork and we have officer meetings over and over again until dinner at six. After that, surprise, paperwork again. We went to the capital to get talked over again last week, so that was a break in my routine, but other than that I do paperwork until my eyes hurt, then I’ll go make more tea and take some biscuits from the canteen. Sometimes there are small disputes I have to settle, cadets to discipline, or one-on-one meetings with Erwin. Recently, he’s asked me if I want to create a Special Operations Team with the best Scouts for the next mission and beyond. I’ve been studying and reading over the files of each Scout. Maybe, you can help me form the team if I come across any trouble picking, but it’s not like there are many to choose from._

_I plan to tell Erwin about our relationship soon. During our meetings in the capital, my position is always questioned and threatened by the four heads of the Royal Government. If they find out about any weakness, not that you are weak now that I’ve trained you, they might use that against me. If I tell Erwin about you, he can give you certain protections. Other than him, I have no intention of telling anyone else and it hasn’t seemed to come up in regular conversation. Hange always has something off to the side to say about you, and I suspect she knows something, but she keeps quiet around others. If she doesn’t keep her mouth shut, you might not hear from her again. Perhaps I will tell my Special Ops Team since trust is needed for a team to work, but that won’t be for another few months or even a year._

_You asked me if I needed anything and currently, I would like a bit more tea, if possible. I’m limiting myself to three cups a day since my tea leaves are dwindling. I’m struggling without you and your tea, but I know you can’t ship yourself here through the carrier system. I was right about the cuddling… I miss it and it does make it difficult to try and sleep, knowing a much more comfortable option exists. I won’t go on more because I don’t miss your teasing. Hopefully, I will see you in the next month’s time, but right now, it seems the Royal Government is about to monitor us. Going back and forth to you might harm you, and I won’t risk that. It’s helped, this feeling of missing you, by the cadets used for refugee security. It’s been reported almost everyday that a light-brown haired woman, no older than 30 with light green eyes leans out a window about a café with a red lettered sign and stares at the Scouts coming in during the sunrise. I knew right away it was you. I hope you’re getting enough sleep and not being irresponsible with the amount of hours you work on the refugee’s bread._

_I must now go to another officer’s meeting in Erwin’s office to discuss something boring. I’d rather be helping you knead dough for a thousand loaves then sit in his office one more time._

_My questions for you: Has the Garrison brought those brats you said to sponsor over yet? Have you decided to open back up the café? Has the girl gotten her apprenticeship? Have you told Jonas that if he touches you one more time while I’m going, I will break his fingers? You said you might cut your hair, is this true? Have you yet?_

_Till your next letter and next delivery of twenty grams of peppermint tea,_

_Captain Levi_


	11. Break Up

“A little higher, yes, right there! Now to the left, put the nail right below that truss. _Perfect!_ I’ll hand you the sign.” I reached down and picked up the newly polished piece of wood with the cafe’s name on it in a fresh coat of paint for the year-end opening. 

_Flynn’s_

Jonas took it in his hands and hung it up on the new wooden post. This time, it would hang off over the street so that people could see where we were. Before, the sign was nailed next to the door and was now fading drastically. While I kept the old sign there for memories, the new sign was a fresh red color and had been sealed by the carpenter to make sure it lasted longer than the last one. It was something I had meant to do for years, but never got around to it. Now that I was just sitting and making bread for the refugees, I had time to design the shape and font I wanted. The sign was a light wooden rectangle with dark, red cursive lettering and had another small circular sign with a cup of tea attached to it, indicating we were a café. 

“It looks nice, Eva. You picked a good wood to contrast the letters,” Ben marveled up at it as Jonas came down from his ladder. Whenever I had added or changed something about the café, I asked Ben his thoughts about it, seeing he was the only one, second to me, who cared the most about it. When I went to him saying I was buying a new sign, he rejoiced. 

Jonas shoved his hands in his pockets and looked up at it too. He couldn’t grasp why this was such a monumental change to Ben and I who had to fight Mr. Flynn to even make a sign in the first place. There weren’t many visitors to Trost when he had built the café, but when we came along, things were changing and he hated it. The first time Catrin gave out fresh squeezed juice, he grumbled about it for weeks saying a café should just have bread and coffee. It was funny, but if we left Mr. Flynn alone with his precious café, he would have ran it into the _ground._

“You think he hates it?” I looked up to Ben and he nodded and mirrored Jonas’s stance. There was almost some undertone of weirdness being friends with Jonas because when he hit puberty, he morphed into a younger version of Ben. It was also a bit awkward that the mirror image of my brother still had feelings for me. Maybe that was one of the reasons I didn’t see Jonas as someone other than my best friend or another brother. They looked too similar.

“Most definitely. The old man is rolling in his grave right now. I wouldn’t be surprised if a strong winter wind knocked it down.” We stood there for a few, marveling at the sign as the sun went down. Jonas was the first one to whine it was too cold and we took that as a sign to go back into the café. I still had to clean up and get ready for opening tomorrow. Ben and Jonas had promised to help me run the café tomorrow to hold off the rush of people coming. 

When I took out an add in the paper to announce my holiday hours, people had flocked to my door, there to confirm if the newspaper was right. When I told them I was, in fact, opening back for year-end only, people were already trying to put in orders. I think the people of Trost wanted normal back, and my café would give them some of it. 

“So the Garrison just dropped you like that? Without any warning?” Jonas swept some dirt into the dust pan. 

“It wasn’t like, out of the blue. I knew it was coming. They have nothing to give me for pay and I demanded pay. I would have done it for a few more weeks as well, just for the refugee’s sake, but with the allotted flour for year-end, I just couldn’t continue without them giving me their stores. I wish they did it a little after year-end though so I could have brought pastries to the refugees. Maybe next year will be a better harvest.” Ben looked up from the book he was reading and moved his feet so Jonas could sweep under them. Jonas mumbled something under his breath about his father not doing anything, but he left it unnoticed. 

“Could you just show up with some things? Maybe you could make enough to give the children?” Ben had also worked closely with the refugees, trying to help outsource jobs and employment opportunities for them when people still trusted them. By now, no one would take in refugees for work. 

“No, they aren’t letting any outsiders into the stockyards now. That might be another reason I can’t make bread anymore. I have no idea why they’re doing that, and I hope it’s not another isolation policy because Trost citizens are complaining again. I even asked a person in the Garrison who likes me, and he said he couldn’t say.” Jonas, again, grumbled something under his breath, probably about the refugees, and I threw a rag at his head. 

“Hey!” 

“You are almost thirty years old and have no regard for other human lives. _Tch!_ ” He threw the rag back at me a little harder and glared. Ben just looked on, smirking at the two kids he was used to bickering back and forth. Ben had said the first day he introduced Jonas to me, he knew we’d be best friends and perfect enemies.

“Well, we always seem to forget that two refugees _attacked_ you and that our food supply is little to none because we have to give half of it to them. It’s not just Trost either, Aunt Catrin told us that Stohess is also struggling with the weight of a whole district. We’ll be starved by next spring, the titans won’t even want to eat us!” I put down my rag and just sighed, glaring at him as he swept quickly, wanting to get out of the café. Jonas had broken up with his third girlfriend of the year and he wasn’t in the mood to have a heated argument session with the girl that was still pushing him away. That was the reason she had broken up with him: he still had feelings for me. I was afraid to bring up Levi to him because of this, but I wanted to tell him. Everyday, I would get more and more uncomfortable lying to him.

“I’m sure the titans don’t want to eat you anyways, Jonas.” He stopped sweeping, glaring at the ground. Uh oh. 

“I guess no one wants me then.” It was Ben’s turn to widen his eyes at his son’s sadness. He had spent a few minutes lecturing Jonas about how long it took Ben to find Analee, but it didn’t help soothe his sadness. In all honesty, Analee was Ben’s first girlfriend and he got her pregnant before they were even married and both eighteen. He wasn’t the right person to give his son advice and neither was I. We both agreed to just forget Jonas said that and move on with whatever we were doing. 

“Well, you two, I’m going to get back home. Your sister was adamant I help her build that new desk before tomorrow. I’ll be here tomorrow at opening, Eva, like old times. Don’t come back late Jonas, or you’ll wake up your mother.” I smiled up him, casting away the mood Jonas put me in, and waved to my brother. Ben and I were the closest, probably because of our locations too, and I always felt calm when he was around me. He was the most like Mr. Flynn. Jonas was such the opposite, and I’d always wondered how Ben had made him.

When he left and the bell stopped ringing above the door, Jonas and I just let the silence consume us. At this point, he wasn’t even sweeping up dirt, but he didn’t want to talk to me in the bad mood he was in. Did she really have to break up with him when I was about to spend every day of the next week with him? It had nothing to do with his feelings for me, but everything to do with the awful mood he’d be in. Last break up, I had to pull him from the bar at least three times, waste a pale of water to sober him up, and he fell asleep completely on top of me, cutting off my breathing. I had told Levi about this and he threatened to break off his fingers in letter form, even if it was back when we were eighteen. Levi gave Jonas no chances.

“How many people do you think will be here tomorrow?” He broke the silence first and I was glad he’d changed the subject. I could talk to a regulars Jonas.

“I couldn’t say. I’ve had at least thirty come to the café in the past week asking. I don’t think there will be a lot of people at the tables, but most will be coming in and out.” He nodded and set the broom down, sitting with it. He’d probably swept the floors twice, but I guess the extra cleaning won’t hurt. 

“My dad’s been on my ass about learning how to work at the café. Something about character building…” Sounds like Ben. Well, sounds like Mr. Flynn, but same person. 

“I wouldn’t mind the extra help. Elias can’t really count money reliably enough to let me bake while he runs orders. I let him just take things in and out of the oven and to customers. Sometimes, I’ll even let him use the mixer. Elias is getting that vital character development. I’ve also thought about giving him this job when he gets old enough so he doesn’t have to work under his father.” I jumped back up on the counter and forgot I had just cleaned it. I’ll do it more tomorrow. 

“I hated this place as a kid. Grandpa always forced us to clean if we were staying with him and Duran tried to always beat me up for no reason. When I was old enough to get my own job, I was ready to leave it behind. Funny to think the kid likes it here. I guess since you’re basically his older sister, it’s probably a you and dad situation.” Jonas and his younger sister were forced to come help at the café since Mr. Flynn was getting older. Duran would always run off somewhere and I stayed and baked, so Mr. Flynn needed some others to do the dishes and lift heavy boxes. Jonas stayed because I stayed. The café work at least helped Jonas prepare for delivery work at Reeve’s. 

“I loved this place, still do, but you know that already. It wouldn’t be mine if I didn’t like it.” He rolled his eyes, knowing how much I stupidly fell in love with the bakery at one point. It was during secondary school when Mr. Flynn’s lessons of life actually go through to me. I was finally getting out of the Underground depression and having a purpose fueled me. The bakery was something I did every day, almost every hour, and sometimes neglected my school work to do it. I had finally found something that was mine and I wasn’t going to let any amount of slacking take it away from me. 

“Do you think you’ll stay here forever? I mean, like Grandpa did. Pass it on to your kids and what not.” I nodded, looking out at the hanging sign in a crack of the front window blind. 

“There’s nowhere else I want to really go. I have everything I need here in Trost and I can go visit the other districts when I want. Plus, we’ve already lost four places I can go, so it’s slim pickings for retail locations. If I somehow don’t end up having kids and Elias takes my offer, I’ll give it to him probably. ” He hummed in agreement and leaned back in his chair, tilting the front legs of the floor. This reminded me of when we were in school and Mr. Flynn would make us close up for him when he wanted to sleep early. We’d clean and then sit here talking for hours about anything. I’d force Jonas to help me with math homework and sometimes pay him to do it. After Jonas got a job, it would be just me closing. It’s been a long time since this ex-tradition has occurred, so it was mildly comforting. We sat like that for a while, just staring somewhere in the café, probably thinking about when we were young.

Mr. Flynn acted like he hated us, but I knew a day never went by when he didn’t smile down at us and was thankful we were there. Jonas, Duran, and I were a lot to handle sometimes, but it was just the joys of youth. I would pay to go back them, too. Just to be able to tell myself that I needed to remember times like this, because when I was older, it would all change. I would be alone in the café.

“You know, Dad wants us to get together. He said it’s the thing that makes the most sense.” I sighed. There goes the comforting feeling that we’d just developed. Goddamn it, if he didn’t have to mention that, I would have had a great night, even a drink or two to celebrate opening. Now, his attitude changed and he suddenly wanted to talk about feelings. Didn’t you just get broken up with?

Ben had even taken me aside after Wall Maria fell and mentioned to me what he thought was right. Humanity’s time seemed to be fleeting and it wouldn’t be fun to die without a family. I fended him off, _not_ telling him that I was _not_ alone and _very_ much in a relationship, but he would still leave hints here and there. Today was one of those days talking about keeping the café in the family and remembering the times when little kids ran around the tables. He’d even start telling us stories of how him and Analee would take care of the café as it’s first employees and how they fell in love. He was hoping the same thing would happen to Jonas, and that’s why he was forcing him to work here now. That was probably the only thing Ben and Jonas agreed on. 

“He’s mentioned it to me a few times. I’ve always told him no, but I guess when he gets his mind set on something you can’t tell him to lay off of it.” I looked warily at Jonas, trying to gage where this conversation was going. Why does it always have to be around year-end when he tries to pull all of this stuff? Wasn’t he just crying about his girlfriend breaking up with him yesterday? Now he’s talking about how bad Ben wants us to get married? 

“You know what I think about it. If you gave me a chance then may-” I cut him off before he could dig himself into a deeper hole. How could I tell him he wasn’t the one for me without telling him about Levi? While Levi and I weren’t nearly as serious as our time together would allow, his letters have shown me no reason to think we’d be ending our relationship soon. I was busy with bread and the café, he was busy with training, and at the end of the day we would sit down and write letters to each other, looking out at the same moon over Trost. It wasn’t the best situation, but it wasn’t one that was so hard I’d give into Jonas’s easy way. 

“Jonas, you also know my opinion. You’re like my brother or my cousin. We were raised together and you look almost exactly like Ben. I don’t need to keep listing out reasons to hurt your feelings more.” He sighed, looking up at the ceiling. 

“I know, but it’s just… Actually, I don’t know what it is. Never being able to advance your relationship with someone you have feelings for? Always getting into relationships you know will end because you don’t really like the girl? Maybe, I’m just tired of doing that.” 

“You’ll find someone, Jonas. You just aren’t looking in the right places. What was the girl’s name? Nana? Nora? Whatever it was she was annoying and self-centered.” I laid back on the counter looking up at the ceiling. I wasn’t going to be able to cheer him up like this forever because it’s always at the expense of me not liking him. He makes me feel like all of these breakups are my fault.

“She wasn’t you.” There it is. The direction we were going to. 

“You need to stop thinking about me, Jonas. What do you need me to say or do so that you move on from me?” I put my arm over my eyes, trying to stop the headache that I knew was about to come soon. I guess he was holding this in for a few months since he was dating that girl. It started with an N, I know that for a fact.

“No clue, Ev, but when I find it, I’ll tell you. If knowing that you’re in love with the Captain of the Scouts doesn’t deter me, I don’t know what will.” My eyes snapped open. 

“If knowing _what_?!” What the hell does he know? There’s a very serious possibility that he was sneaking around and found the letters in my desk. Maybe he saw Erwin’s letter carrier handing me the envelope? It didn’t make sense that he would know from Levi and I’s actions because he was pretty cold to me when Jonas was around. We’d taken most of the precautions we needed to. It had to just be his hunch… but his hunch was right. 

“I heard you that one night when he was bandaging you. There was just… something didn’t sit right with me when I was leaving. I sat there outside of the café listening to you two for what felt like hours. That confirmed it for me, but I still can’t believe it until it comes out of your own mouth. I guess I’m not good enough for you, Eva, but how could you fall for a _Scout?_ I didn’t think you were that _stupid._ ” The anger enveloped me as he said that, but I knew what he was saying was from deep down inside. If he knew this long, his heart beat with anger at every and any mention of the Scouts. His unexplained hatred for their presence in the last few months now made sense. Every time he saw a Scout he was reminded that even though they die young, are never around, and go on suicide missions, I’d rather pick _that_ over him.

Laying there on that counter with Jonas’s eyes on me… it made me uncomfortable. Every layer of privacy and secrecy was shed in front of him now knowing that he knew for that long. That means he must have noticed the letters. Noticed how I always cleaned Levi’s table twice and had peppermint tea stocked even when the café was closed. He might have even heard me crying at night over how much I just wanted to see Levi again when he’d crashed on my couch… and every time I did that, he wanted it to be him. 

I couldn’t deny our relationship and try to make him feel better about himself. He knew and had heard everything we had said to each other that night. I’d have to face this feeling head on and I didn’t want to. I just didn’t want to tell Jonas that it will never be him. It was better to have him in limbo and still have my friend then to break his heart completely and never see him again. Jonas was my first friend and is my best friend. He was there the first day I was above ground. He was there for me when Samias broke my heart. He knows almost everything about me, but here I was about to lose him over something I couldn’t control. I wasn’t going to give up Levi so that Jonas would feel better. 

That probably hurt him even more though; me lying to him about Levi. 

“How much are you going to hate me after I tell you everything?” I was hesitant to tell him anything. I know deep down he wanted to know all about Levi and I. He wanted to see where his shortcomings were and judge Levi’s actions and intent. He wanted to be able to reach deep down and find some string of hope in one of Levi’s downfalls. However, this emotion he’s had was pent up for months.

“I’m never going to hate you, Ev. That’s the problem.” I let the tears fall then and curled up into a ball on the counter top. This wasn’t the Jonas I liked talking to. This was the Jonas that made you feel every emotion he was going through too so that you gave him pity. You wanted to love Jonas because you didn’t want to see your best friend hurting like this. It was my fault that he was hurting and I couldn’t fix it. I couldn’t do what he wanted me to.

I knew he was in pain when he didn’t move to comfort me like he usually does. Whenever I would cry, he would always be next to me, a soothing hand on my back. I would never shy away from it before, but looking at the situation now, I wish I would have created that distance. It was good that he didn’t do that because it would have made the situation worse. We just sat there and I tried to mute my cries with my arm. It wasn’t working. 

“One day he’s going to die, Eva. If he doesn’t leave you before that.” Now he was trying to hurt me directly. Maybe he thought if he broke me enough, I’d go to him and not Levi. 

I didn’t answer him as I was too busy choking on my tears. 

“He won’t marry you. He won’t give you kids. He can’t give you anything you want in the future if he knows someday he won’t have one.” I wanted to beg him to stop. He doesn’t think at night, when all I have are the thoughts to pull me out of loneliness, I don’t think about all of this? Will I be happy with just Levi or will I want more and he can’t provide that? Can I not be up to his standards? After Hange mentioned kids, I thought about how horrible it would be for them to live in a world like this. We’re fighting to stay alive and to eat, and their father would be gone for months on end. I didn’t want to think about the future and Jonas was forcing me to. All the negative emotions I tried to push back in these past months were coming to the surface with every word. 

“Does he really like you or are you there just to fulfill his fantasy of a relationship? What man leaves the woman he loves alone for six months?” I clenched my jaw hard. His words started to stab too deep.

“Shut up.” It was soft and muffled by the sounds of my tears, but he heard it. He was waiting for my response. He wanted to see if I agreed or not; to see if he broke me enough. 

“Eva, I know you know what I’m saying is the truth. It’s best to stop this game of pretend before it’s too late.” 

Pretend. 

I pull my hands into fists and shot up on the counter. I was angry again now. He didn’t get to call my relationship a game. Whatever feelings of loneliness or sadness that Jonas wanted to make me feel had left instantly as he mentioned playing pretend. 

“ _You_ are the one who’s playing pretend! Pretending that I’ll come around and pick you. Jonas, if I wanted you, it wouldn’t have taken over ten years to realize it!” This time his face contorted into some type of negative emotion. His plan didn’t work. I didn’t cave like I normally do. 

“You’re pressuring me into something that I don’t want to do all because you don’t like that Levi makes you feel inferior. He’s stronger, smarter, and now he’s taken _your_ girl from you. You know why? Look at this,” I gestured to him with both of my hands, “Levi has never talked to me at me like this. He would never call me stupid or try and insult me enough to change my mind. You’re right, I haven’t seen him for six months, but in that time he’s written more sincere words than you have _ever_ said to me. I don’t care what Levi does and doesn’t give me, and I know you won’t be able to give me what I want either. Not like this!” I threw my left hand to my side and took the silence to catch my breath. 

“Eva.” It was angry and heavy. He wasn’t ready for me to come back at him like that. He never thought I could talk to him like he talks to me. 

“I have supported you through everything you have done. The countless girlfriends, the times when you were kicked out of your house, when you didn’t have a job; I was the one who comforted you and took you in. Now, I make a decision that hurts your feelings and you can’t live with it? You have to degrade me for who I choose to date, only because it’s not you?!” He stood up too, the chair flying back and hitting the floor. He stood almost a foot above me, but I wasn’t backing down. 

“You will _never_ understa-” 

“You’re right, Jonas. I will never love you the way that you love me, and I will never understand how you treat someone you love like _this._ ”

It was tonight. I had always thought about when this would end. When Jonas and I would stop playing pretend. When I would stop pretending not to see how he looks at me across the café. When I would stop pretending that my best friend didn’t only have feelings for me and wouldn’t choose anyone else. When I would stop pretending I didn’t have to hurt him like this one day. Tonight was the night this friendship ended because he couldn’t pretend we were just friends anymore. 

“How long have you been with him?” The air had quieted and so did his voice. His face was now a mixture of anger and sadness, and he turned his eyes to look at the ground. I didn’t know what he wanted me to say when answering the question, but I was done hiding it from him. Even if it hurt him, he had to know. He had to stop playing pretend and be snapped into the reality he lived in. 

“Around Spring Equinox till now.” His fist clenched harder. 

“So you missed Spring Equinox with us to be with _him_?” I thought about this moment the day I didn’t show up. He never asked me where I was when he saw me and he must have assumed I just didn’t want to go out then. I’d even told Levi that I was going to be in a weird situation if Jonas asked me where I was and he helped me make a plan. A plan to lie to him. I guess that plan just flew out the window. 

“He was injured and I was taking care of him. I wasn’t going to leave him,” I let the last line out, underlaid with some remorse. I was angry with what he was saying and how he was coming at me, but I was at fault too. I should have told him sooner or at least tried to distance myself. 

“I don’t think I’m going to be in tomorrow, Eva.” He said, still not looking up at me. This was the softest he had even been. I think now he knew he couldn’t sway me towards him. He was giving up.

“Jonas-”

“No,” he held his hand up, finally looking at me with the faint gleam of tears in his eyes, “I’m going to be sick tomorrow and maybe the next day. So, don’t come looking for me.” He turned his back and I had to stop my hand from reaching out and touching his shoulder. I was angry at him, but unlike him I didn’t see this as a reason to end our friendship. It was coming, yes, but it didn’t have to end here. We’d change something. We’d adapt. He was acting like he’d completely given up that. 

“Jonas, you’re still my best friend.” He stopped at the door and straightened up. He was stiff and lifeless when he answered. It was fake and he was hiding his true emotion. If he turned around, what expression would I see on his face? 

“I know.” 

The door opened and closed, the bells ringing twice above it. With the windows closed, I couldn’t see if we walked away and I didn’t go up to the door in fear of him just sitting on the stoop. I didn’t want to hear his tears. Jonas rarely cried and I didn’t want to know that I was the person who did it to him. 

I turned to look at the clock at the back wall. It was nearly one. 

Anger. At him. At myself. Sadness. For him. For losing my best friend in some shape or form. Regret. For not telling him any sooner. But, if I told him, wouldn’t the situation still end up like this? He would yell at me, I would cry, and he would tell me how irrational it was to love someone like Levi. A fantasy he called it. It set the seed of doubt in my head. Levi hadn’t loved or liked before as far as I knew, not to the capacity we’ve set up. Was he really just using this as a test run? 

I put my towel down on the table and decided I didn’t want to be in the café anymore. I wanted to be in my bed, two blankets over me, thinking over and over again the conversation I had with Jonas. Where did I go wrong? When? I wouldn’t sleep tonight and I would be sluggish in the morning when Ben came. Ben was smart, too. He would probably connect the dots between Jonas’s absence and my attitude, but at least he never questioned. 

Walking up the back stairs, I tried to listen to see if Jonas was still there. Maybe something would pull me to go back to him and try to talk it out. I don’t think this issue can be talked over though. It was going to be the way it was. As of now, it was Levi and I, not Jonas and I. It would take Jonas months to turn around or feel like talking to me. It may not go back to normal. 

That thought stopped me on the last wooden step. What would I do if Jonas and I never went back to normal? He was a big part of my day and of my life. Every holiday, every arithmetic question I couldn’t answer, every broken heart; I was with him. It made so much sense to be with him permanently, but that’s not how life wanted it to be. If I was to be with Jonas, I was sure, it would have happened already. I would have feelings for him to the same degree he has for me. 

Maybe we shouldn’t go back to normal as that normal was fake. Pretend. Would it hurt Jonas more to act that way, knowing that Levi was one step ahead of him in every regard? Or, would it be better for him to keep distance and ignore me so he won’t have to deal with the pain he feels every time he’s around me now?

I shook my head and walked in. This was for me to think about, slightly drunk, and in two hours. 

_“Here, for you.” Levi handed me a single flower as we sat in the meadow. He had found it on the ground next to where we were sitting and I laughed a little at the gesture before putting it on my ear. He looked at it too and smiled faintly, going back to look at the Scout HQ that was quite a distance away. No one would see us on our way back to Trost._

_I told Levi that I wanted to stop and sit since it was such a nice day. The spring was bringing warm winds to our area, and the whole time I had been with him we were inside his dimly lit office. We were far away enough from Trost and the HQ to be alone and outside. I thought of Jonas and the Equinox today. Where would he be sitting out here?_

_“Thank you, Captain.” He laid back, still wincing a little at the pain in his ribs. The horse ride was a bit too much for him to handle, and we had to walk our horses out here to the open meadow. No doubt he would bear the pain to get me to the gates of Trost before we parted. Maybe I would convince him to walk so we had more time together._

_“After this expedition, I would like to start.” I looked over to him, putting a piece of the Scout’s cracker ration in my mouth. Did he have some hobby?_

_“Start what?”_

_“Trying to be yours. I have no experience being in a relationship with someone, therefore, when I can give you my full attention, I will do that. I’ve never made you food. I will do that first.” It made my heart strangely warm, him always announcing his intentions. Maybe he felt that they needed to be approved. He was so apprehensive about anything, and he was not used to being wrong. In this uncharted territory, he needed to make sure he was right before he executed anything. So, I nodded._

_“I’m not picky when it comes to food.” Once he got his confirmation, he went to stand up. I just looked up at him as he did it._

_“Yes?” He put out his hand for me to take it. I just stared up at him again, smiling. I’d tease him a bit more because he was leaving soon._

_“So does that mean we’re really dating?” He rolled his eyes and his hand dropped. The nice gesture went away._

_“Did I not make it clear before? I said I required monogamy.” I shook my head, no._

_“You have to ask me. You can’t just command me into a relationship with you.” He cocked up an eyebrow._

_“Ask? Why do I need to ask you when you already know?” I rolled my eyes at him and took another bite of the cracker._

_“We aren’t dating until you ask me to be your girlfriend.” He scoffed._

_“Girlfriend is a word for teenagers. We are almost thirty.”_

_“Ask me.”_

_“No.”_

_“You have to.”_

_“No, I don’t.” I huffed and turned my head to the other side, faking anger. I knew he probably wasn’t going to do it anyways, and I didn’t really care, but it would be fun to hear._

_“Ask me or I’ll just sit here all day,” I said, folding my arms. There was no protest, or huff of annoyance. He was probably standing there with the same pose I had, just waiting for me to get this idea out of my head._

_Huff. Huff. Huff._

_“Don’t tell me you-” I turned and screamed, scrambling to get away from what was to my right. It stood there, his body broken in it’s mouth. His eyes were stained with blood, and were looking at me, begging me to do something, anything._

_The titan crunched down once more on Levi’s body, and only a puff of air came out of his mouth. Not a cry for help. His body went limp, eyes wide staring into my soul._

_Help. Help. Help._

I shot up, holding my head. My body was shaking and I was afraid to open my eyes. The bustle of customers could be heard below and I knew I had fallen asleep late in the morning and overslept till now. Ben would be holding the customers down fine, and I needed the extra minutes to calm myself down. 

Was that dream an omen? Was he dead? 

It left a bad taste in my mouth that I couldn’t shake, so I got up to get water. I needed to get this taste out of my mouth. Once I drank the water, I leaned over the sink and it came right back up. The shaking of my body stopped after I’d thrown up, but the feeling in my stomach was still there. Maybe I was just hungover. I had a whole bottle of wine while thinking my life away last night. Usually I was fine, but the emotions tied to the amount of alcohol I had could be making my stomach twist and turn. 

Setting the cup down, I quickly went to put on clothes and try to put something on my face to cover the dark circles. The clock was at ten, and I knew that soon Ben would hear my footsteps upstairs using his years of training his ears to identify the creaks of this building and yell up at me to come down. If Jonas really wasn’t here, he was having to remember how to make various coffee drinks himself. 

_One day he’s going to die, Eva._

I help my stomach again, trying to position myself over the bathroom sink and not get the face powder all over the floor. When nothing came up, I tried to push that thought out of my mind and finish covering the dark circles under my eyes. To a trained eye, aka Ben, you could easily see through the layer of powder. Hopefully, it will last all work day so I won’t get comments on my tiredness. Those were my least favorite. 

“Eva!” It was muffled by the floorboards, but with one quick look in the mirror, I went to walk to the door. 

_Does he really like you or are you there just to fulfill his fantasy of a relationship?_

Stopping on the stairs, I leaned over the railing, hoping that if I did vomit again, it would be away from a window so the customers didn’t notice a projectile falling from the sky. I’d have to get another drink of water before I started or else this hangover was going to kill me. 

I pushed the back door open, taking a look at the plastic one that separated me from the café. People were in there, sitting, talking, and buying pastries. I could hear them and it scared me. My first day open, and I’m in this condition? That wasn’t going to be the best look for business. I was also scared because this was the first customer rush I had in months. It was like my first day running the shop all over again. 

This time my stomach bubbled up with nerves and before I could turn back outside, Ben opened the door peeking in at me. He definitely saw the condition I was in, and had to take a double take. Now, the dots started to connect in his head. Did Jonas look like this to when Ben tried to wake him up only to discover he was “sick”? 

“There’s a line of people out here waiting to be served and to talk to you. I suggest you hurry out, yeah?” I just stared at him and nodded once, tying the matching apron around my middle. 

“Yeah.” Even my voice was shaking. He closed the door again and I picked up a random cup, filling it with water from the sink, and downing it in a few seconds. I coughed once, hoping it would help my throat, and despite my stomach, I walked out into the main café. 

“Eva!” 

“Miss Eva, it’s been so long!” The crowd of people at the counter greeted with smiles, and I did my best to give one back. It was comforting, their words, but my stomach still felt like shit. So did my head. And my arms. And legs. Either way, I willed myself to the crowd that was blocking my view into the café. Ben had done a good job curbing them because he didn’t know how to make a latte. 

“It’s a good thing you’re here, Eva. Ben’s a little rusty.” I smiled to the man who’s order I had memorized, but not his name, and took the personal cup he had in his hands. Ben tended the money while I turned my back to make the drinks. 

“I’ll pass, you make, pass back?” I turned over my shoulder to nod at him and this new angle made me catch a view of the table. The Wings of Freedom were draped over the chair and he was leaning back with the new addition of a book in his hand. There was no cup in front of him, nor was he staring out at the window anymore. 

Six months. 

My stomach churned again and before I could answer Ben, I had to run into the back, past the plastic door, open the regular door, and throw up in front of the trash can where the stray dogs like to eat our scraps.

I’d have to pass it off and I took another big gulp of water before picking up some random milk jug to bring it up. I hoped I didn’t wipe off the face powder that took ten minutes to apply. When I walked back in, people seemed shocked I had run so fast into the back, but once they saw the milk jug, they settled back down. Ben didn’t let it get past him that I’d set the new milk jug next to a completely full one on the table and went to work. 

We went back and forth for what felt like hours. He’d collect the money, write the order on a piece of paper, I’d make it, and he’d go set it down on their table or give it for them to go. We didn’t talk at all while I did it, and I only engaged with other customers. When I looked at him, he never looked back, just down at the book. When I looked at him… my stomach churned, but with a different feeling now that I was pretty sure all the alcohol was in my sink or by the trash in the back. I wanted him to look at me, or to come hug me, but he was Captain Levi right now. 

My dream. What was my dream about? He was here and he was alive, so it couldn’t have been an omen. Was it triggered by my fight with Jonas? Levi dying? It was a simple memory, but it had morphed into something graphic and depressing. He’d asked me to be his girlfriend, reluctantly, but why didn’t my dream get to that part? Why did it cut it off there? I just tried to mock it up as another drunken dream, ones I used to have often, and maybe a few times in the past months, but something wouldn’t let me mark it as that. 

“Eva!” I turned at the little boy’s call and saw all three of them at the counter. I was zoning out so much. Elias, June, and their father were there and I smiled at them, starting their orders. Elias and June: steamed apple juice. Their father: a cup of coffee, no cream, two sugars. 

“Where’s the boy? I thought Jonas said he was working today.” I froze up at their father’s question and I saw Ben glance back at me before answering.

“He felt really sick this morning and could barely get out of bed when I tried to wake him up. He slept at our house last night and came back really late, so he might have been out and drank himself sick,” he _tsk-_ ed his son, but I knew that his message was really meant for me, “Dark circles, a bad attitude, and his face was all red. I’m glad he didn’t show up today.” I turned to them, handing the two steamed apple juices. Before I could turn back around, they started a conversation with me. I could barely focus on it with Ben’s gaze boring holes into me. 

“Eva, Mr. Chapel said I could start on my own books now! Isn’t that exciting?!” I smiled down at her and nodded. In the place in my brain that could still process a little emotion this afternoon, I was happy for her. 

“That’s amazing, June. I have some books upstairs that need to be rebound.” Ben had given their father his coffee and he was now pulling the kids to go. He probably had some cult stuff to do and just wanted to stop by for his morning cup like he normally does.

“Eva, do you need help on year-end? Like last year? With Jonas?” Elias’s face begged up at me to say yes. He wanted to know if we would do something like last year. With no festival, it would be hard to entertain them… and with no Jonas… 

“I don’t know about it his year, Elias.” His face dropped and he was pulled away by his father before he could ask why. I saw June looking disappointed as well as they walked out the door. When Ben turned to greet the next customer, I felt another pair of eyes on me. I looked up at him and felt my heart flip as we locked eyes. His were filled with concern and I knew he’d heard the exchange Elias and I just had. I had always taken the kids in for year-end, so why not now? 

The day went like that. My stomach never settled down, and I could barely keep up the energy of the people coming in and out to talk. Ben would mostly fill that job, but whenever the customer wanted to talk to me directly, I stared at the back wall, mustering a smile, and turned to act. I was glad that I’d decided to close earlier than usual so I wouldn’t have to go through a dinner rush either. My mind was tired from thinking over and over again about last night and the dream I had, that I could barely handle any more stimulus. 

Levi had sat there all day, reading through the book at least twice. I could feel his eyes on me throughout the day, but if I looked back into his eyes, my dream would play over again and my stomach would fight with me. He must have noticed, but he never approached me. Ben and the wave of people coming in and out must have stopped him, or he was waiting for me to go over and serve him tea. It was sitting right on top of the coffee filter box, ready to be made, but I could never pull myself to do it. I wanted to go over and talk to him, but with the amount of people here, I would be talking to Captain Levi. I decided to wait until close, knowing he would stay, so I could talk to the real him after months of waiting. The dream made my stomach feel awful, but the idea of having Levi back to me again made the butterflies stir too. 

“Alright, what’s up with the two of you?” Ben put the small bag of flour back up on the stock rack as I mopped the flour on the back room’s floor. It was closing, and I insisted that he could leave the cleaning to me, but I knew from the second I walked in to the café, he was ready to corner me and ask questions. I still feigned innocence.

“Two of whom?” He huffed and wiped off excess flour on the apron I left him. It didn’t help my case that I couldn’t look him in the eyes when I answered. I didn’t want to stare into Jonas’s eyes. 

“Jonas comes to our house drunk, red face, and mumbling things under his breath. He almost broke Analee’s favorite vase trying to take his shoes off. I thought it was a bit weird because he’d have to come back from your place, but maybe you two decided to do something. I didn’t care. Then, I drag his dead body weight onto the couch and he tells me he can’t come to the café tomorrow and starts crying. I mark it up to him being drunk off his ass. Come today, and you’re not up early like you usually are. I guess I thought you’d be as drunk as Jonas, and gave you a few hours. You come down here, looking pale as a ghost, go throw up outside by the trash can,” He pointed his thumb to the back door, “and anytime someone mentions Jonas, your face goes pale over and over again. You probably drank at least thirty glasses of water today… I _really_ don’t want you to answer this question, but I have to ask it. He’s my son, sure, but you’re also my little sister… also weird to say, but you know what I’m trying to get to…” Ben didn’t want to have to finish his statement and trailed off, trying to get me to fill in the blank. Did he think we… ? I pulled my face into a look of disgust, but still didn’t look at his face. 

“Are you trying to ask if he and I had-” He frantically waved his hands at me.

“Please, please, _please._ Spare me. I realized I don’t want the answer to that question anymore right as it came out of you mou-” I stopped him there. 

“We fought. That’s what happened.” He dropped his hands and let out a big sigh of relief. He was happy we only fought, because he could deal with that. He’d been dealing with that for years already. Mediator Ben was about to come out. 

“Thank gods. What did you fight about this time? Both of you look very upset.” He leaned against a random table, and I had stopped sweeping at this point. I didn’t want to tell Ben, but there was just something about him that made the words flow out. He’s always been like that, regardless of the situation. Comfortable to talk to about any and everything. When I first got my monthly cycle, I went to him and not Catrin, who was the obvious choice. Then later in life, Jonas started to take the same position in my life that Ben had. That made me feel worse again, losing him over something I had to be selfish with. If Jonas felt he couldn’t let go of whatever it was, I would permanently lose him. 

“I think this is the final time, Ben.” He sighed, probably not knowing what that meant. If I told him what the fight was really about, he would have to learn about Levi and I. I shifted my gaze to the plastic door separating us from the main café. Was he still sitting in his chair, waiting for us to kick him out? Waiting for me to lead him up the stairs to my apartment? 

“Did he bring up marriage again? When we were walking to meet up with you, I had mentioned something about it and he seemed to get quiet. Usually, he denies anything like that would happen.” So it was mentioned previously, that’s why it was on his mind. When Ben mentioned it to him, did his mind go to Levi and I?

“Yes,” I whispered, and set the mop against the wall. I was ready to spill all of my feelings to Ben like I always do. 

“Then, is it that man out there?” He pointed at the door and this time I looked him in the eyes. It was like admitting everything to Jonas all over again and it made my stomach twist and turn. I knew Ben’s opinions on the matter, too, so it was worse having to go against his wishes. 

“Yes,” I whispered again, waiting to see a streak of disappointment in his eyes that never came. He just sighed again and walked over to me, putting a hand on my back. 

“He was the first customer today and seemed annoyed that I was standing there instead of you. I was the one who gave him the book. I told him he’d have to wait a few hours to see you, and then another few to get to talk to you after lunch. I’m not going to pretend I didn’t see the way he kept looking at you either.” I clasped my hands together, looking at them. It made me a little less sad that he could see Levi’s emotions as well. Ben didn’t think it was fake like Jonas did. 

“I had a bad dream last night, too… and a few too many drinks. I’m just so… I don’t want to lose Jonas. This felt like it was it, Ben.” I put a hand over my heart and rubbed my collar bone with one finger. Ben shook his head ‘no’ and patted my back. 

“The kid can be moody, but he’ll come around. It may take him a bit longer than usual, but you two are best friends. He’ll just have to deal with the fact that it’s going to really stay like that now. I guess I didn’t help either, talking about you two the way I did.” I shook my head, making sure Ben didn’t take the blame away from me. 

“No, I did this. I didn’t tell him about… I didn’t distance myself from him and-” 

“Do you really think that if you tried to distance yourself from Jo, it would’ve worked? He once came home from secondary begging me to ask the teacher to transfer him to your class. He can’t be away from you for too long, no matter what emotions he has tied to it.” I laughed once at that comment, remembering the day Jonas randomly showed up at a desk next to mine. I reached up to wipe a tear off of my cheek. 

“I still feel awful. It’s my fault I made him feel like this.” Ben rolled his eyes. 

“I’m going to go home and he’s going to have this same conversation with me. You both fight like cats and dogs, and then feel bad that you said anything in the first place. He could have broken your arm and you’d still feel like it was your fault.”

“Yeah.” Ben did make me feel a little better, but I still couldn’t shake the feeling of regret. We sat for a few more minutes as I calmed down and my stomach hurt a little less. 

“Now, that boy out there. He’s the Captain of the Scouts, but I have to threaten him. I know he’s still sitting out there, if you just let me-” 

“Ben.”

“I’m serious. I was close to going over and telling him to stop looking at you. It’s annoying. Like that one kid you dated in the past.” It was my turn to roll my eyes at him. 

“Ben, I’m twenty seven.” Before I could protest more, he lunged at the door to open it. 

“Hey, you.” I quickly raced out of the back room, watching Ben walk his way over to Levi who had grabbed a rag and was cleaning the tops of the tables. 

“Ben-” Levi turned to give me a confused look as to why the giant man was walking towards him. They’ve probably only spoken two sentences to each other and now Levi was going to get reprimanded by Ben. 

“You’re dating my sister, correct?” Levi’s eyes widened a little bit, not expecting Ben to come right out with it. He probably also didn’t expect Ben to know anything, but with how obvious Levi had acted today, it wasn’t a surprise. Ben picked up on things probably to the same degree Levi did. 

“U-u-uh, we are?” He did the same thing I’d done to Erwin, and when he looked over at me again, confusion painting his face, I just nodded once, “Y-yes. We are…” A faint tint of blush painted his pale face. Mine was probably the same way. This was the first time he had admitted that out loud to someone from my world. 

“If you hurt her, I’ll beat you up. Her last boyfriend, he couldn’t walk for two days after Jonas and I jumped him.” He pointed his finger at Levi who didn’t seem that concerned about the threat. Ben was also lying, because he wouldn’t lay a hand on anyone. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Ben swat at a fly, let alone a human. 

“My intentions are not to hurt her.” Ben took off his apron and slammed it down on the table Levi had just finished cleaning. Flour dust went everywhere. This was quite the show he was putting on. Levi, however, didn’t know he was playing with him. He was trying to keep his face as neutral as possible, because he didn’t want to, in some way, offend Ben and make him angrier, but he was also getting annoyed with the man’s display. If Ben was to come at him, would he be permitted to slam him on the ground, or would that just make this whole situation worse? Levi didn’t want to beat up my brother, which was nice. 

“What are your intentions then?” Levi was not going to like expressing his feelings aloud to a stranger, so I saved him from Ben who I knew was trying his hardest not to laugh. 

“Ben, just let him go. I have to clean more and you’re keeping me from dinner.” I think Ben was also glad I gave him an out because I heard that Analee was making porridge for dinner and that was Ben’s favorite. 

Ben walked a bit forward, using his height to tower over Levi. This time, Levi’s face hardened. If I did get Ben away from Levi, Ben _might_ end up on the ground. 

“Next time, Captain.” Ben retreated back and grabbed his jacket, turning to me with a smile. 

“Have a nice night, Ev! I assume I won’t need to come tomorrow?” He glanced over at Levi who was now extremely confused at Ben’s 180 degree flip. 

“No, I think I can handle myself tomorrow. Thanks Ben!” He raised his hand up and waved once, exiting the café. There was a moment of silence as the ringing of the door bells finally stopped and Levi turned to me, that expression still on his face. 

“W-wha..?” I smiled at the door, not disregarding the butterflies that came to my stomach now that I was finally alone with Levi for the first time in six months. 

“That’s Ben, my brother.” His face dropped to his regular look and nodded. 

“I can tell.” I huffed and grabbed Ben’s apron, hanging it up behind the counter. I decided to clean the counter and wait to see what Levi was going to do. Heaven knew I wanted to run up into his arms, but again, the vow I took held me back. 

To my surprise, he moved to behind the counter after cleaning the flour from the last table. He put the rag down on the back table and stood there, staring at me for a bit. I just disregarded his stare and kept cleaning the counter and glass case which was ridden with Ben’s handprints from the amount of times he leaned on it. 

“I’m going to hug you.” I left out a huff of laughter and didn’t move, signaling that he could do what he wanted. 

“I told you, you don’t have to say it alo-” His arms went around my waist, chest touching my back, and his head nuzzled into my neck. I also melted right there and then. Who taught him how to hug like this? I used my free hand to reach up and play with his hair, leaning my cheek onto the top of his head. 

“Hi,” I said, breathing in his scent. It’s been so long, the shirt he gave me had lost its smell, so it was nice to have it back. It was also nice that he had given me such an intimate display of affection after how long he’d been away. It told me that he missed me as much as his letters would insinuate. Maybe even equal as much as I missed him. 

He lifted himself up, leaving one arm wrapped around my waist. 

“I thought I’d personally deliver this letter to you,” he handed me the envelope with my name written on it. 

“Do you come with the letter?” I turned to face him and blushed at our closeness. He looked down at me slightly, examining my face. I’d cried the face powder off in the back, so my dark circles were at full force.

“You haven’t been taking care of yourself again.” It was low and had a tinge of disappointment in it. I looked up at him, examining his face. Tired. Large dark circles. Nothing out of the ordinary, but I could still yell at him for it. 

“I can say the same for you, Captain.” I reached up and put my hand on his cheek like the last night we had together. I figured that wouldn’t be off limits and I felt his face heat up a little before pulling back to lean against the back table across from me. He had hit his daily cap for affection and needed to cool off. 

“Erwin gave me the rest of the month off. So, I guessed that the best place to stay was here. He also told me to go see you after my work was done, and then proceeded to give me one more month’s worth of work.” He crossed his arms, his face pulling into one of annoyance for Erwin’s actions. 

“I did ask him to give you more breaks, but he didn’t promise me anything.” His eyes narrowed at the mention of our meeting. 

“Don’t think you three can keep it a secret about what you talked about. I told them I’d get you to tell me.” I smirked back up at him. 

“They aren’t telling you what we said?” 

“No details. I just know they asked you about us and to support the Scouts, and you accepted. I know that they left out everything important and Hange always laughs when I try to get her to tell me.” I guess I’d have to keep up this secret promise with Hange and Erwin. 

“Well, if they aren’t telling you, then I guess I can’t either, Levi. It was a confidential meeting, you know how that goes.” He shot off the table, pushing my stomach into the one I was cleaning. His arms were on either side of me, trapping me against the wood. My heart beat shot up at this sudden, aggressive touch, and I almost jumped as I felt his breath on the right side on my neck. This was the first time he had done something like this. Intimidating, aggressive, and _very_ exciting. My heart wasn’t the only thing that fluttered when he whispered into my ear. 

“I have ways of getting you to tell me, Eva.” He lingered there for a few moments before pushing away and going back to rest on the table. I had to take at least ten breaths to calm myself down, and my face was still definitely the color of a cherry. That was the first time Levi had done something so… _hot_. One moment, he was pushing back because he was getting uncomfortable with the affection, and another he was shoving me up against the counter, making my brain race a million miles a second with the things I was imagining. The _ways_ to get me to talk. Levi wasn’t like _that_ was he? Did he have experience with that? He did live in the Underground and was extremely good looking, I’m sure he had girls at his feet at some point. It made me curious about his life in the Underground again… and what or who he did there. 

“I-I’m… done cleaning. We can go up to the up, upstairs.” He didn’t even hesitate and slung his cape around his shoulders, following me to the front to lock the café. 

We walked upstairs without saying anything, Levi walking a few steps behind me. He had retrieved a bag from the side of the alleyway and my eyes widened. I didn’t think he’d be staying here the whole rest of the month. That was almost three weeks. I remembered how dirty I had left it this morning and the empty bottle of wine next to my bed. 

Once we got inside, he set his bag on the couch and took off his boots and cape, hanging it up. I was a bit upset he didn’t take off the ODM gear straps, because now that he had done that little act downstairs, my mind was thinking about them. I had felt the buckle of the one on his chest dig into my back ever so lightly. 

“Did you really forget what I looked like? Stop staring at me.” He mumbled it, but it made me blush a bit and stare at the ground. Did he know what I was thinking about him? How did he get so bold in the last few minutes? 

“Can I shower? The ride here was long, and I sat in the back of the cart on some dirty hay.” 

“O-oh. Yes, you can. It’s that door right there, but you knew that already didn’t you. Sorry.” He smiled and laughed once, digging through his bag for his shower supplies. I just watched him as he did it, staring at the mundane task and letting my mind run wild. I don’t think he’s ever taken a shower here before. 

Without saying anything else, he walked into the bathroom and closed the door. I instantly let out a breath of frustration, but the room did cool down after he left. 

“He’s bold when being like _that_ , but he’s still afraid of sleeping next to me?” I shook those thoughts out of my head and blinked when the bathroom door opened a little bit, the light shining through my dark apartment. 

“I forgot soap for my body, do you have any?” He yelled out. 

“Uh, there should be some in the cabinet below the sink. It’s Jonas’s.” I heard the cabinet open, along with a little grumble about ‘ _Why is he in your shower?_ ’ before I heard them close again. 

“I don’t see it.” I did not want to go into that tiny bathroom and show him, but I knew that’s where this was going to end if I sent him on a hunt. I’d just let him use mine. 

“There’s a bottle in the shower. It’s glass and has pink liquid in it? You can use mine. I hope you don’t mind rose.” I heard the shower curtain rip back and a tiny laugh. 

“There’s about twelve bottles with pink liquid in them, Eva.” That was simply false. All of my shampoos, conditioners, and soaps were different colors. He wanted me to come in there and show him. I started walking slowly to the door. 

“It should be on the second shelf.” 

“Just come here and show me, I don’t have the patience.” There it was, and I was already halfway to the bathroom anyways. Ignoring my heart, I opened the door. 

“It should be in…” My eyes widened as he leaned against the sink, giving me access to walk to the shower as the room was only meant for one person at a time. My eyes widened as he leaned against the sink _shirtless._ I instantly flushed and something churned in the pit of my stomach. I glanced for one more second, and pushed on after seeing his smirk. I shoved myself up against the other wall, so there was no way for me to touch him as I walked past to the open shower. There the soap was and it was even _labeled_. I gripped hard around the bottle, turning to shove it into his hands. I tried so, so hard to only look at his face. When I glanced down at his chest again and back up, his smirk got deeper. It made me angry, but it also made me want to look even more. 

His body was completely toned and looked like it had no ounce fat on it. He was completely lean like I predicted in our last encounter in a bathroom. Every single possible muscle was defined in a sleek way that was easy for him to hide this… this _Adonis_ of a figure beneath a regular shirt. His waist was probably smaller than mine and shoulders broad from carrying the heavy ODM gear on them for years, but I didn’t try to get another look at it as I walked past him, pressing up against the wall again. 

“I told you I’d let you see it when I got back,” he said jokingly as he set the bottle down on the sink. My face was burning and I didn’t dare turn around to look at him again as much as I wanted to. I had a free pass to look at him all I wanted if I took it, but I was too embarrassed right now. This combined with what happened downstairs wanted to make me scream. How long had he thought of doing this? The first time he’s seen me in six months and _this_ is what he planned. 

“I-I’ll make food!” I half yelled, getting out of the small bathroom that was heating up to a hundred degrees. I could hear him laugh a little bit before closing the door behind me. The air outside was so much cooler, it gave me goosebumps and I stood out there for a bit, waiting to hear the shower turn on. When it did, I went to the kitchen and instantly sat in front of the open ice box trying to cool down my face. 

“Why are you like this, Eva? It’s not like you haven’t seen a shirtless man before. You’ve seen more than one and you’re never like this.” I hit my cheeks over and over again, trying to get them to cool down. No man I’ve been with before could go from sulky and hesitant one minute to making a heat pool in the depths of my stomach in thirty seconds. 

The shower stopped and I closed the fridge quickly, taking out eggs to act like I was using them. I had no clue what I was going to make to eat and I’d spent ten minutes staring at an open fridge. 

When he walked out, I almost broke the egg in my hand. He walked over to his bag on the couch, searching for clothes. The heat that I’d gotten rid of came back, and I finally turned away from the indecent sight. Just a _towel?!_

“Sorry, I forgot to grab another pair of clothes.”


	12. Sleep

“You know, you don’t always have to come down here. You can stay upstairs.” I set the refilled teacup of the table looking down at the book he’d taken from my bookcase upstairs. It was a fairytale book Mr. Flynn had bought me when I was fourteen, so it couldn’t have been interesting enough for him to reread. He just flipped the page and picked up the teacup in the way he always does and I sat down in the chair next to him, prolonging the closing cleaning process. 

A cold rain washed over Trost today and that made it easy for customers to drag in tons of mud. I’d taken time to clean it at noon, because Levi told me too, but now it was raining again and the last of the customers didn’t stop to wipe their feet on the entry rug. It would take me forever to scrub the dried mud off the floors; probably until after my regularly scheduled dinner time. 

“If I don’t come, you won’t ever clean.” I rolled my eyes at him and reached down to take a sip of his tea. Today, I added a little less honey. 

“I _do_ clean, just apparently not to your standard. I receive full marks on inspection days.” He took the cup directly from my hand and had another sip. The first day he was here, he told me that the backroom was infested with the plague because he saw a single fly and always made me go back and get something while he worked on kneading tomorrow’s fresh bread.

I stood up and grabbed a wash rag, aiming to get all the tables and chairs done in a swift thirty minutes before dragging the mop out of the back room. Levi grabbed my hand lightly when I turned away and I looked back over my shoulder. He had put down the book and his cup, going to stand up.

“I’ll help you. To make it faster.” He took the wash rag from my hand and turned right away to wash the table he’d been sitting at. I smiled at him leaning against another table to watch him. He fit well with the café. It made me think about the future. It was embarrassing to even think about a future in this world, but when I did, it was always Levi behind the counter helping me serve pastries and coffee, no titans or Scouts in sight. Those thoughts had increased over the past three days he’d been here, helping me knead and portion dough every morning after he’d wake me up. It was a slice of domestic bliss combined with us trying to get at each other with words, me, or a body, him.

Over the last few days with him, I realized what might be his issue. While saying and expressing emotion was hard for him, being too personal and intimate, he didn’t have a problem expressing his physical self. Most of the time, physical meant teasing me with his body or a way he held me. Still, every time I would say something suggestive or comment on how cute he looked with a white bandana holding back his hair, he would become a stuttering mess. 

I didn’t want him to confirm it, but it had to be because of what happened in the Underground. He could never be intimate with anyone, never showing his true emotions, but he probably and easily had gotten into physical relationships with others. If that was true, he was more accustomed to using his body to arouse reactions from others then telling them what he was actually thinking or feeling. I’d have to ask him some time, but every time he would do something physical towards me, brush the small of my back when he went behind the counter or come out of the bathroom shirtless, I was too flustered to do anything. Then when it came to actually kissing me (which he hadn’t done yet), being emotionally open, or sleeping in my bed (again, hasn’t done yet), he would shy away because of how intimate it was. It scared him to be open, even with me. I’d have to help him. 

“Levi, what do you think about running the shop with me? In the future when there’s no more titans.” He stopped cleaning the tables, freezing up. I should’ve known better than asking him something like this again.

Just staring down at his hands he answered, his voice tough, “Don’t talk about the future right now.” I was taken aback by his tone, but decided not to push him. Perhaps that was another thing that scared him to talk about. I’d have to romanticize myself. 

Late in the night, when he was reading another one of my books and I was counting out expenses, I was bold enough to ask again. 

“ _Why_ can’t we talk about the future?” I saw the same reaction. He froze up, looking at me over the book with a harsh gaze. It also made me shrug away from him.

“I’ll hate myself when it doesn’t happen.” Again, short and terse. This happened a day or two ago too. I asked him about the plans the Scouts had made for next year, thinking if I could plan out when I’d see him next or not. He froze then too, telling me that he didn’t know and there ended that conversation. It made me question what was going on with the Scouts or within Levi. If it was some form of emotional turmoil, if I wasn’t the one getting him to talk, it would just be left up in the air. 

“Do you want to sleep with me tonight?” Again he glanced over the book, but you could see that he was back to his flustered self. 

“Maybe word it better, Eva?” You smirked at him, leaning back on the couch. The tense aura of a few seconds ago faded away. That’s why you weren’t that worried about it currently. He would snap once or twice throughout the day, but everything else was normal. 

“Why? We’ve been dating for almost a year. We could do both.” Again, it was so easy for me to say stuff like this, but my heart was still racing. Every time I asked, I was just waiting for the day he said yes. 

“I haven’t seen you in six months.” I laid down on the couch, looking over at him and he pushed the book up all the way so I couldn’t see his face. I huffed and rolled to look at the ceiling.

“Shouldn’t that be more reason to?” He just shrugged and I closed my eyes, trying to think of something else to talk about. I made him explain everything in our letters and about the work that Erwin had him doing. Besides the obvious confidential stuff, he was just training new cadets and attending meetings about January’s big expedition. When I pushed him about why it was so big, he wouldn’t tell me. It had to involve something important if Levi, Erwin, and Hange all mentioned it. 

“Levi, let’s take a walk.” He grunted ‘no’ from behind the book and I turned to look at him again. How long could he just read books and sit here? How many books has he read since he’s been here? It seems like the only thing he wanted to do was finish my bookshelf and terrorize me with his abs for thirty minutes out of the day. 

“Why noooooooot?” I sat up again on the couch so that you could see his face over the book. Only his eyes shifted to look at me, a neutral expression painting his face. He didn’t see a need for a walk, so he wasn’t going to go on one. I was going to force him. 

“It’s cold.” 

“But you can wear a coat! I can lend you a sweater, we’re the same size. Please? It’s something to do,” I begged, putting my hands together so he saw how much I wanted to go on a walk. I stayed in that position for a minute, hoping he would agree because I looked ridiculous like that. When he sighed and put the book down, I smiled, knowing that I won. He saw my smile too, pulling an annoyed face. 

“Give me a sweater. And we’re _not_ the same size.” I hopped up, running to my room to grab one and pull another one over me. It was incredibly cold outside and I knew that I was going to freeze, but at least I was doing something with Levi. It was better than sitting inside and staring at him all night. 

“If you complain that you’re cold, we’re coming back right away.” He wrapped a green scarf around his neck and I wished I had one like that, pulling only my coat’s hood to cover my ears. Yet, I bounced down the stairs, staring up at him from the bottom as he took his normal pace. It made me giddy inside, going on my first night walk with him. This was something that I would do often, even in the Underground. When I’d came to Mr. Flynn, he still couldn’t get me to stop. I would sneak out and walk around Trost at one in the morning, just letting the time pass by. It was near two now.

Jonas used to walk with me sometimes. When he’d stay at my house, I’d force him up for a walk and would have to hold him up as we walked. Now, I guess it was Levi who was entrapped in my tradition. At least he rarely slept. It would wake me up sometimes, not getting used to his presence in the house. A door opening, a candle lit in the bathroom, or the sound of a teapot hitting the metal of the sink would rouse me at four or five, only to realize it was Levi. I wondered how many books of mine he read at night when I was sleeping. 

“The streets are so empty now. Normally, there are people coming in and out of bars still.” He just walked next to me, hands in his pockets. I was the leader, taking him down the main road, having no rhyme or reason in your direction. Wherever I would end up, I’d probably been there before and were able to walk back home. 

“Do you always walk at this time?” He raised an eyebrow at me, and I smiled knowing why he was asking that question. I knew if I answered, he’d reprimand me for walking alone at night. 

“Not always. I haven’t since Wall Maria fell. It’s just a way to clear my mind.”

“I’m sure this cold would freeze anyone’s brain, yes.” He brought his hands up to his mouth, blowing hot air on them. I did the same as my pockets weren’t really helping in keeping the cold away.

“It’s nice in the summertime, but I do prefer colder nights. That’s how it was when I was younger.” We both turned a corner, now at Trost’s city center. The lanterns were on their last bit of oil for the night, so everything was dark except for the moonlight. It was pretty, but it would be better if the courtyard was taken better care of. After Maria, no one cared for pretty things. The titans would eat us, trimmed flower beds or not. One nice thing to look at was Levi and the way the moonlight reflected off of his hair and skin. Funny how he was the brightest at night. 

“Hange once told me that people stay awake late at night because they’re unable to control the day. One doesn’t have to worry about others if they’re the only one up, so they stay up to relish in it.”

“Is that why you stay up so late?” He laughed lowly, shoving his hands back in his pockets as we exited the courtyard and went back to only having the light of the oil lamps lining the street. He went back to being dull. 

“Perhaps. It’s not the only reason. I’m asking you if that’s why you go on these walks. You’re able to experience the world you live in without all the annoying ramblings of people.” I looked up at the sky, thinking about why I took these walks. It really wasn’t any philosophical reason like he was mocking it up to be. Whenever I took walks in the Underground, I never got to be away from people, so that probably wasn’t why. 

“I… I don’t know why I walk. It seems to be relaxing. Maybe since I spend the day inside a room with people coming in and out, it’s better to end the night out here. I can think clearly without someone asking me for a refill. Besides, I don’t stay up late compared to you. After I get home, I’m going to bed. What will you be doing?” I shivered as a cold wind blew down the alleyway and I saw the way he glanced over at me, waiting for me to complain. I made sure to pull my coat tighter around me, but keep my mouth shut. He would turn back just because he wanted to spite me. 

Surprisingly, he lifted his scarf off his head, and shoved it over mine, pulling it tight. He mumbled something about not getting sick under his breath, and I smiled, pulling the scarf above my nose. It was warm, and so were my cheeks after that small display of care. Even if he messed up my hair, it was worth it. I was warm and got to smell him as I walked.

“I usually sleep for an hour and then read a book or think out some maneuvers Erwin has suggested. The small chalkboard you have in the one room is quite convenient. You don’t seem to use that room at all, so I put some of my papers in it. I hope you don’t mind.” Something about Levi setting up shop in my study made me feel warm too. He was making a permanent place in my house. That had to mean something right? If he left his papers there, then he would have to keep coming back to get them. If he needed to work away from the HQ, away from the cadet’s or Hange’s interruptions, he had a place here. I wonder if he realized that yet or if he was subconsciously making permanence. 

“That was the boy’s old room and Mr. Flynn’s office. The desk and books are all his, but he bought the chalkboard for Ben a long time ago. I only use the desk sometimes when I’m writing letters to a certain someone.” He took his hands out of his pockets to blow on them again, probably hiding the blush my words caused him. 

“Imagine someone looking down and seeing Captain Levi of the Survey Corps blushing.” He threw me a glare and lowered his hands to his sides. 

“The only reason I agreed to this walk is because it’s late at night. Don’t think I’ll walk with you during the daytime like this.” You pouted up to him, but it seemed to have no affect. You looked down at his hands, hanging by his side. The vow you made instantly popped in your head as you wanted to reach down and hold his hand. If he was being generous now, then maybe he would let me. I mean, this whole week he’s been nothing but physically suggestive, so if he shies away from holding my hand, I could use that to tease him back. He also gave me the scarf, so I could make something up about my hands being cold. Is holding _hands_ too intimate for the Captain? And it wasn’t like holding _him_ either, it was just hands. Why was I obsessing over this, I’ve held many peoples hands before? But he probably hasn’t. 

I decided to go for it.

I got closer to his side so our shoulders were brushing. When he didn’t move or react, that pushed me even more to reach down and grab his hand. I entwined our fingers quickly and his grip tightened to an almost, intolerable tightness. He even stopped walking to hold up our entwined hands to eye level. 

“W-what are you _doing?_ ” Still, he didn’t pull away from me. That was my fuel. 

“I’m holding my boyfriend’s hand at night since I can’t do it during the day. Do you not want to?” 

“I-I…uh - um.” He dropped our hands down, turning so I had no direct view to his face. My smile widened as his grip loosened and I faced no resistance. 

“Come on,” I pulled him a bit and he started walking again, his face still looking everywhere but at mine. His hand was warm, slim with long fingers that almost covered the complete back of my hand. They were rough too. I could feel the callouses from years and years of wielding knives and the ODM gear swords. It was a weird juxtaposition to my hands that were rough only because of physical ailment and making bread almost everyday. They were softer though, Levi having given me another refill of balm from the capital. 

Levi cleared his throat, “I think boyfriend is a bit… childish? I’m thirty.” I snickered, thinking back to our time on the meadow inside Wall Rose. It also made me replay the dream I once had, but I pushed that away. I would have that dream probably once a month, or other variations. Levi is eaten by a titan, Levi is taken away by the Royal Government, so on and so forth. I didn’t know why it kept replaying, but I would wake up in a cold sweat and bile rising to my throat. Since Levi was here, however, I haven’t had it yet. 

“We’ve talked about this. Once you give me a better alternative, then I’ll agree. Domestic partner is way too formal, and you’re not calling me your Comrade in Arms either. I think ‘my boyfriend’ is just fine. What do you call me with Erwin and Hange?” He just shrugged. 

“Your name _._ What else would you like? Hange likes to talk about you quite a bit, so I’ll have time to use it.” That made me a bit happy. Levi would talk about me during his normal day, or, rather, he’d probably listen to Hange say things and only answer them in his head. At least he would think about me. 

“Do I get a special title since I’m dating you now? Co-Captain? Co-Captain Flynn. That has a nice ring.” Levi huffed once, but I sensed it was him trying to hide a laugh. I was bouncing around him like a child, hands still connected. His face seemed amused at least and I could tell once he saw my smile, he softened up more. 

“No, you can’t be Co-Captain. What do you know about the military? You’re not even at cadet ranking.” 

“Fly on wires, have big knives, hit titan’s neck.” This time he couldn’t hide his smile as he shook his head, looking down again at our hands. 

“It takes the average cadet two years to become proficient with their ODM gear. Even more to master it. You make it sound much easier than it is. Do you want to try ODM gear?” I shook my free hand around wildly, making a face. 

“I’m fine on the ground.” 

“I could take you into the trees. You could just hold onto me while I flew around.” I shook my head this time and he sighed. It seemed at that point he just wanted to show off to me instead of actually teach. It was cute, but I was never going to get off the ground on that death machine, even if it meant I got to latch onto him. 

“I heard that the ODM gear is really heavy. You probably won’t be able to lift me and it.” It was his turn to shake his head at me. 

“You’re easily lighter than it. Combined it’s about fifty six kilograms.” My eyes probably were probably the size of the moon and it made me stop walking. 

“You mean you did all those flips and stuff with that on?!” He smirked at me, nodding, pulling on my hand to keep walking. This made me blush a little, but I followed, realizing I led us on the way back home. It was probably a few more minutes till we reached the bakery. 

“That’s why your shoulders are so broad! You have to carry that around all day.” I could hear his breath catch in his throat. So much for being bold and pulling me along with him. 

“Complimenting me won’t get me in your bed, Eva.” I mimicked his voice and turned my face away from him. 

“Just take the compliment, hm.” I would’ve crossed my arms if my hand wasn’t in his, but I wasn’t going to unclasp them because then he probably wouldn’t let me hold his hand again. We walked for a bit more in silence as I tried to keep up my act, but I was quickly getting annoyed. Levi was fine if I didn’t talk to him, and ignoring him didn’t do anything. 

“Why are you so adamant that I sleep in your bed? I don’t even sleep, it would be annoying for you to wake up when I get up. I know you already wake up because of the noise I make.” I was shocked that he asked me that. It sounded like something he would just keep in his head and try to answer it. It made me feel a bit better that he was making an effort to understand. I could tell by the tone of his voice it was a serious question. 

“It’s just nice to fall asleep having someone next to you. Sometimes you can cuddle too, but I don’t think you’d do that, and who knows, maybe when you sleep with me you won’t wake up. I have a calming effect on you, remember?” I was referring to all the times he’s laid his head on my lap. While we haven’t had such close contact like the night before he left, he still would lay his head in my lap to read a book or look over some papers. At first, it would shock me when he initiated, but it also made my heart burst. Soon, even if it was only over the last three days, it became common practice. I would sit down on the couch after dinner or coming back from the bakery if I had nothing to attend to and he would come to lay his head down on my lap, and sometimes he would read the book out loud or ask me for my opinion. 

“Have you done it with other people?” Oh. His tone changed when he asked that question. Or maybe he was gauging how comfortable it would be for me.

“Yes, I have.” 

“Jonas?” Hearing his name out of Levi’s mouth hurt a bit. It hadn’t even been a week since we fought, and I haven’t seen him since. He’d sent another delivery driver and since there was no festival, there was no way to see him. I asked Ben in passing, but he just shrugged. After he came home from the bakery, Jonas was gone. He does not meddle in his kids’ lives enough to keep tabs on them. I sighed before answering. 

“Yes, with him. It’s just sleeping though.” He grunted and I noticed he gripped my hand a little tighter. 

“Did it happen when I was gone?” Was he… jealous? This was new. 

“Yes, it did. I had… Well, I have nightmares sometimes. Don’t worry though, after we started dating, I’d kick him out after he calmed me down. Even when we were little, he would sleep next to me so I wouldn’t wake up scared and alone. It just turned into a habit.” I scratched the back of my head, seeing his point of view as well as Jonas’s. That was another thing I should’ve stopped when I found out he liked me, but I was selfish and needed the emotional support sometimes. 

“You haven’t had a nightmare since I’ve been here. I would know.” I could see the bakery up ahead of me, the sign blowing in the wind. 

“You’re right, I haven’t.” He nodded. 

“If I hear you having a nightmare, I’ll sleep with you then.” I hummed in agreement, knowing that even that was a hard decision for him to make. Finally reaching the stairs, I went up one before Levi pulled me to stop. He just stood at the edge of the stairs, staring up at me while holding on to my hand. 

“I apologize for not knowing how to do any of this.” My eyes softened down at him and turned to face him straight on. 

“Don’t apologize. I know you haven’t ever had feelings like this before. It makes sense that you don’t know how to interpret them or interpret mine.” He shook his head slowly. 

“No, it’s not an excuse. I should learn, I just… I just don’t know about certain things.” I put my hand on his cheek, giving him a reassuring smile. 

“Thank you for sharing this emotion with me, though. That’s all I ask for. Don’t hide things you don’t need to from me.” He grumbled, shifting down to look at the stairs. There was no blush, but I could tell what I said had an effect. There was something he wanted to tell me, but he was still uncomfortable saying it outloud. I wondered who made him this way in the Underground. I was the same way when Mr. Flynn found me, but he made me find happiness. He let me trust humans again. I would have to do the same to Levi. 

“The reason… well, one of the reasons.” He gripped my hand harder, gritting his teeth. It hurt me to see this physically hurt him. 

“You don’t need to explain it to me, Levi. If it’s too hard to-” He took one step up on the same stair as me, making sure he was close as he could be. He took my other hand too, closing his eyes and clenching his jaw. 

“I owe you an explanation. Even if I feel so weak telling you things like this, I need to tell you. I promised to tell you.” His eyes opened and the emotion was back again. The one when I gave him the tea set and when I held him that night on the couch. My heart sped up as the atmosphere around us morphed into a cloud of that emotion. 

“When I slept in other’s beds, it was only to leave before they could wake up. The few that I’ve ever been in, it was only for a fast physical relief. So when you invite me to sleep in your bed, I think only of those moments. I only think of that connotation. When you ask me to sleep with you, I can only picture the end result of a regretful night in the Underground. I don’t want that with you. I respect you more and I actually feel something for you. I can’t just be so casually physical with you, it holds more weight now. Even when saying that, I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to not be casually physical with you when that’s all I know. So I’m cautious. I stop myself from doing certain things because I feel I’ll end up with the same result from not knowing better. I beat myself up inside after I do things like that because I don’t want to do that to you.” Those words almost took my breath away. No man I’ve been with has given me such consideration. Has put such value on me. It was like I had previously thought. The only way he knows how to express is physically, so when the line blurs, he doesn’t know what to do. 

“Is that why you haven’t kissed me back yet?” This time he did flush a bit, turning his head to the side. Yet, he kept on being vulnerable which made me want to take him in my arms and thank him. I knew how hard this all was for him, but at the same time, I didn’t. How many years has he gone without meaningful interaction with someone else?

“Yes, it is. I’ve never - it’s never been emotionally charged for me. I’m scared that if I kiss you, it will turn out like the rest. I’ve never been kissed the way you kissed me in the café. What if I can’t do it?” I could see true worry in his eyes. He was like a child in front of me, deflating at each word. He was afraid of failing. Afraid of losing. That’s why he would always ask me before he did something. He was afraid of doing something wrong and resulting in the same harsh end he’s faced over and over again. I gripped his hands, moving my head so I could see his face completely. He wanted to hide from me, but I wasn’t going to let him. 

“This isn’t going to be like before, Levi. This isn’t the Underground. You’re here with me, someone who’s stuck with you for almost a whole year. I’m not like the others you’ve been with either. You know that. And you’re - you’re not like them, Levi. You’ve held me. You’ve shown me emotion. You’ve been vulnerable with me. This happened to me too. It took me so long to realize that people up here weren’t going to hurt me like they do down there. People love up here. People want to live up here. People won’t leave you here. _I_ won’t leave you like they have.” He grabbed me into a hug, this time without asking. It was how his body was manifesting whatever emotion I was making him feel. Maybe he did this to make me stop talking, who knows. He buried his face in my neck, one hand in my hair, the other still holding my hand. 

“You’re not like them either,” he whispered into my neck, “You’re nothing like them. But one day, I might leave you forever.” I knew what he meant. One day, he might die and I’ll be alone. Still, I stand by what I told Erwin. He isn’t going to die. He’s Levi. 

“I told you, don’t care.” He stood up, his hands staying where they were. His eyes were wide still, probably at the tone I gave him. I’ve had to tell him at least ten different times that I didn’t care about the possibility of him dying because I knew he wouldn’t. When I told him then, it was a bit harsh, but it’s what he needed to hear. I don’t care if there’s that possibility, I’m going to choose to live without fear. I tried to make sure he saw that in my eyes.

“The titans might come into Trost, and I’ll die. What then?” He gripped me harder shaking his head. 

“No, I’ll save you before then. You’ll be the first one I save if that happens.” I huffed once in laughter, just lightly. I knew he was being serious and speaking the truth. If Trost somehow was breached by titans, he would knock down that door and take me up with him. That thought was at least a little comforting. 

“I’ll save you, too. Somehow.” He leaned forward, looking up at my eyes as he did. His grip was still hard on my hand and in my hair so I wouldn’t move away. There was no chance of me moving away from him. 

“I’m going to kiss you.” His breath wafted over my lips and I didn’t say anything. I just nodded to him, tilting my head the other way to give him some form of consent. He still couldn’t shake the habit of telling me, but I’d let it go for now. 

When his lips locked with mine, finally on their own accord, I melted my body forward with his, trying to get as close as possible. The cold air around us seemed nonexistent as we both heated up in the cold. It started as one kiss, then another, then another. His lips were soft and he still tasted like the mint tea he was sipping on before I forced him to take a walk. 

My stomach was twisting, I couldn’t think straight, and I had to stop myself from going on my tiptoes with the amount of passion he had put in the kiss. He was so worried about not being about to put in emotion after years of blanks, but here he was, kissing the life out of me. He was the one who would initiate another kiss and then another, pulling me close to his body feeling every curve. He was trying to show me all the emotion I’d given him. It was mind-numbing to think he was holding back this much. I was trying to follow him, not trying to get caught up and even more out of breath, but with no avail. No one had made me feel this way while their lips were on mine. How did I go through life never having kissed Levi? I didn’t want it to end, and I lifted my other hand up to his cheek, holding him there. 

When my tongue glanced over his bottom lip, he lost his balance at that action, falling back and catching both of us with one hand on the stair railing. He pulled back and I was lightheaded, trying to catch my breath. He did the same, now not being able to look me in the eyes while his shoulders moved up and down in time with his deep breaths. They were almost gasps. We both had to catch our breath, the cold air coming back to fill our burning lungs. How badly did I want to reach down and do that again? It was going to be so addicting kissing him. Kissing him. I just kissed him. No, he just kissed me. Maybe nine or ten times. Each with blazing emotion that was still making me unable to speak. Just him kissing me was enough to make me dumb. It was dangerous to think about what he could do that would completely ruin me. I would welcome it so easily after experiencing this. It was just the tip of the iceberg. 

“I-” I stopped him from saying anything. Was he going to apologize? Say something more self-degrading. I didn’t know and I didn’t care. 

“I know, Levi,” I said, sounding almost breathless. Whatever it was, I seemed to satisfy it and he gripped my hand harder.

“L-let’s go up.”

-

“Goodnight then, yeah?” I stared at him from my doorway as he put the book down on his stomach to look back at me. This had to be the twentieth book he’d read while he was here. Soon, I’d have to buy him more because he’d have read every single one in my bookshelf.

“It’s so early for you to sleep though. The past week you went to bed always after three.” I rolled my eyes as him. He was the reason for that and he knew it. He was probably upset that I was sleeping this early, but I was tired.

“Well, last week someone learned how to kiss with their tongue and wanted to perfect the technique till three each night,” His face went beat red, and he stuttered again, picking up the book to read it so he didn’t have to respond, “Mhm, that’s what I thought.” 

“Go to bed.” I crossed your arms over my chest looking at my empty bed. 

“Not going to join me?” He scoffed, always being annoyed that I asked him. I’d always pull away from his lips, leaving him annoyed because he “wasn’t done practicing yet” and ask that question. He was probably tired of hearing it even though he made his intentions clear. Only if I need it because of a nightmare; those were his rules. But, with him here, I knew I would never have a nightmare. 

“Dream about something scary and I will.” I pouted, but he refused to look at me, knowing I’d say something to further incriminate his actions over the past week. Once he kissed me, it seemed to open a floodgate of need. We’d do the same routine as before, I’d come back from making tomorrow’s loaves, he’d find a book and lay his head on my lap, but then suddenly he’d be pushing me against the couch, one hand next to my head and the other holding my cheek exploring some new technique I’d told him off hand. It was comically methodic, matching the same energy as practicing titan maneuvers. Maybe that’s how he built the courage for himself to do it, aligning it to a common day occurrence. Hey, practice makes perfect, and he was a perfectionist. I didn’t complain.

Yet, he never did anything but kiss me. He’d pull back once he was done practicing or if he decided it was getting too far, ask for a review, make a game plan for tomorrow, and then see it was pretty much the time I’d go to bed. It would make me laugh every time. Tonight was the night before year-end, so I had orders upon orders to fill and no time for Levi to get in some practice. That’s why he commented on how early it was for me to sleep, but he’d have to deal with it. Imagine if anyone saw him like this, he’d be mortified. It made me smug that he was like this just for me. 

I turned around to go to bed, making sure the door was cracked only a little bit. 

“Goodnight Eva,” he mumbled behind the door and I smiled before getting into bed. Tomorrow was going to be a very long day, but at least I had a guaranteed stress relieving session after… even if it left me with some pent up energy… and even if he was leaving in another day or two. I closed my eyes not thinking about it, falling asleep to Levi turning the pages of his book every so often. 

Yet, my sound sleep was interrupted sometime later. I didn’t know what time it was, but I did know that all the candles and lamps in your house were off. That means Levi wasn’t in the study, nor in the kitchen. Maybe I’d only been asleep for an hour and he had yet to wake up from a nap. 

I sat up in my bed, looking around the dark room. Why did I wake up? I shrugged and decided to go get some water or bother Levi if he was awake. Perhaps not having a practice session to wear me out before bed caused this. I threw the covers off of me, feet putting on slippers so I didn’t touch the cold floor. 

Then I heard it. A whimper. It was low and came from the other side of the door. My eyes widened and I grabbed the edge of the door to open it quickly. It took time for my eyes to adjust to the moonlight filtering through the two windows, but it shined right on Levi’s sleeping figure. 

I first saw how deep his eyebrows were creased, and then saw him fisting his shirt. He was asleep, that was for sure, but he was restless. His head was moving every so often and I saw his jaw grit more than once. Then the whimper came again. It made me stop taking steps into the living room to listen closely. I’d never heard that sound come from him ever. 

“N-no.” He grabbed his shirt again, hard, and I saw the fabric twist completely. Then, the noises came. They sounded like noises of struggle, of soft screams at something. He was having a nightmare. My eyes widened and I didn’t know what to do. Do I go and wake him up? I had to. He needed to wake up from whatever he was dreaming of. That was what Jonas did to me. Still, I was worried what would happen if I did. Would he be upset that I saw him like this? 

I approached him, his body softly flailing around as those noises still kept coming. I had to wake him up, I couldn’t see him like this. Still, I stood a foot away from him, trying not to get hit. 

“Levi..? Levi..? Levi!” It didn’t work. He was still thrashing around, sweat falling down his face. It broke my heart to see him like that. Hours previous he was calm, sitting on the couch and reading a book I’d given him about tea. Now, that book was thrown halfway across the room and he looked helpless under this nightmare’s grasp. I had to go in, no matter if he hit me. I couldn’t stand watching him suffer like this. 

I knelt down and grabbed the hand that had his shirt in a death grip. Quickly, it grabbed my wrist, thinking it was some type of invader. Ow, ow, _ow,_ it hurt so much. This was his true strength and my hesitations about waking him up came true. 

“Levi!” I tried to wave that hand, hoping the movement would wake him up, but I couldn’t even move under his harsh grasp. I hoped that his other hand was too busy grabbing the life out of the couch to attack me too. I’d probably have to hit him to wake him up, but that might just escalate the situation. 

“Levi, wake up!” I was yelling at him now, but with no avail. Tears were springing in the corner of my eyes at the pain of being grabbed like that, and soon enough my other hand was hitting his chest in a last resort.

“Levi,” hit, “wake,” hit, “up! Ow, ow, ow, ow!” Why wasn’t he waking up? Oh my gods. I reached up to his face, having to stretch, and slapped him once. It wasn’t hard, but it had to be enough to wake him up. When I pulled back my hand, I gasped feeling the wetness. He was crying. I had to wake him up now. He was in pain. He was hurting. 

“Levi, wake up! Please!” Finally, I used my foot to reach up and kick his side. This made him cough hard, interrupting his whines. I said a polite sorry, but I needed to get my hand out of his grip before he broke my wrist. 

“Levi! It’s me! Eva!” I said through my teeth, not being able to take the pain anymore. I let out a loud groan when he finally released me, falling back to the floor, nursing my wrist with my other hand. I could tell there would be bruises around it tomorrow. Great, on the day I needed my hands the most, I decided to try and get Humanity’s Strongest up from a nightmare. That wasn’t smart at all.

“Eva,” he mumbled, looking at me withering on the floor. He brought a hand to his face, feeling the remains of tears, and then it all clicked. His eyes widened.

“Oh my _fuckin-”_

“Ice pack please,” I groaned and he shot up from the coach, running to the icebox to make a bag. Honestly, now that I was sitting here for a few, it didn’t hurt as much, but it was still throbbing. I was more worried about him than my wrist at the moment, but he seemed to completely forget that he was having a night terror seconds previous. 

When he came back over, he grabbed me off the floor, lifting me up on the couch. I didn’t move against him and he grabbed my wrist lightly, making me wince. His eyes had changed now. There was horror, but for the situation in front of him. What he had just done when he was sleeping weighted heavy on him, no doubt. I had to reassure him. 

“Levi, it’s okay. You were-” 

“It’s _not okay_!” He raised his voice, holding the box of frozen butter to my wrist. I winced more at that than the ice and he noticed. This made him try to calm back down for my own sake.

“Levi, you were having a nightmare. I just tried to wake you up. You didn’t know what you were doing, you were asleep.” Still, he put his head in my lap, hand gripping his leg hard. With every apology, he hit his leg harder.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He whispered it over and over again and it made me want to throw up. He was in so much pain and here he was apologizing for it. I wouldn’t take it. I couldn’t take the fact that he wasn’t only apologizing to me, but still trying to get out of his nightmare. He woke up to a nightmare because of me.

“Levi, stop!” It was harsh, but it got him to stop saying it. When he sat up to look at me, his jaw and hand were still clenched. He was trying to calm down, but his eyes were still wild like before. He was eating himself up inside. 

“I. Hurt. You.” My eyes softened and I lifted my good hand up to touch his cheek. He shied away from it, which made me frown even more. I didn’t care about my damn wrist. 

“What were you dreaming about?” I made sure my voice was softer than before, trying to redirect him. He shook his head. 

“Not important. Your wrist-” I grabbed at his cheek, trying to get him to stop talking. It was the cheek I slapped. 

“Levi, you were _crying_!” It made him look down at your hand laying on the block of butter. I knew he knew he was crying. I’d never seen him cry before, so it was concerning. It hurt too. I was seeing him in so much pain, but now he felt that he had to hide it from me. I couldn’t do anything to help him even thought I wanted to. I wanted so bad for him to cry in front of me and release whatever he was feeling, but that probably would never happen. Levi would never cry in front of anyone.

“I… I d-don’t want to talk - talk about it. _Please_.” It was a plea and it hit me deep down. I stopped pressing him. He needed to be comforted. I knew that much. I could do that much.

“Let me hold you?” He took the butter, now at room temperature, and stood up to get away from the question and to get another cold thing. I wasn’t going to let him run away from this. 

“Levi, you said you would lay with me if I had a nightmare. The same applies to you.” He stared at me from the opening in the kitchen, his eyes having no emotion in them anymore. He hid everything deeper and deeper so I couldn’t point anything out.

“No.” You stood up quickly, but Levi was there to make me sit down again with a bag of corn, “No, sit.” 

“If I listen to you, you have to listen to me.” He sighed and pushed me back down to nurse my wrist. 

“The difference is I’m not going back to sleep.” The dark circles under his eyes became more evident to me after that. How much sleep had he lost to nightmares? 

“Are nightmares the reason you don’t sleep much?” I put two fingers under his chin, directing him to look at me again. He didn’t want to, but he wasn’t going to refuse me. 

“Most of the time, yes,” he whispered and that made tears well in my eyes again. Sadly, that seemed to make him feel worse, “Hey, stop. Don’t cry for me. It’s not worth it, okay? They usually aren’t this bad, yeah? Eva, it’s okay. I’m okay.” It was funny he was trying to reassure me when he was the one who needed it the most. He was pushing down everything to make me feel okay. 

“I don’t care. Rules are rules,” I rubbed the tears away with my hand, “If you have nightmares, you had to sleep with me. What’s the difference between laying on the couch and laying in my bed with me?” He turned my wrist so he could ice the other side. 

“There’s a difference to me. I don’t deserve to be in your bed when I hurt you like this.” His thumb ran over the red, splotchy marks on my wrist, and I had to pull him out of his wallowing. Somehow. 

“Then here. I’ll lay here with you on the couch.” He shook his head again.

“No, you go sleep in your bed. I’m up now, for good. There’s only a few hours till sunrise.” I ripped my wrist out of his grasp, hissing at the pain it left me. He only seemed to care about the pain I caused myself and he glared at me for doing something stupid like that. Still, I was going to force him for his own good.

“I’m going to sit here until you lay down with me and that’s _final,_ Levi.” He groaned, and I crossed my arms, careful of my wrist, showing him I was serious. If this was any other situation, he would probably have laughed at me, but he just let out a long sigh. 

“Fine,” it was a whisper of defeat, and I would usually smile, but this time I laid my head in his chest. He got the cue and wrapped his arms around me, leaning back so that his head was laying on a pillow. My body was on top of his, legs intertwined at the other end of the couch. If this were any other situation, I would be blushing, my heart beating faster, but I was here to calm him. Regardless of who was holding who, I needed to make sure that he was okay. I put my ear to his chest, listening to the sound of his heartbeat. It was still beating fast and I didn’t know if that was because of our position or the adrenaline from earlier. Either way, I reached a hand up to pay with his hair like he liked, trying to get the same reaction out of his that I do when he lays in my lap. He did the same, running his fingers in my still-damp hair from showering. His breath started slowing down too and when I looked up at him, his eyes were closed, so I did the same, matching my breath with his. We laid like this for a few minutes, just taking in the position we had with the other. It was our first time like this, but the pain, physical and mental, overshadowed any type of blushing reserve we would usually have.

“I dreamt about the time my friends were eaten by Titans, but this time you were there too, in that stupid Scout uniform I made you wear.” I opened my eyes at his words. His tone was much calmer, even if he was hiding everything, and I hoped that I was the one who made him feel more at ease. He told me what he dreamt about, and that was all I could ask.

“You said I’d make a good Scout.” He laughed slowly, and I felt the vibrations from his chest. It calmed _me_ down.

“I wanted to say that you looked cute.” It was my turn to blush at his words, so I buried my face into his chest more, taking in his scent. It remained unchanged. Mint, lemon, and cedar

“Do you want me to wear it again?” He grabbed my waist, pulling me up so that our chests’ matched and my face could be buried in his neck. I sat up on my elbows to look his in the eyes, wondering why he pulled me closer.

“No, I think you look fine in what you wear normally.” I rested my head in one of my hands, still looking down at him. Even if he was acting calm, he looked like shit. The tears had dried, but his eyes were still red and the dark circles were now more prominent. The dream hurt him, but he wouldn’t tell me that. He never wanted me to see him broken like that. 

“When you come back from your expedition, can you bring me some more of those button ups? They’re really nice quality.” My free hand, the hurt one, traced circles in his cheek. There was still no emotion in his eyes as he looked up at me. That was the number one tell that he wasn’t okay. He was hiding. 

“No, I can’t steal military issued clothing for you. Besides, we’re already short.” I pouted and, again, there was no emotion or little annoyed expression. He wasn’t giving me anything to work with, and I was getting too tired to yell at him more. He knew that, that’s why he kept talking about random things. 

“What am I going to have when you’re gone for those three months?” He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath, resting his hands on my waist. 

“Maybe I’ll be nice to you and leave a few of my military issued shirts in your dresser.” I smiled down at him and finally laid down, my head on his shoulder. Laying with him was as amazing as I expected, if only it wasn’t under such circumstances. He was warm and comfortable, and the thumbs drawing circles in my waist made it easy for you to relax into him. 

“That would be nice of you, Captain. Maybe I’ll be nice to you and leave a few bags of peppermint tea in your duffle bag before you leave.” He moved his hand up to my hair again, running his fingers through it. I was glad I took the time to brush it before bed. 

“That would be nice of you, Co-Captain. Now go to sleep, you have a lot of work to do in the morning.” I hummed, doing just that, on your new, warm, comfortable, muscular bed. How was I ever going to fall asleep on something different now?


	13. Feel

The two of them stood next to the Garrison Captain’s feet, one on each side. The other was being held up by his neck, struggling to break free. Once I opened the door to the café, he was thrown in, face hitting the wooden floor. 

“You offered to take the brats a while ago, well here they fucking are. This one caused a huge fight and spilled over all our grain stores for the week.” He pointed at Eren on the ground, both of them glaring at each other. Eren’s gaze made me shiver much more than the wind coming in did. It was the middle of a snow storm and I had no idea how mad Eren made the Captain who was willing to pull them through the wind and the flurries. However, I didn’t question it, seeing how cold the blue-eyed boy was. His nose and cheeks were red and I could hear his teeth chattering. The only thing protecting the girl was a red scarf. 

“Yes, I’ll take them.” He then proceeded to shove the others into the café and turn back around, pulling the hood of his thick jacket up. I quickly closed the door, frowning as the snow flurried in, and turned to the three of them. The girl was at Eren’s side, helping him up while the blonde boy was talking to him about how much trouble they’d gotten in. I just looked down at them, trying to hide the pity in my face. The grandfather the boy had, was he one of them? I sighed and took one step towards them so they looked up at me. 

“Do you three want anything to drink? Tea? Hot chocolate? Go sit by the fire and take your shoes and socks off before your feet get too wet.” They seemed to be taken aback by my accepting tone. It probably seemed a lot more empty though than when I’d given the bread to the blonde boy, but for the past month, I had no energy to give emotion to society anymore. Every time I tried, it would end in a fury where I had to defend the Scouts. I was tired. That’s why I closed the shop this week, not thinking anyone would come knocking at my door in such a harsh winter. 

I looked out at the window again, thinking about how cold they all must be. I was so selfish too, thinking about Levi’s wellbeing in the snow storm. He had a winter coat, but did the Wall Maria refugees all have one? They left on such a nice, warm day in late January, everyone was so surprised that the weather had turned out this way. Maybe it was a sign that what the Scouts were doing was blessed by some higher power. Sometimes we have warm winters, and other times we get no snow at all. We thought this winter was going to be the latter and how wrong we were. A month later, when we were almost to spring, the blizzards hit. 

I yawned before putting the chocolate flakes into the milk I’d found. Adding to my tiredness was the amount of nightmares I had while he was gone. I was starting to realize why Levi drank so much tea. I had one with me now as I didn’t sleep at all last night.

“Here you go. Just wait a bit for the chocolate to dissolve.” I handed the three their own mugs and I could instantly tell how they were feeling by the gaze at the milk. Eren was snarling at his milk, his hands shaking. The blonde haired boy seemed to be close to tears, taking his spoon and swirling it around. The girl showed no emotion, just staring at Eren. I assumed it was their personalities. While they sat on the raised brick hearth of the fireplace, I sat on the floor in front of them. It was probably a really pitiful sight, a thin coat over an even thinner, weak looking girl. 

“What are your names?” They all looked up at me as I started talking to them, but I was now mimicking the blonde boy, staring at my tea and swirling in some of the last honey stores I had. I couldn’t go a minute without thinking about him it was pitiful. I’d picked at my thumb too and a tiny speck of blood came out. 

“Mikasa.”

“Eren.” 

“Armin Arlet, Ma’am.” A tiny smile traced your lips, but it dropped easily after a second. The blonde boy was cute.

“Just called me, Eva. Titles don’t matter in a time like this.” I took a sip of the burning liquid, letting my body feel something. It tasted like him. I set it down next to me, not wanting to taste it anymore. 

“Miss. Eva, why did Captain Tresus take us to you?” Just like I observed before, Armin was the mouthpiece of the three. His question made me think back to the days I gave them bread. How long ago was that? I’d lost track of time completely while I waited. Back then, you were so naive thinking that Wall Maria falling was the worst thing that could happen to society. It was up there, but this, _now_ , was so depressing. At least after Maria fell, you had Levi with you. So selfish.

“They threatened to kick you out in front of me a long time ago, and I said that they could just send you to me.” Armin and Eren’s eyes both widened, one in fear and the other in anger. Hopefully it wasn’t directed at me. 

“We aren’t allowed back?!” Eren gripped is mug harder, some of the liquid splashing over the edge on his hand. When he felt the hot milk tough his hand, he winced, but seemed not to care enough. He just had that rage in his eyes. If he didn’t get that under control, he’d be in much more trouble. I knew first hand.

“They never said that. I’m pretty sure they aren’t allowed to kick minors out, even if you ruined their grain supply,” you directed at Eren. That made whatever he was holding in burst.

“It wasn’t theirs! They were taking the grain from us to eat for themselves all while making fun of the people they sent out to die!” His voice echoed through the empty café and I saw Armin’s eyes fill with silent tears as his friend said that. He didn’t think his grandfather was going to die, but it was a suicide mission they were sent on. I wanted to reach over and pat him on the head or something. Something to tell him that it was going to be alright. Armin and I were in the same boat, stuck waiting for someone to return from the most horrifying thing that has the pleasure of gracing our ears. However, Armin’s grandfather had a much smaller chance of returning. Armin must have known that, seeing his reaction to Eren’s harsh words. I’d heard those types of words too much over the last month and a half that I was numb to them. My calmness probably scared them. 

“Would you three like something to eat? I can’t offer much in terms of meat, but I can make some porridge and bread. I suppose my offer to the Captain was for you three to come here and help me make bread for the other refugees, but that’s not an option anymore. Would you like a blanket Armin? You look very cold.”

“U-uh, I…” I smiled down at him, standing up, taking my teacup with you to go make them some porridge. All fake smiles.

“I’ll get you one anyways.” I could tell they were trying to figure out who I was and why I was doing these things for them by the whispers that I heard. I just turned my back to them and let them talk while I started to make porridge on the stove. I gave Armin one of the blankets I’d brought down from my apartment, planning to sleep near the fireplace tonight because my apartment was too cold to bear. He refused it first, but when I went back to put the porridge into bowls, he’d wrapped it around himself, engulfing everything but his face. Eren seemed to be warm enough by the anger boiling inside of his stomach, but soon he settled down and got under the blanket with Armin. Mikasa just held the scarf closer to her, looking at Eren or my back. Her gaze was scarily familiar and you realized it was probably because she shared similar features to Levi, however she seemed to be oriental like the extinct people Mr. Flynn had once talked about.

“Why are you giving us food? Don’t the people here hate us? That’s why they sent them away to fight the Titans.” I spooned some porridge in my mouth, again not caring that I was burning my throat while doing it, and shook my head at Eren. 

“Someone I care about left with them too. I don’t hate you, I understand you.” That seemed to set him off again. Something about me, a person who’s in a house and has food, understanding him didn’t sit right in his heart. How could I understand his situation if it looked like I had everything he didn’t? In retrospect, it wasn’t the best thing to say. I understood only a little what he was going through, the orphan and fighting for yourself part, but not the trauma of watching your district be eaten by titans. 

“You can never understand us,” he growled, gripping the spoon hard. Okay, this was getting to be over-the-top. I understood why the Garrison might think he was too much. The anger in his eyes only let you see a little bit of what he had inside, and I’m sure that part was terrifying. If this boy got somewhere where he could display this anger, it wouldn’t be a good scene. Was I going to try and be his therapist? Well, I shouldn’t be. Not in the state that I’m in, but of course I was. That’s what the Flynn clan does. 

“Well, I’m an orphan, too. I grew up in the Underground. Someone I care for is out there right now with the refugee’s fighting to retake Wall Maria. I’d say we’re pretty similar, minus the titans.” I’d peaked Armin’s interest and his blue eyes shined up at me. He was the type to want to gain information. I could tell he was smart and well-read by the way he talked. Maybe I’d give him a book or two. 

“You grew up in the Underground? I’ve never met someone from there. What is it like? If you don’t mind answering…” I almost laughed at his sensitive nature. Normally, I wouldn’t be willing to indulge someone in my past, but today I was feeling open. It was because all four of us were now at a certain lowest point and he looked like he really wanted to know. 

“Awful. Damp. Smelly. I lived in an orphanage almost my whole time there. You’d get beat up all the time by people looking for food or money, none of which I had. The man who owned this bakery found me and took me home with other kids in my same situation. I guess I’m giving you food because it’s a habit I’ve developed. Take kids off the street and try to help them see the light. That’s what I thought I was going to do when I saw the Garrison Chief kick you, Eren. Sorry I can’t offer you more.” Eren’s face then morphed into one of guilt. It made me smile lightly, not a real smile, but one that knew what he was thinking. Too quick to judge. I used to be like that too. This therapist thing was really about to happen. 

“You know someone in the Scouts?” His tone had changed from before, and now it was the same as Armin’s inquiring one. Was he also a little boy infatuated with Humanity’s suicidal heroes? 

“Yes, I do. Haven’t seen or heard from him since they left.” I had to fight down some tears in front of the kids. Every time I thought about it, it made me cry. I didn’t know where Levi was, and there was no possible way he could send a letter with some sign or location. All I knew is that he probably wasn’t dead. I didn’t feel anything but loneliness in my heart, and that was the only indication he was alive. It was ironic that all these negative emotions made me feel comfort and safety. 

“I’m joining the Scouts. Next year. I want to kill all of them. All of the titans.” The look was back again, the one that gave you chills. This type of thinking was dangerous, because once he started his plan, he wasn’t going to stop. The anger, if no one quenched it, would continue on. I knew this anger all too well. Was he angry at the titans? Angry at the world? Which was it?

“What are you going to do when all the titans are gone?” I took another drink of tea, regretting feeling the taste when talking about things like this. It just made it harder and harder to focus on the situation at hand. 

Eren paused, probably not ever having thought about that possibility. In all honesty, it probably wasn’t a possibility. 

‘“I don’t… I don’t know.”

“Well, you have three years to figure it out before you join the Scouts. I’ve heard the man who trains you is brutal.” Levi had mentioned his name in passing. Keith. He was loud and wasn’t afraid to deal out punishments for the littlest thing. It was a point to break someone so the military could rebuild them in it’s image, and he seemed to be the perfect person for the job. He was also one of the only people who survived long enough in the Survey Corps to be retired to another position. 

“Fighting titans isn’t as heroic as you’re making it sound, Eren. While the Scouts… while they really are the ones who will save us, if anyone, they’re also the first to die. They’re the first to see their friends get eaten. The first to… I don’t mean to scare you, sorry,” I said that in response to Armin’s horrified face, “but it’s a big decision to make so young. I’ve seen someone go to the Scouts and never come back, but I know people who’ve been there for years and are still alive. If you have any doubts, then I’d advise you to not go.” Eren was determined, I knew that. There was no way my words were going to change his mind on this. However, I could see the fear behind Armin’s eyes. I wondered if he was being dragged into this by Eren, or if he really wanted to fight back. Maybe it was his grandfather’s possible death that motivated him, but you still felt his fear from across the room. Mikasa looked determined to follow any and everywhere Eren went, so she was gone too. But Armin. Something made me want to save him. Not from the winter cold, but from the fate he was creating for himself by joining the Scouts. Maybe I’d ask Levi to watch over them if he comes back. 

No. When he comes back. When. When. When. 

“Miss Eva?” I snapped back to the conversation we were having, noticing I’d dropped your spoon on the ground. Hopefully, they didn’t ask me anything. 

“I’m sorry, did you ask something?” Armin seemed hesitant to ask again, and it was almost hurting me how timid he was. He shouldn’t be fighting titans. 

“We just wanted to know if you knew about the mission to reclaim Wall Maria before…” I sighed, remembering the day Levi left. I thought about it over and over, the way he acted so differently. He was receptive to every touch, even initiating it while I made him some food to take along the way. To me, there was something wrong when I heard that the Scouts would be leaving at night and close to the outer edge of Trost. While he was holding me from behind, his face in my neck, I asked if I could send him off since it was the first expedition of the year. He gripped me harder, almost making me drop the rice from the stove, and rejected it. Even though he seemed to never leave my side in the house, when it was time for him to leave, he promptly let me go on my doorstep and only kissed my forehead. There was no goodbye, no smile, no annoying remark, no last kiss; it almost upset me, the quick change once he made his exodus. 

I realized a day later, after finally knowing what he was leaving to do, that he had to act like that to be able to leave. He probably thought that if he kissed me, he would be pulled back in too tight. I blamed myself too, for giving him weeks of regular, domestic bliss, that probably tortured him with every fleeting moment. If only I knew, I would have made it easier for him to leave. I wouldn’t have been so bold with my affections. His apprehension to sleep in my bed made sense now. It wasn’t just because of the connotation, but also because if he woke up on January First, entwined in my warmth, would he be able to throw the covers off and leave me? 

“No, I didn’t. I had no idea what I was sending him off to.” This time, I couldn’t hold back the tears that fell into my porridge. The only good thing in this situation was that fact that I gave him all the emotion that I could have. I’d sit in my bed for the first month, listing off the reasons that he didn’t tell me. The obvious, logical one was that I was a security threat. How far back did he know about this plan? That night on the couch, I was delivering bread to the refugees every other day. Did he not tell me because he didn’t want me to feel his hurt? He didn’t want me to tell them? The other one was a reason that had come from my mouth originally. 

_I’m not going to hold myself back because I’m afraid of what could happen._

If he told me about the expedition to reclaim Wall Maria, would I have acted differently? Would I have been more reserved or would I have intensified my affections because I only had a few weeks left with him? It seemed that he didn’t want to entertain that idea, and left me in some form of naïve domestic bliss.

“You three are much braver than I’ll ever be. I could never hold the responsibility the Scouts have.” I could never keep an operation like that under wraps. I could never listen to a government who sacrifices their people. I wasn’t strong like Levi. 

They left a few hours after that, and at some point I turned my attitude around, making them help me with some pastry orders. Eren was hopeless, so I made him run the mixer while Mikasa and Armin helped me assemble and decorate. Mikasa was amazing it at from the start, and I let her dollop on icing without supervision. It seemed like we all accepted that we didn’t want to talk about what was happening outside the bakery, so I asked them about their hobbies and interests. Anything to get our mind off the expedition. Armin liked to read, and I offered him a few books to take with him. Eren didn’t really do anything other than get into fights with some local boys and Mikasa was always the one who saved them. It was fitting for Eren, but I secretly hoped he had some other interest than fighting. Maybe cooking or something. I couldn’t criticize him though, because at that age I was exactly the same.

I was able to find some heavier sweaters for then, stealing some of Ben’s and my older clothes to give to them. The snow had stopped, but it wasn’t going to stop being cold and I didn’t want to see Armin shiver like I had before. Something about how delicate he was made my heart try to warm as I put the coat and blanket around his shoulders. He was already starting to develop a cold and his nose was running. 

“Stop giving the kids handouts. Pretty soon you’ll have all the little brats at your door wanting food and clothing.” I glared at the Captain who was sitting warm in his military issued coat. Just like Levi would be. 

“You’ve told me that before and nothing happened. I’ll give them what I want.” I could see Eren smirk up at the Captain who was finally getting back what he gave to others. I stood up and put my hands on my hips, ready to chew him out if he said something out of line next. 

“It seems helping raggedy kids off the street runs in the family,” he sneered and my hands went into fists. 

“It seems that the Garrison picks their officers the same way, _Captain._ ” He didn’t like that I got in the last word, so he wasn’t going to stop his insult. 

“How does it feel to support a group who lead thousands of people to their deaths, Eva? If you supported the Garrison half as much as you did the Scouts, maybe your café would still be open.” 

“At least I support a group who does something. All I see the Garrison doing is drinking themselves to death on the street. Do you really think you can fight against the titans when they show up?” The kids were just looking back and forth between the two of us as we spouted out insults. My anger was steadily growing as he kept going on about how the Scouts were going to all die outside the walls and how stupid they had become as an organization once Erwin took control. 

“That is, _if_ they come back, Eva. Your little love affair might be coming to a close soon.” My eyes widened at his statement, knowing exactly what he was talking about. He, along with others in Trost, had noticed Levi’s presence at the café, and tried to connect the dots themselves. Levi made sure he always walked in the front door during lunch rush, wearing the uniform that I washed the night previous. Still, it made people talk, like they enjoy doing. 

“He’s going to die, Eva. You have to know that!” The Captain stuck his face out near mine, a sly smirk on his face. 

_One day he’s going to die, Eva. If he doesn’t leave you before that._

_Scouts die everyday. There’s no guarantee that I’ll come back._

I sent him to the white ground, the blood from his nose painting it red. My knuckles burned, knowing that I hit him incorrectly; not the way Levi taught me. However, the anger I had built up over these past months had given me enough power to send him sprawling. Armin had let out a little shout, but the way that Eren reacted to it made me pause and collect my labored breathing. He was looking at the Captain, a look I’ve never seen before. A look others had probably seen on my face. He was smiling down at the Captain who was struggling to get up, holding a broken nose. My actions fueled the ones I wanted Eren to let go of because I was no different than him. I saw myself in Eren, that’s why I wanted to talk to him, and now here we were displaying the same behaviors I wanted him to stop. 

“If you kids need anything else, just come here.” I slammed the door behind me and locked it, knowing the Garrison Captain would want to get inside and give me a piece of his mind. 

I went to sit down on the hearth, not tending to the slowly dying fire. I just held my head in my hands and cried, not caring about the blood I could feel popping up around my knuckles. It was better to feel something other than sadness. That was the only good side of this situation. 

_Three Months After the Start of the Mission to Reclaim Wall Maria_

“I talked to Duran recently…” Ben trailed off, de-pitting the other cherries as I was heating up the sugar. 

“I think you’re the only one who talks to him still.” A Garrison member held up their coffee cup for a refill and I smiled at him to let him know I was on my way. The Captain hadn’t shown up here since that day. 

“Well, I’m the only one who thinks he’s a semi-decent person. He said he’s gotten some free time and might come down to visit. Maybe we could send a note to Catrin, too and get together like we used to.” I laughed at that, more of a scoff, and went to fill the member’s cup up, obliging in their second long conversation before I reverted my face back to its neutral position.

“I didn’t think Duran liked us that much to want to come back. He didn’t leave on a good note.” Ben put the cherries into the pot and I stirred, mashing them to make the filling for tonight’s cherry turnovers. 

“ _You_ two didn’t leave on a good note, but he said that he’s going to do some intense training soon, so he wants to come visit before he can’t. Since I’m this family’s head, I’m going to invite him. You know he’s going to want to see the apartment and the café.” I gave him a confused look, knowing the Duran that got into a screaming match with me before he stormed off without a goodbye. He hated the café and the apartment. In fact, he screamed that he wasn’t going to come back either, but now he’s _asking_ to visit? He must’ve hit his head. 

“I don’t think Duran’s presence will be the best for my mood.” Ben took a deep sigh, not knowing how to help me at this point. Being a good brother, he was trying any and every way to keep me happy and occupied. He also said that Jonas had heard people talking about me on the street, specifically how I seemed depressed, and so Ben had to come and see me because Jonas was still too stubborn. Ben said that to make me laugh, but somehow it made me feel worse. 

Even if we fought, if Jonas was hurting as much as I was, I would have visited him. Apparently, a whole childhood of friendship didn’t mean the same thing to him. 

“Duran told me something about that too, but I don’t think it would be the best for your mood to tell you.” I took the cherries off the heat and turned to take someone’s order, the fake smile plastered back on my face. Whatever Duran had to say, I was interested in hearing it. It was the most comfortable to live in naivety for the past three months, knowing in my heart that Levi wasn’t dead. It was also easier to be selfish that way. I didn’t want to worry about millions of people, I just wanted to worry about one. It made me feel like a horrible person every night when I wrote in my personal log, but at this point I couldn’t pull self-hate out of the vat of emotion I had inside. The only ones that came out regularly were self-pity, anger, sadness, and maybe the occasional sadistic humor. Everything else was fake. I was putting on a show to the people around me so they would stop asking if I was okay. I wasn’t, but I didn’t want them hearing it from my own mouth. 

“I don’t care what he says.” It was short and curt, enough to cut Ben off for a few minutes, frustrated with how I was acting. He was going to end up giving me some sort of lecture on why I should be happy, only for me to blow him off to go shut myself in my apartment before he could drag me to some family dinner. Those were the only times I saw Jonas, and even then we didn’t talk or look at each other. 

“Do you not talk to people because you feel they won’t understand you or…?” There it was. I rolled my eyes. 

“I just don’t want to talk about my feelings right now.” He put one hand on his hip. 

“So when and with who? Everyone here can see you’re dying inside.” Ouch. I went back to making the turnovers. 

“I don’t know, Ben. Not now and not with you.” That’s how I knew something was wrong deep down. Ben had to have known too. I told him everything, easily. If it wasn’t Jonas who knew, you could count on Ben. It ranges from my favorite color as a child to the worst thing I’ve ever done to someone. Yet, these feelings seem too scary to tell him. Too raw. They also were quite immoral to say out loud, and I felt that Ben, someone who worked closely with the people the government sent out to kill, would see me differently after I told him. I know he wouldn’t judge me, but there was just something there that didn’t let me, no matter how much he pressed. This may be the only thing I haven’t let Ben in on, and he was probably hurt too… and very concerned. 

At night, I’d try to write it out like Levi said, this feeling of needed to keep self-secrecy, but I just didn’t have the words to explain it. I didn’t have the words to explain a lot of things in my log, and most of the entries were not even half a page long. I would detail what happened during the day, which was the same thing over and over, and then I’d write a sentence on how I was feeling. When he came back, I knew he’d be disappointed at how little I’d shown him. 

Levi had left a letter the night he left, which I didn’t find till morning. This letter detailed everything that he didn’t tell me about the expedition, and also reassurances of his safety. He also instructed me to write out what happens while he’s gone so I wouldn’t forget him. Everyday I wrote, and everyday I’d read over it and hate the words on the page. I’d imagine him reading it and feeling burdened by what his absence made me feel. That was probably another reason I couldn’t write down what I was truly feeling. 

So there it always was, like a rain cloud over my head for three months straight. 

Tonight’s entry actually went over a half of a page because I had to elaborate on how Duran and I left each other after Mr. Flynn’s funeral. 

_Today was the same as yesterday and the day before that and the day before that. Ben came again, trying to get me to talk to him and helping at the café. Mr. Shwiner ordered a latte instead of black coffee, but I didn’t ask why. Ben told me he talked to Duran, remember, my brother. He’s joining some new MP branch and so he has mandatory training, and somehow that willed him to want to come to the place he hates before being locked up in wonderful Mitras. The last time Duran was here was after Mr. Flynn’s funeral and we got into a screaming match in the café. He said he never wanted to see this stupid place again and I slapped him across the face. It doesn’t make sense to me why he wants to come back. I don’t want him to come back. I want you to come back. Yes, that’s it for the day. Hopefully, this will be the last day I write this to you. If you come back tomorrow, I’ll tell you my real name._

_Knock. Knock._

I put the pencil and notebook down on my bed, groaning when I heard the knock. I shoved on my slippers walking to the door. Probably some nightwatch or Reeve’s company trying to get me to order more with all the money I don’t have. Either way, they’d end up with my door thrown in their face. 

“ _What_ do you need this late after dinner?”

He just stood there, staring at me. His hands were in his pockets too, but I could see them twitching, not knowing what to say. I took one good look at his figure, up and down, and then went to slam the door. 

“Wait!” His hand caught it, pushing the door back a little bit so I could see his face still.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t want anything else. I already put in my order for this month.” My tone was harsher than I expected it to be. 

“Eva-” I raised my voice. 

“I said I already ordered!” Still, he wouldn’t let me close the door, and I turned my face away from him. Did I feel abandoned? Yes. Was it partly my own fault? Also, yes. This is why I turned away from him, because I didn’t want to face those emotions when all these other ones are building up. 

“Eva, I need to come in.” His hand was still flat on the door, making it impossible for me to close it on him. Even if I didn’t want him to come inside, he was going to push his way in. I just walked away from the open door, leaving him to close it as he came in. Still, I had my back turned towards him as I stood in the center of the living room between the two couches. 

“Eva, we need to talk.” I crossed my arms, looking over my shoulder slightly to see his face. It shouldn’t look so out of place to have him stand here. 

“Say what you need to say then get out.” I cursed myself for letting him hear how shaking my voice was. He knew I was holding in tears.

“Eva, just stop thi-” 

“Stop what?” He sighed, just like Ben did this morning, but it was deeper. He was getting ready to yell. I flinched on impact.

“Stop acting like you’re fine!” The silence hung after he yelled. That’s when _he_ knew I was gone. Just like how I have an instinct around Ben, I have one around Jonas as well. When he fights, I fight back. That’s how it’s always been. Now, I was just standing there letting him do this. That’s how drained I was. Yet, I wasn’t drained enough to not try and hurt him back. To expel my emotions in some other way than crying. 

“Stop acting like you care.” He laughed after that. Three times.

“Oh, Eva, you know I’m the person who cares the most.” His tone was calm, not sarcastic or dripping with anger like mine was. It made me feel worse. 

“It only took you four months.” 

“Well, you waited six months for him so I though-” I turned around sharply, my eyes probably wild as I started over at him. 

“Leave.” He held up his hands in defense. 

“Okay, I’m sorry, that one just slipped out.” My glare was serious. If he was here to talk about Levi, he was going to exit. 

“I’m not here to talk to you about your relationship and I know you don’t want my apology. I’m here because I promised you something a long time ago.” That made me intrigued. I don’t remember promising him anything. 

“Which is?” He smiled lightly, finally having my attention. I wouldn’t have kicked him out. I would have let him talk either way. 

“When we first went to secondary school, that first day, do you remember what happened?” 

“I kicked the boy in the side and got reprimanded, yes.” 

“And you saved me from getting beat up by the older kids.” Jonas had always gotten into fights from primary to the beginning of secondary. I don’t know if it was because his face looked punchable, but he would always attract upperclassmen boys who wanted to kick him off some sort of high horse they thought he was on. I always felt like I had to help him too, no matter the situation, even if we were probably the smallest kids and would end up in the headmasters office. Still, I didn’t see the relevance of him bringing this up and he could tell he was ringing no bells.

“That day, do you remember what happened that made you kick the boy’s head?” My eyes widened. Oh. We were thinking of two different days. The day he was referring too was… 

“I remember yes,” my voice had gotten softer and all the anger had left it. That day had been shoved into the back of my memory for years. This also let Jonas know he was getting to his point. 

“You told me that you never wanted to be that person again. The person who said that you wanted to kick the boy’s head until his blood painted your shoes.” You shivered when he repeated your words. You did say that, but after as you were standing outside the headmaster’s office while Ben played your caretaker. 

Mr. Flynn said it happened to all of his kids. Once they reach puberty, something in them snaps and the trauma comes flooding back through. He hoped that with the right care, it would never happen to me, and he thought it didn’t, because that was the day I started confining in Ben. At first, I would steal things from the booths or even money from the register, but I would horde them in a box under my bed. I wanted control over the things I had. Ben said he started that way too. Next, I would hurt things smaller than me, giving back the world the pain I suffered. It was a power dynamic. I finally had power over something. It made me understand why older girls would kick my ribs in the Underground alleyways. Finally, months of these behaviors culminated into that day. 

He was kicking Jonas on the ground, like the people in the Underground, and the two other boys on his side watched. I ran over, yelling at them with my fists as tight as they would go. I was still small from malnourishment, but I knew how to fight from years of doing it. It was all fine and normal, only throwing insults back and forth, until he called me an Underground rat. They knew where I lived and who my caretaker was. That’s when it all came flooding back. I didn’t want to hurt small things anymore, I wanted to kill that boy who was hurting Jonas and making me feel the way he did. Ben said that it was a form of atonement for the times I was beat up in the Underground and couldn’t do anything. My body atoned for those periods of weakness by taking it all out on this one boy a grade above me. 

I can remember the words I spat at him and his friends. _I’ll kick you till your blood paints my shoes. I’ll show you who you call an Underground rat._ This _is the Underground! Are you happy now? Isn’t this what you wanted?! Stop yelling for help, it isn’t coming!_ It took Jonas and the two other friends to hold me back, as well as a teacher seeing from outside his window. The only saving grace was that no student saw it happen as they had caught Jonas in a corner. Therefore, when those three boys went to their class and said something, no one believed him. I was too small and never spoke. Ben came, took one look at my dilated eyes, and knew right away what happened. The instant he looked at me, the guilt came flooding through. I realized what I did to that boy. I realized what was happening in these past few months. While the headmaster was threatening to throw me out, I cried probably for the first time in front of Jonas.

I made him promise. 

“You made me promise that if you were ever starting to go back to how you were in the Underground, that I’d have to stop you before it was too late, and here I am.” I deflated when he said that, because I knew it was completely true. Recollecting the feelings I felt back then, way back then, it felt exactly like now. I felt hopeless, alone, lost. The only difference was that I was waiting for someone to come back and take those emotions away. 

“Jonas,” maybe it was a plea for him to stop talking. If he kept going, I’d break.

“You’re going back, Eva. I heard what happened with the Garrison Captain. Even if he deserved it, it’s not like you to break someone’s nose. That coupled with the fact that everyone in Trost is coming up to ask me why you look like you’re always in pain… Eva, I’m still not over what we talked about before, but that doesn’t matter when you’re spiraling back into the girl from the Underground who lets no one care for her. Who only lets _one_ person care for her and when they’re gone she shuts down completely.” I clenched my fists again, feeling exactly like the girl in the school corner that day, but now instead of anger, I was about to collapse.

“What’s wrong? Why do you feel like this? Is it all because of him?” His voice was soft, like it used to be. Those nights when he would comfort me from a nightmare came back into my mind. He would always know the right things to say to make me feel better. He would say the things that didn’t make me feel like I was that helpless girl back in the Underground who had to kill to stay alive. Would that make me feel better now? 

“I…” I took a deep breath, trying to give myself a chance. A chance to speak. A chance to feel something other than sadness. 

“I…” I looked up at him again, his eyes pleading for me to continue. This was exactly like before. I was afraid to share what I was thinking, knowing how awful it was, just for it to culminate and me trying to kill a boy. I was afraid. I wanted Levi to come back. If he was back, I wouldn’t be afraid of what might happen if he doesn’t come back. 

“It’s because of him.” I felt weak when I said that, and it didn’t help that my legs felt like they were about to collapse. Jonas saw this. He saw how I was about to fall over from something and he came over quickly, sitting me down on the couch while he sat on top of the coffee table. His hand was on top of my knee. For once, I wasn’t shying away from human contact. The human contact that I needed because I was reverting back. Yes, I needed Jonas right now. I regretted letting him stay away for so long. Again, I was being selfish. So selfish. What did he think about this contact? 

“It’s fine to feel like this about someone you love, Eva.” I was hurting Jonas now, not just me. This is why I didn’t want to share my emotions in the first place. I was burdening him because he had to comfort me about someone he didn’t like. About someone he wanted to be. The fight we had was coming back in my head too. I put my head in my hands, trying to push it back. I was on overdrive. 

“Eva, what’s wrong?” His voice stayed soft, regardless of how I was acting. Yet, his eyes were gaining intensity as I seemed to be getting worse. 

“Jonas, I’m hurting you.” His grip tightened on my knee just a little bit. 

“No you aren’t, Eva. Right now, I’m trying to make sure my best friend is okay. _You’re_ hurting.” With that, I took my hands off of my head and looked up at the ceiling. He called me his best friend. Like before. Best friend. How had I gone months without having Jonas to rely on like I used to? Maybe that was the difference this time. Before when Levi was gone, I confided in Jonas. I told him if I was sad. He knew when I woke up in tears to some nightmare. Now, I had forcibly removed myself from him and from everyone else. I had no one to turn to. Is that why this time hurt so much more? 

“I miss him, Jonas, and I want him back. I’m frustrated that the government made him do this, but on the other hand I don’t care about the refugees. I want him to come back. I’m a horrible person. I made bread for them. I handed them soup and talked to them like they were friends. Now here I am, not caring about them, not even one bit. I felt sad when I read what was happening, but was I sad for them, or was I sad that we as a society have gotten to the point that we have to sacrifice thousands of people to survive?” He didn’t move from his seat on the table like he normally would, but as soon as I got that out, it felt a little better. I didn’t mind the small tears that fell on my face, and he just nodded in agreement with what I said. It was just like before. 

“I think that’s normal to do when you love someone. You don’t care about the others around them, you care just about them. It’s also good that you recognize your thinking is bad. It would be worse if you felt like that and had no remorse.” 

“I think about it sometimes. What you said. I sit up at night and stare at the wall, thinking about in five years, will I be in the exact same spot? Can I wait that long for him? That makes me feel awful too. All he does is fight to protect us, and I’m being selfish. I’m so _selfish_.” He shook his head and I lowered my head to look at him. 

“Eva, you know what you’re feeling is all normal, right? You love him, but can you keep hurting yourself like this for the sake of love? Sorry, I know I told you I wasn’t going to talk about your relationship.” I just shrugged at him and leaned forward to rest my head in my hands again. I wiped off some tears too. It was a miracle I wasn’t sobbing at this point, but maybe before I was sobbing because I had no one to say all of this to. 

“Are you saying that still hoping I’ll break up with him and come to you?” I wanted him to say it. Just because he was coming to talk to me as my friend doesn’t mean he was thinking that when standing outside of my door, gaining the courage to knock. 

“Right now, I’m thinking about what will make you not feel horrible. Am I considering the possibility of what you said? Yes, but I’ve had four-ish months to work through my feelings.” I nodded, not wanting to push him further. 

“Is that all you’ve been feeling this whole time?” 

“I have nightmares of him dying. I wake up and my heart is racing, I’m crying, but I know he isn’t dead. Still, it’s scary to see that in front of me every night. I don’t think I’ve slept more than three hours in a night since he left. Then, I tell myself throughout the day to not think about it and serve the customers, but I can’t help it. I’ve started picking at my hands again, even with the lotion. It’s anxiety, I know it is. I’m anxious about his condition, and then I get anxious when I think I’m starting to think about him again because it makes me anxious. It’s a vicious cycle. I only allow myself to think about it completely at night before I go to bed. That’s probably why I have such horrible nightmares about it too.”

“And I wasn’t here, too.” I just nodded, knowing that I’d have to draw that boundary with him once I asked him to stay tonight. He probably came here hoping for it too. I’d have him sleep on the couch like he always does, but I won’t allow him to come in my room. 

“I couldn’t tell Ben because… I don’t know, I just felt if I told him things about the refugee’s he’d judge me. I care about them and how many of them make it back, but I care more about Levi and his well being. If only Levi came back, just one person, I’d be happy. It’d be such a smack in the face to the refugee kids and families, but I’d walk around Trost happy. I can’t believe I can say that, especially when I just fed and gave clothing to three refugee kids whose families probably went to fight the titans.” I groaned and lifted my legs up on the couch so I could put my head in between my knees. 

“He’s just worried about you, Eva. That’s all. He tells me everyday too, but when he came back today and told me what you said to him, that’s when I knew I had to come here and keep my promise. You told him that you weren’t going to tell him. Not now and not with you. He was just afraid that something awful happened like before.” 

“Something awful did happen.” Jonas just nodded, agreeing again with me. He probably thought Levi was the awful thing. 

“Thank you for telling me. Thank you for letting me in. Like before. We’re going to go back to before. If not for myself, for you. You need people around you, Eva. It hurts me seeing you walk around Trost with absolutely no life in your eyes. I couldn’t look at you at dinner because I couldn’t face the fact that… It took me four months to realize that my feelings don’t matter when you’re dying inside. If anyone was being selfish, it was me. It took this much for me to realize that, and I apologize.” That made me feel some form of warmth in my heart. For the first time in months. His apology, gaining my friend back, it made me feel something other than sadness. That’s what made the tears flow even heavier, but my head was between my knees so he couldn’t see it. I’d finally started to feel again. It was an indication that I wasn’t reverting back to my inhuman ways. I just nodded and accepted his apology. 

“C-can you stay? Tonight?” This made his smile grow even wider. It was just like before. Of course, there would be rules and lines that weren’t able to be crossed now, but I knew he deemed it worth it. I did too. 

“Yeah, just give me a better blanket than last time.” His lighthearted voice made me feel a little better. Maybe tonight, I would cry only a little bit for Levi.

“If… I-If I have nightmares, I’ll just - yeah, I’ll just come out here?” It shouldn’t have been a suggestion, but even so he agreed to it, knowing why I said that. I also remembered Levi’s reaction to when I told him what Jonas did to comfort me. It did cross a line from friend to something else in Levi and Jonas’ eyes. It made sense too. We weren’t twelve and the room in my bed that was once there for Jonas had been taken up, or well, will be taken up soon by Levi. I couldn’t let someone else take his spot that easily. 

I stood up to go to sleep, knowing that’s what my body wanted. My body also wanted to leave Jonas before I started really crying. It was only a few minutes until the emotion of all the words I said came too. It was always delayed. I’d write my log entry and it would be five minutes until I’d cry. I’d read Levi’s letters over and over again and then a few minutes later, the tears would fall and dampen the paper. I knew the same would happen here, too. 

“Goodnight, Jonas.” He smiled up at me again from the couch, having the heavier blanket this time. 

“Night, Ev. This feels right, like it should be. Just don’t snore, yeah?” I wasn’t ready to smile at people yet, so I just nodded. That made his smile drop too. It was going to take more than a vague heart-to-heart for me to feel okay again. 

“Eva, I know I wasn’t going to say stuff like this bu-” I closed my eyes and cut him off. 

“Just say it. Don’t hide things anymore, that’s what got us in this mess.”

“Is it worth being with him if every time he’s away, you fall into a hole so deep you can’t pull yourself out? Is the love worth the pain?” That one hurt and the delayed tears were making their way up. I felt ashamed to close the door without giving him some type of reassuring answer. He knew I was going to cry. The walls were thin and he heard it. He would always hear it. That made me feel worse. I took one step forward and then took that same one back. 

_Jonas came tonight. Just now. I felt like I had to add that in for you so you didn’t find it annoying when he was back when you come back. I realized that this time was worse because I shut myself out from everyone else. Before, those six months, he was there. No matter how much you might hate it, he’s someone I can talk to. I can freely share my emotions when you’re not there. Do you have someone like that too? Hange? Erwin? I hope you do, because I’ve realized I can’t do this alone. Don’t worry, he’s on the couch and I told him not to come in here either. I have to keep this spot warm for you. If you come back tomorrow, you have to hold me to sleep. No exceptions._


	14. Forget

His homecoming wasn’t eventful, nor was it welcomed by the others of Trost. They came back in the night, a tenth of what they left with, and yet people were still up to throw things out the windows at the Scouts as they proceeded to their base. I wasn’t awake for that part, and Jonas thought it was best to not wake me. He told me the next morning that he’d locked eyes with Levi and he almost shrunk away from the window. Jonas thought the rage he saw was directed at his presence, and he was probably half right, but the other was just towards the world in general. 

He didn’t come into the cafe the next morning like he usually did. No. I was sure the Scouts would stay out of Trost for a while and their own safety. It never made sense to me though. The people of Trost would rejoice that the famine was over but in the same breath blame all hundred-some Scouts for not being able to protect millions of people. I held my tongue, giving the everlasting fake smile. There was no reason to fight anymore. They were home and most were safe. Levi was safe and in one piece and I would probably see him tonight. 

Five months after they left. 

Flowers were already growing out of the ground, and there was no need to wear a jacket anymore. Sometimes, I would go out and sit in the meadow facing the Scouts HQ, just like Levi and I had before. I would allow myself to sit and think clearly. Sometimes, I would sneak to the Scout HQ and feed the horses that were left behind for various injuries, evading the one Scout they left for the same reason. I’m sure the young boy knew I was there, but he seemed to not mind. I took feeding the horses off his daily to-do list. I wasn’t happy by any means, but after getting Jonas back, it made it easier to be alone with my thoughts. 

“You don’t need to stay tonight, Jonas,” I told him, putting the chairs up so he could sweep the floor. He gave me an annoyed look, but nodded, understanding why. 

“Just don’t forget about me even if he’s back,” it was a low whisper so he could try to hide the begging nature of it. I knew better than to let Jonas go this time. 

“Don’t worry. How could I forget about your ugly face?" His mouth went wide and I laughed. Before I could dodge, a wet rag flew at my head, narrowly missing me. 

That night, I sat on my couch reading some random book, waiting for a knock at the door. My heart was beating the whole time, and I couldn’t focus on the words I was trying to read. It had been so long since I’ve seen his face. Since I felt his touch. I wish I had some drawing to be able to look at his face instead of imagining him through his cursive or button-ups. Maybe I’d ask him to get one. There were random men who sat in the Trost city square and drew people for money. Maybe I would get him one of myself too, knowing that the small stitches on his cape wouldn’t last long. My mind was swirling with ideas, trying to keep it occupied. When the clock on the wall hit three in the morning, I was losing hope. In my hands now was the journal I’d faithfully written in for five months. It was the first thing I’d give to him, showing that I was still devoted despite the distance. Even if it was hard for him to read it, he told me to do it, and I did. Every single night I did. I wondered if he’d done something similar, but he probably wouldn’t want to share with me, nor recall the days he had outside of the walls. 

At eight in the morning, Jonas had let himself in after yelling up from the very full cafe. He saw me sleeping on the couch, the journal still in my arms, no indication that Levi had been there. When he woke me up, I could tell there was pity in his eyes. I shied away from it, going to get dressed to work. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He’d just gotten back and it was hard to get into Trost without ridicule. He’d come eventually. I already felt more at ease knowing that he was alive anyway. 

The next night, he didn’t come either. Then the next. Then the next. It turned into a week. Then another week. Every day, I would wake up and give him excuses. I would smile at Jonas and ask him how he slept. I would stare at his table in the cafe, now occupied by a different customer. Once the time kept ticking on, I knew that there wasn’t anything holding him back from coming. There wasn’t anything holding back from sending some letter or note with Erwin’s private service either. The only thing holding him back was himself, but I didn't want to come to that reality. How could someone who'd left me the way he did, lingering touches on my doorstep, not want to come back?

That’s how I ended up at the Scout HQ stables again. Their numbers had dwindled again, and by Levi’s past letters I knew when mandatory lunch service was. Again, I felt alone as the wind blew through my hair, yet this time I was staring Levi’s horse in the eyes. The horse that almost bit my head off. I could see she was injured, and I reached out to pet her nose, giving an apple I’d brought from the cafe. She seemed to be thankful for the offering and let me into her stable without a problem. I slipped the journal into a cubby with some riding supplies, hoping he’d see it sometime. Before leaving on Jonas’s horse, I glanced up at the windows of the abandoned castle, the sun reflecting in them enough to blind my eyes.

“Ma’am, what are you doing near the horses?” I looked down at the cadet who was left behind. He knew my face by now, but he seemed not afraid to confront me anymore. I raised one hand to him, the wind picking up around me, blowing my skirt up. 

“I’m just leaving. Don’t mind me.” He held his hand up, beaconing me not to leave before I could answer whatever questions he had. I didn’t hear what he was yelling at me as I rode back towards Trost. Hopefully, he would report that someone was near the stables and Levi would find my notebook. If anything, I wanted him to read that. If he saw how sad I was without him there, then maybe he would come back quicker. 

“It’s been how long?” Jonas asked as I returned his horse later that night. He taught me how to ride it a month ago, seeing how I could only use public transportation to get to Mitras, which took money and hours. While I was still unsettled getting on anyone’s horse, Jonas’s was nice to me and I fed it extra apples for good measure. I was doing that right now as he brushed her out. 

“Almost three weeks since they’ve come back.” He nodded and continued to brush, not pushing the obvious response. Jonas had gotten much better at that. He’d let me think when I needed to, and then only when I was getting beside myself he would jump in. There wasn’t any need to do that right now, and my mood had gotten more control over the past few weeks that he didn't need to do any intervention work recently. 

“It’s almost May Day. There are enough supplies to celebrate this year, so Trost is having a little festival to make up for Spring.” I pet the horse on her nose before hopping up on the stable’s door to sit. 

“Are you asking me to go drink with your friends since no one did it for the Equinox and now there’s an excuse?” He huffed once in laugher, trying to feign his innocence. 

“No, I was just going to ask you if you were free next week for no reason. Drinking? How dare we? We’re getting too old for that sort of stuff.” I smiled lightly down at him as he put away the horse’s brush to turn to face me. 

“Sure, I’ll go. It’s been a long time since I’ve been out.” A big smile broke out on his face when I agreed, and it seemed to carry all the way into next week. He would never stop reminding me that on Saturday, we would go to the festival to grab drinks and take them outside to the meadow near the walls. At one point, I had to bar him from talking for a few hours so I could get work done. When the day finally came and I closed the shop, he was bouncing off the walls watching all the people walk to the town square. 

“You know, usually we’re taking Elias and June to these types of things,” I reminded him and he just shrugged. June was probably working and Elias would be with his school friends running around. We’d probably see him on our way out of town. 

“When they turn eighteen, I’ll gladly take them for their first drunk meadow excursion. It’s a right of passage.” You rolled your eyes at him, remembering his first time puking at the base of a tree in the meadow. A right of passage, sure. 

Jonas’s friends were a rowdy bunch. They were that way in high school as well and never changed how many years out we were now. While you weren’t very much involved with them unless forced by Jonas, you knew the four of them well enough to be comfortable to drink with them. Two of them, Jonas’s roommates, brought girlfriends or girls they were trying to entertain with. Again, I didn’t know them all that well, but I’d be sure to ask Jonas as we walked behind the rest. 

It was refreshing to be out like this, as we walked past the Garrison to be let into Wall Rose. The atmosphere was up, some of the boys having already downed a few drinks, and everyone seemed happier than before. The news of millions of refugees dying didn’t affect them, so why did they have to feel sad about it? In moments like this, it made me think of my own existence and how selfish it was to do these sorts of things. We were exploiting the safety of Wall Rose to go and drink, not thinking at all about titans or a food shortage anymore. I wanted to apologize to the refugees whom I served previously, but they were undoubtedly all gone. 

“Hey,” Jonas nudged me, probably seeing my glazed-over expression, “Live in the moment?” He suggested as the wind picked up around us. The grass blew in the breeze, and we turned to walk against the wall. The meadow near the wall was only a few minutes walk, and near a village of farmers. One time, during a game of truth or dare, Jonas was dared to go pick a farmer's pumpkin, which ended up with him being chased a good half-mile from where we were original. The only person who waited for him to get back that night was me and we both got scolded for how late we had returned. Ben was also very suspicious of how dirty Jonas's pants had become and later he guilted me into telling him everything that happened, minus the underage drinking.

“I’ll try,” I told him, pushing away the thoughts I had before. Selfish. The refugees weren't able to separate their life from the certain death they were facing by the titans. They weren't able to go off and celebrate like we were. Imagine if Eren Jaeger could see me now. I could see the anger lighting up in his eyes knowing what we were doing. I looked out into the wild expanse of grass, knowing right where the Scout HQ would lie over the hills. What would Levi be doing right now? It was around dinner time for them if the breakdown of his schedule was still accurate. Would he approve of the activities I was about to indulge in? Probably not. 

“Eva,” Jonas said again, snapping me out of my thoughts once more. His expression was now concerned, but there were shouts as we reached the destination, those already buzzed excited to get even drunker. Laughter rippled through the air and the wind carried it further along the wall, echoing. It was a weird sound for me to hear, and I realized then how long it had been since I’d even left my sphere of influence. I’d been to the capital a few times for supplies, and I’d visited the Scout HQ twice, but those were all by myself. I haven’t done anything with other people for a long, long time. I used that fact to try to convince myself that I deserved this break as I took a sip of the cheap wine that was brought. 

They all talked and talked about their lives, whatever drama was going on around in their shared friend groups, and how many people were getting “panicked married” as Hulia, one of the potential girlfriends put it. I agreed with them, nodding my head and inputting some opinions here and there, but I was never engaged in the conversation enough to start my own. I would just sip and sip, not minding how much Raphel was filling my cup with. 

The more I drank, the more it made me think about Levi. Why hadn’t he come and visited me yet? Did he not like me anymore? Had I done something wrong? Had something happened on the expedition? Did he find someone else? All of these were running through my head at hundreds of miles per hour, that when Jonas nudged me to answer a question Hulia asked, I had to make her repeat it. 

“When do you think you’ll get married, Eva?” She asked with no ill-intent, and there was a dreamy look of romance in her eyes with this question. I wasn’t the first one to answer the question, but I was also the only girl here that wasn’t with her boyfriend or whatever they were to each other. I wondered what the other two had said. Probably something cute and romantic. They’d get married in Trost, maybe move to Wall Sina, and start a happy little family away from the titans and away from conflict. There had to be something in there about flowers and picking out a dress too. Maybe I wished I listened to them so I could fake an answer and model it after theirs. If I was thinking realistically, my chances of getting married now were slim to none. At least, that was what I had gotten from Levi. Actually, we never talked about those things, and it became clearer and clearer why. First, he didn’t think he was going to come back from this expedition. Secondly, how were you supposed to dream about marriage when you don’t know what the next day is going to bring? 

So I lied to them and Jonas knew. The look in his eyes told me he knew what I was truly thinking.

“Sometime later in life. Not right now, but when I can settle down and hand to the cafe over to someone for a bit. I have no dress or inheritance from my mother, so that part will be quite difficult.” Hulia was digging me further into a grave, not feeling my discontent or seeing Jonas's stare.

“Oh, Eva!” She clasped her hands together, “I think you’d look beautiful in a white dress! You can have Ben walk you down too and you can have those blue flowers that you always love to have in your cafe. It will be one of those small intimate marriage ceremonies, you know? When I get married, I have so much family I don’t know where I could fit them all!” I gave her a look, but she was too drunk to realize the weight of her words. Was she bragging about how big her family was to me? I had half a mind to tell her off, and of course, the wine was fueling me. How many glasses did I down while looking into the fading horizon?

The others were now running around in the field, playing some sort of game like the kids their wine-filled brains told them they were. I used to be like that when I was drunk. I’d play tag or truth or date or some type of game that children play in school. Arguably, that was before I swore off drinking after getting so drunk I couldn't stop throwing up the next day. Now here I was, thinking randomly about the end of the world while staring off into the setting sun. Jonas wasn’t with them either, and I knew my attitude made him barely drink. He just sat next to me, leaning back on his hands, trying to find the words to say. 

“Do you think the world will end because of the titans or because of the humans?” He sighed and let out a ‘what the fuck’, before entertaining me. He knew I was drunk.

“Humans.” I shook my head, disagreeing with him. 

“I think it’ll be because of titans. Want to know why?” He picked at the grass but indulged me. 

“Why?”

“Because they’re already trying to ruin my life.” That made him pause, take the wine glass out of my hands, and down the rest of it for himself in one gulp. He was right, I didn’t need any more of that, or my true feelings were really going to come out. He probably still wasn't emotionally ready to hear me drunkenly babble about Levi when he could barely stand it sober. 

“What do you want to do about it?” I knew he was asking about the titan problem, but I remembered a conversation we had earlier. It had now been another month. Six. The same amount of time I’d waited for him last time, but the thing was last time he came to me right away. He loved me then, holding me at night on the couch. What was so different now? 

“I don’t want to do anything because I want him to come to me on his own, but I’m afraid if I don’t do anything, he won’t come.” He moved to sit up completely, trying to see the expression on my face. 

“And if he doesn’t come?” I could hear the faintest hint of hope in his voice, and it made me laugh sadistically. 

“I don’t know. I’ll spiral into madness again. Something like that.” He groaned and leaned back fully on the grass, hands behind his head. That was what I meant by not being able to handle it. 

“Do you want to know my opinion now that you’re drunk?” I scoffed. 

“I’m not drunk, but sure. I haven’t got much left to be sad about, give me more.” I went to take another sip, but the glass was emptied and so were the rest of the bottles we’d brought. This just left me to stare at whatever game the couples were playing. 

“I think he’s an asshole and doesn’t deserve the patience and kindness you’re giving him.” It sounded a lot calmer than I thought it would come out. I knew that already, though. I knew what Jonas thought of Levi, and that sentence was an extremely abridged version. I would always hear him mumble profanities and insults here and there about him whenever he was brought up, and I heard some of his famous opinions from Ben too. However, some of his opinions did get to me, mostly about the wait. Why was I waiting for so long? I thought about that too, late at night. What motivated me to stay with Levi even though he’s been away from me for at least a year in total. The time we’ve been together has been so small, and by now, I’m usually making breakfast every morning for the man I’m seeing. That’s what had happened before.

“You thought that about Kristian, too, and he was your friend.” Jonas froze next to me, having not heard that name exit my mouth in years. He thought it was an unspoken rule I’d given him to never mention Kristian. It was probably because I was drunk that I brought his name up, and this situation felt eerily similar to our past best friend.

“Well, Kristian wasn’t in the Scouts when you were with him. Same complaint, different circumstance.” The sun finally made its descent below the horizon, and the purples that spread throughout the sky masked the tears falling from my eyes. I hadn’t thought about Kristian for a while either, but something about this moment reminded me of him. One because, again, I'd picked someone over Jonas who didn't agree, and, two, because of what Jonas had said back then that he'd said before. He just thought that, now, it was taboo to bring in Kristian. 

“When you asked me if the pain was really worth the love, it made me think about Kristian.”

“Oh,” Jonas nodded, easily remembering how Kristian and I had left things, and how his death made it impossible to make things any better. Regardless of his death, Kristian wouldn't have been forgiven.

“With him, it wasn’t. I was always in pain near the end. He was too domineering, too chaotic; he was everything I was running away from. He was the temptation to turn back into what I once was, and it always excited me to teeter on that line with him. Thrilling maybe, but toxic. He crossed that line, and I stayed where I was. The pain back then wasn’t worth the two or three laughs Kristian would give me throughout the day.” There was a silence, both of us not knowing what to say to that. Kristian was gone, and he had been gone for years now. It felt wrong to speak on his name like that, but he deserved every bad thing that came to him. We both knew that too. 

“Kri-”

“I don’t feel that with Levi, Jonas. Right now, most of the time, I don’t feel the regret I felt back then when I was stuck with Kristian. But then I think, maybe I don’t feel it now, but down the road, I’ll feel it again. That scares me, because I really, really like being with Levi. When I’m with him I’m happy, but when I’m without him I can barely function. It’s codependency in a way. I was codependent on Kristian, and look where that got me. I don't want to be codependent on Levi, and I don't think I am right now, but it could be that way. I also just think I feel so awful now because, for five months, Levi was out fighting titans with no way of me knowing if he was dead or alive. It's not codependency but worries. Logical.” 

“So, you’re saying that you don’t feel like Levi is like Kristian, but you’re afraid that it might turn into that if things keep going the way they are?” I picked at the grass, not caring that tears were slowly falling down my face, making permanent trails. Actually, it had been a few good weeks since I'd cried about something. It felt like a good release now, and because I was far gone on wine, I didn't feel the depth of my tears. It was like I was just crying to cry, and not because all of the feelings I had when I was with Kristian were coming back. Not because I was scared it would turn out that way. 

“They were both Scouts.” He hummed, putting one of his hands on top of mine to stop my nervous picking of the grass. He was concerned, and you were glad the coming darkness hid your tears. If he saw them, he would take you back immediately. He would pull you up, makeup up some lie to the others, and sit me down on the couch after we got back, not holding me anymore, but just sitting to my right, a hand over mine. 

“This is very not me to say, but have you told Levi about this?” 

“What do you mean? About what?” He bit his lip, decided whether to say something or not to me. He always bit his lip when he was holding back something for my mental benefit, but I wanted him to say it. I needed him to say it. Something to snap me back to reality. 

“Does he know that your greatest fear is abandonment?” I pulled my knees to my chest, not liking out that sentence made me feel emotional. I’d like to say it was the wine that made me start crying even more, but I knew that wasn’t true. Jonas had broken some flood gate inside of me, finding the root of the problem was having. I was afraid of being abandoned. That was the real reason I’d work at the cafe hours and hours on end. If Mr. Flynn saw how I was a good worker, he would forget about my previous bad behavior or bad grade and he wouldn’t throw me out on the street again. If I just gave into Kristian’s physical wants and did what he said, then he wouldn’t leave me like before. He’d stay then. But now, I couldn’t think of something that I did or was doing to Levi. Was I making him face his feelings too early? Did the fact that I was weak and not a Scout deter him from coming to see me? I would do anything to fix it. To make him come back. Jonas just sat there with one hand on my back for what felt like forever. The laughter in the background took on a new cynical tone as I sat there in juxtaposition to their fun. I was thankful, too, that the sun was finally down, so in their drunken haze, they had no idea what was going on to the right of them.

The next day, I rode back to the Scout HQ, and seeing that the notebook I’d left two weeks ago was still there, I took it back with me. I had no idea why I felt like this, but I just needed to take it. It was like I had given him a three-week opening to my heart, and since he didn't take it, I'd take it back. If he wasn't moved to come back after reading it, if he even read it, then he didn't get to anymore. I really didn’t know what to do when I slammed it on my desk, along with the letters he wrote me previously scattered on the surface. I’d read them over and over again, trying to rationalize why he wouldn’t come back even when he wrote words as sweet as those. It had to have been the refugee expedition. Something had to have happened then for him to not want to see me, perhaps even ever again.

For the first time, I was angry at him.

He couldn’t even bless me with two minutes or a piece of paper to display his feelings towards me. He was hiding again, but this time there was no injury to hold him away from me. Jonas said he looked fine, and in one piece, and for the longest time I was glad. That was enough for me to get by; waiting for him. Waiting. Waiting. Why was I always waiting for him? In a burst of anger, I picked up the book and threw it across the room, hitting the blackboard with battle formations on it. The blackboard that Levi used when he was here. Everything that he left was still there, but now I knew the papers must not have been important if he didn’t come back for them. I shoved them back in the drawer, one by one, not caring if I bent them. What use would they have anyway? Next were the letters. I was going to keep them, I wasn’t that mad to ruin something this important to me, but I didn’t want to see them anymore. They would go in the drawer along with his papers. Lastly, I picked up the notebook that I threw on the floor. Five months of pain, and he didn’t have the decency to read it? This one, I let my fingers run along the cover, remembering how I wrote in this night after night. I could feel the pain come from the leather it was bound in. I remembered the moments I would just hold it, reading over my won words, and crying again. I flipped open the pages, skimming the words I wrote again for one last paintime. 

The last page didn’t have my handwriting on it. The very last page of the journal, the only one left blank, was now covered in that familiar cursive scrawl. I lifted a hand to cover my mouth, not knowing what feeling I had inside. He had read it… but even so, he didn’t come back. How long had it been since he’d picked up this notebook till now? 

_Evlynn M Flynn,_

_I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to you. For the ways I’ve made you feel inside. Reading this journal made me realize how much I hurt you. I’m sorry for everything. For giving you false hope and hypnotizing feelings. It was never my intention to make you feel like this adding my presence in your life. Find someone who gives you true happiness, because it will never be me._

_Levi_

What was this? He'd read it. Yet, I wasn't happy. I was the opposite of happy. I stared down at it, reading it over and over. The tears started to make the ink run on the page and I reached down to rip it out, crumbling it in my hands. Is this what I wanted? Some note? Some proof that he cared? And wasn’t I thinking the same things? His lack of presence caused me pain. His not being there hurt me emotionally and physically. I had written that in the notebook. We had read the same notebook, the same journal entries, so why did he interpret it so differently? Him leaving was going to be the best solution? Did he not see how I was lost without him there? 

I was angry. 

So much so that in the dead of the night, right after dinner and right after I'd gained the courage, I hitched up Jonas’s horse without him knowing. When the Garrison members stopped to ask where I was going, I just glared down at them and rode past the gates into Wall Rose. I knew that there would be cadets everywhere on the ground until my past visits. They would see me riding up, some might even stop and question me, but I had one motive. I was done waiting. What person tries to leave someone by leaving a short note? Is this how cowardly Humanity’s Strongest was? 

I rode on the HQ grounds, not breaking the horse's stride. The cadets turned to look, not ever seeing my face before. They probably turned to each other, asking about my presence, but I was past them too fast to notice any conversation. When I jumped off the horse, leaving someone else to take care of it, the same cadet I’d encountered before called out to me. He had to be a groundskeeper or something to always be chasing me off. Either way, I started up the stairs that I’d only walked up once, him behind me yelling. He never caught up, and when I turned the corner to the officer’s wing, he sounded even more frantic. If it was after dinner, the officers were sure to be in some form of meeting, and I wasn’t going to let them continue. Whatever it was, they had weeks to talk about it. This was a more pressing matter. 

“Please! Ma’am! The officers are-!” I shoved open Erwin’s door with ease, hearing it slam against the interior wall. They all turned their heads to look at me, all sitting around a table, a map in the middle displaying figures of titans and horses. Some I recognized and others I had no clue who they were, but I wasn’t looking at them. I stared down Levi whose eyes were as wide as he would let them. Had he forgotten he’d told me his schedule or was he surprised that the sad, depressed me had displayed this much effort to see him?

“Commander! I’m so sorry I let her get in here! I can take her away if-” Erwin held his hand up and was inspecting the look on my face. He knew there was no stopping me at this point, my breathing growing heavy as I looked back up at him, waiting for whatever orders he’d give me. Did he know why I was here? 

“Squad Leader Hange, can you take Miss. Flynn to your office, please? The meeting won’t go on for more than ten minutes.” Hange stood, pushing her glasses up to their original place, before walking over to me with a smile. She put one hand on my shoulder before speaking to me.

“Come on,” she said in a hushed tone, pulling me down the hallway silently after dismissing the cadet. There was tension there, but I couldn’t tell why. Did she know why you’d suddenly appeared? 

Hange’s office was different from Levi and Erwin's. Glassware, chemicals, and books were thrown everywhere with no organization. There were drawings of titan structures hanging all over the walls too, barely leaving the white brick exposed. The biggest difference was the fact that there were candles and oil lamps everywhere, illuminating her workspace and the room. It felt warm but did nothing to calm my anger.

“You know, I told him not to do it.” It didn’t make me feel any better, even if that was her intention. It made me think of how many _other_ people he’d talked to about this besides myself. She walked out after that, closing the door behind her and leaving me to stand in the middle of her office, looking at the books sprawled out on the center table. None of them really made any sense to me, filled with anatomy or certain titan sciences, but it still was a welcomed distraction from the conversation to be had five minutes in the future. I flipped through her hypothesis about titans and sunlight, a few things about their internal body, and other more complicated diagrams. I never knew Hange was this scientifically inclined, all I knew was that she was the designated doctor for the Scouts since the government thought it trivial to send them a real one. Come to think of it, there was nothing in this office that even hinted at medical care, meaning Hange probably just picked it up for necessity. 

Levi never told me much about the people in the Scout Reginime, probably for isolation purposes. I’ve only talked to Hange three times, and Erwin only once when he personally came to visit the cafe. It was interesting to see them in their natural habitat here, and I had to agree that the look Erwin first gave me when I stormed into their meeting was scary. He was the Commander though, it was his job to demand and control. Levi had called Hange a Squad Leader once, and I wasn’t able to ask him what that meant, but it was probably close to his rank as she was also in the officer’s meeting and had an office like this. Notably smaller than Levi’s it was still an office. Standing here now, I wished I’d known more about the place I stood and maybe about titans. 

“What are you doing here at this hour?” It was harsh and I was paying too much attention to Hange’s books to notice the door had opened and Levi came in. Still, I didn’t react to his words and just kept staring down at the book. Truthfully, I didn’t think I’d get to this point, and everything that I had rehearsed on the way here had left my head and had been replaced with slight happiness at finally seeing him again. It had been so long. There he was, standing unscathed, his eyes looking down at me. How badly did I want to run over there and throw my arms around him like the hug we shared when he left?

“Are you not going to talk to me? Isn’t that why you interrupted our meeting?” I wondered if he was happy to see me at all, but it didn’t seem like it. His voice was hallow and distant. There was no emotion in his eyes at all as I looked over my shoulder at him. He just leaned against the wall, arms crossed, looking right at me. When I, again, didn’t answer, he sighed and closed his eyes, eyebrows knitting together like _he_ was the one allowed to be frustrated. 

“If you’re not going to say anything, I’ll just leave. I have a personal meeting with Erwin.” He turned to open the door and that’s when my whole body turned to face him. It was a tactic, after all, just to get me to finally respond. He probably didn’t have anything to do other than paperwork, Erwin knowingly dismissing him. I held out the crumpled piece of paper out in front of my body and he took one look down at it, knowing exactly what it was. I had no idea how he thought he wouldn’t have to confront me about this personally, but he did seem a bit… annoyed? 

“I’m glad you read the journal, but I was not happy to find this in the back.” He sighed, turning away from the door and back to me.

“You need to forget. Forget about the Scouts. About the HQ. Everything. Forget about me.” The paper dropped from my hands, and I lost the composure I was holding in before. 

“You read through that whole journal and that’s what your solution was? To leave?!” His eyes shifted to the door, knowing someone outside was probably listening, so he kept his voice down. 

“Being with me hurts you, and it will continue to hurt you the more I have to be gone. You told me once that you’d be fine if I died, but after reading your words, I know that won’t be the case. You need to forget me now so I can’t hurt you more in the future.” I gripped my hands into fists, not believing what I was hearing. I could take it in written form, but I had thought up until now it was a mistake. 

“You know I don’t care about that!”

“But I do.” His voice was calm this whole time, showing no emotion. It was like he’d reverted before me. All the work and effort I’d put in to make him comfortable to share his feelings around me was crumbling. I couldn’t tell what he was feeling when he was saying these hollow words to me. 

“What happened? What happened between when you left for this expedition till now for you to think like that?” 

“Watching millions of people die in front of you makes you think about who you can and can’t protect. If I can’t protect them when they’re right in front of me, how am I supposed to be able to protect you?” I huffed in anger, looking at the ceiling as tears were threatening to fall. I was not about to cry in front of him. Not when he was giving me no emotion. He didn’t deserve mine. There was no regret or remorse in his voice either when speaking about the refugees. This was not the same man who had confided in me on the couch about how opposed he was to this mission. 

“You don’t need to protect me. I’m in Trost, I’m surrounded by other people, and you’ve taught me how to defend myself. Most of the time I’m with Jonas anyways. There’s nothing to be-” Levi seemed to catch something in my sentence and ride with it. The worst thing possible. 

“Go be with him.” That made me pause and blink. This couldn’t be real. There was no way he would have said that before. 

“Who are you?!” I yelled, feeling the frustration build and build. 

“I read the journal. Over and over. And every time I got to the point Jonas came back, you were happier. Over and over, I read about another man making you happy.” My mouth was wide open when he said that. Still, it was emotionless. What did he really want? It couldn’t have been that. It would have never been that. He'd vocalized his distaste for Jonas over and over again and now he was just yielding to him? This was not Levi.

“Joans is my friend. You know that. _You_ make me happy, Levi! So why are you taking that away from me?!” He shook his head, pushing himself off the wall. 

“He can give you what I can’t. You want a family, kids, whatever, I can never give you that. How can I think of my future when I know I’m not going to have one?” I put one hand on my head, finally getting a headache from everything he was saying. He wanted to let me go because he didn’t want to hurt me? Because he couldn’t give me what I wanted? Yet, I’ve told him so many times that all I want is him. He's agreed, too. He's told me what he feels for me. How deep he feels for me. And now he was going to throw that all away so easily? Levi was never someone to do something like this. He would never let me go this easily. 

“You’re not my Levi. Whoever is talking right now, you aren’t him. Levi would never say something like that!” 

“You’ve only known me for a total of four months, how do you know who Levi is?” I looked up at him fiercely, feeling that as an insult towards me. How did I not know who he was? 

“You’re not the Levi who fell asleep in my arms? The one who confided in me about his fears? About his past in the Underground? The one who kissed me every night with unyielding passion? That wasn’t you? Was I housing a stranger?” He scoffed this once. Just once, he gave me what he was feeling. He scoffed at me. He insulted me. And now, after I told him that, he couldn’t even look at me to deliver the final, heartbreaking line. The line that made me stop speaking and stare at the ground. The line that haunted me as I laid in bed that night, not being able to sleep. 

“The emotional codependency you have for me is stifling, Evlynn.”

That made me shake in anger, in sadness, I had no clue. It was the fact that he’d echoed my biggest insecurity out loud. Was I codependent on Levi for my happiness? I’d thought about it over and over, trying to get myself out of the five-month slump, but now, he just confirmed it. He confirmed that he hated it. I was stifling him. Everything he said before felt fake. It was an excuse to make me feel better about him leaving me, like it was even about me this whole time. He had written that note to hide his true feelings apparently, but how true were they? How could he go from holding me, loving me, to just... not feeling anything?

“T-then why are you… wh-why are you with me?” He still couldn’t look at my hunched over figure. 

“I only realized when I read your journal how dependent you are on me. It’s stifling. I don’t like it. I can’t deal with it when I have more important things to do.” It was like every word he said was a hammer, hitting me down lower and lower to the ground. I had to grip Hange’s table to stand, and even then it sent books flying to the floor. My heart was burning and so were my eyes. How could he be so cruel and brutal with me now? Was this the Captain Levi that everyone had talked about? The man you were convinced to be needy and kind was just now showing his true form.

“I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love me.” I could see the way he froze. The way he still couldn’t look at me even when I was ready to lock eyes with him for the last time. I was staring right at him, the tears still yet to fall. I couldn’t show him emotion, it would be burdensome, wouldn’t it? Still, he didn’t look at me. It was stomach-wrenching the silence in the room as he thought over his answer.

“I've never told you I loved you.”

No, that was the line that haunted me. That was the one that I’d think about forever. Yet, that was the one that forced me out of the room. I just stood up, balancing myself before I walked right out the door. Right past his body, the one who still couldn’t look at me and show me his true emotions. I would never get to see it again. I stopped, right before closing the door, and looking right at Hange who was standing against the back wall, probably in wait. Had she known? That’s why she told me that when I’d entered her office. He had told her everything. He’d told her that he didn’t love me and I was too burdensome for him. How many people had he told before telling me? Coward. This realization gave me a false calm as I was falling apart inside. I needed to be strong in front of him. I couldn't show him how much he'd just hurt me.

“I love you, Levi. And if you deem that as codependency, then I don’t think you’ll ever know what love is.” Hange didn’t look at me after that, she looked right at Levi. I saw the look in her eyes too. Anger. At least I had one person here who seemed to support me. I walked past her, down the stairs, and out the door quickly, grabbing the horse that someone had hitched up for me. The cadets had all gone to their rooms, and the field was empty. This allowed me to walk out of the Scout HQ grounds, knowing that he would be looking at me from a window. I didn’t turn around though. I didn’t look back to see if he was there. I just rode back to Trost, holding in the tears I had till I was sitting in Jonas’s stable, feeding his horse an apple for everything she’d seen while I took her from her sleep. I just cried and cried, hiding my sobs in the back of my hand. Trost wouldn't get to hear my wailing for him. For that _asshole_. For that spinless, cowardly, annoying, handsome, kind - no. The only person who got to heard my sob was me and Jonas's horse. 

“What did he do?” It was an angry voice behind me, but I didn’t look back at him. I didn’t want Jonas to see me crying over Levi again and again like he had warned me about. I didn’t want Jonas to know he was right. So, I just stood there and cried, and only allowed Jonas to see my face when he came to hug me to his chest in comfort. We stood there for what seemed like forever, and he didn't speak for the longest time. I wanted him too. I wanted him to confirm how awful Levi was so it was easy for me to start to forget. But who was I kidding, how was I going to forget him? In an out of my life like a flash, but one so bright that I'd still see him when I closed my eyes every night to sleep. I would never forget Levi. 

“Shh, I’m here, Eva. I won’t leave you.”


	15. Dedicate Your Heart

I thought I was going to die. Sitting there hearing his pompous ass ramble on about how better his life than ours in the Capital was going to make me go crazy if he didn’t stop. He seemed to enjoy it too. The way his lips curled into a smirk when he heard Jonas groan next to me as he went on and on about the luxuries of the capital and what the Military Police get for their monthly bonus. I was just trying to keep my best behavior up because Ben had threatened Jonas and me before this meet-up. It was even worse than I thought it was going to be too because Catrin wasn’t there to talk over him. I’d rather hear her babble on about her baby and hair salon than whatever shit is coming out of his mouth now. Duran was point-blank _lying_ about all of this and you knew it. MPs just sit around and do nothing in the capital, and now he was accepted to join a special team that was so top secret, he could only tell us _every_ detail? I didn’t buy it. Also, how was he considered an elite soldier? These were all the thoughts running through your mind while he talked. 

“That sounds like an amazing opportunity for you Duran. Maybe we can visit you as a family in the capital after your training.” I also laughed at Ben’s proposal, knowing good and well I was never going to willingly venture onto Duran’s turf where he can bullshit to us even more. If anything, we should show up at a random time so he’s taken by surprise and can’t cover up his lies with a few changes of cash. 

“But enough about me,” he feigned, “What’s been going on with you all here back home?” Ben looked at Jonas and me, then to his wife, and realized that he was the only one willing to talk, so he started off about his job and the cafe. I knew I’d be next, so I was trying to build some narrative in my head that Duran couldn’t pick apart. In the middle of the part where I’m trying to figure out how to _not_ tell him about closing the shop for a period of time, Jonas kicked me under the table. As annoyed as I was, when I saw him move his head towards the back door I was the first one out of my chair. 

“Fresh air,” I mumbled, before walking out, not hearing Duran’s comment when Jonas got up to join me. 

“Those two finally together?” I slammed the door, forgetting that Jonas was right behind, and he walked out holding his head. I mumbled sorry before starting up the ladder to the roof. The spot that Jonas and I always went to do nothing. Once on the roof, it gave a nice view across Trost and I could see the top of the walls where the guns and Garrison sat in wait. A few days ago, the whole of Trost was awoken by cannon fire, and it took all but two hours for the cafe to be bustling with the rumors that the first titan had reached the outside of Trost. To say it was scary was an understatement, but it was overly annoying that now the people were rejoicing how close the Scouts were to save Trost if anything happened. I don't remember those praises when the mission to reclaim the wall had happened. How easily they could switch up because they needed personal protection astounded me. After that incident, the Scouts had allocated a few people to stand watch every day at the wall to kill any abnormal or call for help if the titans that destroyed Shinganshia were back again. It was morbid, but I was waiting for the day that the Colossal Titan, as people were calling it, reached a hand over Trost’s walls. Staring at them now, I could just picture it. 

“Penny for your thought, Ev?” Jonas took out a pack of cigarettes, a habit he acquired in the past few months, and got something out of his pocket to light it. The roof and outside of my apartment was the only place he could do it without getting yelled at by Ben or his roommates. I had done my best to warm him the first few weeks, but he seemed not to care. Still, I had no idea why he started now when he had years previous to do it.

“Thinking about when the Colossal Titan reaches Trost.” He took a drag and just nodded, counting on comments of morbidity to come from my mouth. It was a common theme now. 

“Anything else less… intense? I’m trying to have a relaxing time up here before I have to go down and listen to Duran’s mouth.” I smiled lightly, dangling my legs off the edge of the building. I had to think of something else to say because that’s truly all I was thinking about. These days, I don’t try and let my mind run.

“I was thinking about paying a few petty gang members to jump Duran on his way back to Mitras. You want to donate a few notes?” He sighed, this time shaking his head, but I could see the smile on his face. It was a tempting offer for the day we’ve had to endure. 

“Unfortunately, my crime funds have run low. If Catrin was here, she’d donate though.”

“She would.” The wind whipped through once, and I put my arms around myself, regretting not storming out with at least a jacket. It was almost winter. One month till the end of the year. Six months. 

“How long did Ben say Duran was staying? Am I going to have to entertain him tomorrow in the cafe?” Jonas snuffed out his cigarette on the brick before leaning back a bit to feel the wind enter his ashed lungs. 

“The week I think. At least he’s not staying in your old bedroom. Now I can’t stay at home when I want to for the next week. I have a double shift in two days and it was so much easier to come back here and sleep.” I groaned. God, I was going to have to entertain him and his new happy-go-lucky attitude. That was the worst part. While he was still annoying, braggy, and covertly malicious, the only thing that changed is that he seemed less interested in fighting outright. Actually, it was even more annoying because there wasn’t anything to call him out for upfront. He hid his ass well and Ben seemed to be eating up this fake persona.

“At least Ben isn’t forcing you to make food for this fucking family picnic inside the walls. It’s your fault for telling him about the meadow. I have no idea why _now_ Ben feels like we need to be a family again, I’m almost thirty.” Jonas huffed one in laughter.

“I could think of a few reasons why, but I’d like to keep the peace we’ve made tonight.” I nodded, knowing what some of those reasons were.

“I’m glad you’ve made that decision.” He threw the cigarette off the building and I watched it fall and hit the ground. The last spark flew out of it when it hit the mud, and quickly burnt out. I just stared at it for what seemed like forever. 

“If you went back to your old self, you know, became happy again, I’m sure Dad wouldn’t force you on family picnics.” Ah, there it was. The daily comment about my state of emotion. It was different than last time. I wasn’t crying anymore and I didn’t show up to the cafe with bloodshot eyes from no sleep. No, I was calm. I was living on spite. There would be no tears for someone who would never drop them for me. There was anger. Definitely anger. Sometimes it came out too. The latest victim was Elias who had spilled over a whole pail of water and I yelled at him loud enough for Jonas, who was outside throwing away garbage, to hear. I bought him any sweet he wanted from the corner shop to apologize. He wasn’t the only one I’d let my anger out on. 

Hange visits me now. I don’t know why she does it, and every time she sits in his seat. At first, it was annoying to be reminded of him, but I grew to like her conversation. Once, however, she talked about him, and I yelled at her to stop. She seemed used to it for some reason, not even flinching with my harsh words. Even after, she continued as nothing happened and let me feel guilty. The last time she came, about the same time the first titan reached Trost, I treated her to an extra tart because of it. 

“This is me now, Jonas. Pretty much.” I pushed back the skin on my nails knowing he would protest that. 

“No, it’s not. I’ve never seen you act like this. This isn’t you.” I just hummed, agreeing so he would stop pressing it. I’d try my hardest every day to not think about it. One-track mind. 

“You two! Come back down! It’s time for dessert!” The door slammed behind Ben, signaling he’d gone back inside after yelling at us. Jonas stood up before I could say something back, motioning that the conversation was done. This is how it usually went. He was too overwhelmed with the fact that I had no emotion anymore and then just left the conversation. 

“Well come on then.” 

For the rest of the week, my detest towards Duran was building. He came every day to the cafe, dressed up in his MP uniform, and talked to everyone like he owned the place. Some of the older women also flaunted over him, remembering the days he was here and making some form of fake past where he _actually stayed_ in the cafe. I couldn’t even remember a clear time when he was in the cafe while I was working, and I worked there every day. They must have remembered something very, very different than I did. I just stood there and watched with distaste and told all my grievances to Jonas. On the day of the picnic, I was about to completely snap. 

The family picnic had included Elias and June and Jonas’s sister. Elias and June had come to the cafe that morning, asking if they could stay with me since their family was starting another cult meeting and I agreed, knowing it would be a welcoming distraction to Duran. We were now waiting outside Jonas’s house. Waiting for Duran to put his stupid MP gear on. He thought the citizens of Trost would marvel at his status, not having any MPs here, but I told him that they’d rather spit on him. That set him off once, but he easily controlled it. I guess this new squad needed him to control that nasty ass personality to be in it. Good.

“And the person who bought the book said that it was like brand new! Mr. Philpa even commended me on my work! I really think I’m starting to get the hang of it.” I mustered to give June a smile, trying to keep her happy atmosphere up. I would need it today if I was going to be forced to listen to Duran for hours now. Since I insulted him this morning, I was going to have a target on my back the rest of the day. That was very clear when he complimented how well my makeup covered up the huge black circles on my face. Passive agressive ass. 

“Alright, everyone! Time to head out!” Ben was over the moon that his family had gathered to do something. He was the family man, always. It was probably instilled in him by Mrs. Flynn, at least that’s what Catrin had said, and it was getting to be annoying. I could come to their house to eat, but to forcibly make me make food for Duran who was just going to complain about the flavor? I couldn’t handle that. I swore up and down the kitchen when I was making this last night. As we walked to the Trost entrance, Duran just kept talking, and even at the front of the pack with Jonas and Elias, I could still hear him rambling. It was giving me a headache, which was a telltale sign I was going to burst any minute. This is always what happens when I yell at someone. The anger builds up into physical pain, and I can’t get rid of it any other way. In the dead of the night, I’ll wake up from a dream and find no better remedy than yelling _Fuck_ really loud. It’s embarrassing when I forget Jonas is usually on my couch.

“You good?” Jonas leaned in to whisper in my ear and I just looked at him out of the side of my eyes. He got the memo and continued talking to Elias about his school work. It was too loud in this part of Trost, and Duran’s stupid voice was even louder. This coupled with the fact that people would stop to talk to Ben or even me was getting to be way too much. This is why I stayed in the cafe most of the time. 

“Eva, haven’t seen you come this way for a while,” the Garrison captain called out from where he and the morning watch were playing cards on a barrel. At that moment, I vividly remembered punching him in the face, and I was tempted to do it again as he stopped the whole party to talk to me. The way he said it was definitely hinting at the fact that I was no longer in his secretly assessed relationship. 

“I’ve just come when you’re not around, Captain. Probably drunk in a pub somewhere.” Duran was the first to hop into the conversation, ready to begin a military circle jerk. 

“Evylnn, that’s not how you talk to a military member! Good morning, Captain.” Duran held his hand out to the Captain who gave one weary look at it and shook it. He remembered Duran correctly and he knew how much trouble he’d gotten into as a kid. He was also probably surprised that he had an MP uniform on when he would throw rocks at the Garrison.

“I don’t know what it’s like in Mitras, but that’s how we talk to them here in Trost, Duran. Then again, what would a military mouse like you know?” He turned and glared, making me reminisce about the real Duran. The signature glare was still there. You just had to wait for it.

“We’re just leaving, Captain. Sorry to bother you!” Ben grasped my shoulder, hard, making me pay for what I’d said to both the Captain and Duran. He pulled me too, right to the front where Jonas and the kids were standing. While he pushed me, he whispered a threat in my ear. 

“If this picnic is ruined by you, you’re paying.” I didn’t react, even though I wanted to roll my eyes at him. It wouldn’t be _my_ fault if I said something to make everyone uncomfortable. It would be Duran’s fault because he provoked me. I just _tsk-_ ed as he let me go and started walking back to join Analee. 

“You don’t know how bad I want to ruin this picnic now, Jonas.” He sighed, but I could definitely tell it was to hide a laugh in front of Elias and June. When we got to the open gate, the Garrison soldiers saw my glare and just let us through without any protest. Usually, this large of a group would be questioned thoroughly, but since I was in it, they knew not to ask me anything. Duran seemed surprised by this and stopped to yell at them for not doing their job, holding us up again. I just stood there, halfway through the tunnel as he blabbed on and on able the Garrison's responsibility like he was their boss. An MP wasn't going to boss Garrison members around, but here he was in his arrogance, trying to do that.

“You don’t know how to do your jobs! If there’s a group this large the-” 

“Scouts are coming!” Someone yelled from above the wall, and when I looked out the entrance, I could see the horses nearing the walls. They were leaving late today, but how could I forget it was the first of the month. 

“Please, Miss. Flynn, we're going to ask you to move and stay here till the Scouts progress through. It won’t be that long there isn’t a lot of them.” I was touched by one of the Garrison soldiers, and I quickly shrugged their hand off of me, not wanting to move. I could see Erwin now in front of everyone, and subconsciously I was looking for the black hair. Jonas was the one to come over and drag me to the side of the tunnel so I wouldn’t get trampled on impact. 

“How could I forget?” I whispered, and I knew he had heard it. Technically, there were supposed to leave by the time I woke up today, making sure I never was tempted to look out my window when they left. Whenever they came back, I would sit in the back room too. I was making such an effort to never see him, but now I was forced to stand here as the Garrison blocked the two sides of the tunnel. Duran and the rest were held back and only Jonas, Elias, June, and I stood in the tunnel. I couldn't even hide. I was there in plain sight and I knew I would be face to face with him. I hardened my face quickly as they approached. He wasn’t going to get to see any emotion from me. Just like he did to me. He stood on his horse right next to Erwin and right in front of me. I didn’t even look at him like I said I was going to do. I stared right at Erwin who was stopped by the Garrison squad leader to do a head and supply count. 

“Commander Erwin!” Elias called out, making everyone who didn’t care about our presence now look right at us. I felt the eyes. I heard some of the whispers. Some of them didn’t die between then and now, and they remembered my face. It was telling too that I couldn’t stare at Levi, but I didn’t feel _his_ eyes on me. He didn’t care about me. I had to remind myself about that. He didn’t care. That’s why he left me. He used me. I just had to tell myself this over and over again to try and forget. I was doing so good recently too. I’d only think about him once a day now, but this instance was going to ruin it. If I even glanced and met his eye, it would all be gone. 

“Hello, Elias. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you. You’ve grown,” he looked over to me, noticing that the two of us were just glaring at him instead of looking at each other, “Eva. It has been too long.” I fought back the urge to scoff, but I knew I had to respond. I had to let him know I wasn’t hurt. 

“It has, hasn’t it Commander. If you come to the cafe with Squad Leader Hange, I’ll treat you.” I smiled. The best smile I had mustered in months. He needed to know I was done. I was past him. I didn’t need him. I didn’t think of him every night. I didn’t regret not sleeping in my bed once with him. He needed to know that I didn’t. 

“Of course I’ll take you up on that offer, Eva. Well, we’ll be off.” He nodded down to the Garrison soldier and they moved the blocks out of the way so the horses and carts could continue. When his horse started walking, I thought it safe to look at him. His eyes were filled with that one emotion. The one that was there when he had nightmares. When he confessed his feelings to me. When he told me about his life in the Underground. The emotion, still unnamed to him, I had labeled pain. He was in pain. I hoped my eyes didn’t display the emotion that I was feeling either. With one look up, and one sheer shot of pain through my heart, I looked back down on the ground. He knew. He knew exactly what I’d been through. What I was thinking. And it was sadistic of me to think that for one second that that look of pain was because he missed me. No, it must have pained him to see how hopeless I was. It must have further proved that I couldn’t live without him. Pain. I was feeling pain. I was feeling it this whole time. These whole six months. 

“You may carry on, Mr. Flynn.” 

“I didn’t know that you knew the Commander of the Scouts, Eva. Fitting.” I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. He was talking about Kristian. I handed the picnic basket of food to Jonas and took one look at Duran and smiled wickedly. 

“I’m sorry you’re jealous that I’m closer to high ups than you’ll ever be, Duran. Maybe if you got on your knees for them like you probably did to get on this special squad of yours, then you’d be in my position. Sorry brother, but I’m not hungry anymore. I’ll be cleaning the cafe.” Ben didn’t stop me, but I knew he was mad. I’d ruined his figurative perfect family picnic and now he was going to have to deal with a pissed-off Duran and talk about me the whole time. I did feel a bit guilty, but I just couldn’t stand being there. Not now. I took the long way home, making sure not to cross the main road, and walked up to my apartment from the back. I shut all my windows too. Loud. Hoping that maybe if he was situated outside my window in formation, he would hear it. 

I left those upstairs windows closed for what felt like forever. Jonas would always complain how stuffy it felt with no light besides oil lamps in the living room, but I always yelled at him if he went to touch them. I need to stop myself from being tempted. Every first of the month, I would hear it. I heard the horses and the carts match forward. I listened to Erwin’s speech each time. Every speech had a similar form and ended with the famous line shinzo wo sasageyo. There would be some lowered shouts and then they would all ride off to the other gate into the land of the titans. Give your hearts. How to give your heart when it’s in pieces? That’s what I thought every time and if the windows weren’t closed, I would have looked out to see Levi. Was he looking up at the windows like he used to? Giving me a firm nod before they left, only to do the same when I saw them come back. I wanted to know so bad, so that’s why I kept them shut. If I looked and he didn’t do it, it would ruin the illusion in my mind that somehow he still had feelings for me.

Eren, Armin, and Mikasa came back too. One last time before they were off to training camp. I was touched that they would remember my single act of kindness, and I treated them to their last sweet meal for three years. 

“If we can write letters, Miss. Eva, I’ll write one to you.” Armin told me in confidence, and I nodded, telling him that I would like that. Even if I’d known them for so little, it was hard to see them off to training camp. They were cadets now and Eren was still going on about killing all the titans. I guess it was a bit refreshing to see such passion in his eyes, but it still scared me a little. I told him to calm himself down before they stepped off back to their last night in the Garrison storeroom. They waved, even Mikasa, and I made them take a little food-to-go. Once they were done with training, they would be stationed in Trost as cadets before going to be Scouts. They would visit me then, they promised. I would be able to see them all grown up. I also told them that I would probably be able to see them when they graduate regardless, but it gave something for the others to look after. Armin and Mikasa seemed much less enthusiastic to go out in the field and kill titans.

“Their names are Eren, Mikasa, and Armin. At least, Eren said he wanted to join the Scouts.” I passed the cup of coffee over to Hange who seemed to be scribbling furiously in her notebook. I had to even light a candle since she had stayed so late, stuck by some inspiration. After their last exhibition, she’d gotten to study a titan’s gut up close and she said she needed an extra dose of coffee to be able to draw everything. 

“If they want to be in the Scouts that bad they will. Only the top 10 people get to be an MP and then the rest usually go to the Garrison. Scouts are a special breed. We usually only get twenty in good years.” I took a sip of my coffee, not caring about how long I’d stay up tonight. I’d probably be here talking to Hange either way. She seems to have made it her mission to not let me feel lonely. Every time she comes she has little tasks for me or something that she needs to consult people for. I never get sleep on the days that Hange comes, but I feel a bit warmer slipping into bed. 

“I have a brother who went to the MPs, that means he was in the top ten of his class?” I gave her a look of disbelief. There was no way Duran was actually good at what he did. Top ten my ass. He would be bragging about it if he was.

“The only way they would allow that if most of the top 10 pick Scout or Garrison. The MPs need to hit a certain quota every year, so that could be why. What do you think of this? Is it proportional to the titan's body?” She showed me her notebook and pointed to something that looked like a small intestine. I shrugged.

“Hange, I don’t know what titans look like.” She sighed, nodding. 

“You’re right, I forget that you aren’t a Scout. You know, you’re the only person who isn’t a Scout that I know.” I didn’t know if I should take that as a compliment or not. 

“Don’t you have a family, Hange?” She pulled back the notebook and erased the part she pointed out at me, redrawing it. 

“Well, yeah, but they don’t count. It’s just my parents and they don’t really care about titans either. I think they’re just _fascinating_.” I gave her a light smile before turning to look out the window at the setting sun. The snow was starting to melt now, but relatively early. I wondered what Eren and the others were doing. If it wasn’t dinner, then probably more training. Their first day was only a few days ago and Hange had told me again about the man who trains them. Hard as a rock and yells really loud. She didn’t have him personally, but he spent his last year in the Scouts when she had just joined.

“I wish I knew more about titans and the military. A lot of people I know are in the military, so it would make sense, you know?” She put her pencil down and crossed her hands. 

“If you want to know more about titans I can tell you about all my experiments. If you want to know more about the military, you can ask me. I’ve been there a while.” She pushed her glasses up again and I turned to look at her. Hange really was an almanac in front of me. 

“Do titans really look like they draw them in the newspaper? They look like big humans?” A finger went up as she started her lecture. 

“Titans have faces like humans sometimes, and other times their features are often... oversaturated. We have no idea why this variation happens occurs. Some look like big versions of you and me, and others look like they have giant eyes, a small forehead, and huge lips. Like three feet long lips. They’re naked too, but without human genitalia. It’s just bare down there. Most of the time, they just look like pink humans. Then there are abnormals.” 

“I’ve heard those words before,” I pointed out and she nodded quickly. I wasn’t going to tell her who I heard it from, but I’ve heard it. 

“Abnormals are those who don’t act like regular titans. They might have more intelligence or partially weird bodily traits. Some can jump, others can crawl. You probably heard it when people talked about Shinganshina. The two titans that broke through the walls were abnormal. One was taller than the walls and the other was really muscular and had armored plates on its body. And it was yellowy-orange, which is not a titan color. But you want to know why those titans are even more abnormal than abnormals?” Her eyes lit up in the candlelight, and it was almost scary how she was getting when talking about this. I wondered how the Scouts got so lucky to find someone like Hange to discover these things for them. 

“Why?” 

“They disappeared. Poof!” She yelled using her hands, “Into thin air! No matter which titan they are, the body is always there to cut into. Once we got there, both the Colossal and the Armored Titan were gone in thin air. There was no _way_ that would happen with any normal titan. I just want to know why! This is like one of the biggest titan secrets ever!” They disappeared into thin air?

“That doesn’t make sense.” 

“I know!” She seemed delighted with this information, “You can see why people left this out of the newspapers. The citizens would go crazy if they knew a titan that was like 80 meters tall just walked off!” She went off in her usual manic laughter after that, just overly joyed that a titan like this could have an ability like that and _she_ was one of the only people who could figure out the mystery. 

“Hange, are you supposed to tell me all of this?” She stopped laughing and blinked once or twice before breaking out into a smile again. 

“No.” This made me laugh too. That was Hange’s ability. I don’t laugh unless it’s about her. Really laugh. She says jokes or acts in a way that lightens the mood in the empty cafe. I thank her for that regularly.

“Hange, it’s getting late, you should probably head out. You have an expedition tomorrow… Unless you want to stay here. I have space upstairs.” This was the first time Hange had come over when an expedition was the next day. She apparently snuck out to come here and it would probably be hard to sneak back in. I knew by the way her eyes lit up too that she was going to agree. 

This is how I found that, besides the length of the pants, Hange and I were the same size. She sat on the couch, a blanket around her shoulders, staring down at the notebook with the same intensity as earlier. This would be the first time Hange had stayed over. Hange was also very comfortable with this idea. I offered her space in my bed and she took it right away. However, this began to be a mistake on my part because she couldn’t stop talking next to me. 

“This bed is really comfortable, what is it made out of?” 

“Feathers.” 

“If you had to choose between eating a whole onion or eating a cockroach, what would you pick?” 

“Can I choose neither, what kind of question is that?” 

“Okay, eaten or stepped on by a titan.” 

“... stepped on.”

“I agree!” At first, it was a welcomed distraction. When I was alone in my bed, these were the times I thought of him. Especially since I would wake up to the sounds of the horses at my front door. I wouldn’t cry anymore. It had been too long. Pretty soon, it would be over a year of loneliness and discontent. I hadn’t seen his face since the picnic disaster, and all I had of him were the letters. The letters that I now kept shoved under my mattress so that I could read them. Over and over. The letters that hid his lies. I fed into the lies too. When I read the letters, I didn’t feel alone. I would revert back to the times when I met him. The times when he wrote me these letters. When I was in love. Who am I kidding, I’m still in love. I never forgot. That’s why the letters are sitting under my mattress, right below my arm. It hurt. It always did. Loving someone who didn’t love you back. I never experienced it till now. This was how Jonas felt. 

“Eva?” Hange asked, seeing that I was staring up at the ceiling, getting lost in my thoughts. I’d have to remember that she was there. I couldn’t wake up screaming into the night like I had before. She wouldn’t ignore it like Jonas did. 

“Yes, Hange?” She shifted so that she was facing me. 

“He still asks about you.” My heart clenched and I closed my eyes. No. Not now. It was fuelling me. The thought all the way back in my mind. He was lying. He did love me. 

“Does he?” It was hard to spit out and it sounded like a whisper when it didn’t mean to be. 

“I’m not allowed to tell you everything, but he does. He misses you.” 

“Why are you telling me this, Hange?” I could feel her smile next to me, and I turned my head to see it. It was a smile that was hiding secrets from me. 

“Because I want to make you two happy again. You two aren’t happy like you were before.” I sighed, turning away from her as I felt tears well in my eyes. There goes my three-month-long record of no crying. 

“He doesn’t love me, Hange. You of all people know that.” She _tsk_ -ed, just like him. 

“You’ll know soon. Both of you will. I know it.” I sniffled once, and she already had her hand on my back. Great. She heard me. Was she going to tell Levi about this? 

“It’ll be okay, Eva. Trust me.” 

The next morning, she woke me up. She was already dressed and hopping around the apartment and I just took my first few steps out. The front windows were open too, for the first time in months. The light was radiating down onto the kitchen counter and living room table she was currently sitting at, gathering her things.

“Good morning, sunshine! Isn’t it such a nice day to go see some titans?” I huffed once, rubbing my eyes to get them more awake. This was the earliest I’d been up at in a while. Only Hange would say something like that this early in the morning. 

“Don’t you need your gear?” I walked to the kitchen, looking out at her in the living room. 

“Moblit will bring it. He knows I’m here. He’s a member of my squad.” I nodded, turning on a kettle to make hot water for coffee. I’d offer it to her as retribution for comforting me last night. Maybe I’d ask her to not tell him what happened either. I didn’t want him to know I was still weak after all this time. She just looked down at her notebook, writing more and more things in it, a book to her left. I never knew how she could read so much. 

“Coffee?” I offered to after I poured some, but she shook her head, saying it would make her even more jittery during the expedition. I could already see that when the time entered for the horses to be filling up in Trost’s main drag that she was shaking, not with fear, but excitement. What a weird girl, I thought, shaking my head at her. We talked a bit here and there about the expedition's plans, but at this point, we were both waiting for the Scouts to come and pick her up. I was planning too. Planning whether I would close up those windows as she exited.

When they finally came, she did something unexpected. She grabbed my wrist, letting me put on some proper shoes, and then pulled me down my front stairs to hundreds of eyes preparing for take-off. It was a bit embarrassing that I was just in a single nightgown in front of all of them, and Hange seemed to forget I was only wearing sandals as she pulled me.

“Moblit!” She yelled and pulled me into the middle of the Scouts. Now, I was feeling really watched. Those who survived had now seen my face for the third time. When Hange yelled, a long-faced blonde turned around, ODM gear in his hand. He looked shaken too like he was about to get yelled at. 

“Moblit, this is my friend, Eva! I was having a sleepover at her house last night. My gear, thank you!” The blonde man, Moblit, dropped her gear and bowed to me. I bowed a little bit back, putting my hands on my arms. The morning was still not yet a summer one, so wearing nothing over my slip was making me start to freeze. Everyone here had on a coat and the signature green cape while I was bare. 

“Hello, Moblit,” I managed out and he turned to Hange to talk about something. I just stood there, not knowing if I was able to just leave, or if Hange had wanted to talk more. With every passing moment, I was getting more and more anxious about seeing one face in the field. That’s why I was staring right at Hange, eyes not moving anywhere no matter how tempted I was. 

“Oh my goodness!” Hange announced loudly, making others turn to look again, “You’re freezing! How could I drag you out here like this!?” She turned around to look through the bags on the cart behind her. She was probably looking for something to give me so I wasn’t freezing and shivering. This probably meant that she was going to make me stand and talk to her before Erwin dismissed the families. That’s what usually happened. Some wives, husbands, and families who relocated to Trost would come in the morning to say goodbye for, possibly, the last time, and Erwin would politely dismiss them before giving his big shinzo wo speech. 

“Moblit, do we have any extra capes, I can’t find on-” The green dropped over my shoulders rather sloppily, but I could feel the warmth left behind by the previous wearer. I didn’t want to turn behind me to see who it was though. I knew who it was. So did Moblit. So did Hange. So did the others who were still looking at me. They knew who had given me the cape, and they were surprised at the generosity. I was scared. Scared of the generosity. What did it mean? How did it align with what Hange said last night? 

Mint, lemon, and cedar. 

“Please, don’t expose yourself in front of my cadets.” The horse trotted off to the front, but his foot lightly brushed my back. Just that one touch. That one single second. It sent a chill down my spine. It had been so long since I’d touched him. The last time was our last goodbye. Just like the families here in Trost. I’d held him on my doorstep, right before the expedition, not knowing that it would be our last goodbye.

Hange stood up, giving me the same smile she did last time. It said those two words. Trust me. What was Hange doing? Had she changed his demeanor? Why could I still feel that chill down my spine? Why was I holding his cape so close to me when I should’ve been throwing it on the ground? 

I took the cape off my shoulders, taking one look at it before giving it back to Hange. I wouldn’t let him do this. I wouldn’t let him care about me. The chill, however, was unbearable after I handed it back. It wasn’t just the chill of the morning wind anymore. It was the chill of his eyes still on me as I handed it back to Hange. 

“I-I need to get the… the cafe, yeah, I need to get it ready.” She nodded, the smile still on her face, and I turned around to go back up to my apartment. 

“That’s cute! Haha, look at this, Moblit. Levi marks his cape with a little L so he knows it’s his!” I stopped walking. I was at the edge of the Scouts, all of them behind me, yet if I looked to my side I would get a view of him. He was always on the right of Erwin. So, that’s what I did. After Hange said that, I looked at him out of the corner of my eye and locked eyes. There it was again. Pain. His eyes were full of pain. Vivid pain that made me feel it too. My heart twisted inside, and I was so close to getting caught if I didn’t stalk up the stairs to my apartment and close the door. I crouched down, my back against the door, the tears coming again. Pain. That’s all I felt. Pain. Why had he done that? Why was I suffering this whole time? Why had he put an L on his cape? What was it supposed to show me? Why were we suffering? Why couldn’t he just tell me plainly? Why couldn’t I understand what he was doing? Why? Why? Why? 

I cried through Erwin’s speech, his words a lot louder this time. They were echoing in my head. About sacrifice. About saving the world. Everything that would make an apprehensive cadet ready to go outside the walls and die. And then he ended it. That one phrase. 

“Cadets! Scouts! The people of Trost! Shinzo wo sasageyo!” The cries lifted in the air. They made my head hurt. I wondered if Levi heard my cries from inside my apartment. I held my head in my hands. 

“I can’t. I can’t dedicate my heart. Not again. Not again.”

Jonas found me like that when I didn’t show up for his morning delivery. The cafe remained closed that day. And the next. I closed the windows back up too. Jonas didn’t question what happened either. He just stacked up the delivery boxes in the stock room and then left, promising he’d come back later when he was off. When he came back, I was still in the same spot he put me on the couch. He echoed his words from the first time. 

“What did he do?” and I just shook my head. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for commenting and really getting into this story. I love all your comments and analysis of my writing! This is a short chapter, but I just felt like this needed to be out there before the next plans that I have. Stay tuned :)


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